Friday, October 18, 2013

Week 7 Picks: Here's The Beef...

MOST WICKED EXCITING ALCS EVAHHHHH! It has been great, though. Great pitching, timely hitting. And I'd be saying that whether or not the Sox were taking a 3-2 lead back home, as that's just the type of purist Ted that I am. But thankfully, that's not the case. What is the case, is that I'll likely be missing game 6 and if necessary, a game 7, due to a wedding of a big New York Yankees fan! Freaking sons of bitches. Even when they beat that team they end up coming back to screw me. Whatever. If I know me, and I do, this will all probably be for the best. And by "for the best", I obviously mean that I'll end up with a great story about my own personal misery that's virtually guaranteed to entertain...

Freakin' Yankees. Oh, and I'll be missing the majority of these games I'm about to pick, too. So there's that. Let this serve as a reminder to you all that early October is not the most ideal time to throw a wedding. At last not if you don't want to end up feeling the wrath of a cellar dweller with too much free time on his hands. OR pretty much anyone from the south...or the likes baseball. Yeah, just don't do it. Get married in the Summer. Sure, it's hot as shit, and you'll likely end up sweating through your suit. But, whatever. Small price to pay. You know, for avoiding the wrath, and whatnot...

Bastards. Always ruinin' my well crafTed lifestyle. Well, whatever. Let's pick some games. Enjoy, Teds...

Week 7 Picks

New England Patriots (-4) @ New York Jets

The butt fumble really has nothing to do with the two teams that the rest of you are going to get see play on Sunday, but that doesn't mean it's still not one of the most hilariously appropriate moments in the history of sports. I mean, his head went right into the other guy's butt! That's never not funny...

Oh, and while this game should be close, I'm leaning Patriots with the number because of the alleged RETURN OF THE GRONK! WHERE'S THE BEEF?!?! THERE'S THE BEEF!!! No, but his return should help...

Chicago Bears (pick) @ Washington Tedskins

My Bears still aren't getting any respect. Which makes sense, because they're the Bears and they have a coach from the CFL. Not to mention that mercurial Marlboro Man, up there. Whatever. They're better than Washington. And while the Tedskins may reek of desperation to the point where they should probably win this game, I'm just not buying it. Which is kinda how my explanation sounded for my pick of the Colts over the Chargers last Monday night. So, you know. Grain of salt/you should probably do as I really say, not as I really do...

Carolina Panthers (-6) vs St. Louis Rams

Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5) vs Houston Texans

Just a couple of favorites that are likely to hang big numbers on their undermanned opponents. OK, St. Louis isn't undermanned. They're just not very good. But Case Keenum against the league's best defense? Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and lay those points...

Tennessee Titans (+4) vs San Francisco 49ers

San Diego Chargers (-7.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Did you know that teams are only 4-10-0 against the spread in games before they travel to London? I did, after I read that stat. And it's why I'm picking against the Niners and Jags. I mean, I probably wouldn't have needed much reason to pick against the Jags, anyway (they've only scored FIVE points at home!). But a trend with an extremely small sample size certainly helps boost the ole confidence. OR at the very least it gives me someone or something to blame when this all goes wrong. Much like I'm already blaming the trend-tards for last night's failed cover by the Arizona Cardinals...who almost ALWAYS cover at home against divisional opponents. Freakin' math...

Denver Broncos (-6.5) @ Indianapolis Colts

Jim Irsay is a huge Ted, and Peyton Manning is a pro's pro. And had Irsay not gone out of his way, this week, to say that he was "disappointed" with only one Super Bowl in with Peyton as his QB, I'd probably like his team to cover the points. But he did, so I don't. Because now he's virtually guaranteed that, if given the chance, Peyton and the Broncos will take the opportunity to run up the score. Not saying they're going to blow them out. I don't read that much into pre game smack talk. But I do think that it's just enough to have Peyton and friends want to add that extra, unnecessary score at the end that could very well end up result in them covering the number. And while it would be poetic justice for Manning to snap one last Manning-face up at Irsay after said score padding touchdown toss, I'm pretty sure class will ultimately win out. He is a pro's pro, after all...

Here's the rest of the slate. The "trends" also say that the Eagles are terrible ATS at home, and have beatgen teams that this season are only a grand total of 1-1. So, feel free to keep that in mind. Unless you've already found yourself stricken with Foles Fever OR determined that math is only for Teds like me that never like to trust their own instincts...

Atlanta Falcons (-7) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Detroit Lions (-2.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Miami Dolphins (-8) vs Buffalo Bills

Dallas Cowboys (+3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Green Bay Packers (-10) vs Cleveland Browns + UNDER 48

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) vs Baltimore Ravens

Monday Night

New York Giants (-3) vs Minnesota Vikings

Speaking of Manning Faces, the one above might be the new leader in the clubhouse. Seriously, though. You ever think that Eli Manning is like, Andy Kauffman or something? Like he's really some uber comedic genius that's just doing this all so that he can laugh at us while we laugh at him? Yeah, probably not. But I'd rather think that than continue leaving in a reality where a man that often makes Slingblade faces when faced with any sort of adversity...

Last Week: 9-5-1

Overall: 44-44-5 (.500)

Big doins in Death Valley, this weekend. Naturally, I'll be missing out on it due the aforementioned wedding. But I hear it's supposed to be good times. As for the coed in the Golden Gopher top and the oddly appealing plaid thong? Well, she somehow surfaced in a Google Image search for Florida St. fans. You know, because I was looking for that legendary shot of soon to be Brett Favre victim, Jenn Sterger, and her bevy of buxom beauties. That is a nice lookin' thong, though. Sort of a "sexy Thanksgiving" vibe goin' on. Just replace that apple that's tucked in the corner to create that "naughty schoolroom" atmosphere with a cornucopia, and you're good to go. Gobble gobble? Gobble gobble...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(3) Clemson (+3) vs (5) Florida St.

Mississippi (+6) vs (6) LSU

(24) Auburn (+14) @ ) Texas A&M

(9) UCLA (+5.5) @ (13) Stanford

Tennessee (+7.5) vs (11) South Carolina

(12) Baylor (-32) vs Iowa St.

(14) Missouri (+3.5) vs (22) Florida

West Virginia (+7) vs (16) Texas Tech

Arizona St. (-3) vs (20) Washington

(21) Oklahoma St. (-7) vs TCU

Illinois (+12.5) vs (25) Wisconsin

Last Week: 4-5-1

Overall: 25-27-3 (.482)

Enjoy games, friends. Because Lord knows I won't be able to. Freakin' Yankees fans...



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