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Friday, October 31, 2014

Week 9 Picks: Technology 'N Stuff...



Yeah, so sometimes we get into the habit of overcomplicating things. Like fatty, up there. Who, instead of utilizing the professional broadcaster that both his company and the sport they're partnered with had hired to do the actual broadcasting, decided that he'd try it himself despite being out of breath and on the verge of diabeetus. And as you can see, the results weren't good. Rikk Wilde (the Matt Foley impersonator in question, up there), bumbled all over himself, barely avoided heart failure, and used the term "technology and stuff" in order to describe his company's featured product...

Yeah, so the lesson here is leave it to the professionals...and to resist the urge to deep fry everything you eat in chocolate sauce and whiskey. OR, more importantly, the lesson is to keep things simple, and they should probably go according to plan. Something that I'm going to try with this week's picks in order to get myself back on track. Between trends, streaks, fancy analystics, and past successes and failures, I've been seeing too many trees and not enough forrest. OR maybe you'd prefer "too many chiefs, and not enough Tedskins"?...

Either way, it means I'm scaling back. I'll stop trying to outsmart myself, and stick with what are my first and most vivid instincts when it comes to picking a side. Will it work? Meh, probably not. And I don't like my chances of resisting the urge to give myself paralysis by analysis. But I'm gonna give it a go, anyway. Because when you overthink, you end up like our plump friend up there (who I'm presuming lives in a van down by the river). And I think we can all agree that's probably a good fate to avoid...

Oh, and props to the Giants, who aren't a dynasty. But only because we all regularly misuse that word. They're on a damn good run over the past 5 years, though. Maybe even an "era", more so than a run. And their manager sounds just like Lou Brown from Major League. So above all else they've got that goin' for them. Which is way better than being labeled a word that now merely serves as an easy talking point for the Teds at Cold Take...

OK, now onto the picks. Where I promise I didn't use any  fancy technology or stuff in order to come up with my selections. Well except for the computer...and the Interweb. Yeah, whatever. That dude's fat and he probably cough/chokes himself awake at night on a regular basis because of the fat man apnea he almost definitely has. AND I REFUSE TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!! Not literally, of course. I'd have to swallow a deep fried pony in order to get that fat. But, yeah. You get what I'm throwin' down. So now let's get to it...

Enjoy...


Week 9 Picks

New England Patriots (+3) vs Denver Broncos

Now, you'd think keeping it simple in this one would involve taking the best offense in the league against a banged up Patriots' defense. But naturally, you'd be wrong. And that's because, despite the "OMG what's gonna happen this time?!?" hype that almost always precedes these Brady/Manning match ups, the home team almost always holds serve. And that's what'll happen here. Not sure how, but that's not my job. And I'm just here to do my job, and nothing more. I'm guessing it'll have something to do with New England scoring the most points, though...


San Francisco 49ers (-9.5) vs St. Louis Rams

Cincinnati Bengals (-11) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

Now comes the real simplicity. Granted, the Bengals and Niners probably aren't exactly worthy of such lofty spreads. But the the Jaguars and Rams aren't exactly worthy of being NFL teams, either. And San Fran is coming off the bye, and is just 2 weeks removed from beating the Rams by 14 in St. Louis. So they've got that goin' for them, which I'm thinking should serve as a more than decent predictor of what we should see this weekend...


Kansas City Chiefs (-9.5) vs New York Jets

Cleveland Browns (-6.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Similar stuff going on here, with good teams hosting shitty ones. And while returns like those of  QB Michael Vick in New York, and RB Charles Sims in Tampa, should give their respective fanbases a little bit of hope. They're only really kidding themselves. I mean, I won't be surprised when the Bucs actually start showing some fight towards the end of the season. Because you know that's comin'. But I just don't see that upward trend starting so early, and almost definitely not on the road...


Arizona Cardinals (+4) @ Dallas Cowboys

Keeping it simple and sticking to the basics is something I refuse to believe that the Cowboys will continue to do. Especially now that they've finally faced some real adversity. Combine that with the fact that Dallas is coming off the short week, and the Cardinals are the most underrated team in the league. And here we are...


Houston Texans (+2.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Here we go. A classic trap spot, where hopefully keeping it simple will prevail. The simple part being able to avoid taking the sometimes sexy offense on the road when you just know that the home defense is going to get 'em loud and shut 'em down. The Texans should be able to selectively pick on that weak Eagles' secondary, too. Which certainly won't hurt either their cause or mine...


Pittsburgh Steelers (+1) vs Baltimore Ravens + OVER 48

OK, so taking the over in a traditionally low scoring rivalry probably isn't the safest and simplest bet. But I just couldn't resist. Mostly because the way that both of these teams have been slingin' the ball around the yard of late. But mostly because neither team can effectively defend any passing offense worth it's salts...

Meh, whatever. It's gonna be 13-10 and we all know it. But I can't just go cold turkey...unless you want to deep fry it in whiskey and chocolate sauce for me. In which case I'd be more than happy to embibe. Yep, that's right. I'm drinkin' it for some reason. And now I have to boot...


And then there are theses games. They don't get any analysis or clever puns. I did write "Tedskins" though. I think that's lkinda funny. Maybe not a pun, per say. But I certainly think it warrants a little chuckle...


Miami Dolphins (-1.5) vs San Diego Chargers

Washington Tedskins (+2.5) @ Minnesota Vikings

Oakland Raiders (+15) @ Seattle Seahawks


Monday Night

New York Giants (+3.5) vs Indianapolis Colts + OVER 48

OK, so I know I'm supposed to be keeping it simple and resisting the urge to paralyze myself through analysis. And my pick does reflect that philosophy. But that doesn't change the fact that I know that the Giants are going to go up at least 10-0 only to lose by 4 in the final minutes thanks to some patented Meathead Magic from one Andy Luck. Dude does it to me everytime in these spots, without fail. And I fully expect him to do again here in prime time. Which is why I've set up this nice win/win for myself by picking one way, but predicting another. See? Win freaking win! And there's nothing simpler than playing in a game where you can't lose...


Last Week: 6-10-0

Overall: 63-73-0 (.463)


And finishing up, we have the college picks. Where the last thing that I've ever been accused of is overanalyzing any of my selections. I pick a pretty coed, I slap her atop a smattering of spreads, and every year I come out a substantial winner. No stats, no trends, no technology, no stuff. Just a scantily clad girl, and a bunch of winners. Ahh yes. The simple things. It's right, what they say. About the best things in life being free. Except for the coed. You've gotta pay for her. I mean, she's gotta pay her tuition somehow, doesn't she? And by "tuition", I obviously mean Meth dealer/boyfriend. Her "Ice Pimp", if you will. And if you won't, I certainly won't be passing on the opportunity...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(4) Auburn (+2.5) @ (7) Mississippi

(5) Oergon (-8) vs Stanford

Navy (+15) vs (6) Notre Dame

(9) Georgia (-10) vs Florida

(20) West Virginia (+5.5) vs (10) TCU

(11) Kansas St. (-13) vs Oklahoma St.

(14) Arizona (+6) @ (25) UCLA

(18) Utah (+5.5) vs @ (15) Arizona St.

(17) Nebraska (-23) vs Purdue

Iowa St. (+15.5) vs (19) Oklahoma

(24) Duke (+4) @ Pittsburgh


Last Week: 7-3-1

Overall: 38-32-3 (.541)


And that's it for me, friends. Hope you enjoyed my simple approach, and here's to hoping it bares us some delicious fruit. Which we're gonna need after a weekend full of Halloween candy. You know, because you wanna avoid finding yourself in a pile of mini Snickers wrappers when you choke yourself awake from your national TV nightmare. Not that I'm talking about anyone imparticular. It's just that it's good to eat healthy once in a while...

OK, I'm gone. Happy Halloween, friends. And I'll catch you next time...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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