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Friday, October 31, 2014

Week 9 Picks: Technology 'N Stuff...



Yeah, so sometimes we get into the habit of overcomplicating things. Like fatty, up there. Who, instead of utilizing the professional broadcaster that both his company and the sport they're partnered with had hired to do the actual broadcasting, decided that he'd try it himself despite being out of breath and on the verge of diabeetus. And as you can see, the results weren't good. Rikk Wilde (the Matt Foley impersonator in question, up there), bumbled all over himself, barely avoided heart failure, and used the term "technology and stuff" in order to describe his company's featured product...

Yeah, so the lesson here is leave it to the professionals...and to resist the urge to deep fry everything you eat in chocolate sauce and whiskey. OR, more importantly, the lesson is to keep things simple, and they should probably go according to plan. Something that I'm going to try with this week's picks in order to get myself back on track. Between trends, streaks, fancy analystics, and past successes and failures, I've been seeing too many trees and not enough forrest. OR maybe you'd prefer "too many chiefs, and not enough Tedskins"?...

Either way, it means I'm scaling back. I'll stop trying to outsmart myself, and stick with what are my first and most vivid instincts when it comes to picking a side. Will it work? Meh, probably not. And I don't like my chances of resisting the urge to give myself paralysis by analysis. But I'm gonna give it a go, anyway. Because when you overthink, you end up like our plump friend up there (who I'm presuming lives in a van down by the river). And I think we can all agree that's probably a good fate to avoid...

Oh, and props to the Giants, who aren't a dynasty. But only because we all regularly misuse that word. They're on a damn good run over the past 5 years, though. Maybe even an "era", more so than a run. And their manager sounds just like Lou Brown from Major League. So above all else they've got that goin' for them. Which is way better than being labeled a word that now merely serves as an easy talking point for the Teds at Cold Take...

OK, now onto the picks. Where I promise I didn't use any  fancy technology or stuff in order to come up with my selections. Well except for the computer...and the Interweb. Yeah, whatever. That dude's fat and he probably cough/chokes himself awake at night on a regular basis because of the fat man apnea he almost definitely has. AND I REFUSE TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!! Not literally, of course. I'd have to swallow a deep fried pony in order to get that fat. But, yeah. You get what I'm throwin' down. So now let's get to it...

Enjoy...

Friday, October 24, 2014

Week 8 Picks: Mediocre SCOTT!!!



So, apparently the Hoverboard is now a real thing. OR at least it's almost a real thing. Which is to say, it's not a thing at all. At least not in the incarnation in which we've all come to expect, thanks to Back To The Future. SO, in reality, it's just something that Richard Branson can use on his custom made basement half pipe to impress his uber-rich cronies right before he takes them into space. I'm more eager to get my hands on a personal rocket pack, anyway. Just seems like the more practical and efficient way to get around. Especially if you plan on using it any point to escape from would be bandits by traveling over a body of water...

And that's the same type of feeling I have about my picks this season. Sure, they look great. But are they really delivering on all the promise and excellence that many have come to expect? No, they are not. Much like the hoverboard up there, they are a shell of what should be. But that changes now. Unless it doesn't in which case this intro will prove about as useful as a screen door on a battleship...

Enjoy...

Friday, October 17, 2014

Week 7 Picks: Roy-als With Cheese...


So, yeah. Apparently we live in a world where the Kansas City Royals never lose. Which definitely feels weird, but a good kind of weird. Like how you might feel when your favorite sports radio show randomly has on one of your favorite actors, simply because they'd been talking about one of his movies the day before. Something that actually happened this week on the nation's top rated sports radio show, The Dan Patrick Show...

They had been talking about Pulp Fiction on Tuesday, celebrating it's 20th anniversary. And as is often the case with great radio, Dan and his Danettes wandered down a tangential rabbit hole that led them to discussing great "bit parts" and the actors that play them. Which then led them to calling legendary character actor (and Syracuse's own) Frank Whaley, who you may or may not remember from such roles as fake Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK, young Archie Graham in Field of Dreams, Jimmy Hoffa's killer in Hoffa, and of course Brad/Brett up there from that legendary scene pictured above in Pulp Fiction (I hear he has a big brain, whatever his name actually is). And not only did Whaley answer the call and agree to come on a sports radio show for no real discernable reason. But he came on and absolutely CRUSHED it. Telling jokes, reflecting on Pulp's 20 years, and giving insights towards the great actors and directors he's worked with, including Marlon Brando, Quentin Tarantino, and Oliver Stone...
#BangBiscuit

It was just great radio, and really highlighted both the best sports radio has to offer, and why I've been such fan of great sports radio for all of my adult life. Because sports radio should just be talking about life, with a focus on sports. I'm not saying hosts need to espouse on EVERY social issue of the moment. But sports for sports' sake just gets annoying, and it really contributes to the bandwagon hopping and forgetting of the past. You gotta just start with sports, and see where it takes you. And allow it to take you down unique and interesting paths, as it did here...

Unfortunately, the DP Show is now the exception to the talk radio "rule" of yelling, bandwagon jumping, and playing stale YouTube clips for cheap laughs, instead of the high standard for which others should hope to achieve. But that's just all the more reason for me to celebrate them and their excellence. Which is what I just chose to do, rather than launch into planned rant in which I was going to compare hazing to the "reply all" function. So, yeah. You can thank Frank & The DP Show for that, too. Because that was gonna get ugly. And by "ugly", I mean you Teds need to STOP SEXUALLY VIOLATING YOUR FRIENDS AND STOP REPLYING ALL WHEN YOUR RESPONSE DOESN'T CONCERN EVERYONE YOU'RE RESPONDING TO!!!

OK, there. Killed all those birds with that one final boulder. Props to Frank and the good folks at The Dan Patrick Show, though. It's their hard work that keeps me entertained, and helps to keep lit the ever fluttering flame that is my faith in humanity...

Now, onto the picks. And you'll need a little faith here, yourselves. As last night's whiff with the Pats left me at exactly .500 for the 2014 season. But that's OK. Because you're not here because of my stellar record, you're here for the insight and the wit! And for the cool headlines I justify by mentioning the Royals in the first sentence, yet never again. And pictures! You're here for the pictures! Which I made bigger, this week. Though I'm not entirely sure why...

So yeah. Let's get to doin' all that stuff, so you can be on your merry way. OR, to paraphrase Peter Griffin, 'Without further dudes, let's read this thing'...

Enjoy...

Friday, October 10, 2014

Week 6 Picks: UNDERwhelming


Well, I've got nothing to rant on this week. Not even to semi rant on. The baseball playoffs have been great, but they're about to be rained out for the weekend. So nothing there. And I'm all talked out when it comes to the NFL's stance (or lack there of) on domestic violence. Not to mention the fact that the NBA and the NHL are back on the menu. Which is great if you're a mouth breathing Ted, but does very little for me...

So, yeah. No hot takes on the current goings on. I've still got picks, though. And I'm actually starting to round into form. So we've got that goin' for us, which is great. And it's an "underdogs and underboobs" type of week, too. Which is especially great. Unless I've already oversold the theme (I have), in which case you'll probably just leave disappoinTed. Slightly more wealthy, perhaps. But definitely disappoinTed...

Meh, whatever. Let's get our collective pick on. By which I mean INHALE MY WISDOM WITH YOUR EYES THROUGH THE INTERWEB!...

And enjoy...

Friday, October 03, 2014

Week 5 Picks: THIS IS THE END...unless it's not...


Yeah, so I'm not sure if you've heard. But Foxboro is burning. Or is it Foxborough? Hell, even I don't know and it's only about 15 miles down the road. But no matter how you choose to spell that rat bastard, it's safe to say that the football team that calls that hamlet home is going through a big of a quagmire (giggity!). And it's even safer to say that their poor play to start the season has the panties of their usually arrogant and self entitled fanbase in a collective wedgie that would require the jaws of life in order to provide any relief. An aTomic wedgie, if you will. And you will, because you just did...

But is this the beginning of the end for Tom Terrific and the Patriots' "dynasty", as many pundits, critics, and fans seem to be saying? Meh, damned if I know. I mean, their offense certainly looks the most stagnant that I can ever remember seeing it. But this is also the same organization that's been declared "past it's prime" over the past decade about as many times as it's appeared in the AFC title game. So, yeah. I'm not really sure. I know my eyes are telling me they aren't what we thought they'd be. But I also know that my mind is telling me that I've been wrong before, with seemingly just as much "evidence" as I'm working with today...

So, yeah. I wish I had an answer as to why the Patriots were playing like shit, and I wish I knew whether or not they were gonna turn it around. Could make a nice chunk of change, either way. But alas, I have no such answers. And I'm just along for this wild ride like the rest of you Teds. That's not blind faith in the "Patriot Way", mind you. It's just that in my personal experience, I never have a good handle on this team on a week to week basis. Especially when in comes to the first 4 or 5 games. History tells me they'll turn it around, but my eyes tell me otherwise. So, again. Here we are...

But, hey. Just because my home team happens to be playing like annus of late, doesn't mean we all have to suffer. Although if you insist on betting on individual games, that wild ride has probably long since caused you to lose your lunch. To which I say, it's time to BOOT AND RALLY! Which is my mid-nineties way of saying, it's time to get onto the picks...

Enjoy, my damies...