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Friday, November 21, 2014

Week 12 Picks: Orange You Glad There's Still Football?


Soooo my Orange looked terrible last night in getting beat down by Cal in their National TV debut. It happens. And it'll actually make their deep tourney run all that much better, because we'll have all of this growth to fondly reflect upon! At least that's what I've been telling myself since they went into halftime down by 12. And I'm gonna stick with it. This team has talent. I mean, they're no Kentucky. But they've got enough to get the job done...eventually. Just not right now. Unless they blow out Iowa this afternoon. In which case maybe. But probably not...

Yeah, the start of the college basketball season can make for some confusing times. Which is why it's great that we still have football to fall back on for some normalcy. Because as we all know, picking football games is easy and stress free...

And if you believe that, then I've got a Roger Goodell bobblehead that I'd love to show ya. Which is my attempt at a bad joke, because there's no way Goodell would ever be caught dead bobbing his head up and down in approval of ANYTHING!...

Enjoy...


Week 12 Picks

New England Patriots (-7) vs Detroit Lions

Per usual, we'll start our journey to fiscal fulfillment with my New England Patriots. And suffice it to say, I don't see the Detroit Lions slowing down the Brady Express. Which I'm thinking is one of those light rail trains. You know, the ones that travel at the speed of light? Unless I've been misinformed as to how those work. Either way, you can buy booze on board. Which is great. Though I tend to wonder if it's even physically possible to drink it while you travel. I also picture the train having gull wing doors. So there's that...


Arizona Cardinals (+6.5) @ Seattle Seahawks

Speaking of trains, I'm not getting off the Arizona train until it stops to fuel up with (presumably) Meth somewhere outside of Mesa. And even then I'll be getting right back on. I mean, a Meth fueled train sounds like a pretty good bet to be traveling really fast. It'll eventually crash and burn, and the precious cargo consisting of mostly old VCR parts and original Nintendo cartridges will be lost. But boy, will that make for one Hell of a GIF. And after all, we're all merely here to please the relentless master that is the Interweb. We bow to you, almighty Son of Gore. NOW LET US DO YOUR BIDDING!...

Yeesh. Speaking of Meth, am I right?...


Houston Texans (-2) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Oh, sick segue. Because tomorrow on ESPN, there's a 30 for 30 about this JJ Watt touchdown catch last week...right after Tim Tebow races a Meth train to determine once and for all whether or not God actually exists!! My money is on the Meth. And on JJ Watt. If for no other reason that I like saying his name as if I were a mid-stroke Chris Berman. "Jay. Jay. Waaahhhhhauuuhhhuuttttt!?!?"...


Cleveland Browns (+3) @ Atlanta Falcons

No Meth, here. Just STRAIGHT WEED, HOMIE! Yep, Josh Gordon is back. And I'm expecting BIG THINGS! Mostly because the Atlanta secondary is is suspect as all Hell. But mostly because I just love to watch this guy play, and I like seeing players that were suspended for some bull shit getting back to doing what it do. And that guy knows how to do what it do, make no mistake about it...


San Francisco 49ers (-9) vs Washington Tedskins

The Tedskins, on the other hand, have NO IDEA how to do what it do. They drafTed the wrong QB (Luck), they hired the wrong Gruden. And now their shit is gloriously imploding like some sort of derailed Meth train. So jump on board. Or off board? Yeah, it's like an "off the wagon" type of situation. What's on that wagon, anyway? Be pretty funny if it were Meth, wouldn't it? But it's too old of an expression for that. I bet it was a wagon carrying barrels full of THE MOLLY! GOAT-STICK. GOAT-STICK. GOAT-STICK. GOAT-STICK!...

No? Goat sticks instead of glow sticks? You know, because of the old timey-ness? Meh, whatever. Screw you guys...


Dallas Cowboys (-3) vs New York Giants

And screw the Giants, who you just KNOW are gonna shadily cover this number after playing like absolute ANE for most of the past few months. I just hope their journey through the backdoor will be a minor blip on the radar, rather than the capper to an already painfully disappointing day. OR as we in the bidness like to call it, a "Crapper". Because lude cleverness...


And here's the rest of the slate, where I take every road to team to cover for some reason. And have you seen the snow in Buffalo? Yeah, you've seen it. Meh, there's a picture of it, anyway...


New York Jets (+4.5) @ Buffalo Bills (Detroit on Monday @ 7 pm)

Cleveland Browns (+3) @ Atlanta Falcons

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+5.5) @ Chicago Bears

Jacksonville Jaguars (+14.5) @ Indianapolis Colts

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) @ Minnesota Vikings

Tennessee Titans (+11.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

St. Louis Rams (+4.5) @ San Diego Chargers

Miami Dolphins (+7) @ Denver Broncos


Monday Night

Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) @ New Orleans Saints

And rounding out the week, we have two of this season's most puzzling squads. And when in doubt, you take the puzzling squad that's getting the points and coming off the bye. So here we are. DON'T SCREW ME, FLACCID! You rattest of bastards...

And is it me, or does 'DON'T SCREW ME FLACCID' sound like the name of a Hole album? OR maybe Lindsay Lohan's memoirs? It's catchy, I'll give it that. Give it a beat you can dance to, and you've got yourself a hit!...


Last Week: 8-6-0

Overall: 88-91-0 (.492)


And over on the college side, I'm getting behind BC this week. I'm also picking them to cover the spread against Florida St. OH! No, but I heard Jameis Winston took the points, so I will as well. But FSU will still get the win. Which is good. Because the last thing that campus needs after falling victim to the latest school shooting is a bunch of drunk Teds flipping and burning cars in the aftermath of a sporting event...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(2) Oregon (-32) vs Colorado

Boston College (+17.5) @ (3) Florida St.

(6) Ohio St. (-33) vs Indiana

Arkansas (+3.5) vs (8) Ole Miss

(11) Michigan St. (-21.5) vs Rutgers

Iowa (+10) vs (16) Wisconsin

(15) Arizona (+4) @ (17) Utah

(9) UCLA (-3.5) vs (19) USC

Tennessee (-3) vs (20) Missouri

(24) Louisville (+3.5) @ Notre Dame

(25) Minnesota (+10) @ (23) Nebraska


Last Week: 5-5-0

Overall: 55-47-3 (.538)


And there you have it, Teds. Hope you enjoyed, and I'll catch you next time. OR you can catch me on Twitter (below), where I provide musings on everything from the legitimacy of Dump Cakes, to the Red Sox and the hot stove. And then I muse about what would happen to a Dump Cake if it were put on a hot stove. And then I boot...

Be good...
#BAGSMUNMAN

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