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Friday, September 26, 2014

Week 4 Picks: Ted And The Spread...


Yeah, so Bill Simmons is still a holier than thou glory boy. The notorious Boston Bruins bandwagon jumper and resident smartest guy in the room ("I know. I'll name it after Grantland Rice, and then I can roll my eyes at everyone's ignorance when they pronounce it GRANT-LAND. Perfect!") has gone out of his way, yet again, to make himself the news by launching a profanity laced (and likely staged) tirade on his podcast, in which he calls Roger Goodell a liar (slander?) and dared his (Simmons) employer to suspend him. Which they promptly did, because that's how these staged PR stunts work. ESPN can't rip Goodell as much as they probably want to because of their dependence on the NFL's money. So they let Simmons do it, and then "punished" him (with pay) for it in a very public manner. AKA They creaTed a martyr for all of those that don't agree with ESPN to rally behind. A martyr that still happens to be a very key component in the success of their business. Basically, they're cutting off their nose to spite their own face, only to immediately turn around and get a nose job. So, yeah. Nothing has really happened, yet here we are still talking about it. Much to the delight of Ted Simmons and the boys over in Bristol...

And while I really don't like wasting my breath or time on a massive Ted who still doesn't realize he's become the "establishment" he made his career rallying against. And I realize that my talking about him is only justifying his blatant grab at some cheap headlines. I really can't help myself. Dude is such a fraud, and a few decent 30 for 30's aside, he's been nothing but a pompous d-bag whose only real skill seems to be that he's able to get people to admire him while at the same time talking down to them...

Now, am I jealous that he's been able to turn being a prick into a nice little empire? You're damn right I am. That's a pretty sweet gig. But that's not where this is coming from. This is coming from someone who's fed up with the way the sports/entertainment world is trending (not to mention fed up with the fact that all of this atrocious reporting/commentary has made it look like I'm defending Goodell. Which I'm most certainly not), and has decided to take any chance I can to cut down the Teds who are hashtagging this thing I love into oblivion. Even if it's only playing to my own sense of superiority and self satisfaction...

So, yeah. Bill Simmons is Ted #1, and I'm done ripping on him and his employer. At least for today. Unless they want to pay me to do so, only to then suspend me with pay. Because that would be awesome. Oh, and he's a liar. Because, you know. Apparently you don't need to provide any proof when you're hurling accusations. You just need to be bold and LOUD...

Speaking of being loud without providing any real facts, it's time for this week's picks! I righted the ship last week, and now there's no looking back! Unless of course there is any looking back. In which case I can just change my stance on the issue, and yell even LOUDER ABOUT MY LATEST HOT TAKE!!! Ahh, yes. America. What a freakin' country...

Enjoy, my damies...

Friday, September 19, 2014

Week 3 Picks: The Bad News Buffet...


"You only find out who was swimming naked when the tide rolls out."
That's one of my favorite quotes, right there. One I've heard attributed to legendary investor, Warren Buffett. Though I've also been told it's a reworked piece of scripture from the Bible. Now, I tend to think that everyone was swimming naked back in the Bible days, so I'm a little skeptical. And speaking of the Bible days, how terrible must it have been to go to the bathroom back then? Yeah, I'm imagining it was unpleasant at best. Probably bad enough to drive anyone to wish that they were left to die hanging from a piece of wood rather than having to put up with using your sand covered hand to cleanse digested goat chunks from your undoubtedly sand covered annus. Not sure why I felt the need to mention that, but here we are...

Well, disgusting and nonsensical segues aside. That quote really nails what's at the heart of this NFL domestic violence debacle. Which is the fact that the NFL (namely Roger Goodell) wasn't prepared for any of this, and is ill equipped to deal with anything other than blindly signing the multi-billion dollar TV deals that are carried to its doorstep. Case in point, this sketchy press release that tries to sound proactive, but is really just a smokescreen meant to put the public at ease while the league continues to weather the storm...
This guy gets it...

Yep, Commissioner Goodell and the powers that be were caught skinny dipping, and now they're left with their limp, and undoubtedly wrinkled dongs just flappin' in the breeze for all the world to see. And needless to say, the public hasn't particularly enjoyed the free show (we're notorious sticklers for unsoliciTed male nudity)...

Now, lucky for the pantless emperors, they still happen to be the only slangers in town that provide us with our drug of choice (pro football), and we're all too weak/apathetically indifferent to quit cold turkey. So they should still be able to ultimately brush this dirt off their collective shoulders (you KNOW you saw what I just did there, too), and continue raking in the cakes without any major impunity. At least for the foreseeable future...

But the infallible illusion that was "the shield" has been forever tarnished, and only time will tell if this is all a mere bump in the road to continued prosperity, or the start of a slippery slope that ends with the downfall of the NFL as we know it. I'd bet on the former, and you should too. As all of these bluffs disguised as ACTION! from their major sponsors should ultimately prove to be exactly that, and the public will quickly move on from feeling outraged, and move onto the next cause du jour. But hey, stranger things have happened. Like say, the rise of a generally complex and powerful culture that is still frighteningly unsure about how to react to the public beatings of it's women and children. So I suppose anything is possible...

Oh, and while you're betting on the demise of our society and it's principles, feel free to bet on a few actual games this weekend as well. I know I took it on the chin, last week. But considering I didn't take a tree branch to the junk from one of my parents, I figure I got off pretty easy. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Enjoy..

Friday, September 12, 2014

Week 2 Picks: When Push Comes to Shove...

"Forget the myths the media has created about the White House. The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand" 
That's "Deep Throat", the notorious Watergate mole from Woodward & Bernstein's 'All The President's Men'. And as was pointed out on Twitter, you can simply replace 'White House' with 'NFL' and it would rather eloquently sum up the Ray Rice/Roger Goodell debacle. A perfect storm of mismanagement and misunderstanding that has led to one of the most controversial stories in NFL history...

Friday, September 05, 2014

Week 1 Picks: Let's Roll...


Well, my friends. Are you ready to roll? Because the NFL season is already poppin' off. And if you follow my advice, you and your bankroll will be in pure ecstasy before the weekend is through...

And seeing those are all of the Molly puns I seem to be able to muster, let's get right down to business...

GLOWSTICK! GLOWSTICK! GLOWSTICK! GLOWSTICK!

Enjoy...