Friday, October 25, 2013

Week 8 Picks: Things I PredicTed...

Things I predicTed last night:

1) The Cardinals would win a Game 2 in which the Red Sox would score fewer than 3 runs

2) Mike Tolbert would score a touchdown, while Steve Smith would underwhelm in the Panthers/Bucs game


3) The Carolina Panthers would cover the spread in a convincing fashion

The result? Wacha shut down the Sox, Tolbert was inexplicably and unexpecTedly named the Panther starting running back (was never discussed prior to the game) en route to his best game of the season AND the Panthers routed the Bucs in what will likely be Greg Schiano's final game as coach...

Now naturally, I only predicTed those things because they would almost exclusively screw me (minus the Panthers covering the spread) in my various ventures. But if there's one thing I've found I can successfully predict, it's when irregular things will happen to me in the face of nearly insurmountable odds. For instance, that whole Smith/Tolbert situation? I don't just own Steve Smith and I wasn't just playing against Mike Tolbert. I own Steve Smith on one team (only playing him due to injuries to both Wayne & Julio), and was playing against BOTH Smith and Tolbert on another. Meaning the only REAL way I could have a bad fantasy night would be if Smith under performed AND Tolbert had his best game of the season. Now you see? Yeah now you see...

So, what does this mean in terms of my picks? Not a whole lot, unfortunately. Because while I'm keenly aware of the power I possess, I've still yet to find a way to wield it to by benefit. Probably wouldn't hurt your thinking when reading my picks if you kept that in mind, though. Oh, and did I mention how Yahoo featured Mike Tolbert on their front page prior to his breakout game while last week they featured my guy, Jermichael Finley, who would only go on to suffer a likely career ending spinal injury? Yeah, no. I know nothing of what I speak...

So on that note, let's get to the picks...        

Week 8 Picks

New England Patriots (-7) vs Miami Dolphins + OVER 43.5

I've more or less given up on ever correctly predicting a Patriots game, which is why I've now moved on to adding OVER/UNDERs to the equation. I mean, why the Hell not? Misery loves company, right? Besides, Gronk is due for at least a couple touchdowns, isn't he? I'm fully expecting him to take a bite out of the ball when he finally reaches the end zone, too. And no, that's no hyperbole. Dude's gonna eat the bean. BOOK IT...

Detroit Lions (-3) vs Dallas Cowboys

If ever a stat hasn't sounded right, it's the one that has the Lions only having turned the ball over ONCE in the past 3 games. Yep, the same franchise that most of us still picture having a QB run out the back of the end zone is now apparently the model of offensive efficiency. GranTed, they're 1-2 in that stretch, but....OK I'll cut the shit. That stat is true, but I'm only rolling with this pick due to a tip from an incredibly savvy source of mine. I call him "Uncle Interweb", and while I've consulTed him before, this is the first time I've ever decided to blindly take one of his selections. I have no idea why he thinks a Lion team that just lost to Cincy at home is going to beat the Cowboys. But he's a sav, and that's gonna have to do for now...

New York Giants (+6) @ Philadelphia Eagles + UNDER 54

Here's where predicting your own fantasy demise can come in handy, and this one just seems way too easy. I mean, is there a Michael Vick owner out there who isn't expecting the oft injured wunderkind to limp off the field somewhere before the first half? Oh, right. Of course there are. And right now they're awkwardly high fiving each other in celebration of Tolbert's great performance last night. OMG YAHOO NAILED IT GUY!

Washington Tedskins (+13) @ Denver Broncos

Speaking of Yahoo doing it's best to nail me in the ane. They now have Roy Helu up on their front page as a savvy start in a week short on RBs. Just like they had Tolbert, last night. Needless to say, I'm starting Helu. So, yeah. I'll let you do the math on that one. AKA RIP Roy Helu. Hope you have your affairs in order...

Oakland Raiders (+3) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Uncle Interweb was a big fan of the Steelers over the Jets, last week. As was I. And that consensus worked out beautifully. And while he didn't say anything about the Raiders coming off their bye and laying the wood to Shattstown, I view this as a very similar spot. McFadden is back, and since he will probably only be healthy for a game or two, look for the Silver & Black to get while the gettin's good. Besides, the Steelers are beat. There's not a team north of Jacksonville that I'm spotting them points to on the road...

Here's the rest of the mess, including another game in London. Although I'm cool with this one, because it's like we're punishing the British by making them watch the Jaguars. That'll teach them to try and tax our tea. Elitist wig wearing bastards...

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) vs Atlanta Falcons + OVER 44.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-8) vs Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills (+12) @ New Orleans Saints

Jacksonville Jaguars (+16.5) vs San Francisco 49ers  (London)

Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5) vs New York Jets

Green Bay Packers (-9) @ Minnesota Vikings

Monday Night

Seattle Seahawks (-11) @ St. Louis Rams

You know your team is in a bad way when you have to call Brett Favre on the down low and see if he has enough time between cell phone photo shoots to run your offense. The St. Louis Rams are that team, and they are indeed in that bad way without the services of QB Sam Bradford. Would have loved to have seen Favre rush back in one week only to have been devoured by the Seahawks defense, though. Much more than I'm enjoying that oft putting picture of his face on Uma Thurman's body. It gets extra creepy when you realize that you just glanced down it's shirt, too. Freakin' Favre...

In all seriousness, though. What isn't be covered in all this Favre nonsense, is that the famed QB complained of memory loss in the same interview in which he discussed the rumors. Guess ESPN figured that's just not as entertaining an angle...

Last Week: 8-8-0

Overall: 53-52-5 (.505)

I'm not sure what Missouri's deal is, but they have NOTHING going on in terms of sexy coeds when it comes to Google Images. So much so that the guy pictured above was literally the best looking fan I could find! The rest of the results were a bunch of strippers from ASU and this GIF of Katherine Webb deep throating some sort of Big Mac. Step your game up, Mizzou. If you're gonna have a top 5 team, you're gonna need at least a few shots of topless chicks wearing Tiger shorts. OR at least a chick wearing a ripped jersey while suggestively bringing her finger to her mouth. Come on, now! Give me somethin' to work with!

NCAA Top 25 Picks 
(1) Alabama (-28) vs Tennessee

(2) Oregon (-22.5) vs (12) ULCA

Penn St. (+14.5) @ (4) Ohio St.

(5) Missouri (-3) vs (20) South Carolina

(8) Stanford (-4) @ Oregon St.

Maryland (+14) vs (9) Clemson

(17) Oklahoma (-7) vs (10) Texas Tech

(14) Texas A&M (-17) vs Vanderbilt

Iowa St. (+13) vs (19) Oklahoma St.

Minnesota (+10) vs (25) Nebraska

Last Week: 7-4-0

Overall: 32-31-3 (.508)

That's it for me, friends. Enjoy the World Series, and I'll catch you next week...



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