Greetings, fellow degenerates. It's that time again. That time where I make my picks, and you use my pseudo-knowledge to pad your wallets, and gain supremacy over your Teddish cohorts. And you'll probably want to beat your friends this week more than most, considering that Sunday's slate doesn't seem particularly entertaining. Which is my way of saying that outside of Pats/Jets and Cowboys/Giants, this weekend's match ups are more akin to one of those flaming trash receptacles that you keep hearing so much about (fingers crossed that I just guaranteed a week of close and exciting games). But that's not gonna deter me, and it shouldn't deter you. And I know it won't. Because, ya know. Degeneracy....
So take a gander, my damies. And good luck...
Week 7 Picks
New York Jets (+9) @ New England Patriots
The Patriots are better than the Jets. This we know. But they were also better than the Steelers, Colts, and Bills. None of whom they beat by more than 8 points. A fine line, I know. But that's the logic I'm using. That, and the fact that all of the Jets strengths seem to line up with many of the Patriots perceived weaknesses. Yep, it has all the trappings of a close rivalry game. And with the 9 points, there's even hope for a backdoor cover in case of a blowout. So there's that, too. Which is always nice...
Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) @ Tennessee Titans
The Tennessee Titans are like the Amy Schumer of this. If you like them this weekend against the Falcons, then there's a solid chance you're a simpleton with a penchant for rehashed and obvious vulgarity (What's the deal with penises OMG amirite?!?!)...and a soft spot for average looking girls next door...
And yes, I only threw that in to take a dig at Amy Schumer. She's not funny. OR, at the very least, she's not REMOTELY original (see: basically every female raunch comic ever). So act accordingly...
New York Giants (-3.5) vs Dallas Cowboys
Drew Magary nailed this one in his weekly Jambaroo, so I'll just borrow his brilliance:
"Somewhere in Eastern Europe, someone is flicking a random light switch that they believe does nothing but, in fact, exerts complete and total control over how well the Giants play football. Whenever Horst flicks it up, they look like a playoff team. But when Horst flicks it down? ELI DERP COUGHLIN HANDS ON HIPS."
Yep, I'd say that sums things up quite nicely...
Pittsburgh Steelers (-2) @ Kansas City Chiefs
Did you know that Landry Jones is white? No, no you didn't. You thought he was a black wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. But he is white! Which, by default, makes him a "blue collar" "gym rat" with "deceptive speed". And now he might get a start for the Steelers, after helping last weekend to lead them to an improbable win in relief. Good looks, whitey. Now let's see if you can't pull trick #2 in a hostile road environment against an anything but hostile opponent...
Carolina Panthers (-3.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles are like Amy Schumer. OH, wait. I already did that one. Well, whatever. Amy Schumer sucks. I even gave her standup on HBO a chance. Made it almost a full 4 minutes! And yes, you're not far off if you're categorizing my spite as pent up sexual energy. But just because I'd sleep with her, doesn't mean I'd be laughing at her jokes. Though we'd both probably take the opportunity to laugh at Sam Bradford post-coitus...
And here's the rest of the Sunday slate. I'd pay particular interest to that San Diego/Oakland game. Ya know, because the winner gets to move to Los Angeles. OR is that that the loser becomes property of the Tijuana drug cartel? Meh, I can never remember. Which is fine, because nobody cares...
Jacksonville Jaguars (+5.5) vs Buffalo Bills
Minnesota Vikings (-2.5) @ Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts (-4.5) vs New Orleans Saints
Cleveland Browns (+5.5) @ St. Louis Rams
Miami Dolphins (-4.5) vs Houston Texans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) @ Washington Tedskins
Oakland Raiders (+4) @ San Diego Chargers
Arizona Cardinals (-7.5) vs Baltimore Ravens + OVER 49.5
Rounding out this week's lineup, we have what should amount to John Harbaugh's last stand. OR last "stop", if you will. Ya know, before he's fired and he takes the head coaching job at USC...
Last Week: 6-6-1
Overall: 45-42-3 (.517)
As for this weekend's college action, I have Clemson going Clemson and Syracuse pulling the home upset against. The former due to history, and the latter because I will never pick a team from Shattsburgh against any team with which I have even the slightest of relations. And props to Syracuse for finally getting an acceptable coed shot into Google Images. Unless those are dudes. Oh dear Lord please don't let them be dudes...
NCAA Top 25 Picks
(3) Utah (+6.5) @ USC
Miami (+6.5) vs (6) Clemson
(8) Alabama (-15.5) vs Tennessee
Georgia Tech (+6) vs (9) Florida St.
(15) Texas A&M (+6.5) @ (24) Mississippi
Texas Tech (+15) @ (17) Oklahoma
(18) Memphis (-10.5) @ Tulsa
(19) Toledo (-14) vs UMASS
Virginia Tech (-2) vs (23) Duke
Syracuse (+7.5) vs (25) Pittsburgh
Last Week: 6-7-0
Overall: 34-31-1 (.523)
And there you have it, friends. I hope you find my picks useful, and my musings entertaining. And I'll catch you Teds next week...