Friday, September 27, 2013

Week 4 Picks: The Man Diaper Diaries...

You could try to convince me that the only reason the NFL sent the Steelers to London wasn't to get this picture. OMG BIG BEN & BIG BEN!! GET IT, GUYS?!? BAAAHAHAHAHA! But you probably wouldn't have much success. Much like I haven't been having much success at picking games, this year. Whatever. At least I'm not a huge Ted on a shitty team from a shitty city, sharing a nickname with a stupid clock. So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice. Unless of course there's a Bag Munman clock out there, somewhere. In which case I'd totally want my picture taken in front of it...

Week 4 Picks

Atlanta Falcons (-2) vs New England Patriots

I don't usually start with the Sunday Night game. But I do usually start with the Patriots. So here it is. And seeing as my aforementioned team has yet to do anything to suggest that they can beat a competent team on the road. I'll be taking said competent team and laying the 2 points. IT was refreshing, as a Pats fan, to finally see the offense start to click, last week. But the Falcons should provide more offense than any of the teams the Pats have merely been able to squeak by, and that in and of itself should serve as a major problem...

Chicago Bears (+2.5) @ Detroit Lions

I still don't quite understand why everyone isn't as high on the Bears as I am. And I definitely don't understand why the Bears don't think that Matt Forte is their best option when it comes to a goal line running back. I also don't understand why Justin Bieber, up there, is advertising for what looks like some sort of NBA sanctioned pre teen man diaper. But these are the decisions I leave up to the professionals. And by "professionals", I mean I could have easily made a "where is her Michael Bush?" joke. And by "her", I obviously mean Justin Bieber...

Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5) vs New York Giants

I predicTed last week that the Giants would fall hard, and they did. Which means this is probably a spot where I should take advantage of their now playing in a game with a spread that's likely inflaTed due to last week's embarrassing loss. But I won't. Instead, I'll just continue to root for Eli and the Giants to lose. Nothing personal. I even enjoyed watching him run around with his brothers in the backyard on all those home videos. And while I'm still of the opinion that the G-Men will eventually pull their patented rise from the dead in order to contend in the NFC East, I'm not of the belief that their comeback will come this week, on the road, and against a good team coming off a 10 day layoff...

On a side note, it's great to see meaningful football come to Kansas City, again. Easily one of the best venues of sports when the team is good when the fans are into it. Neither of which should be a problem come Sunday. People forget. Kansas City was Seattle before Seattle, in terms of loud stadiums. And their return to that perch can only mean good things for the TV viewing public...

Seattle Seahawks (-3) @ Houston Texans

Speaking of Seattle. I'm breaking a cardinal sin of mine by taking them as a road favorite, this week. But they've just proven too good to ignore no matter where they're playing. Even if they're playing against a talenTed Texans team that's in desperate need of a good showing after last weekend's beat down at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens...

See how I hedged, there? It was really quite beautiful, actually. And a sign that you should probably take the home team and the points if you know what's good for ya. So, yeah...

Denver Broncos (-10) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Rounding out my top picks for Sunday, I don't think there's any denying the machine that is the Denver Broncos. I also don't think there's any denying that Michael Vick will be seen limping on at least three separate occasions during this game. My only hope is that it doesn't become such a blowout that Vick is removed, and once again my fantasy fate will get determined by a running back allegedly losing a game of rock paper scissors during mop up time...

As for the rest of the lineup. I like the Ravens a lot, too. I just couldn't bring myself to write about a game that I wouldn't watch even if the only other thing on TV was a man diaper infomercial. Preferably one with a lot of "but wait, there's more!". With the more, of course, being glitter pens and rhinestones to help personalize your man diaper...

Baltimore Ravens (-3) @ Buffalo Bills

Cincinnati Bengals (-4) @ Cleveland Browns

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) vs Minnesota Vikings (London)

Arizona Cardinals (+3) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Indianapolis Colts (-8) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

New York Jets (+4) @ Tennessee Titans

Oakland Raiders (+3) vs Washington Tedskins

Dallas Cowboys (-2) @ San Diego Chargers

Monday Night

New Orleans Saints (-6)
vs Miami Dolphins

I respect the Dolphins, I really do. And I admire they're improvement. I just respect and admire the Saints a lot more when it comes to prime time games in their own building. Not only have I been burned too many times by their elevaTed home play from a handicapping standpoint. But this is New Orleans' first national showcase since the return of Sean Payton. And regardless of the opponent, I would filly expect them to come up guns blazing, and leave nothing in their wake (shouldn't hurt that Miami's Wake is dinged up, either) but scorched earth. OR scorched turf, as the case may be...

Last Week: 7-8-1

Overall: 20-25-3 (.448)


I'm always disappoinTed at the lack of photos of strippers wearing Miami gear that don't appear when I do my Google Image search. But Jaime Edmondson will have to do. And I was at least able to find a few flesh farmers wearing what appears to be the latest release from the aforementioned Bieber diaper line. I think those are actually called the "Bievers", though. You know, the line for slutty women who want to give the illusion that they're wearing very small protective cups...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(21) Ole Miss (+16.5) @ (1) Alabama

(4) Ohio St. (-7) vs (23) Wisconsin

Washington St. (+10.5) vs (5) Stanford

(6) LSU (+3.5) @ (9) Georgia

(8) Florida St. (-21) @ Boston College

(10) Texas A&M (-14) @ Arkansas

West Virginia (+21) vs (11) Oklahoma St.

(14) Oklahoma (-3) @ (22) Notre Dame

(15) Miami (-18) @ South Florida

(16) Washington (-9) vs Arizona

Hawaii (+18.5) vs (25) Fresno St.

Last Week: 2-3-0

Overall: 10-10-1 (.500)

Good luck, friends. And I'll catch you next week...