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Friday, October 25, 2013

Week 8 Picks: Things I PredicTed...


Things I predicTed last night:

1) The Cardinals would win a Game 2 in which the Red Sox would score fewer than 3 runs

2) Mike Tolbert would score a touchdown, while Steve Smith would underwhelm in the Panthers/Bucs game

AND

3) The Carolina Panthers would cover the spread in a convincing fashion

The result? Wacha shut down the Sox, Tolbert was inexplicably and unexpecTedly named the Panther starting running back (was never discussed prior to the game) en route to his best game of the season AND the Panthers routed the Bucs in what will likely be Greg Schiano's final game as coach...

Now naturally, I only predicTed those things because they would almost exclusively screw me (minus the Panthers covering the spread) in my various ventures. But if there's one thing I've found I can successfully predict, it's when irregular things will happen to me in the face of nearly insurmountable odds. For instance, that whole Smith/Tolbert situation? I don't just own Steve Smith and I wasn't just playing against Mike Tolbert. I own Steve Smith on one team (only playing him due to injuries to both Wayne & Julio), and was playing against BOTH Smith and Tolbert on another. Meaning the only REAL way I could have a bad fantasy night would be if Smith under performed AND Tolbert had his best game of the season. Now you see? Yeah now you see...

So, what does this mean in terms of my picks? Not a whole lot, unfortunately. Because while I'm keenly aware of the power I possess, I've still yet to find a way to wield it to by benefit. Probably wouldn't hurt your thinking when reading my picks if you kept that in mind, though. Oh, and did I mention how Yahoo featured Mike Tolbert on their front page prior to his breakout game while last week they featured my guy, Jermichael Finley, who would only go on to suffer a likely career ending spinal injury? Yeah, no. I know nothing of what I speak...

So on that note, let's get to the picks...        

Week 8 Picks

New England Patriots (-7) vs Miami Dolphins + OVER 43.5

I've more or less given up on ever correctly predicting a Patriots game, which is why I've now moved on to adding OVER/UNDERs to the equation. I mean, why the Hell not? Misery loves company, right? Besides, Gronk is due for at least a couple touchdowns, isn't he? I'm fully expecting him to take a bite out of the ball when he finally reaches the end zone, too. And no, that's no hyperbole. Dude's gonna eat the bean. BOOK IT...


Detroit Lions (-3) vs Dallas Cowboys

If ever a stat hasn't sounded right, it's the one that has the Lions only having turned the ball over ONCE in the past 3 games. Yep, the same franchise that most of us still picture having a QB run out the back of the end zone is now apparently the model of offensive efficiency. GranTed, they're 1-2 in that stretch, but....OK I'll cut the shit. That stat is true, but I'm only rolling with this pick due to a tip from an incredibly savvy source of mine. I call him "Uncle Interweb", and while I've consulTed him before, this is the first time I've ever decided to blindly take one of his selections. I have no idea why he thinks a Lion team that just lost to Cincy at home is going to beat the Cowboys. But he's a sav, and that's gonna have to do for now...


New York Giants (+6) @ Philadelphia Eagles + UNDER 54

Here's where predicting your own fantasy demise can come in handy, and this one just seems way too easy. I mean, is there a Michael Vick owner out there who isn't expecting the oft injured wunderkind to limp off the field somewhere before the first half? Oh, right. Of course there are. And right now they're awkwardly high fiving each other in celebration of Tolbert's great performance last night. OMG YAHOO NAILED IT GUY!


Washington Tedskins (+13) @ Denver Broncos

Speaking of Yahoo doing it's best to nail me in the ane. They now have Roy Helu up on their front page as a savvy start in a week short on RBs. Just like they had Tolbert, last night. Needless to say, I'm starting Helu. So, yeah. I'll let you do the math on that one. AKA RIP Roy Helu. Hope you have your affairs in order...


Oakland Raiders (+3) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Uncle Interweb was a big fan of the Steelers over the Jets, last week. As was I. And that consensus worked out beautifully. And while he didn't say anything about the Raiders coming off their bye and laying the wood to Shattstown, I view this as a very similar spot. McFadden is back, and since he will probably only be healthy for a game or two, look for the Silver & Black to get while the gettin's good. Besides, the Steelers are beat. There's not a team north of Jacksonville that I'm spotting them points to on the road...


Here's the rest of the mess, including another game in London. Although I'm cool with this one, because it's like we're punishing the British by making them watch the Jaguars. That'll teach them to try and tax our tea. Elitist wig wearing bastards...

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) vs Atlanta Falcons + OVER 44.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-8) vs Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills (+12) @ New Orleans Saints

Jacksonville Jaguars (+16.5) vs San Francisco 49ers  (London)

Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5) vs New York Jets

Green Bay Packers (-9) @ Minnesota Vikings


Monday Night

Seattle Seahawks (-11) @ St. Louis Rams

You know your team is in a bad way when you have to call Brett Favre on the down low and see if he has enough time between cell phone photo shoots to run your offense. The St. Louis Rams are that team, and they are indeed in that bad way without the services of QB Sam Bradford. Would have loved to have seen Favre rush back in one week only to have been devoured by the Seahawks defense, though. Much more than I'm enjoying that oft putting picture of his face on Uma Thurman's body. It gets extra creepy when you realize that you just glanced down it's shirt, too. Freakin' Favre...

In all seriousness, though. What isn't be covered in all this Favre nonsense, is that the famed QB complained of memory loss in the same interview in which he discussed the rumors. Guess ESPN figured that's just not as entertaining an angle...


Last Week: 8-8-0

Overall: 53-52-5 (.505)


I'm not sure what Missouri's deal is, but they have NOTHING going on in terms of sexy coeds when it comes to Google Images. So much so that the guy pictured above was literally the best looking fan I could find! The rest of the results were a bunch of strippers from ASU and this GIF of Katherine Webb deep throating some sort of Big Mac. Step your game up, Mizzou. If you're gonna have a top 5 team, you're gonna need at least a few shots of topless chicks wearing Tiger shorts. OR at least a chick wearing a ripped jersey while suggestively bringing her finger to her mouth. Come on, now! Give me somethin' to work with!

NCAA Top 25 Picks 
(1) Alabama (-28) vs Tennessee

(2) Oregon (-22.5) vs (12) ULCA

Penn St. (+14.5) @ (4) Ohio St.

(5) Missouri (-3) vs (20) South Carolina

(8) Stanford (-4) @ Oregon St.

Maryland (+14) vs (9) Clemson

(17) Oklahoma (-7) vs (10) Texas Tech

(14) Texas A&M (-17) vs Vanderbilt

Iowa St. (+13) vs (19) Oklahoma St.

Minnesota (+10) vs (25) Nebraska


Last Week: 7-4-0

Overall: 32-31-3 (.508)


That's it for me, friends. Enjoy the World Series, and I'll catch you next week...


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, October 18, 2013

Week 7 Picks: Here's The Beef...


MOST WICKED EXCITING ALCS EVAHHHHH! It has been great, though. Great pitching, timely hitting. And I'd be saying that whether or not the Sox were taking a 3-2 lead back home, as that's just the type of purist Ted that I am. But thankfully, that's not the case. What is the case, is that I'll likely be missing game 6 and if necessary, a game 7, due to a wedding of a big New York Yankees fan! Freaking sons of bitches. Even when they beat that team they end up coming back to screw me. Whatever. If I know me, and I do, this will all probably be for the best. And by "for the best", I obviously mean that I'll end up with a great story about my own personal misery that's virtually guaranteed to entertain...

Freakin' Yankees. Oh, and I'll be missing the majority of these games I'm about to pick, too. So there's that. Let this serve as a reminder to you all that early October is not the most ideal time to throw a wedding. At last not if you don't want to end up feeling the wrath of a cellar dweller with too much free time on his hands. OR pretty much anyone from the south...or the likes baseball. Yeah, just don't do it. Get married in the Summer. Sure, it's hot as shit, and you'll likely end up sweating through your suit. But, whatever. Small price to pay. You know, for avoiding the wrath, and whatnot...

Bastards. Always ruinin' my well crafTed lifestyle. Well, whatever. Let's pick some games. Enjoy, Teds...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Week 6 Picks: CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, BANANA!


So the good news is that the Tigers beat the A's to advance to play the Red Sox in the ALDS. That's also the bad news. Bad, because they're arguably the most complete team in baseball with the most dominant front line pitching. But good news because it means the Red Sox magical season can't possibly end at the hands of Cocaine Crisp and the Oakland A's. Sorry, A's fans. No (inevitable and undeserving) disrespect intended, but I'd much rather my team be the perceived underdog. Last thing I want is for this season to end on what could be termed as a choke job. Not saying it still couldn't happen within an actual game, or whatever. Bill Buckner and such. But I'm just more comfortable with the feeling that should this run happen to end in the ALCS, that it won't be ended by a group of no name rookies and Red Sox retreads. Oh, right. And they've got a Cuban guy in there somewhere. AH YES! CUBAN B!!!...

Call it loser talk, if you'd like. But it's just a mindset. And it makes me feel better thinking this way, even if I know I don't really believe it. So leave me be. Cuban B, if you will. And if you won't, well then I don't think I've got anything for ya. Unless you merely came looking for this week's NFL and NCAA picks. In which case I've got you covered. Pun intended. At least in hindsight...

Now let's go!

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

ALL ABEARD! We're Goin' To The 'Ship...


In a game that embodied their season's success to date, the Red Sox used strong starting pitching, a dominant bullpen and clutch hitting to further their worst to first campaign and reach their first American League Championship Series appearance since 2008. A fitting end, to say the least, that saw Breslow and Uehara nail down what Peavy started, with the offense providing of a few timely hits and a lot of savvy on the base paths. Rather encapsulating, don't you think? I know I do. If for no other reason than I get to use the word "encapsulating"..

SO, now it's on to the ALCS. A's? Tigers? It shouldn't matter. Either way, it figures to be hard fought and intensely entertaining. Even without the presence of Mr. Entertainment himself, Joe "the Madd Scientist" Maddon. That guy really is the best. Emu lookin' bastard. I'm gonna miss him. But, the show must go on. With or without his creepy pets, sketchy tactics and his hipster chic thick rimmed frames...

It really is great to have the Sox back on the main stage, though. And it seems even more satisfying knowing how they got there. Not saying they over achieved. I think it's apparent now that the talent was always there with this team. But the "us against the world" mentality, whether contrived or not, has really made this an endearing team to watch, and the most enjoyable team to root for since the idiots of 2004. Now, here's to hoping that they can make good on ending their season in a similarly appropriate fashion. Even if their bearded success will make that much easier for the GUY KID Bruins fans to latch on to the ever growing bandwagon...

ALL ABEARD!!!...(making sure to get as many of those in as I can before it becomes the rally cry for all the PinkHats at the next duck boat parade...)


As for last week's football picks, they were predictably mediocre. It's OK, though. Workin' on a new strategy for next week that will provide guaranteed winners. OR not. In the meantime, here's a picture of Scarlett Johansson in honor of her again being named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. Quite the achievement. And she's more than just blonde locks and a big rack, too. As proven yet again in her turn as Janet Leigh in Hitchcock, which recently made it's debut on HBO (how else would I have seen it?). So, you should check that movie out. OR, at the very least, you should have yourself a Google Image search of "Scarlett Johansson GIF" to make sure you get an adequate and respectfully appropriate Scarlett fix in honor of her...well, honor. I know that's what I'm gonna do. After I give her ass wagging entrance in Hitchcock another look, of course. Which is a film worth watching, by the way. Ass wagging aside, it's an interesting take on a well known man with a great cast. Definitely worth the 90 minutes if you find yourself with time between deciding whether or not to add Nick Foles to your plethora of fantasy football teams...

Catch ya Friday...

NFL Picks

Last Week: 7-7-0

Overall: 34-39-4 (.468)

NCAA Picks

Last Week: 5-8-0

Overall: 21-22-2 (.489)


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, October 04, 2013

Week 5 Picks: Dumpster Fires, Dude...


Here I was. All set to go on a rant on how too many people (mostly Teds, nerds and Grantland fanboys) were analyzing TV shows as if they were real things (like a sports team or player). And then Drew freaking Magary beat me to it with his weekly "Dick Joke Jambaroo". I was even going to try and tie in Bryan Cranston's beard and the fact that he's on the phone with the Red Sox and their quest for the World Series. But, whatever. When you're beaten to the punch by a segment called the "Dick Joke Jambaroo", it's probably a sign that you should just cut your losses and move on. And I say that with the utmost respect...

So this is me, moving on. Enjoy...