Friday, November 14, 2014

Week 11 Picks: FIX THE INTERNET!

So, Kim Kardashian attempted to "break the Internet" with her unique brand of "prosti-tainment". And Al Gore invented the Internet. Presumably through a series of acid flashbacks and a pile of old Atari parts. Knowing these things, I contacTed my good friend, Kevin Tomasso, and asked him if he could use his considerable skills to see if he could work up some photoshop magic with Al's head on Kim's body. And here are. And it's a glorious place to be, really. At the crossroads of creativity, friendship, and the porn collection of a transexual centaur. I just hope your brought a map. You know, so you can get the fuck out of here post haste the second that thing decides to show a global warming presentation on some sort of ass projector system. And that's projected on the ass, for those picturing some sort of raygun like "ass projector"...

So, yeah. That picture is great. My picks have been (relatively) great lately too! So let's get to those before a singing and dancing box of Milk Duds disappears between the cheeks of our friend up there in an attempt to suggest we grab a pre film snack. Because that would just be flat out weird...


Week 11 Picks

New England Patriots (+3) @ Indianapolis Colts

Yeah, so I'm not sure why the Patriots aren't favored in this game. And I'm even more confused by the fact that the spread has only gone UP (opened at +1.5) since action opened on Monday. Hmmmm, yeah. A shady spot to be sure. But that's OK. I like grabbing points in shady spots. As long as that shady spot doesn't also contain a walking and talking box of mutant movie candy...

No, but it's tough to ignore how thoroughly the Patriots have dominated the Colt's under Luck. Almost as tough as it would be to ignore how well the Patriots have been playing of late. So that's why I'mn taking them. Not because I'm a honk, and not because I received instructions to do so from some feces (pronounced "fessis") covered box of treats...

Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

In another of what should be an unusually strong (all be it top heavy) slate of games, I'm leaning on the Chiefs to hold serve despite essentially being viewed as an underdog in their own building. A building that, lest we forget, was once considered far and away the most difficult place to play in the NFL. You know, before this week's opponent took that title and went BEAST MODE with it...

Arizona Cardinals (-1.5) vs Detroit Lions

Speaking of that strong slate, these two teams are a combined 15-3. Yep, 15-3. The Lions and the Cardinals. It doesn't feel right, that's for sure. And neither does taking the Lions on the road. Then again, it doesn't feel all that great taking a team that's starting their backup QB, either. Meh, whatever. I'm all in on the fact that the Cardinals are still being undervalued from week to week. SO I'm just gonna continue rolling with that...

Minnesota Vikings (+3) @ Chicago Bears

Another trend I'm jumping behind, is how poorly the Bears have played at home (0-3). Hell, how about how poorly the Bears have just played in general? Yep, they're a mess. And facing a divisional opponent that's coming off 2 wins and a bye, doesn't figure to help clean up their kitchen. Even if said opponent has a QB named Ted, and is using their 3rd down passing back on nearly 50% of their offensive snaps...

Green Bay Packers (-5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Last week, I successfully predicTed that Mark Sanchez would find success with his Buttfumble Rebuttal. This week, I'm going to successfully predict a rather steep and ungracious fall back to earth, courtesy of Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. Mostly because the Packers are clickin', and traditionally play very well at home. But mostly because Sanchez really isn't all that good. You know, because Buttfumble...

And rounding out the Sunday slate, we've got these dumpster fires. I mean, I'm sure some of them will turn out to be entertaining games. But they pale in comparison to the match ups above. Kind of like Al Gore's face pales in comparison to that lubed up pile of silicon and cellulite on which it's perched...

Cleveland Browns (-3) vs Houston Texans

Denver Broncos (-9.5) vs St. Louis Rams

New Orleans Saints (-7) vs Cincinnati Bengals

New York Giants (+4) vs San Francisco 49ers

Washington Tedskins (-7) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Atlanta Falcons (+1.5) @ Carolina Panthers

Monday Night

Tennessee Titans (+6) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

And on Monday, we've got the longest combined last names for two starting quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. Mettenberger & Roethlisberger. Because that's important to know. And while I'd love to side with the Steelers, and bank on their explosive offense showing up in prime time. They've just been too inconsistent on the road. As was highlighTed by last weekend's epicly disastrous performance against Mikey Vick and the Jets...

Last Week: 9-5-0

Overall: 81-84-0 (.491)

That's Chris McCullough, up there. Syracuse's new freshman big man. The man whose performance will allegedly determine whether the Orange end up in the middle of the pack of the ACC, or make another unexpected run to the Final Four. A journey that starts tonight, against the mighty Kennesaw State. And one that I'll be chronicling closely in this very web space. SO keep your eyes peeled for that...

Oh, and here are some college football picks...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Mississippi St. (+8.5) @ (4) Alabama

(2) Florida St. (-1.5) @ Miami

(7) Arizona St. (-9.5) @ Oregon St.

(8) Ohio St. (-12) @ (25) Minnesota

Maryland (+12.5) vs (12) Michigan St.

(16) Georgia (-2.5) vs (9) Auburn

(11) Nebraska (+6.5) @ (22) Wisconsin

(24) Georgia Tech (+3) vs (18) Clemson

(20) LSU (+2.5) @ Arkansas

(23) Utah (+7.5) @ Stanford

(24) Texas A&M (-4) vs Missouri

Last Week: 5-6-0

Overall: 50-42-3 (.542)

And there you have it, friends. I hope you enjoyed my attempts to fix the Internet, as well as my attempts to fix my picks record. And I'll catch you next time. You know, unless I get sucked into the Milky Dud Way...

Be good...



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