Friday, September 11, 2015

Week 1 Picks: Takin' the Slow Ramp...

Wubba lubba dub dubbbb!!!

I'm back, my damies! And so is football!! And so is the long awaiTed second season of Rick & Morty!!! All great things. And while I may have taken the summer to tend to my golf game and make a list of my 100 favorite films. I've returned just in time to provide you with just enough of my finely honed brand of "snark and shark" to get you ready for another exciting season of the brain crippling entertainment we so lovingly refer to as "football"...

This week, I'll be easing back into things by taking "the slow ramp". You know, as an homage to Rick and Morty, up there. That'll serve as the bulk of what this week will have to serve as"snark". The "shark", will be played by my career winning percentages (58% NFL, 59% NCAA). Which have almost reached the point in terms of sample size that they'll be nearly impossible to ignore! At least that's what all of those well balanced individuals on the Interweb message boards keep tellin' me. The man with the bouncing cleavage GIF as an avatar was particularly reassuring...

But alas. Until that day comes, and I'm properly immortalized as the legendary degenerate that I've long aspired to be, then I'll be here slaving away for ya. And as a part of said slaving, I'll usually post at least one picture per week of a scantily clad hottie. So, should all else fail, there will always be that. Which is nice. Reliability is nice...

Now, in the spirit of of reliability. It's time for me to do my job. And, yes. That timely pun was intended. Because if there's one thing I know, it's timely puns...and picking football games...and cartoons for adults...

So hop on the slow ramp to football, my friends. And enjoy...

Week 1 Picks

Buffalo Bills (+2.5) vs Indianapolis Colts

Miami Dolphins (-3.5) @ Washington Tedskins

We'll start week 1 on "Narrative street". Which isn't where Rick & Morty live, but is the line of thinking you choose to take when you assume that obvious storylines will dictate results. As in, "You just know people are gonna be pumpin' up the Bills and Jets after so-so wins, just so they can say they're primed to knock off the Patriots." See that? That's Narrative St. If you pass the Meth den you've gone too far. OR not far enough. Yeah, there are a lot of Meth dens on Narrative St. Hookers, too...

Another narrative will be how the Tedskins are the (western) world's biggest flaming dumpster. Which is funny, because one of the hookers on Narrative St. actually fronts a homeless gang of Meth heads in a Flaming Lips tribute band and they actually call themselves The Flaming Dumpsters. Small world...

St. Louis Rams (+4) vs Seattle Seahawks

No real narrative here, but the Rams have shadily had the Seahawks number lately. Combine that with them being at home, and Seattle being without one of their top defenders (Kam Chancellor). And I like the Rams chances even more. Either way, it gives me an excuse to post a picture of the greatest defensive play in Super Bowl history. Because I totally needed an excuse...

Denver Broncos (-4.5) vs Baltimore Ravens

...and if I'm gonna show the Butler pick, I have to show the Edel-pass...

And If I am going to mention the Patriots, I guess I should comment on their opening night win. So I will. And here's my comment:

Cris Collinsworth's resistance in comparing Dion Lewis to Kevin Faulk and his insistence on instead comparing Lewis to Danny Woodhead, was hilarious. I mean, it's not like Lewis and Faulk share the same body type...and basic skill set...and jersey number...AND SKIN COLOR!..

It's OK to point out obvious things, Cris. We won't call you racist. You're like the Gus Johnson of football, for crying out loud! We love ya!...

Oakland Raiders (+3.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) vs Carolina Panthers

Now, in an attempt to slant back to Rick & Morty and give my pseudo-theme some cred, I give you ROY! ROY is a simulation game in an alternate universe, in which you actually take over the mind and body of this supposedly average schlub, "ROY" and control his every thought and action in some sort of suspended animation chamber. You live his life, you make his critical life decisions, you FEEL HIS PAIN! This ties in (allegedly), because the Raiders and Jaguars (and Browns, for that matter. But I'm not picking them) are basically football ROYs. You know, if football ROY were operated solely by Florida Man and the prizes were paid out in bath salts and Camel Cash...

He's taking ROY off the grid!!!....yep, and ROY just bit a dude's face off...

Dallas Cowboys (-6) vs New York Giants

Jerry Jones is what happens when you drink and ROY. So let this serve as a lesson to you all. Please, do NOT drink and ROY. But feel free to let your friends and/or unsuspecting strangers do so. And take plenty of pictures...

Olivia Munn is obviously an expert ROY-er. OR maybe it's Rogers who's crushing it? (this is where you say, "OH he's crushing it, alright!") Either way, here's my even more limiTed take on the rest of the Sunday slate...

Green Bay Packers (-6.5) @ Chicago Bears

New York Jets (-3) vs Cleveland Browns

Houston Texans (-1) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) vs New Orleans Saints

Detroit Lions (+3) @ San Diego Chargers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3) vs Tennessee Titans

Monday Night

Minnesota Vikings (-2.5) @ San Francisco 49ers

Atlanta Falcons (+3) vs Philadelphia Eagles

I kind of have to be all-in on a guy named Ted whose last name is a city in Massachusetts (inside jokes abound). But heavy is the Ted who wears the crown. Heavy. Is the Ted. Who wears. The crown...

'14-'15 Season: 156-156-4 (.500)

ALL TIME: 1270-899-71 (.583)

OK, so here's the deal with my college picks. I don't necessarily pick ALL of the top 25 games. But I WILL always post a picture of a scantily clad AND collegiately themed photo referencing one of the teams in action. And I'll pick winners at nearly a 60% clip. So there's that, too...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(5) Michigan St. (-3.5) vs (7) Oregon

(9) Notre Dame (-11) @ Virginia

(25) Mississippi St. (+4.5) vs (14) LSU

(23) Tennessee (+2) vs (19) Oklahoma

BYU (+2.5) vs (20) Boise St.

(21) Missouri (-10.5) @ Arkansas St.

Nevada (+11.5) vs (22) Arizona

'14-'15 Season: 77-61-3 (.557)

ALL TIME: 684-461-29 (.595)

And thaaaaaaaat's the way the news goes!

You like that? It's the new catchphrase I'm gonna use to end my posts. It narrowly won out over "AIDS!"....

And if you don't get those references, then YOU my friend, need to watch yourself some Rick and Morty. Right after you're done watching football. OR before and/or during. Because, you know. DVRs...

Have a nice weekend, Teds. And I'll catch you next time...

Be good...



WilmyDad said...

Sooo if I hear what your saying. And I'm starting to pick up on the subtle clues. You are telling me to start watching Rick n Morty? Like the picks. Wish I had seen em before Sunday. Is there something wrong with me if I have a crazy soft spot for Rex Ryan. I could not have been pulling harder for those loveable convicts up there in Buffalo. And in True form Rex is already talking ish about the matchup with the Pats. I hope the Pats stomp them out. But maybe a situation when The Hoodie decides to hang it up and Mcdaniels takes over we could bring over an old crotchety Rex to be the D coordinator.

Brett Ferruccio said...

I don't think I like feet nearly as much as Rex does. I do like The Money Pit...and Rick & Morty.

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