Friday, October 04, 2013

Week 5 Picks: Dumpster Fires, Dude...

Here I was. All set to go on a rant on how too many people (mostly Teds, nerds and Grantland fanboys) were analyzing TV shows as if they were real things (like a sports team or player). And then Drew freaking Magary beat me to it with his weekly "Dick Joke Jambaroo". I was even going to try and tie in Bryan Cranston's beard and the fact that he's on the phone with the Red Sox and their quest for the World Series. But, whatever. When you're beaten to the punch by a segment called the "Dick Joke Jambaroo", it's probably a sign that you should just cut your losses and move on. And I say that with the utmost respect...

So this is me, moving on. Enjoy...

Week 5 Picks

New England Patriots (+1.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Losing Vince Wilfork hurts, there's no mistake about it. He's an elite player, and his presence will be sorely missed for the remainder of the year. That being said, just because there's a weakness doesn't mean that every team is going to be able to take advantage of it. Like the Bengals. Their offense just hasn't been sharp enough in the early going for really any defense to be scared of their potential. Home, away, Vince Wilfork, no Vince Wilfork. Cincy lacks the explosion to compete, and with Aqib Talib playing at an All Pro level and likely being locked up with AJ Green, they'll still probably have trouble finding ways to score. Even with the big man missing from the middle...

New Orleans Saints (pick) @ Chicago Bears

I've been high on the Bears all season, but the Saints appear to be the most complete team in the NFC. Hence why they're basically a 3 point favorite on the road while coming off of a short week. And while I'm weary of the inevitable Julius Peppers strip sack that leads to the announcers gushing about how good the Bears' D is at home, I'll still take my chances with an improved New Orleans defense, and an offensive unit that just appears to be finding it's stride...

"Yes, we'll be right near the In'N'Out burger..."
Kansas City Chiefs (-3) @ Tennessee Titans

I don't know about you, but every time I see Andy Reid talking to Alex Smith, I get visions of Walter talking to Donnie in the audience of the "what have you". Probably because I try to relate anything back to The Big Lebowski, whenever possible. But there's enough physical resemblance there with Reid, so I'm goin' with it...

You want a win? I can get you a win. Bunch of freakin' amateurs...

Denver Broncos (-7.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

To use the obvious cowboy pun, I'm going to ride the Broncos til the buck me. Hmm, guess that pun works with both teams, doesn't it? Bucking being a preferred term to describe a wild bronco, and what not. Whatever. Peyton Manning is a defensive rapist, and when he's done in Dallas on Sunday, the Cowboys d-backs will likely be searching for a support group. You know, one where they cry and talk about their feelings. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!!!!

New York Giants (-2) vs Philadelphia Eagles

I've been big into "dumpster fires" lately. Just such a great term to describe a team or a game that's a complete mess. Many thought that last night's Browns/Bills game was going to be one, but per usual, "they" were all wrong. This game is going to be the "Dumpster Fire Game of the Week". Which is why instead of attempting to analyze it I've merely left you with a few pic of Rihanna "twerking". Which apparently just means "dry humping". Whatever, at least she's not a 14 year old boy... #HeinousMantegna

Indianapolis Colts (+3) vs Seattle Seahawks

Here's my upset pick of the week. I know Seattle has the league's best defense, but I'm back to picking against them on the road. Especially as road favorites. Even if it would be amazingly appropriate for Pete Carroll to continue his winning ways while the bomb he helped detonate at USC continues to send aftershocks through the program (Lane Kiffin canned mid season, in case you missed it). It's just a freaking dumpster fire, over there. See? I don't even need to give you a link to the story, or supply you with any additional information when I use that term. "How is it over at USC? Oh, well it's as if a bunch of bums used a fast food dumpster as a toilet, and then said toilet was doused in gasoline and lit ablaze."

"Trash fire" is also acceptable, by the way. But seeing as the dumpster remains king of the trash receptacles, I find using that to really stick out as the preferred nomenclature...

And if you were wondering who brings a knife to a dumpster fire? Well, that would obviously be the one and only Raider fan. I mean, what could go wrong in hosting an NFL game in the Bay Area that starts later at night than any other game in previous history? Answer: Nothing a collapsible baton can't apparently take care of...

San Diego Chargers (-4.5) @ Oakland Raiders *OVER 2.5 post game stabbings

San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) vs Houston Texans

Green Bay Packers (-6.5) vs Detroit Lions

Carolina Panthers (-1.5) @ Arizona Cardinals

Baltimore Ravens (+3) @ Miami Dolphins

Jacksonville Jaguars (+11.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Monday Night

Atlanta Falcons (-9) vs New York Jets

That's Valentina. She's apparently a flesh farmer at Rick's Cabaret in New York City. She wrote Rex Ryan last month and asked him to please start Geno Smith. In the photo above, she seems to have been surprised by the presence of her ass. OR maybe she's just used to looking back there and seeing a Louisville slugger, a sweaty man hand or a decent chunk of the Minnesota Vikings' defense...

Last Week: 7-7-1

Overall: 27-32-4 (.460)

The winner of Baylor/West Virginia should get a trophy that's a bronzed burning coach. I don't care how modern Waco is, or how cosmopolitan the Baylor fan base allegedly is. I think of both of those fan bases as shine swilling hicks that light shit on fire when their team wins, and there's likely nothing that will ever change my uniformed critique. As for the collage above, those were the Google Image results for "West Virginia couch fire".  Needless to say, I searched for "West Virginia dumpster fire". But unfortunately the results weren't all that compelling. Like, there wasn't a readily available picture of Kevin Pittsnogle throwing a Molotov cocktail into a dumpster at Stuckey's. Which is always disappointing. So, in lieu of that, here's another gratuitous Rihanna shot. No twerking, this time. But it's still not Miley Cyrus. So there's always that...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(16) Northwestern (+7.5) vs (4) Ohio St.

(5) Stanford (-7) vs (15) Washington

(6) Georgia (-10.5) @ Tennessee

(25) Maryland (+15.5) @ (8) Florida St.

Mississippi St. (+9.5) vs (10) LSU

(11) Oklahoma (-10.5) vs TCU

(14) Miami (-5) vs Georgia Tech

West Virginia (+27.5) @ (17) Baylor

(18) Florida (-11) vs Arkansas

Minnesota (+20.5) @ (19) Michigan

(21) Oklahoma St. (-14) vs Kansas St.

Notre Dame (+6) vs (22) Arizona St.

Auburn (+2.5) vs (24) Mississippi

Last Week: 6-4-1

Overall: 16-14-2 (.531)

There you have it, friends. Hope you enjoyed my attempt to blend dumpster fires, The Big Lebowski, Rihanna's ass and some hopefully useful handicapping advice. And GO RED SOX! They're going to win, you know. And not just because "Tampa Bay" is actually Spanish for "strip malls and dumpster fires", either. But I won't pretend like that's not helping the cause...



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