Pages

Sunday, November 29, 2009

NFL Week 12 Picks: Tiger!...Look Out!!!


So in lieu of rushing out my NFL picks for yesterday, I decided to hold them until today and just forgo posting my NCAA picks altogether. The result? I went 12-4-1 in NCAA action yesterday afternoon, and have thus now more than likely put the double reverse hex on this week's NFL picks. But fear not, my Nation lovin' friends. Much like Elin Woods when it comes to preventing her husband from leaving the house, I have a truly elegant solution...

In order to combat the reverse karma hex that I've no doubt placed on myself, I've decided to not make any of this week's selections "Top Picks". I figure then, if logic holds to form, I should have an immaculate record. Hey, I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure this is the way it works. Then again, whenever I seem to have stumbled upon a formula for picking these things consistently, I usually end up having one of my worst weeks of the season. Oh the tangled web we weave when we practice the art of deceit, right? Or something like that...

So here you are, kids. No bells, no whistles, no 5-irons through your Cadillac SUV's back windshield. Just straight picks. Consider them, "leftovers" of sorts...

Now enjoy, and have a great ending to your holiday weekend. I'll catch you all back in the real world within the next 24-48 hours. I'm sure to be on this Tiger Woods thing next week, along with a slew of other topics from SU hoops, to MLB's hot stove. So be there, or Sheed will track you down, and call you soft....and then possibly challenge you to a prosthetic leg duel to the death...

What? That's just how he rolls...

Get put some grav on these bad boys and get your leftover on....

Enjoy...


Week 12 Picks
Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-11) vs Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals UNDER 39

Philadelphia Eagles (-9) vs Washington Redskins

Buffalo Bills (+3.5) vs Miami Dolphins

Arizona Cardinals @ Tennessee Titans UNDER 47

Seattle Seahawks (-3.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Atlanta Falcons (-12) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers (+3) @ New York Jets

Jacksonville Jaguars @ San Fransisco 49ers OVER 41.5

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Baltimore Ravens (-1.5) vs Pittsburgh Steelers


Monday Night Football
New Orleans Saints (-1.5) vs New England Patriots

Hey, what can I say? If this game's on a neutral field, I'd take the Pats. But that's not the case now, is it? Not only do the Pats suck on the road this year (1-3), but in case you hadn't noticed, the Saints are really freakin' good. I'm not buyin' their defense, so you might wanna take a look at the over too (57), but betting on the Pats might not be such a wise move. And if they allow New Orleans to come from behind and beat them in the 2nd half? Well then that's a trend we as Patriot fans might want to actually take note of, and start to be concerned about. Sure it will be better than rehashing 4th and...wait...was it 2 or 3? I can never remember...but another 2nd half collapse of sorts could signal more of an overlying issue than one wrong move by a typically risky coach...

For the record, because I know there are several of you out there that will tell me "Hey Rooch, I read your blog. Can't believe you're gonna be rooting against the Pats this week?!?"; I am cheering for the Pats, and I do want them to win. My job here, is to give betting advice. And if you want to bet on this game, I advise taking the Saints, and the skinny two. And "skinny two" is betting lingo for 1.5 points, not the nickname for that thing growing on the side of Drew Brees' face. I'm pretty sure he calls it "Oscar" or "Teddy"...

Oh but feel free to perpetuate the rumor that his parents named him "Drew" because when he was born the doctor said "Ahhhhh, it looks like somebody 'drew' a shit stain on his face!!". That's a solid rumor, right there, and who are you to attempt to debunk it? Huh? Yeah, I didn't think so...

Mole havin' bastard...

Last Week: 10-6-0 (Top Picks: 6-4-0)

Overall: 96-67-4 (.587)

Top Picks: 47-40-3 (.539)

Lock of the Week: 10-2-0


Elin Elin Woods, ya'll...

100...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Picks: No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy. STOP!!



It's Thanksgiving, kids, and I'm giving thanks, by giving you a gift. That gift? Well it's access to my brain, of course. And while it might not go well with gravy, and you can't eat it the next day between 2 pieces of bread, the delicious treat I'm passing along may very well be the best part of your sure to be busy Thursday...

So enjoy, my friends. Both my picks and your Thanksgiving. I know you don't like your relatives, but pretend like you do for just one day, and I promise everything will be just fine. OK, maybe not. But between the football and the football, I'm sure you'll be able to distract yourself enough to still have a good time...

Get your eat on, pimps. It's turkey time, and it's time to chase that money...

Gobble, Gobble...

Thanksgiving Day Picks



Green Bay Packers (-11) @ Detroit Lions

It's Thanksgiving, it's the Beard, and it's the Lions...

Nuff said.

You might be wise to take the OVER 47.5 too, seeing as Rodgers and the Pack could easily hang 35 on the "L as in Lions", OR this could turn into another sketchy shootout i.e last week's scrubfest with the Browns...

Me? I happen to think the entire Packer team is rounding into form, so I'll hold off on the 47.5 and just take the Pack at the -11...

Rodgers, Jennings, Grant and Driver split the TurDucken, and everyone drives home safely. Or actually scratch that. The poeple in Detroit can't even afford cars anymore. So I guess walk home safely. And keep an eye out for the trash can fires and the bums with knives. They want stuffing, too, and some of them are off their meds, which could result in a dicey situation...

On second thought, I'd just watch this one from home, Lion fans. That is if you haven't had to sell your TV or burn it for warmth. Ahhhh, bad economy jokes. Will they ever get old? This blogger says No f'n way...




Oakland Raiders (+13.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

I thought the Raiders would be better than advertised this year, and I thought the Cowboys would implode. Two birds, one stone, and all while I'm inhaling delicious desserts...

I believe that's what they call "having your cake, eating it too, and watching too crappy teams with two hideous coaches, do their best not to embarrass themselves on National TV"

But hey, if you believe in karma at all, you might wanna take the Cowboys in a blowout. I mean, I figure Wade Phillips has a gullet, right? And who better to thrive on a day when Turkey's are king than a big fat guy with more chins than...well you can go ahead and finish that Chinese slur on your own time...

On second though, if Phillips comes out with his billowing man-gullet painted red like a turkey, I'm making my parents refinance their house, selling my car, all my clothes, and putting every cent on the Cowboys. And if he has a pilgrim hat on, I'm gonna come rob all of you and put your money on that sucker, too. What? It's a funny hat, right? And isn't he essentially Terd Ferguson?...

Gobble, gobble, you fat, multi-chinned Ted...




New York Giants @ Denver Broncos OVER 41.5

Shady late night Turkey Day shootout? You bet your candy yams it is! But that begs the question, who's eating yams anyway. And what actually is a yam? It sounds like "ham" that comes from a Yak, but I know that's not true. For now, I'll just imagine that it's some sort of vegetable that poor people used to eat out of necessity, rich people now eat on special occasions, and I wouldn't eat if you spotted me set of false teeth and some mouth wash...

It is fun to say though. Say it with me. Yam. And you even do a "Press Your Luck" type deal with it, if you're really anti Yam like me. No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy. STOP! (cue that dude that appears to be the grandfather of the Little Caesar's Pizza mascot, doing a dance that resembles the one that Ashley Simpson did on SNL)




Still hungry? Well between turkey sandos and plate upon plate of leftover pie, dine on these college rivalry games for a little added snack. ME? I'll be bust helping Attleboro defend their '08 Turkey Bowl title against the prepsters from Bishop Feehan. It's like West Side story, only we don't have knives...or do we?

Get some...

NCAA Picks
Auburn (+10) vs (2) Alabama

(5) Cincinnati (-21) vs Illinois

(6) Boise St. vs Nevada OVER 70.5

West Virginia (+1) vs (8) Pittsburgh


One more time, Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble, Gobble...
100...


And one more thing. Since I'm really in the giving mood today, here's an awesome picture of Sheed. It's Sheedtastic!


So for real, I'm out. But not before I wish you and yours a truly Sheedtastic Thanksgiving. Nothin' like gettin' "T'd up" on "T-day"..

100...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

NFL Week 11 Picks: Cry, Cry Again...

What is this, the week 11 picks?

You bet your sweet ass it is. So let's save the pageantry and get right down to business...

Week 11 Picks

New England Patriots (-10.5)
vs New York Jets

So, it's been nearly a week. And despite the fact that every column and every sports talk show opens with "We're not here to talk about "4th & 2", they all end up just rehashing the controversial call, and it's aftermath, over and over and over again...

We've learned through digital slow motion photography, that Kevin Faulk did indeed get enough yardage for the first down, but at the same time we've come to realize that the camera angles necessary to determine that weren't available to the officials. Blah blah blah blah blah...

Get over it, people! It's time to move on!

And what better team to move on to, than the New York Jets? I mean they've lost 5 of 6 since starting 3-0 (a slide predicted right here, I might add/just did add), and their coach has again turned to drastic measures in hopes of motivating his team against their most feared divisional rival. In week 2, he used the "we're not scared" card, and the Jets came out on top, 16-9. This time? He's using the "please cry for me, Argentina" card. And in my opinion, that fat, weepy bastard is running out of cards. Like Belichick has always said, if you gear you're team up for one game, telling them that everything is riding on that one particular regular season game, getting them emotionally invested and hyped up. What happens if you lose? In my opinion, it's a roller coaster you'd rather avoid, but I guess in Rex's case, crying at a team meeting was just par for the course, and his way of staying consistent. All be it ineffective...

You can't completely blame Rex, amidst all the injuries and whatnot, but his strategy of trying to build up specific games as bigger than others is bound to catch up with him sooner or later. This week, it catches up in a big way, as the Pats have double-revenge on their mind, and are in desperate need of righting their ship. Not to mention, Welker's back to help Tom Terrific against the blitz...

Look for Brady and Co. to come out firing early, and to control the clock for the majority of the game. Oh, and if the Jets don't score first, or answer the Pats first score in a timely manner, then this one could be over sooner than you can say "Mayor McCheese"...

Pats 38 Jets 16

It's like Rex already cried, and when he sees the final score, he's gonna cry again...

And there's nothin' bootleg about that. Is there, Jerry?..


Indianapolis Colts (-1) @ Baltimore Ravens

I hate to quote somebody from "First & Ted", or if you'd prefer, "Cold Take", but I am a man that likes to give credit where credit is due. This time, the credit for the inspiration for this week's pick comes from none other than SLAM magazine magnate, Scoop Jackson...

After their near loss against the Patriots (4th &2, 4th & 2, 4th & 2!), Scoop mentioned the fact that the Colts might have a shot at going undefeated this year. They very well could be, as he so eloquently put it, a "team of destiny"...

Hey, listen, I don't wanna believe it either. After all, besides the Steelers there's no team I'd rather see lose than the Colts. But hey, when the man's got a good point, the man's got a good point...

The Ravens may have nearly upended the Pats on their run to regular season perfection, but after their close call against New England, don't expect the Colts to let the Ravens hang nearly as close...


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+11.5) vs New Orleans Saints
St. Louis Rams (+9) vs Arizona Cardinals

Why are these two games grouped together you ask? Eh, well why the Hell not. Two massive home underdogs playing against two teams coming off less than stellar weeks? Seemed appropriate. Plus, the Saints and Rams played each other last week in a battle that ended my Bearded Lock streak, so I kinda feel like I have a basis for an appropriate comparison between the 4 teams and the 2 games...

In the St. Louis game, while I know the Cards are better on the road than at home this year, and that they're flat out better than the Rams, but 9 points is just too many. They may be awful, but after a near win against the Saints last week, I feel their first home "W" of 2009 can't be too far away...

In Tampa, I essentially like the Bucs to follow the St. Louis blueprint, and run the ball well enough to keep this one close. Whether it's Cadillac Williams, Derrick Ward, or the tooth fairy, the gig is up in regards to the Saints defense, and their days of blowing people out may be over. Especially against teams that can run the ball and control the block. Ya know, a team like the Bucs...


Detroit Lions (-3.5) vs Cleveland Browns UNDER 38.5

I'd rather attempt to cut open my veins with a rusty spoon than watch this game, but since I'm taking it as a Top Pick, here goes the analysis...Hey there, rusty spoon!!

The Lions? Favored?!?

That's right, kids. The Browns are so bad that even the Lions are giving points against them, and you'd be wise to take those points and run. Between the see saw situation at QB and veterans like Jamal Lewis complaining about tough practices, we all know how this is gonna end for Eric Mangini, and in all likelihood, it will end after this loss...

Imagine this, Patriot fans, and tell me this isn't the ideal scenario. Mangini gets fired in week 11, after his team loses to the Detroit Lions by 25+. Hey, it's gonna happen. So if you're down for celebrating demise, or dancing on people's graves, go ahead and get your tap shoes ready. That ship's goin' down, and for once, the Rat will be the last one to know about it...


Philadelphia Eagles (-3) @ Chicago Bears

A shady line, involving a team, a QB and a city I despise? Ehhhh, what the Hell. Lock it up, Beard lovers. I may have ended my 9 week streak last week taking the Saints against a ptsy on the road, but I'll take my chances doin' the same thing this week with the Eagles...

I mean, what? Just because their fans think it's a good idea to "fly" on the "road" to victory, doesn't mean their team still isn't better than their hapless opponent. It just means they're all dumb retards who like their steak burned and covered in Cheez Whiz, and would rather worship a fake boxer and boo Santa Claus than they would take some lessons in sports etiquette. Not from the Boston pink hats, mind you, but from somebody other than the ones in which they so enjoying sharing their "brotherly love"...

Kansas City Chiefs (+10) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Listen. I'm 7-3-0 when picking Chiefs games this year, and I'm pretty sure I'm at the very least 3-1 when picking them as home underdogs. Feel the trend, man! Feel it! Because we all know, if you feel it, he will come...

Wait...that sounded like an incredibly gay line straight out of "Field of Creams", which I can only assume is a gay baseball porno featuring Mike Piazza handing out free mustache rides to Pant-less Joe Jackson and the rest of the 1,920 Black Guys...Uh...I mean 1920 Black Sox...

Come on, you knew I was bound to stumble into at least one gross moment this week, didn't ya? I'm sorry that it was a "gay" gross moment, but I can't really control that aspect of my personality. I just start typin' and my brain does the rest. Sometimes it comes up with funny puns about Serena's ass, and sometimes we get stuff like this. You win some, you lose some. kids. And in this case, I'm pretty sure we all just lost 5 minutes of out life at the very least...


Seattle Seahawks (+11) @ Minnesota Vikings

I know I've said time and time again that this is an awful strategy, but as I'm prone to do more often than not, I'm going against my own advice and attempting to predict the "nobody saw this comin'" upset of the week...

The Seahawks are awful on the road (0-4), the Vikings are great at home (4-0), and Seattle's best weapon, it's rushing "attack", is running smack into the 6th ranked rush defense in the league...

So, why the upset? Well, last week rookie RB, Justin Forsett and the Seattle offense went up against an even higher ranked rushing D on the road in Arizona, and Forsett torched the Cardinals for 123 in an 11 point loss. Granted that's the exact spread in their match up this week, and I've already conceded the Vikes are better than the Cards, but that's exactly why I'm taking this as the "nobody saw it coming" upset pick of the week...

Well, at least the "upset backdoor cover" of the week...


Monday Night
Tennessee Titans (+5) @ Houston Texans

Then we have the Titans and Texans on Monday Night Football. The Titans, return home to face the city and the fans that they left just a short 12 years ago, while the Texans hope their literal homefield advantage can help them rebound from a near win 2 weeks ago against the still undefeated Colts...

And therein lies the reason you would think would cause me to pick the Texans. "Two weeks ago". AKA - They're coming off a bye. That, and they've won 3 of their last 4, with their only loss a 3 point road defeat to the still undefeated Colts...

But this is a division game, and the fact that it's on Monday night, only gives me more reason to pick the Titans. They're familiar with their opponent, which means they don't necessarily need the extra preparation time. And seeing as they took such a brutal beatdown earlier in the year in front of their home fans, they can use this match up to make it up to their original fans, who still reside in Houston, and no doubt would still much rather be rooting for the Oilers...

Frank Reich ain't walkin' through that door, kids. Oilers win! Oilers win!



And here, are the bastard picks. May they all grow up to be big Hollywood stars, forgive me for neglecting them, and toss me a bone by allowing me to "executive produce" their latest film about killer teen robots, who try to take over the world, but realize they have hearts too, and decide not too. It's actually a good concept, and the voice of the head teen robot is done by the kid that used to do those Dell adds. Yeah, he's out of prison now / I'm pretty sure he's still in there, and is currently starring in his biggest role ever...Somebody's penis relief tube...Can you say "Academy Award", Dell guy? Well maybe you could if you took that makeshift rag out of your mouth...


Jacksonville Jaguars (-8.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Atlanta Falcons (+6.5) @ New York Giants

San Fransisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers OVER 42

Washington Redskins (+11) @ Dallas Cowboys

Cincinnati Bengals @ Oakland Raiders UNDER 36.5

Denver Broncos (+3) vs San Diego Chargers


Last Week: 12-4-0 (Top Picks: 8-2-0)

Top Picks: 41-36-3 (.531)

Overall: 86-61-4 (.583)

Lock of the Week: 9-2-0 (.818)

Lost out on pushing the lock streak to 10, but seeing as my week was fantastic otherwise, I really have no cause to complain. Actually got my Top Picks above .500, too, which is always a good thing...


Now, it's onto the college action...


This week's slate features Ohio St./Michigan, Stanford/Cal and some other great match ups, but to be honest my mind's already on to college hoops. How 'bout those Syracuse Orange, huh?

But I wouldn't be concerned. I'm fairly confident that the only reason I continue to slay NCAA football games against the spread is because I fail to actually breakdown and analyze these things beyond who's at home, how big's the #, and any past match ups between the two squads I might be able to recall from the ole memory bank...

Hey, it's a shady strategy, I know, and feel free to laugh. But it's a strategy I've been using for just about 5 years now, and it's been making me laugh, too. Laughin' all the way to the bank!, that is...Bam!

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (OFF)
vs Florida International

(2) Alabama (OFF)vs Chattanooga

(3) Texas (-27) vs Kansas

(4) TCU (-31) @ Wyoming

(6) Boise St. (-23) @ Utah St.

(9) Ohio St. (-11) @ Michigan

Ole Miss (-3.5) vs (10) LSU

Arizona (+6.5) vs (11) Oregon

Michigan St. (+3.5) vs (13) Penn St.

(14) Stanford (-7) vs California

(15) Iowa (-10) vs Minnesota

(16) Virginia Tech (-21) vs NC St.

Northwestern (+7) vs (17) Wisconsin

(18) Clemson (-21) vs Virginia

(19) BYU (-10) vs Air Force

(20) Oregon St. (-31) @ Washington St.

Duke (+19.5) @ (21) Miami

(23) Utah (-20) vs San Diego St.

(24) Houston (-23.5) vs Memphis

(25) Rutgers (-9.5) @ Syracuse



Last Week: 11-9-0

Overall: 106-66-4 (.614)


So there you have it, Teds and Tedettes. Another week of delicious picks for you to savor, and I even managed to reference the Dell guy and Mayor McCheese. All 'n all, I'd say that's a pretty successful post...

Before I go, I'd like to again thank all of you for the amazing response I got from the "4th & 2" post, and assure you that it should only be a matter of time before Frosco has the comment section up and running so you can more easily praise or rip me right there on the spot. Trust me, he's workin' on it. And even if it means the delayed release of my new "Mad Men", background, so be it. Without the people, there can be no Nation. Without the people, it would just be me, typing down the things that appear in my brain. And that's not cool, matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it's part of the clinical definition of "insanity"...

But what do I know? I'm not a doctor. Even though sometimes I play one on the radio...

See you next week, kids! And if I don't talk to you before, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble Gobble...

Teddy Williams...
100...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

4th & 2, I'm Sick of You...



Patriot Nation, you've left me no choice...

In a week that was supposed to feature my much hyped dissection of Red Sox vs Yankee fans, the non-stop talk about "4th and 2" has led me to once again call and an audible...

You guys wanna know what I think (and I know you do by the massive messaging influx to me Droid), and as a man of the people, I shall not disappoint. As usual, I'm sure my attempt to calm the storm will do nothing but fan the flames, but hey, "it is what it is"...

So here we go...

#1 (clearing of the throat-piece)

So which one is it, Patriots fan? Do you want a coach with stones the size of Serena's ass, or don't ya? I mean, cuz that's what this is coming down to, isn't it? OK, so the Patriots lost. But why? Hmmm. Easy answer? Lack of execution. Plain and simple. By the players, by the coaches, by everyone with a flying Elvis on their shirt, jersey, hat or towel...or whatever that half sleeved capris shirt was that Bill Hoodsworth had on. I mean, hello? You're name is Bill Hoodsworth. Where's your freakin' hood?!

But that's what it was. Lack of execution...

Maroney fumbles into the endzone...Lack of execution.

Brady throws a pick into double coverage...Lack of execution.

The punt team needs to be called off the field, thus burning a vital time out...Lack of execution.

Kevin Faulk bobbling the ball on that fateful 4th & 2...Lack of execution.


And I could go on. Which is not to say, by any means, that the Patriots didn't do a ton of things well on Sunday night (Vollmer for one...Thank God/Later Matt Light...and of course Randy's sick beard!), it's just I'm here to explain a loss, so you're not gonna get too much of that...

Point is, what you didn't find on that list as an example of lack of execution, was Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th & 2 deep inside his own territory. You can blame him for the punt team timeout if you want, or the fact that his defense didn't seem to be on the same page in the end on whether or not to tackle Addai, but in terms of going for it on 4th & 2, it simply wasn't a bad call. It might look like one, because it didn't work, but that doesn't mean the strategy wasn't sound, or that Belichick wouldn't be more than justified to attempt it again...

Here's why it makes sense...

Bam! He does stuff like this all the time, and his success rate is off the chain. Anyone recall giving up a safety? OR how about a more recent example? Going for it on 4th & 1 on their own 21 against the Falcons?

I mean, come on here people. I know the play didn't work, but for a guy that's built his reputation on making calls like this, how can we sit here and be shocked that he did this? How can people seriously be letting this one play call, that came up 6 inches and a bobbled ball short of locking up win #7 and stopping your undefeated nemesis on their own turf, how can they be letting this one call totally alter their thinking?

I get it. We're all disappointed. I know a lot of you think I'm a cold hearted cynic, but even I felt that one. It was a tough loss. But to let the loss, and the controversial play that "ended" it, change your opinion of a guy who's made his living risking it all on calls like that? I just don't see it...

Belichick has always said that he stresses his faith in their ability to execute a given play more so than any other factor when it comes to situational play calling. Now had he planned, like he's said he did, to go for it on 4th down "no matter what" in that instance, you could question why he just didn't run the ball those 2 downs, but that can go back to lack of execution. What I think we all should be focusing on, is that the only reason we should be upset, is because the play didn't work. You wanna be mad at somebody? Be mad at Maroney for coughin' up the bean. Bam! Game over, right there...

I don't know. Maybe this is all so easy for me to cope with because apparently just like Bill, there was little doubt in my mind that no matter where the Pats gave Peyton Manning the ball, the end result was going to be the same. You can argue me the "well 70 yards is tougher than 30" argument all you want, and while it's a strong one, no doubt, I just don't buy it. It makes sense, and I get it. 70 yards is more than 30. But between the fact Peyton had been carving the Pats up in the 2nd half, and the fact that said defense was looking dead tired, I liked their chances of getting 6 no matter where they were...


Don't take that as a slap in the face to the defense, either. They were tired, on the road, and up against one of the best QBs of...well...of all time, I guess. Right? I hear what guys like Harrison and Bruschi are sayin' in the media about how what Bill did was a direct shot as his defense, but those guys need to check their ego's at the door. I respect them a lot, both as players and now media members, but how is essentially saying "sorry, but we don't want to give the ball back to a future HOF QB, who's just torched you guys like 3 times in a row, and will have plenty of time to work with", an insult to the defense? Isn't it more just a statement of facts? I know a lot of you throw out the "well at least give the defense a shot" argument, but this is the NFL, not some "trophies for everybody" Pop Warner cookout. Bill's there to win games. If guys can't handle stuff like that, that sucks for them...

Face it. The defense wasn't getting the job done in the 4th quarter, and they were about to be faced with Peyton Manning's 2 minute drill, in his own building. That right there is a pretty strong argument as to why you'd wanna keep them off the field. I'd imagine it was the same thoughts Bill had, judging by his actions, and while it didn't work out this time, I hope he continues having such linear and logical thoughts in the future...

Wow, that was funny to say. It's like, here I am apologizing for Bill Belichick making a ballsy call. The very thing he's been lauded for all these years, and here I am having to basically stand up for him. Just weird...

I look at it this way. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you make the right plays, and you still lose. That's just the way things work. My hats off to Peyton Manning and the Colts. They fought hard and held on to their perfect record, and they deserved the win. I also think they've been served notice that their decade-long rival is back in the fold. I mean, can they honestly think another meeting in Indy will result in the Pats making that many mistakes and allowing them to hand around? I seriously doubt it. I bet they'll be improved too, should these two teams meet again, but despite the tragic ending, I'd think that undefeated or not, a lot of people will be taking the Pats. But hey, that's another talk for another time...

Main message here, is to hate the result, and to hate the overall lack of execution. Just don't hate the coach. It would be like hating Dog the Bounty Hunter for tracking you down for skipping out on your Meth bond. That's his job, isn't it?! So it didn't necessarilyy benefit you this time, so what? He's still the man, right? Still doin' his job! That's just Bill. He's doin' his job. Doin' the same stuff that brought this team 3 Super Bowl rings. So let him keep doin' it, and for the love of God give the man the benefit of the doubt...

Listen, I know the "4th & 2" call is an easy way to tie a bow on this thing, and I get that it's gonna live on forever in Belichikian lore. All I'm sayin', is don't get caught up in the hype. If you hated Belichick before, and this this is just further proff of his arogance, then I don't have anything for ya. We just disagree. For the rest of, as corny as it sounds, just go head and chalk this one up to "you can't win 'em all", and continuing keeping the faith...

Next week. Sexy Rexy eats it, and all will be virtually forgotten...


Two final notes, and seeing as I never got past #1 in my original rant, I'll call them #'s 2 and 3...

#2
Gotta give another Intraweb shout out to my good friend, Adam "Whitey" Rosen, who was just engaged last night. He is pale, and he is frail, but there aren't any better sports fans, or any better friends out there. I salute you, Mr. Whites, and wish you and Mrs. Whites nothing but the best...

Oh and PS - I hear "Rooch" is Hebrew for Pimp, so name you're kid that and I'm sure he'll be one hell of a mensch!

#3
I published post on my Droid. Boo yah!

Join the Droid Revolution, kids! It's like a political uprising, except there's Facebook and a lightsaber app where you can be Samuel L Jackson...

See ya Friday!

Teddy Williams...
100...

Friday, November 13, 2009

NFL Week 10 Picks: The Droid & The Sports Ted



Derek Jeter. Mariano Rivera. Andy Pettitte. Jorge Posada...

Don't worry, I'm not launching into some pseudo-justified Yankee love-fest on ya. I'm just letting you know, in the clever way that I do, that I know I forgot to write my promised and much ballyhooed article comparing Yankee fans and Red Sox fans...

But hey, what can I say? Had I known 7 days ago that Bill Simmons was going to out himself as the arrogant Ted that he really is, and that I would come into possession of the greatest media device since the Walkman, then maybe I wouldn't have made such a lofty promise. A promise to separate the Freuds from the Frauds, and explain once and for all why it is I've never embodied the typical Boston hatred of the New York Yankees...

But here we are. I have the new Droid, from Verizon, and I'm struggling with the reality that I'd gone this long without it. I mean, really? I made it this far in life without having this thing?!?! Simply astonishing...

I mean I haven't even delved into 5% of what this thing can do, and I'm already amazed at how much easier it has made my life. I know a lot of you were far out ahead of me on the smart phone curve, but I believe my patience in waiting for a truly amazing Verizon device has finally paid off. Sure, having a Blackberry or a Voyager or whatever would have been good enough to tide me over, but I think the waiting has made me all that more appreciative...

So get ready to be bombarded by yours truly on the Al Gore Information Network more and more frequently. After all, it's in my pocket now. And there's no denying the sweet siren song of the Al Gore Network when it's only a few thumb bumps away...

Droid: It's hotter than kitten mittens, and Hell, it will probably find your lost cat, too...


Then there's Bill Simmons...

This past week, courtesy of a run in with Boston Sports radio superpower, WEEI, "The Sports Ted" has finally shown his true colors as an arrogant, unaccountable, "know it all". He proved that he'd rather hide behind his computer and his legion of blind and ignorant fans than stand up and take responsibility, or accept an invitation to a legitimate battle of wits and wills. He truly is the antithesis of everything I hope to become, and for years I've cringed when compared to him. I've always thought he was an "all talk" type of guy that represented the worst side of Boston sports and it's fans, when claiming to be doing the exact opposite. And this week, he went a long way towards proving me right. The tactics he used when dealing with WEEI's "The Big Show", were not only childish and unprofessional, but they proved, at least to me, once and for all that this guy is less the "passionate fan" he claims to be, and more the "whiny poser" that many, including yours truly, have labeled him as for close to a decade...

But hey, who am I? Read the article for yourself, and tell me what you think. I've already received some pretty powerful feedback from a few Simmons' fans ranging from "Wow, I still like him, but I wish he hadn't done that" to "So he's basically a huge pussy, huh?"...


I think we all know where I'd sit on that tempestuous scale, but like I said, I encourage you to read through the timeline of events, and judge for yourself...Oh, and if you were to look at that scale on a piece of paper or say, the Internet?, it would look something like this...

The "0", to represent that you still like Simmons, would be a picture of Bill being coated in various "liquids" by the likes of Bird, Orr, Borque, Parrish, and his "cousin Sal". Obviously he'd be wearing a Tom Brady jersey and a pink Boston Red Sox hat while this was all goin' down...

The "10", to represent that you think Simmons is a huge Ted, is more or less one of those "Calvin" decals from Calvin and Hobbs, where Calvin is takin' a whizz right into The Sports Ted's mouth. See? It's an easy scale. Liquid based, everybody gets a good chuckle, and I get some decent feedback from God fearing sports fans who know a Ted when they smell one...

Please Die, So We Can All Live In Peace:
http://www.bostonherald.com/business/media/view/20091112sports_guy_jabs_weei_says_theyre_bullies/srvc=home&position=3

One last thing. how great is it that I type in "Bill Simmons tool" to Google images, and that picture of Bill and Dane Cook comes up? Hahahahaha. So appropriate. And yet another reason as to why a Google based phone, like Droid, is way cooler than anything you have in your pocket. Those 2 Teds deserve each other, and neither of them deserves a Droid...or a beard...

Now, it's on with this week's picks. And don't worry. I still got more for ole Billy Boy where that came from, and I still have plenty to spew about the Sox, Yanks & NCAA Hoops, so stay tunin' in. Plus, you never know when I'm gonna blast you from my Droid with some random video of two old guys duking it out on the side of the road. OH, man! Imagine if I had this phone when that went down?!? I'd be an Internet millionaire by now, and I'd be having this typed for me by a topless Ivy Leaguer turned Playmate turned personal assistant on my porch in sunny Malibu...

Ahhh, Internet money. Ain't nothin' in the world sweeter than that...

Which brings me to these. Enjoy...

Week 10 Picks
New England Patriots (+3)
@ Indianapolis Colts UNDER 51

Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady! PEYTON MANNING!!!
OK, dudes, we get it. They're both really good. If you favor championships, Tom's your man. If you're down with raw stats, then it's Peyton. 6 of one and pick 'em, as the saying goes, and as big a Brady fan as I am I'd have to acquiesce. If I have one game to win, or one drive to get me a score? I'm goin' with Tom. I'm picking someone to win my fantasy league's and lead a highly powerful and explosive offense? I'm probably picking Peyton Manning. 2007 aside, Manning has Brady crippled in numbers. Not that I hold the numbers in as high esteem as the winning, but seeing as they can't actually "play each other", the numbers do go a long way towards determining whose been more productive...

Like I said, it's a dog chasing it's tale type of argument that we could talk about all day and the talk shows have talked about all week, so let's leave it be. Besides, if I'm right about what I'm seeing for this match up, it should be more about defense than it is about offense, anyway...

Both Indy and New England are ranked top 8 in points against, and both have the same type of match up questions heading into their Sunday Night showdown. The Pats need to decide whether they want to try and eliminate the "inside" passing game with Dallas Clark, Austin Collie and the "Peter Garson's Project", or try to take away Reggie Wayne on the outside. The Colts, have the same issue when it comes to the short Patriot passing attack, featuring Wes Welker and Ben Watson, versus the constant deep threat Randy Moss...

Similar problems, and while I won't claim to know how they're going to address them, I do like their chances of "figuring it out". These offenses are plenty good, we all know that. That's why, in a game like this, the focus turns to the defense more than ever...

Look for both teams to employ the Belichickian "bend but don't break" style of defense, leading to a lot of ball movement, but not a ton of scoring. Field goals and failed 4th downs should the calling card in this one, leading to a classic ending where the "new Vinatieri" take his place where he rightly belongs. As the best kicker in the NFL...

Pats 23 Colts 20

Hey, I figure if he's gonna be like Adam, he has to kick the FG when the game is tied, right?


Tennessee Titans (-6) vs Buffalo Bills

Not gonna lie to ya kids. A tad short on time this week, and a little nicked up thanks to the carpel tunnel I think I copped from usin' my Droid too much, so there won't be a ton on the rest of these tilts. That's not to say I didn't do my due diligence in regards to making my selections. It's just that I don't have as much time as I'd like to release my spectacular vernacular and perfectly pontificate my thoughts and beliefs. Well I mean, I did have time, but I spent it bitching about Bill Simmons, and dreaming of topless, naughty school girls who definitely experimented a little with chick on chick action in college. It's cool, all us guys know all you "cool" chicks tried it out. And believe me, we're down...

In this game, I like the fact that my man, Jeff Fisher has got his crew rolling again and playing hard. The 49ers are a pretty good team, and for Tennessee to go out there and beat them by 7 shows to me they're more than capable of controlling the Bills. Especially on their home turf...

I don't know if Vince Young has been the reason this team's turned it around, and I don't care. I just know they're playing good football right now, and that should be enough to beat the Bills by a touchdown...


New Orleans Saints (-13.5) @ St. Louis Rams

This has "backdoor cover" written all over it for the Rams, but that won't stop me from making this my lock of the week. I don't think the Saints, or anyone for that matter, is going undefeated this year, but I just don't see this as the week they trip up. Drew Brees has proven himself time and time again as a great leader and a very focused player, so I'd be surprised if he allowed his boys to take a breather this week just because their opponent is 1-7...

Lock it up, Beard lovers. Try to push that streak to a solid 10 straight. That'd be beard-tastic!...


San Diego Chargers (-2) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Two shady, unpredictable teams that I wouldn't piss on if they were burning to death and I really had to pee. I'd rather die by poisoning my own body with my urine than save these teams should they all happen to get in some horrific plane accident, still be alive, and be on the side of the road writhing in pain while their flesh burns at such a rate that it fuses to their organs...

That being, said. While I think the Eagles are the better team, I don't trust them on the road. Especially after that sketchy tank job they pulled at home against the Cowboys last week...

Not sure how they'll get it done exactly, but I'm taking the Chargers, and crossing my fingers Non-Rogers Cromartie pulls some sort of pick 6 or maybe a 134 yard field goal return for a "Dan Cortese" like 15 pointer...

What? It could happen...


Green Bay Packers (+3) vs Dallas Cowboys

As long as DeMarcus Ware doesn't kill Rodgers before halftime, scalp his beard off, and pin it to his belt like a lucky rabbit's beard, then I like the Pack's chances of using week 10 to right their ship. The loss at Tampa Bay had to have been a wake up call, and I just don't see a team this talented losing 3 straight, and falling below .500...

A rare 3 points for the Packers at Lambeau. I say take it, run with it, and pray Rodgers stays upright until at least midway through the 3rd. Not just for his sake, and for the sake of your betting dollars. But for my fantasy team. Between my team, and the team I help co-manage, I haven't lost in over a month and have totaled 11 straight wins overall. And seeing as having the SF defense on my bench last night didn't' exactly get me off to the best of starts, I'm gonna really need Rodgers to keep doin' his thing in order to keep this delicious fantasy train headed in the right direction...

Choo-Choo, mother fucker. It's the Beard-man comin' through...


Washington Redskins (+4) vs Denver Broncos

I was told this week, by someone who I've privately labeled the sketchiest degenerate gambler I've ever met, that you "always pick a home team getting points against a team that lost the previous Monday Night"...

So here's to me, proving him wrong, while, at the same time, putting myself in the wondrous and always prosperous, "win-win situation". Either I pad my record (which could use some padding if you hadn't noticed), or I get to call out this fraudzilla for the...well...the fraudzilla that he is. It's really quite the beautiful thing...

If I'm you, I don't touch this game with a Ted-foot pole...


Arizona Cardinals (-8.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

I had decently high hopes for the Seahawks when the season started, but as they struggled to win last week at home against the Lions, I've officially given up on them when it has anything to do with them playing anyone decent, or anyone on the road...

This week, they have to do both. Oh, and if you want some stats to back this up, try these out...

Seattle on the road this year: 0-3 (SF, IND, DAL)

Average # lost by in road games: 17

Result vs Arizona on October 18th in Seattle: Loss, 27-3

Yeah...

And you know what? I was so convinced by those numbers, that I'm adding this game to the Bearded Lock ledger as well. Two Beard's, one cup, baby!

Eww. OK, just two beards. No cup. That's just disgusting. I apologize for even getting a semblance of those awful images stuck in your head...

And if you think that's gross, you might not want to continue...


Kansas City Chiefs (+2.5) @ Oakland Raiders

See? Didn't I warn ya? Truly disgusting...

Even better, I'm taking similar numbers to the one's I just used to justify making the Cardinals a lock, and using them to against the Raiders. For instance. Oakland already beat Kansas City @ Kansas City. By the logic in the previous game, that would mean I'd have to pick Oakland. But alas! Figures lie and liars figure, and never has that been more appropriate than here at Rooch Nation...Expect for the fact that I never lie. But you get what I'm sayin'...

My logic here, is that unlike with Seattle and Arizona, these two teams are pretty much equally shitty. Therefore, neither is worthy of a season series sweep, which would mean the Chiefs will come out victorious. Also, I sprinkled in a dash of the fact that I'm 4-1 against the spread this year when picking the Chiefs as an underdog. Granted 3 of those wins came when they were playing at the friendly confines of Arrowhead Stadium or whatever they might be calling that thing now, but I figure keeping the faith and rolling the dice against the lowly Raiders can't be all that much of a risk...

In a game like this, there is no real winner, anyway. So don't feel bad if you lose. It's like a tree falling in the Amazon. The only one that's gonna hear it, is Sting. And who cares what he thinks. Freakin' Eurotrash...


Games that are going to end up haunting me because I should have made them Top Picks: Dolphins (-10), Vikings (-16)...

That is all...



Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Jets UNDER 40

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers UNDER 42.5

Minnesota Vikings (-16) vs Detroit Lions

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers OVER 43

Miami Dolphins (-10) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers



Monday Night
Baltimore Ravens (-10.5) @ Cleveland Browns

You know who's a great coach? Eric Mangini...

I can't wait for his book From Mangenius to Mangina: The Erica Mangini Story. And by book, I mean Lifetime movie starring Andy Milonakis as Eric Mangini. That's right. I said Andy Milonakis. What of it? You laughed when you read it, didn't you? And what? You sayin' the kid doesn't deserve to get some semi-legitimate roles? Why? Because he's a fat Ted that had a sketchy TV show and made his money talking about how orange juice raped his father and how he had a Bruce Lee head?

Hmmm. Those are all valid points. And while I'm watching the Ravens smoke the Browns like a stale Virginia Slim dipped in lighter fluid, I'll rethink me views on Mr. Milonakis, and ponder whether or not I've given the kid too much credit...

Now if you'd excuse me, cuz I gots to get my tree fed...


Last Week: 8-5-1 (Top Picks: 4-5-1)

Overall: 74-57-4 (.563)

Top Picks: 33-34-3 (.493)

Lock of the Week: 9-1-0 (.900)



Here I go! Here I am! Uncle Rooch! Thank ya ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Rooch, here I am, while you eat!

Not sure why that was stuck in my head, but when you crush the competition when it comes to picking college games, you don't need to make sense! You just need to pick winners. So here's another batch. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward...

Uncle Rooch! Here I am! Eat your fries....eat 'em...

Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag: http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/65501/detail/

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (-15.5) vs South Carolina

(2) Texas (-23.5) @ Baylor

(3) Alabama (-11.5) @ Mississippi St.

(4) TCU (-18.5) vs (16) Utah

(5) Cincinnati (-9) vs West Virginia

(6) Boise St. (-31.5) vs Idaho

(7) Georgia Tech (-12) @ Duke

(8) Pittsburgh (-7) vs Notre Dame

(9) LSU (-24) vs Louisiana Tech

(10) Ohio St. (-15) vs (15) Iowa

(25) Stanford (+11.5) @ (11) USC

North Carolina (+3.5) vs (12) Miami

(13) Houston (-4) @ UCF

(14) Oregon (-18) vs Arizona St.

(17) Oklahoma St. (-3) vs Texas Tech

(18) Arizona (+3.5) @ California

Indiana (+25.5) @ (19) Penn St.

Maryland (+19.5) vs (20) Virginia Tech

Michigan (+9) @ (21) Wisconsin

New Mexico (+26.5) vs (22) BYU



Last Week: 14-7-1

Overall: 94-57-4 (.619)


There ya go, boys and girls. Another chapter in the perverted tale that is my life combined with gambling advice and random TV shows clips. Not a bad existence, if I do say so myself. Plus the French benefits are great!...

What? So we don't get French benefits? Ha! Now that, was a great commerical...

Have a good Friday the 13th, kids. And have a great weekend...

If you need me, you can Droid me. And now if I don' respond right away, you an rest assured that I;m ignoring you. Gone are the days where I could hide behind inadequate technology. We now live in a day and time where if I'm ignoring you, it's because you've either bored me to death, or I've deemed you not worthy of battery time on my other worldy device...

Sponge-worthy? Try Droid-worthy. Do you make the cut? Take the plunge, and find out. And, uh. Do somethin' about those sideburns...

Mattingly, cut those sideburns!! Ahhh I could go on all day.../ I really cant...

Teddy Williams...
100...

Friday, November 06, 2009

NFL Week 9 Picks: A Prelude to The Truman Show



The subconscious is a tough nut to crack, lemme tell ya...

I mean, I'm sitting here, in the wake of the worst Trojan Horse style military ambush in memory, and for whatever reason I feel it's a good time to sit down and watch Capote, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. I hear about senseless killings in the news, and without seeking it out, I end up watching a movie about what else, but senseless killings in the news...

For those not familiar, Capote, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Chris Cooper and Catherine Keener, is the story of American author Truman Capote and his experience in writing arguably his greatest work, In Cold Blood, the story of a Kansas family that was murdered in their own home for no discernable reason. If you haven't seen the film, or read the book for that matter, I suggest you seek it out and give it a good once over. I tend to label darker movies like this as ones that "only me and my nerdy movie friends would like", but I still can't deny from suggesting it to you in the hopes that I could bring you over to my dark side of delicious cinema. It's brilliantly filmed, and masterfully acted, and while it doesn't come all that close to cracking my top 20, I would definitely label it as a "must see"...

But enough about my film crush on the PS Hoff-ernator. That's what I call my man Philly Seymour Hoffman. And sometimes I call him Big Philly Styles. But that's another post for another day. What I'm trying to focus in on, is just the bizarre nature of the subconscious. Could it have been coincidence that I put Capote on? Sure, I'd buy that. I mean I do really like it and I hadn't seen it in a while. But what I know about how the brain works tells me there's probably at the very least a little subconscious action involved here...

And it's in thinking about that, that I started thinking about the world of sports. Shocking, I know. But I go to thinking about the Red Sox, their fans, of which I still consider myself one of the highest order. The World Series, and the Yankees getting their 27th title. I got to thinking about my picks for this week, trying to figure out how I was going to triple guess myself into mediocrity. And it got me to thinking about the age old question of "Do we do things because we want to do them, or do we do them because we feel we're going to be pleased with the result". That goes for both conscious and sub or unconscious thoughts...

It's a good question, if you think about it. And one that, Lord knows, even my finely tuned cranial instrument would have trouble answering. But rest assured, I'm gonna try. Not right now, mind you, be on the look out for that post early next week. It'll be a complete breakdown of the psyche involved in the Red Sox/Yankee rivalry (not really, but it'll be good), and a look at how those teams and their fans view things so differently, that they might as well not even be watching the same sport. A lot of you are gonna hate me for some of the things I have to say, but that hasn't stopped me before and I don't plan on having it stop me now. It's just that I'm choosing to wait to write about it until the weekend's over do I don't discourage any of my many fans from buying me a complimentary cocktail over the next few days...

I told you I was going to start posting based more on inspiration, and that's what you're about to get, so stay tuned...

For now, it's time for me to battle my own subconscious and triple guess myself into mediocrity. So enjoy...

Week 9 Picks

New England Patriots (-10) vs Miami Dolphins

I sat in the Meadowlands last weekend, flanked my my good friend and free ticket supplier, Jared Hutter, and watched the Jets control the ball all game only to let 3 big plays lead to their demise. Without those plays, the two Ted Ginn Jr. kickoff returns and the Jason Taylor fumble return for a touchdown, the Dolphins not only lose that game, but they lose it convincingly. And I know, I know, you can't just dismiss those big plays, but you can dismiss the fact that against the fundamentally sound Patriots, those situations will be few and far between. No matter what Joey Porter might think...

I do respect the Dolphins, though, which is why I'm having a little trouble picking the Pats to cover such a big spread. What will help me sleep at night is the fact that it's Belichick, with a week off, going against a rookie QB making the toughest road start of his career. Bill tends to thrive in those situations in case you hadn't noticed...

Look for the Pats to rely on the short pass early and often to control the ball and the clock, look for the Miami defense to sputter early and thanks to the Jets pseudo blueprint last week to shutting down the Wildcat and Chad Henne's limited ability/weapons (don't think Bill B. Hoodsworth wasn't watching that game), and ultimately look for the Pats to have this one all but safely tucked away by halftime...

Like I said, I respect the Dolphins, but with the Pats being well rested, well prepared, at home, and with the Bill's seemingly extra emphasis on every divisional game, I can't help but think the Pats are gonna win, and win big...

31-10, and in the end you'll be shocked that they won be so little...



Cincinnati Bengals (+3) vs Baltimore Ravens

Chalk this up as a line that "just doesn't look right". That's not gonna stop me from making this game one of my Top Picks, but that's probably more or less due to me being a stubborn bastard more than it is anything else...

I've been taught through the years, by many a wiser man than myself, there are sure fire signs why to pick and why to stay away from certain games. In this instance, and in many before and surly after, I'm choosing to ignore them. And believe me, a home team getting spotted 3 points to a team that they already beat by 3 on the road is definitely a sure fire sign to stay away. That sign says, "Get away from here, Rooch, Vegas knows something about this game that you will never figure out!" And right below that it says, "You're better off trying to sell your reality TV pilot The House That Sledge Built, about your buddy Hunter Schlesinger and the crazy life he's living helping his dad run a restaurant while simultaneously opening a deli and a new sports bar."...

Hmmm. Touche, sign. I mean I'm still picking the Bengals, but now you got me thinking about my next possible brilliant idea that's sure to never gain momentum, and most assuredly fall by the wayside...

I mean, you shudda seen it. I went Schlesginer's Steak House for a quick delicious cow slab before I headed home from NYC, and when Hunter took me on the tour of everything that's goin' on, my head was literally spinning. Hey, I figure if they're makin' shows about random housewives and people cutting down trees, then this tale of a family run business full of colorful characters and constant turmoil is a can't miss. I wasn't there 2 hours and I heard a bartender tell me about a biker brawl the night before at a local bar, and I met a guy named Jerry "The Shoe", a former auctioneer, "former guest of the government", and overall a guy who just "knows how to get things". He's Neil "The Sledge" Schlesinger's right hand man, and if you could see the motley crew he's surrounded his other limb's with, you'd know why this shit would be must see TV. Plus, they're already in Orange County, so they got that goin' for 'em from a reality TV standpoint...which is nice...

It doesn't hurt that Hunter is a wannabee actor (he lost out to that chubster for Sleepless In Seattle and played Jane Seymour's kid once upon a time) or that their food is awesome, either. I had a steak the size of your head for lunch, and not a more delicious piece of beef has ever crossed my lips...

Oh, and those jokes you just thought about after reading that last sentence just make you a sick bastard who needs to stop fantasizing about dude on dude love. Especially at my expense. You're just sick bastards. Subconsciously, consciously, any way you freaking slice it. That's why I'm creating TedSpin.com. For sick people like you. Trust me, you're gonna love it...

That is if it doesn't go the way of "Rock of Sledge" or whatever the Hell I was gonna call that steakhouse show. What was I thinkin'?..

Oh wait, I know what that was. It was the A.D.H.D. startin to take over. Startin' to ramble. Time for a picture of a hot chick, and a tribute to the bearded man that's helped keep my fantasy team on the right track...


Green Bay Packers (-10) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

A candidate for lock of the week if not for The Beard's gimpy toe, I still have enough confidence in the explosive Packer offense to make this one of my primo selections. I mean Rodgers is the top rated passer in the NFL right now, despite the fact that he's been sacked a league high 31 times. Conversely, the Bucs are tied with the Texans for 3rd worst in the NFL with just 11 total sacks on the season. Now I'm no chef/I very well could be, but that my friends is a recipe for disaster...

That, and if those are the chicks Rodgers is able to pull in Green Bay, imagine the outfits his ladies wear when they don't have to deal with sub zero temperatures. Well played, Mr. Rodgers. I hope to be visiting the neighborhood in which you snagged that dime piece sometime in the very near future...


Atlanta Falcons (-10) vs Washington Redskins

Speaking of the Lock of the Week, here it is. Last week I shocked the world by picking the Titans as my lock, pushing my record to a God like 7-1, but this week it's back to the basics. The Redskins suck, the Falcons are pretty good, and their playing in Atlanta...

Lock it up, kids. And watch the legend of the beard continue to grow. Pun? Intended...


Seattle Seahawks (-10) vs Detroit Lions

One of those aforementioned tips I've been given through the years in regards to picking games, is to when in doubt, always take the Seahawks at home. Granted the Birds haven't exactly looked like world beaters in their past 2 games, being outscored 65-20 including a 27-3 home loss to the Cardinals, but when their at home against less than stellar opponents is when their at their best. They smacked lowly St. Louis 28-0 to open the season, and smacked a sputtering Jacksonville team 41-0 @ home in week 5...

Combine that with the fact that both Matthew Stafford and RB Kevin Smith are still somewhat hobbled by injuries, and it's not only why I like Seattle big, but it's why I'm choosing to start their defense this week for my fantasy team. Even without former local star, linebacker Lofa Tatupu...

Just somethin' about that sadium, man. Sketchy fans, but a home field advantage is a home field advantage...


New Orleans Saints (-13) vs Carolina Panthers

::DISCLAIMER: I haven't picked an NFC South divisional match up correctly since the division was created. ::

That being the case, I almost took the Panthers and the UNDER of 52 in an attempt to triple reverse my way to victory. But I didn't, so I guess that would make this the quadruple reverse...
Long story short, you can virtually guarantee now that I pick the Saints, that not only will the Panthers cover, but they will probably win all while holding the total score to 50 or 51. You can bank on it. I can't, because then it won't happen, but I'm making this sacrifice so that you can make some money. I'm cool like that. I mean, I'm cool in a ton of other ways too, like my manly beard or my ability come up with nicknames that stick. But this is the only way in which I'm cool that will help you line your pockets with green backs. That is, unless you're willing to invest in one of the myriad of partial brilliant business ideas I got cookin' in that big brain of mine...

I don't wanna bore you with those, though. I mean, it's not like you'd want to ride my genius to a pile of delicious Internet money or perhaps a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, would ya? Nah, I didn't think so...


Philadelphia Eagles (-3) vs Dallas Cowboys

I get sick to my stomach whenever I pick the Eagles, but I get even sicker when I go against my instinct, and end up making the wrong pick...

Wait, then maybe I should pick against Philly, because my first thought was that I hate that city, all it's inhabitants (outside of a few crucial musical artists and a certain FX cast), their fake boxing hero, and the gristly meat wad they affecitonately call a "cheese steak". Right?

Nah. I hate the Cowboys too, and the Eagles are just the better team. Plus, for whatever reason, they're rolling right now...

So I'll stick with my gut, even though it's churning in agony at the same time it's telling me to make this pick. Quick, somebody say Donovan McNabb and I'll ralph all over the place...

hahaha...Ralph. Too funny. But no time for that now!...


San Fransisco 49ers (-4) vs Tennessee Titans

Here's this week's team that really "needs" to win this week. I know Mike Singletary isn't much for "moral victories", so expect his boys to follow up their near win with an actual won this week against the visiting Titans...

Oh and Vince, you might wanna put a shirt on...and start hanging out with chicks when you do have your shirt off. Not a bunch of sweaty dudes. Didn't you see what Aaron Rodgers was doing? Yeah, you wanna do more of that, and less sweaty man love and bizarre suicide attempts...

I'm just sayin'...


Indianapolis Colts (-9) vs Houston Texans

Geez, I guess I'm basically picking every game this week, huh? Lord knows this doesn't bode well. Either way, not passing up on this one...

After Peyton had his consecutive games with a TD streak snapped, expect him to bounce back big time with a huge week at home against the Texans. Houston's giving up 213 passing yards a game to mere mortals, so just imagine the type of damage Manning can do at the cozy confines of Lucas Oil Field or whatever the name of that place is. As mentioned a few graphs up, the Texans don't pressure the QB well, and that's a recipe for disaster when it comes to dealing with Mr. Manning. He's gonna sit back there and pick that team apart to the tune of 350 yards and 4 scores. I mean, just look at him. Look how rested he is. WE guys hate to admit it, but the gayer the pose you are resting in, usually the more comfortable you are. And look how gay that hick looks in that picture. I bet if you panned out you would see Leo DiCaprio setting up his paint set and whipping out a giant necklace for him to put on...

Homo-ness aside, I'm tempted to take the OVER 48 too. Matt Schaub and friends will be forced to air it out once they fall 21 down, making it a good bet, but that's for you to decide. It's a reasonable gamble, I just don't wanna press my luck any more than I already am. I got some crazy shit goin' on, and to add to that laundry list of pure insanity just doesn't seem like the wisest move right now...

On the other hand, here are some wacky picks sure to help round out your 6 game teaser. I highly recommend the KC/Jacksonville game. I like the chances of Jamaal Charles and Kolby Smith tearing it up in Larry Johnson's absence, and giving credence to that petition circulating to prevent LJ from playing again, and eliminating his chance to become KC's all time leading rusher. A fate right now that will be inevitable should be ever suit up again. He's a big tool, and I like it when big tool's get what's coming to them...

Come to think of it. Larry Johnson in a Browns uniform, standing next to Eric Mangini, might be the funniest thing ever. And if somehow JaMarcus Russell could come, and bring Darius HeywardBey with him, that would just be awesome. Ooo Ooo, and then we hire those pilots that fell asleep, and have them fly the team to Afghanistan for some sort of press thing...and yeah, you know where it goes from there. I know, terrorism is far from cool, but hey, a silver lining is a silver lining. Or in this case, a messy Brown lining...

Gross...

Kansas City Chiefs (+6.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars OVER 42

Arizona Cardinals @ Chicago Bears OVER 44

San Diego Chargers @ New York Giants OVER 47


Monday Night
Denver Broncos vs Pittsburgh Steelers UNDER 40

I'm kicking myself for picking the Broncos last week because, as I cited with the Niners, the Ravens were a solid team that really "needed" a win. But let's not dwell in the past...

This week, after suffering their first loss of the season, the Broncos welcome the Steelers to the Mile High city in a match up of the NFL's 1st and 6th ranked defenses. And while I normally preach points during Prime Time games (another pearl of wisdom passed down to me by those more experienced), this week I'm banking on a back and forth grudgefest. There should be a few big plays, because each team has some playmakers, but I expect for those to account for virtually all the scoring. Otherwise, get ready for a low relatively low scoring game, that comes right down to the wire...


Last Week: 7-7-1 (Top Picks: 4-4-0)

Overall: 66-52-3 (.558)

Top Picks: 29-29-2 (.500)

Lock of the Week: 7-1-0



It's the Saban Bowl, kids, and the only real question this week is not "if", but how many times during that game you see an ad for the film, The Blind Side. My guess is 6, with the 3rd time being the one where you acquiesce to the fact that you'd "do Sandra Bullock, even if she does look like a crappy blonde and her accent sucks"...

Other than that, there's a battle for Iowa's scraps in the Big 11 between the Buckeyes and Penn St., upset central in the Pac 10, and me continuing to pick correctly in every game this year involving the Indiana Hoosiers. Hey, Bob Knight might not love 'em anymore, but he liked to choke boys. Yeah...

Oh and I flip-flopped like crazy on the Houston/Tulsa and the Stanford/Oregon games, and we all know what that usually means. If I'm you, I take that into account. You know, for your own safety. And mostly so you don't end up getting choked out by Bobby Knight, because that makes a lot of sense in that situation...

Whatever, get your pick on, Saban lovers. And make sure the bus's speed never goes below 50 miles per hour. It's called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down". Or maybe for this week it can be "The Bus That Got 'Blind Sided' by Bobby Knight, Because He Was Busy Chokin' Some Kid Out When He Should Have Been Watching The Road"...

Yeah, I like the second one better, too. Really ties everything together...

NCAA Top 25 picks
Vanderbilt (+34)
vs (1) Florida

(2) Texas (-31) vs UCF

(3) Alabama (-7.5) vs (9) LSU

(4) Cincinnati (-17) vs UCONN

(5) Boise St. (-21) @ Louisiana Tech

(6) TCU (-24.5) @ San Diego St.

Stanford (+7) vs (7) Oregon

(8) Iowa (-16.5) vs Northwestern

(10) Georgia Tech (-16) vs Wake Forest

(11) Penn St. (-3.5) vs (15) Ohio St.

Arizona St. (+10) vs (12) USC

(13) Houston (-1) @ Tulsa

(14) Pittsburgh (-21.5) vs Syracuse

(16) Miami (-13.5) vs Virginia

(17) Utah (-27.5) vs New Mexico St.

Iowa St. (+7.5) vs (18) Oklahoma St.

Navy (+11) @ (19) Notre Dame

(20) Oklahoma (-5.5) @ Nebraska

(21) Arizona (-32) vs Washington St.

Oregon St. (+7.5) @ California

Indiana (+11) vs (24) Wisconsin

Wyoming (+13) vs (25) BYU


Last Week: 12-7-0

Overall: 80-50-3 (.613)

So there you have it kids, another wonderful week in the books and the promise of more to come in just a few days time. What more could you possibly ask for? There will be Sox/Yanks, I'll crank up the college hoops talk, and I might even have a yet to be named Rasheed Wallace update that will no doubt somehow involve either his missing patch of hair, or the fake leg he was weilding at a recent Chiefs game. Either way, it's gonna be hysterical, and as awlays, I hope it will be informative...

It's info-tainment, bitches!..

Have a great weekend...

Teddy Williams...
100...