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Thursday, June 25, 2009

1st and Ted...


While rumors continue to circulate that I've A) broken my computer, B) given up on blogging, or C) entered back into a Las Vegas rehab facility, I'm here to calm your nerves and end all suspicions...

To quote Bullet Tooth Tony in Snatch, "Whadya know? Still warm the blood that courses through my veins"...

I'm still here, strong as ever. To the dismay of many, but to the delight of those all important few. A few that's growing everyday, I might add...

But seeing as the summertime's got me swamped with Yankee games and jalapeno farming, I've had little time over the past few weeks to actually sit down and put all my wondrous thoughts down on virtual paper. From Phatty's latest choke job at the Open to Manny's return to the minors, there has been plenty for me to write about, just no time for me to do it...

Fear not. To again borrow a movie quote, this time from Homer Simpson, "I have devised the most eloquent solution"...

I started this blog several years ago to give handicapping tips to a lot of my friends who were degenerate football junkies. In essence, I was answering their questions on a weekly basis. Instead of them all asking me at different times, I figured I could kill all the birds with one stone by putting my "answers" online. Problem was, they would hardly read my picks, end up asking me in person anyway, and then proceed to go against what I said at least 75% of the time. But hey, thanks to them, I found a forum to write about the never ending battle that wages in my head, and whoever their bookie was, was able to pay his way through school. That's what we like to call a "win-lose-win" situation, with yours truly being one of the winners...

So next week, I'm taking it back to the roots. Next week, I'll be answering your questions...

I'll be returning sometime on Monday or Tuesday with a mailbag full of questions that address the latest happenings in the world of sports and pop culture. While the lack of comments my posts receive lead readers to believe that nobody is ever reading, I have precious Intraweb tools that are telling me otherwise. So, since people seem unwilling to pose questions to me in the virtual world, I'm taking it to the streets, and answering the very questions I get asked by friends and colleagues alike, multiple times a day. Maybe it didn't work with football picks back in my college days, but I figure it will have a littler more success this time around...




If you have a question you want answered, feel free to pass it on over the weekend, and I'll give a good think on whether or not to add it to my list. So far, topics include the aforementioned Manny and Phil, along with thoughts on...

*Dice K, Papi and the Sox
*NBA transactions
*LeShaq O'James and the best commercials ever
*Frosco: Life on Death Row
*the World Series of Poker
*Joe Buck's new show
*"That's What We Say"
*soccer & the US of A
*the saga that is my fantasy baseball team
*possible review of Public Enemies (if it rains all weekend, I bet I see it. At this rate, I like my chances)


Oh, and I'll also touch on whether or not Donte Stallworth actually ran down Ed McMahon in a lime green Bentley...





















That's right, kids. It's gonna be a regular 'ole 1st and Ten just like they have on ESPN's Cold Take. Except you won't be able to hear Dan Jacobsen's thighs rubbing together in the background, and you won't be seeing Skip Bayless squinting his eyes, wearing a blazer, and possibly chugging....is that Purel? Yeah. It's gonna be nothing like that at all, actually. Matter of fact, I'm fairly confident that not only will there NOT be any sanitizer chugging or chicks built like NFL linebackers, but there will actually be more than 10 questions...

(side note: are they ever going to pair him with a white person again? I don't watch much anymore, but Jemele Hill, the live Stu's, Scoop Jackson, that other black dude whose name I can't remember? Guess I should just be glad they aren't Woody Paige.)


So make sure you stop by, as I'm sure it's going to be a riotous good time for the whole family. Except kids and old people. They can't drive, they can't properly check themselves out at the grocery store, and to be completely honest, they're just a little slow on the uptick. Simply pit, they need not apply. Please. Only males aged 16-65, and females ages 18-28...

Except my mom and my sister. They can read because they love me. The rest of you will need to submit pictures first, and sports credentials that don't include a picture of you at a DuckBoat parade...

So again, if you have a question, feel free to submit. Either by email @ bferruccio@gmail.com, or even on Twitter where my username is RoochNation (my tweets are also streaming @ http://www.roochnation.com/) OR, as has been the case since I've started this thing, feel free to stop me on the street and bombard with with questions that I've already told you I will address...

Hey, it's what I do, and it's what I love...

Well that, and Reese's peanut butter...

...and that new Cherry Dr Pepper...

...and delicious Nathan's hot dogs...


Have a great weekend, kids...

100...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Tweetin' With Wheaton

To say the least, this past week has provided an ass load of story lines on which I could masterfully pontificate...





The Sox seeping the Yanks, Manny comparing his situation to "murder" and "rape", my near miss in the Belmont, Tim Donaghy getting shanked in the shower (or is it "shivved", I can never remember?), Ryan Leaf's pharmy addiction, the NBA Finals, or even my invention of the new reality show So You Think You Can Lance in which contestants are forced to have one testicle removed and spend a month in France riding a bike and listening exclusively to Sheryl Crow music...

Plenty of ammunition, to say the least...


But here at Rooch Nation, we, and by we I obviously mean me and the many demons that circle through my skull, we like to take time out every once in a while to do a little something different to help pique our readers' interest...



This week I took time out of my busy schedule to sit down and talk with one of the great actors of the 20th and 21st centuries, Wil Wheaton. You may remember Wil from such classic roles as Gordie Lachance in Stand By Me, or Danny in TVs The Last Prostitute, but what I was looking for when I sat down with Wil, was a bit of a glimpse at Wil Wheaton the man. Not the actor, but the man behind the actor, if you will...

Here's how it went. Take a read...

@wilw Hey Wil. Ever find yourself pronouncing your name like Stewie does on Family Guy? I know I sure do...And I loved you in Flubber...

@wilw And how is your handle on here not Wil Tweaton?


OK, so maybe it was really just me Tweeting Wil Wheaton, and him not responding, but I happened to get such a kick out of my one liners that I felt I had to double back and share them with you here...

Finally, I've found a legitimate use for Twitter! One-liner drive-by's on has-been celebrities!

Thank you Frosco, for introducing me to this marvelous device. And rest assured, loyal fans, I'll make sure to give you updates on when Wil actually does respond. Notice I said when and not if. As if he could keep himself away...


Oh and on a side note, if you still think my reverse karma doesn't control the action in this year's baseball season, take a gander at this...

Since I posted last week that Big Papi's decline might be here for good, and due to a decline in his roid intake, he's promptly gone out and hit .350 with 3 HR and 5 RBI...

It's all in good fun, though, as this week in Fantasy Baseball I've already had to deal with a catcher with 3 career stolen bases nabbing two bags in one game, and a light hitting SS with 3 career HRs hitting his first career grand slam (both guys have played over 250 career games)...

But you're right. I'm sure I'm just paranoid and being waaay too over analytical about the whole thing...

And if you believe that, I got a guy that wants to tell you about his stint in the Marines...


Have a good w(h)eekend, and I'll see you in the Tweetosphere. I'll be the one hangin' with Wil Wheaton, and by this time next week, most likely Alfonso Ribeiro, Ricky Schroeder and Mark Paul Gosselaar...
This is Jon and Kate + Ted, signing off...

100...

Friday, June 05, 2009

Papi Popped for Roidin' It Up?


Jose Canseco.

Just the name brings to mind so many vivid images and thoughts.

Roid Freak.

Gold Digger.

Opportunist.

Disgrace.

Scumbag.

Turncoat.

Savior?


Those are just a few that come to mind. And all justifiably so, I might add. After all, this is the guy that not only helped bring steroids into baseball's mainstream, but is now doing his very best to bring it to his knees with all of his expertise and first hand testimonials...


And what's so bizarre, so unique to this case, is that it's Canseco's apparent "lack" of credibility that makes him so credible. Well, that...and his track record. Face it. Like him or not, every single person this guy has named has subsequently been outed as a cheater. What's more, is that he's proven prolific at spotting roid-users, that he's even been able to finger guys that he never even had meaningful interaction with. Witness one Manny Ramirez.

But how did such a low-life obtain such credibility? Well, to put it as bluntly as I can, he's done it by becoming "The King of All Scumbags". Whether he's been ratting out his former teammates, appearing on the Surreal Life, writing various books or fighting Danny Bonaduce to the death, everything Canseco's done to this point has been 100% consistent with what a complete scumbag would to.

And what really ices the cake for me, is that no matter how dumb you think he is. No matter how grotesque you find his appearance, demeanor or intentions, the fact that he was the puppet master of the roid generation means when it comes to pointing out those who used, his words are as good as gold. I mean, come on. I've dealt with plenty of drug dealers in my day (as an interested observer and "undercover kid", of course), and one thing I've learned is that regardless of how high, drunk or spun out a dealer may seem, you best believe he's gonna have exactly ZERO trouble giving the cops a detailed account of all the names, places and numbers that could possibly be used to get them off the hook. And who better to point out the users, than the guy who's been dealing with clients of that particular product, right?


What does Chris Farley say in Tommy Boy? You can stick your head up a butcher's ass....well you get the point. The fact that Canseco was able to ascend if you will to the top of the roid throne, is what at the same time makes him reprehensible, yet deceptively credible. His motives might not be moral, but in a society that places greater weight on the dollar than the mind, I can't say I blame the guy for going for the money that he "needs". He thinks he was black balled from baseball, so by God I think he has the right to go after the game and it's players with whatever vengeance he chooses. Not the route I would chose, but I could totally see someone justifying that course of action...



But who cares, right? You're sittin' there sayin "Rooch, we all know Jose is a scumbag, and we also know he's always right when it comes to roids. Who cares!?"


Well I'll tell you who cares. And it's you when you hear the news that Jose has all but fingered David Ortiz. And not the back of the car in high school, rounding 3rd base type of fingered, either. This is the bad kind, with the potential for carer assassination and a very public fall from grace...


On today's (6/5) Big Show on WEEI, frequent co-host and contributor, Steve Burton of WBZ in Boston, relayed a conversation he had earlier in the week with Jose, someone he's worked with before and seems to have a decent relationship with. The topic of the conversation, was the decline of David Ortiz. Now while Canseco said he didn't want to go on WEEI, where he's had volatile run-ins in the past, he did answer a number of questions from Burton about whether or not he felt David Ortiz struggles were the result of him now being free of performance enhancing drugs. And what did Jose say, you ask? Well to hear Burton tell it, and he's someone who's knowledge on sports and journalistic diligence I greatly respect, Jose made 2 statements that would seem to doom Big Papi:


1) The #1 thing to "go" when you stop using PEDs, is balance

AND

2) Though he doesn't know Ortiz personally, if he had to guess he would say Ortiz has the look of someone who had been on steroids...


Conclusion: Jose doesn't have any evidence against Ortiz, but if he had to say one way or another, he would have no trouble labeling Ortiz a user.


Well Jose, my response to to that can be summed up by none other than Morgan Freeman from the movie Se7en, when he turns to Brad Pitt and says "For the first time, you and I are in total agreement."


Thanks, Morgan. Not only do you provide us with your soothing voice and great acting ability on a daily basis, but for today's intents and purposes, you've managed to accurately describe my feelings about the embattled Red Sox slugger.


Just like Jose, I don't know David Ortiz, either, but from what my eyes tell me, he seems to fit the bill. Balance? What balance? Hell Joey Votto in Cincinnati probably has Vertigo, and even he looks more comfortable up at the plate than Ortiz. Matter of fact it was the "loss of balance" comment that Canseco made that really inspired me to sit down and write. Jose knows roids, and if he says they can screw with your balance when you stop takin' them, then I believe it...


And much like Jose, while I don't know David, or have any proof that he used, his Brady Anderson like decline is making it pretty easy for him to start passing the "eye" test. I mean, seriously. If this guy doesn't play for the team you like, you would have labeled him a roider months ago. Fact...


Face it people, it's time to wake up.

It's not his stance, his ankle, his wrist, his eyes, his knee or his family life...It's roids. Or in this case, lack thereof. I know it's the panacea of choice these days when diagnosing a baseball player on the decline, but in this particular instance, I'm just not buying that this whole "slump" is some sort of big coincidence...


And what's worse, is that Ortiz isn't one of the "poor kids from the Dominican", and he would have been using roids just to further his career rather than to get his family out of the ghetto. A fine line, I know, but for me that's what separates the Miguel Tejada's and Sammy Sosa's from your Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez'. From what I can tell, if indeed Ortiz did use, he probably started doing so right after Twins manager Tom Kelly told him he needed to be a spray-gap type hitter, and right before he was signed as a free agent by the Boston Red Sox. His motivation was purely egotistical. He wanted to prove to people that he was an elite power hitter, and the only way for him to crack that ceiling was to cheat and use performance enhancing drugs...


To me, that's just disgusting. And if I'm right, and he's on that list of cheaters that Major League Baseball has in their possession, then he's gonna go down in history right next to Raffy Palmeiro as someone who was very loud in his denials, and very quiet with his exit from the game...


And allow me to make clear again, that in an ideal situation, a perfect world, I'd love to be wrong, and for Ortiz to just be hurt or in a slump, but I just don't see that as realistic.


When it comes to the world of steroids, I trust my gut and I trust Jose Canseco. Both of them are telling me that Ortiz is dirtier than an oil spill in the Charles River...


I think if you looked in your gut, you'd realize that you've already made the same conclusion...


A sad day? Yes

But to me it's even sadder that events like this have ceased being a surprise...

See you in the Tweet-o-sphere, kids...


AND DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER

100...


...oh and here are some "old school" bikini pics of Lindsay Lohan that I just found on the hard drive of the computer here at work. I hear she's not an insane druggie/lesbian anymore...so yeah...Sounds like she's due for the tasteful Playboy career resurrection piece if you ask me. And yes, I realize resurrection has "erection" in it, but I chose to be mature enough to ignore it. I suggest you do the same...



So lithe, busty and full of cocaine. What a combination...


again...100...