Friday, January 02, 2015

Wild Card Picks: Givin' 'Em The Bird...

Hey there 2015! That's right, my friends. The new year is here, I've put my losing ways behind me (minus that 0-2 last night on the NCAA playoffs), and I'm ready to once again reclaim my place as the KING OF THE INTERWEB DEGENERATI! It will seem an impossible task at times, I'm sure. With long odds against, and many enemies standing in my way. But worst comes to worst I'll just summon some massive birds and they'll come and whisk me towards certain victory. You know, because I saw the last Hobbit last week (easily the worst of the trilogy). And now I'm more certain than ever that gigantic bird rescue is the most effective and dependable way to get yourself out of a jam. That and a magic ring. But invisibility is just a pipe dream, and birds are real. So I'm taking the birds...

So, yeah. New year, same Rooch. And I'll even have my college basketball rankings coming out in the next few weeks. So there's always that, too. Which is nice. That, and the flying birds. Because I'm sure I'll need them to come scoop up my ass come tournament time, too. But that's a magical landscape that I'll cross with a group of tiny men when I actually get there. For now, it's onto Wild Card Weekend. So let's see if we can't get 2015 going on the right financial note...


Wild Card Picks

Carolina Panthers (-6) vs Arizona Cardinals + UNDER 39

We'll start chronologically, since the Patriots aren't hear. You know, because they're way too good for this amatuer nonsense. And Cam's Panthers should prove much too good for the sputtering Cardinals. Carolina's peaking at the right time, having won 4 straight. And while nobody doubts Arizona's defense, you just can't figure they'll have enough offensive firepower to grab a win on the road. I'm also quite partial to the UNDER. Mostly because Ryan Lindley is God awful, but MOSTLY because of their last 8 combined games, 6 of them have checked in at 37 or below. That's the type of trend I love. If for nothing else, so that I can point to it in the aftermath of a 55-40 game and say SEE! SEE! And then I make a sad face...and probably kick something...

Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) @ Pittsburgh Steelers + OVER 44

Over in the AFC North, I'm a keep ringing that Bell until it cracks! You know, like that bell in that city that's famous for it's fictional boxers and cheez whizzed gristle. That's what happened, right? Paul Revere was pissed that his fantasy team was losing and he whacked that thing until it broke? OK, maybe that's not exactly how it went down. But I'm pretty sure that story's in the Bible. So you know it has to at least be mostly true...

...on second thought. Now that Bell has been ruled out, I'll grab the Ravens and the points. Especially since they'll be getting Haloti Ngata back. So there...

Indianapolis Colts (-3) vs Cincinnati Bengals + UNDER 50

Sunday kicks off with the Borderline Asperger's Bowl PresenTed by Dump Cakes. Which is what I would call this were it a socially insensitive college bowl game. I think I nailed it, personally. Though I don't think I'd want any part of that complimentary gift bag...

Dallas Cowboys (-7) vs Detroit Lions + OVER 48

And finally, we've got the perfect spot for the Cowboys to inexplicably lose at home. I can't make that pick, mind you. But how awesome would that be? Watching that ginger twist in the wind while he has his QB throw the ball 75 times because they happened to fall behind 7-0. Rumors of his replacement surfacing before the final gun. Pretty damn awesome, is my answer to that. But I just don't see it. Dallas has been shadily dependable this year, and that'll probably continue right up until they predictably lose their first road game...

...and THEN the ginger gets canned...

Last Week: 8-12-0

Overall: 142-147-3 (.491)

And there you have it, friends. I hope you found my advice useful. And if not, well then screw you. I'M TRYING MY BEST! And Happy 2015, my damies. I'll catch you next time...



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