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Friday, October 03, 2014

Week 5 Picks: THIS IS THE END...unless it's not...


Yeah, so I'm not sure if you've heard. But Foxboro is burning. Or is it Foxborough? Hell, even I don't know and it's only about 15 miles down the road. But no matter how you choose to spell that rat bastard, it's safe to say that the football team that calls that hamlet home is going through a big of a quagmire (giggity!). And it's even safer to say that their poor play to start the season has the panties of their usually arrogant and self entitled fanbase in a collective wedgie that would require the jaws of life in order to provide any relief. An aTomic wedgie, if you will. And you will, because you just did...

But is this the beginning of the end for Tom Terrific and the Patriots' "dynasty", as many pundits, critics, and fans seem to be saying? Meh, damned if I know. I mean, their offense certainly looks the most stagnant that I can ever remember seeing it. But this is also the same organization that's been declared "past it's prime" over the past decade about as many times as it's appeared in the AFC title game. So, yeah. I'm not really sure. I know my eyes are telling me they aren't what we thought they'd be. But I also know that my mind is telling me that I've been wrong before, with seemingly just as much "evidence" as I'm working with today...

So, yeah. I wish I had an answer as to why the Patriots were playing like shit, and I wish I knew whether or not they were gonna turn it around. Could make a nice chunk of change, either way. But alas, I have no such answers. And I'm just along for this wild ride like the rest of you Teds. That's not blind faith in the "Patriot Way", mind you. It's just that in my personal experience, I never have a good handle on this team on a week to week basis. Especially when in comes to the first 4 or 5 games. History tells me they'll turn it around, but my eyes tell me otherwise. So, again. Here we are...

But, hey. Just because my home team happens to be playing like annus of late, doesn't mean we all have to suffer. Although if you insist on betting on individual games, that wild ride has probably long since caused you to lose your lunch. To which I say, it's time to BOOT AND RALLY! Which is my mid-nineties way of saying, it's time to get onto the picks...

Enjoy, my damies...  


Week 5 Picks

Cincinnati Bengals (-1) @ New England Patriots

So, will this be the game? The game that cements the Bengals as Super Bowl contenders and pushes the Patriots even further into the abyss? Nah. This game won't do either of those things. But I do like the well rested Bengals against my freshly battered Pats. Mostly because of the rest, the battering, and the perceived disparity in talent. But mostly because the Bengals biggest strength, their offensive line, is in a prime position to stifle the Pats defensive front. The only unit that's provided New England with even the slightest glimmers of hope through the first quarter of the season...

I'd obviously love to be wrong, and like last week, this serves as a "win-win" pick for me. But this seems like a classic case of two teams headed in opposite directions. And as an advisor to the degenerati, I couldn't in good faith suggest you pick anyone other than Cincinnati...


Detroit Lions (-7) vs Buffalo Bills

That's new Bills starter Kyle Orton, up there. Kyle Orton likes to drink. He also likes to beat the Lions, having gone 4-0 in 4 career starts. But that stat is some bull shit, and I think we all know it. I'm sure it's correct, and whatnot. But it's just a stupid stat to base a pick from. Like last week, when I picked against the Lions because their opponent, the Jets, were 17-2 against the spread in the 19 previous games that most mirrored their match up with Detroit. So, yeah. No dumb stats this week. I'll go back to them next week, after Orton somehow runs roughshod over a previously very stout Lion defense...

Freaking stats. They're enough to drive anyone to drink...and drink some more...and pose for some pictures...and attempt to grab some side boob...


Chicago Bears (+2.5) @ Carolina Panthers + OVER 45

Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) vs Baltimore Ravens + OVER 48

Next up, we have the 4 teams that have already made a cottage industry of destroying my betting card on a weekly basis. And since I figure misery loves company, and yadda yadda yadda, I'm throwing them all together in my super parlay LOCK OF THE WEEK! Except for the fact that I wouldn't parlay any of this nonsense, and you'd almost be better picking against me...

These freakin teams. Ooooooo. I'm Andy Luck. I'm gonna make sure, one way or another, via some crazy last second nonsense, that Rooch doesn't cover that numby! RAT. BASTARDS. Every last one of 'em...


San Diego Chargers (-6.5) vs New York Jets

Speaking of Teds that like to ruin my Sunday, few have been able to turn that trick more than Big Philly Styles. He's the rattest of bastards, there's no doubt. But there's also no doubt that his team is playing some of the best football in the league. That, combined with the fact that the Jets are a bad half away from installing Michael Vick as their quarterback, is all I need to lay that little number...

...though now that I'm thinking about it. That has to be on of those trap numbers, right? Oooo it better not be. Because if that serial seed spreader up there coughs one up to the lowly Jetropolitans, and sinks my slate YET AGAIN. Yeah. Not gonna be pumped...


Dallas Cowboys (-5.5) vs Houston Texans

"An all Texas Super Bowl. His will be done."

Those are the immortal words of Hank Hill, upon hearing that Houston was getting a professional football team. And while I don't envision that wishful thinking to come to fruition in the near future, I do like when these teams play each other. Mostly because it reminds me of King of the Hill. Just an epic program. One that they were never able to properly conclude, because of the hasty way in which it was cancelled. Somebody Kickstart that, already. So I can watch me some new episodes. OR at least some sort of 2 hour send off special. And yes, I know Brittany Murphy is dead (RIP). But that's why God invented computers. Unless that was Steve Jobs. Oh, wait. It was Steve Jobs that invented God. Yeah, NOW I got it...

But yeah. King of the Hill was/is great. And I like the Cowboys to continue running the bean and grab another win...


New York Giants (-3.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

This is a lot like that Pats/Bengals game, accept for the fact that the Falcons have actually shown some promise this year. Now they're rapidly regressing, because that's what they do. And then Roddy White and Steven Jackson will go down, and the season will fizzle out into another disappointing campaign. Because that's what happens. That won't happen this week, though. This week they'll just likely be victimized by the Giants d-line and unable to stop the resurgent G-Men on offense. Mostly because that Falcons can't seem to stop any team that's not able to get out of it's own way...

But hey, maybe this week they'll RISE UP! (nah, unlikely. I bet they get smoted like a stale Pall Mall)...


St. Louis Rams (+7.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

And now, we have the upset special of the week. GranTed, it's not a regular feature of my weekly picks. But maybe it should be. We'll see if this one works, and go from there...

My reasoning, sadly enough, is merely that this looks crazy enough to work. I mean, despite the best intentions and mounds of knowledge and experience, we're all wrong multiple times on a weekly basis. So why not this game, right? WHY NOT THIS GAME?!?!

That, and both of these teams have been playing in a lot of close games. So, yeah. It's not all just Teddish superstitions. It mostly is, though. So you'll probably wanna keep that in mind...



As for the rest of the Sunday slate, here you go. I'm not man enough to pick Bortles Service to grab his first win against the sputtering Steelers, but if you are, that could be a juicy spot. Kinda like that Teddy Bridgewater spot I told you about last week...and then didn't pick myself. So, yeah. Bortles Service...


Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

San Francisco 49ers (-6) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Denver Broncos (-7) vs Arizona Cardinals

Cleveland Browns (+2) @ Tennessee Titans

New Orleans Saints (-10) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Monday Night

Seattle Seahawks (-7) @ Washington Tedskins

Pete Carroll as a menacing robber baron will never stop being funny. He's everything Daniel Snyder wishes he could actually be. Including the fact that he's probably at least slightly racist. Because, ya know. Robber barons. They were all racist, because racism was acceptable back then. Unless I'm muddling my facts. In which case I deeply apologize to the dead Teds I may have posthumously offended...


Last Week: 5-8-0

Overall: 34-32-0 (.515)*

*includes Thursday Night Twitter picks


Finishing things up with the college slate, I'm again calling on some vintage coeds to help boost my record even further into the black. I always wonder what happens to these girls. They could be lawyers now, or doctors. OR they could be meth loving flesh farmers. And everything in between...

Ahh yes. America. And by America, I mean the south. Ahhh the south. Where the meth fueled midriff will always be king. Unless it's a lawyer, or something...


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(11) Mississippi (+6) vs (3) Alabama

(25) TCU (+5) vs (4) Oklahoma

(12) Mississippi St. (-1.5) vs (6) Texas A&M

(15) LSU (+8.5) @ (5) Auburn

(8) UCLA (-13) vs Utah

(9) Notre Dame (+3) vs (14) Stanford

(10) Michigan St. (-7) vs (19) Nebraska

(16) USC (-11.5) vs Arizona St.

(18) BYU (-20.5) vs Utah St.

Maryland (+8.5) vs (20) Ohio St.

(21) Oklahoma St. (-17) vs Iowa St.


Last Week: 4-3-0

Overall: 16-14-0 (.533)


And that's it for me, friends. Oh wait. No it's not. Watch some baseball this weekend, too. The playoffs have been great, so far. Though I'm still not a huge fan of this 1-game Wild Card system. But I don't hate it, either. So whatever. It's made for some good watchin'. And baseball had its 7th most viewed season EVER this year. So it's not dead. Which means you can watch it and still be cool. Which is great. Because there's nothing quite like some good ole fashioned social acceptance...

And now I'm really done. So go forth, young Teds, and enjoy yourself some weekend fun. I'll catch you next time...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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