Friday, January 30, 2015

Super Bowl Picks: Stop, Prop, and Bowl...

OK. So to recap the past two weeks. Tom Brady is sick. Marshawn Lynch is a Ted. And occasionally I've heard mention that we just might be in store for one of the best Super Bowls of all time. You know, because the actual game can be entertaining too. I mean, as long as you have some action on it...

Yep, it's time to save my suboptimal season with my super parlay. Which, in combination with my regular picks, and my daily fantasy lineups that are half rostered with Pro Bowlers, should truly help cement my status in the Degenerati Hall of Fame. And when asked how I want my bust to look? I'll tell the curator, "Just like Kate Upton's"...

It's gonna be super, friends. So don't forget to enjoy. And may my twisted wisdom help guide you and yours to a profitable weekend...

Super Bowl Pick

New England Patriots (-1) vs Seattle Seahawks + OVER 47.5

So, here we are. It's all come down to this. The two best teams, playing for all the Marb Reds. As it was intended. And yes, in the end my pick was heavily influenced by the fact that I am a Patriots' fan...

I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Take the ONE FREAKING POINT AND SELL MY SOUL?? Yeah, even I'm not that Ted. Sure, I picked Vermont to beat Syracuse in the NCAA Tournament while at Syracuse and haven't shut up about it since. But that was a younger Rooch. A brasher Rooch. A Rooch who actually profiTed from NCAA tournament pools. Hmmmmm. Yeah, I really liked that Rooch. Good dude. Could have stood to lose a few pounds, for sure. But I think he made up for that with the Bart Simpson blanket that served as his closet door. Yeah. Because that was a thing. And what a glorious thing it was...

But it's not just my bias that's leading me to my ultimate conclusions. I feel the Patriots will have great game plans for containing Russell Wilson, and selectively attack the vaunTed Seattle defense. And that will be the difference in what should be a hotly contested, back and forth game. I wish I knew what those gameplans were so I could elaborate further, but I don't. Probably somethin' about a linebacker spy and some sort of illegal Edel-pass, knowin' the Hoodie. Either way, that's why I give the Patriots the edge. Because game planning. And because it's always the shrewd move to base your logic on something immeasurable. That way, you can bend said logic so that you'll never be wrong! BOOM. Life. Figured. OUT!...

New England Patriots 27 Seattle Seahawks 23

Championship Picks: 0-3-1

'14-'15 season: 154-156-4 (.497)

All Time: 1268-899-71 (.582)

Now, it's onto the props. And the way you do these are, you put $20 on the MVP, and $20 on a parlay involving the rest of this crap. Then, wait 4-5 hours and REAP THE BENNIES!!!...

Oh and feel free to check out the Google Image results for "degenerate gambler". It'll make you feel good about humanity. OR really bad. Either way you'll be shaking your head in one way or another...

Super Props

Devin McCourty: 100 to 1

Larry Brown ('96). Dexter Jackson ('03). Malcolm Smith ('14)....DEVIN MCCOURTY!

Yep, for once that random DB is actually going to make your night as opposed to ruining it with his skinny jeans and popped collar. I'm thinkin' 2 picks with 1 going for 6 oughta do it...

Hoodie Color
Grey: (+120)

As this chart clearly indicates, the grey hoodie is the winner. He walks out in red, I'm gonna cut myself. OR someone else. Yeah, I'll just cut someone else...

Will Patriots convert a 4th down?
YES: (+135)

Because you know they'll be goin' for it at least once...

Average national price for a gallon of gas on Monday VS Russell Wilson's passing yardage?
Gas: (+17.5)

I just read on the Interwebz that gas prices are starting to slowly rise again. So I'll take the 17 points and the 3-5 I could possibly get by Monday morning. GranTed I made that 3-5 range up myself. But whatever. You're busy looking at Katy Perry's cleave right now, anyway...

Groundhog Day Parlay
Pats Win, Phil Sees Shadow: (+220)

In accordance with the karmic laws of the universe, Patriots' fans will be forced to suffer through a long and cold winter as payment for being able to be tough GUY KID CHAMPS AGAIN DYNASTY GUY for the foreseeable future...

Will Katy Perry show cleavage during her halftime performance?
YES: (-500)

Always bet on boobs. That's just day 1 stuff...

And there you have it, friends. I've got a new College Hoops Top 25 below, sans notes. Mostly because I'm responsibly lazy. But that's all that's fit to print on the BIG GAME, and I'm off to enjoy the final build up. I'll probably have some pizza, too. And hopefully some wings. But that's my business. Make yours checking out my Top 25 before you head out, and I'll catch you Teds next week...

College Hoops Top 25
1. Kentucky (20-0) 1

2. Virginia (19-0) 2

3. Gonzaga (21-1) 3

4. Arizona (19-2) 7

5. Notre Dame (20-2) 5

6. Duke (17-3) 4

7. Wisconsin (18-2) 6

8. North Carolina (17-4) 8

9. Louisville (17-3) 11

10. Wichita St. (19-2) 15

11. Kansas (17-3) 16

12. VCU (17-3) 10

13. Utah (16-4) 12

14. Villanova (18-2) 9

15. Providence College (16-5) 18

16. West Virginia (17-3) 17

17. Northern Iowa (19-2) 19

18. Iowa St. (15-4) 13

19. Baylor (15-5) 23

20. Ohio St. (17-5) NR

21. Arkansas (16-4) NR

22. Miami (14-6) NR

23. Texas (14-6) 14

24. Stanford (15-5) 25

25. Colorado St. (18-3) NR

just missed: San Diego St.; Oklahoma; Indiana; Maryland

dropped: (20) Indiana; (21) Maryland; (22) Oklahoma; (24) San Diego St.

What To Watch This Week
Oregon St. @ Arizona

Notre Dame @ Pitt
Wisconsin @ Iowa
Kansas St. @ Kansas
UNC @ Louisville
Wichita St. @ Northern Iowa
Texas @ Baylor
Duke @ Virginia
Oklahoma @ Oklahoma St.

Miami @ Florida St.

Virginia @ UNC
Iowa St. @ Kansas

Indiana @ Wisconsin
Georgia @ Kentucky
Louisville @ Miami
West Virginia @ Oklahoma

Oklahoma St. @ Texas
PC @ Georgetown

Gonzaga @ Santa Clara
Iowa @ Michigan
UCLA @ Stanford



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