Friday, October 10, 2014

Week 6 Picks: UNDERwhelming

Well, I've got nothing to rant on this week. Not even to semi rant on. The baseball playoffs have been great, but they're about to be rained out for the weekend. So nothing there. And I'm all talked out when it comes to the NFL's stance (or lack there of) on domestic violence. Not to mention the fact that the NBA and the NHL are back on the menu. Which is great if you're a mouth breathing Ted, but does very little for me...

So, yeah. No hot takes on the current goings on. I've still got picks, though. And I'm actually starting to round into form. So we've got that goin' for us, which is great. And it's an "underdogs and underboobs" type of week, too. Which is especially great. Unless I've already oversold the theme (I have), in which case you'll probably just leave disappoinTed. Slightly more wealthy, perhaps. But definitely disappoinTed...

Meh, whatever. Let's get our collective pick on. By which I mean INHALE MY WISDOM WITH YOUR EYES THROUGH THE INTERWEB!...

And enjoy...

Week 6 Picks

Buffalo Bills (+3) vs New England Patriots

Goin' for the shock value, here. Because I already know I'm gonna skimp on the under-cleave. And because I actually think the Bills are going to win this game. That's right, Teds. Duffman stand-in Kyle Orton and the Buffalo freakin' Bills are gonna do the damn thing. Mostly because I was never letting that Cincy game serve as the litmus test for the Patriots. But mostly because this Buffalo team has already proven that they aren't the complete pushovers of year's past. They're not necessarily "good", but they're good enough to clip a less than vintage Patriots' team in front of what should be a very raucous crowd...

BILLS MAFIA, STAND UP!, but please sit down. I feel myself getting diabetes just looking at those hot dogs you keep stuck to the back of your neck...

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) @ Miami Dolphins + OVER 46

Speaking of stereotypically chunky fan bases that dip everything in cheese, the Packers are one of my top picks this week as they dip down to God's Waiting Room for a match up with the Miami Dolphins. Green Bay seems to have righted the ship after a shaky start, and that's bad news for pretty much everybody else in the league. This week, it's bad news for the Dolphins. Which should be fine by them, because they never seem to produce any real good news anyway. Seriously, though. The only times that team has held the headlines for more than a few hours since Marino left it were because Ricky Williams was high off his ass, and a couple of o-lineman went all Real Housewives in tearing apart their locker room. And I don't see that changing any time soon. Let alone this week...

Pittsburgh Steelers (+2) @ Cleveland Browns

Onto yet another tortured fan base, and I don't think the Browns' suffering ends this week either. Unless they win by 1 or 2, which is extremely likely considering all 4 of their games this year have been decided by 3 points or fewer. But Pittsburgh traditionally punishes Cleveland, and despite their recent struggles, I expected a renewed commitment to the run will help them extend that streak of dominance this Sunday. Oh, and if Pittsburgh doesn't renew that commitment, and they don't pull this one out, then I'll be picking against them every week from here on out until I lose. There, I said it...

Denver Broncos (-8.5) @ New York Jets

San Diego Chargers (-7) @ Oakland Raiders

I like to call these "Walter Sopchak" games. You know, because when you first look at them when you're filling out your weekly "card", your thought process more or less does like this:

"We've got the Jets and Raiders this week. Should be pushovers."

And they should be pushovers. Mark it 8, dude...and a half...and then 7?...Donny, please...


Seattle Seahawks (-8) vs Dallas Cowboys

When the Cowboys can effectively run the football, they one of the best offenses in the league. When they can't run the football, they have Tony Romo doing what you see above, but with very mixed results. I don't think they'll be able to run the ball in Seattle, and I don't like Romo's chances of suddenly becoming some sort of clutch decision/play maker. That is a big number, though. So in all honesty, I'd have to just advise you to stay away. Which you won't do, because you're all wanton degenerati. But that's OK. It's the wanton degenerati that make the world go round. And don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise...

New York Giants (+3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Rounding out the Sunday slate, I'm sticking with the Giants until they do me wrong. I mean, this has all the makings of a Philly statement blowout win. But so have pretty much all of Philly's games this year, and they've really yet to deliver. They're certainly good, just not as good as we all may have thought. Which is nobody's fault but our own...and maybe LeSean McCoy's...

Oh, and just a Teds up. I was the only person in my 8 person pick's league that didn't take Philly last week and that did take New York. So I'm going for the trifecta here. Probably the major reason I'm taking the Giants, actually. So there's that...

THERE they are! And with underboobs, come underdogs...because apparently I like every underdog this week that doesn't have a racist nickname. Even the Buccaneers and the Jaguars, for some reason...

Carolina Panthers (+7) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Jacksonville Jaguars (+6) @ Tennessee Titans + OVER 41.5

Minnesota Vikings (+1.5) vs Detroit Lions + OVER 43

Chicago Bears (+3) @ Atlanta Falcons

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3) vs Baltimore Ravens + OVER 43

Arizona Cardinals (-3.5) vs Washington Tedskins

Monday Night

St. Louis Rams (+3.5) vs San Francisco 49ers

Going with an underdog to finish up on Monday night, too. And this more or less relates back to that Philly/Giants situation. The Rams have been good to me, and everyone else has been picking against them. So win freakin' win! I also love this spot for them. At home and getting points against a Niners team that has mostly underwhelmed and has yet to play a real complete game...

Last Week: 10-7-0

Overall: 44-39-0 (.530)*

*includes Thursday night Twitter picks

Finishing up in the college ranks, and I can't help but take my Orange to cover that massive number at home against Florida St. They're gonna get blown out in their own joint, obviously. But, and stay with me for a sec...what if they didn't??? Right? Yeah. It could totally happen. I just wouldn't bet on it. Wait...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
Syracuse (+24.5) vs (1) Florida St.

(2) Auburn (-2.5)
 @ (3) Mississippi St.

(3) Mississippi (+2.5) @ (13) Texas A&M

(9) TCU (+9) @ (5) Baylor

(7) Alabama (-10) @ Arkansas

(10) Arizona (+2.5) vs USC

(11) Oklahoma (-14.5) vs Texas (Dallas)

(18) ULCA (+2.5) vs (12) Oregon

(23) Missouri (+3) vs (13) Georgia

(22) Georgia Tech (-2) vs Duke

(25) Stanford (-17) vs Washington St.

Last Week: 4-6-1

Overall: 20-20-1 (.500)

And that's it for me, Teds. I hope you found my advice useful and entertaining. OR, in failing that, maybe I provided you with some baseless affirmations. "Yeah, Rooch likes that pick too!" Which also works. Because as we all know, it's the wanton degenerati that make the world go round...or burn. I can never remember which...

Enjoy your weekend, friends. And I'll catch you next time...



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