Friday, September 26, 2014

Week 4 Picks: Ted And The Spread...

Yeah, so Bill Simmons is still a holier than thou glory boy. The notorious Boston Bruins bandwagon jumper and resident smartest guy in the room ("I know. I'll name it after Grantland Rice, and then I can roll my eyes at everyone's ignorance when they pronounce it GRANT-LAND. Perfect!") has gone out of his way, yet again, to make himself the news by launching a profanity laced (and likely staged) tirade on his podcast, in which he calls Roger Goodell a liar (slander?) and dared his (Simmons) employer to suspend him. Which they promptly did, because that's how these staged PR stunts work. ESPN can't rip Goodell as much as they probably want to because of their dependence on the NFL's money. So they let Simmons do it, and then "punished" him (with pay) for it in a very public manner. AKA They creaTed a martyr for all of those that don't agree with ESPN to rally behind. A martyr that still happens to be a very key component in the success of their business. Basically, they're cutting off their nose to spite their own face, only to immediately turn around and get a nose job. So, yeah. Nothing has really happened, yet here we are still talking about it. Much to the delight of Ted Simmons and the boys over in Bristol...

And while I really don't like wasting my breath or time on a massive Ted who still doesn't realize he's become the "establishment" he made his career rallying against. And I realize that my talking about him is only justifying his blatant grab at some cheap headlines. I really can't help myself. Dude is such a fraud, and a few decent 30 for 30's aside, he's been nothing but a pompous d-bag whose only real skill seems to be that he's able to get people to admire him while at the same time talking down to them...

Now, am I jealous that he's been able to turn being a prick into a nice little empire? You're damn right I am. That's a pretty sweet gig. But that's not where this is coming from. This is coming from someone who's fed up with the way the sports/entertainment world is trending (not to mention fed up with the fact that all of this atrocious reporting/commentary has made it look like I'm defending Goodell. Which I'm most certainly not), and has decided to take any chance I can to cut down the Teds who are hashtagging this thing I love into oblivion. Even if it's only playing to my own sense of superiority and self satisfaction...

So, yeah. Bill Simmons is Ted #1, and I'm done ripping on him and his employer. At least for today. Unless they want to pay me to do so, only to then suspend me with pay. Because that would be awesome. Oh, and he's a liar. Because, you know. Apparently you don't need to provide any proof when you're hurling accusations. You just need to be bold and LOUD...

Speaking of being loud without providing any real facts, it's time for this week's picks! I righted the ship last week, and now there's no looking back! Unless of course there is any looking back. In which case I can just change my stance on the issue, and yell even LOUDER ABOUT MY LATEST HOT TAKE!!! Ahh, yes. America. What a freakin' country...

Enjoy, my damies...

Week 4 Picks

Chicago Bears (+1.5) vs Green Bay Packers

The Bears keep getting points, so I'm going to keep taking them. Not entirely sure why they're still getting points after back to back prime time wins. But that's not my problem. Green Bay's o-line (much like New England's) is just too shaky to trust, right now. And it doesn't matter how elite your QB is if your offensive line isn't giving him enough time to do what it do...

Oh, and for those with decent memories. Yes, I just said that my 2 Super Bowl picks (NE + GB) have offensive lines so weak that it's severely crippled their once potent offenses, and will likely submarine their chances at said appearance. So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice...

San Diego Chargers (-13) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Next up, we have 2 cake walks in waiting. And who doesn't love delicious cake? Yeah, both Tampa and Jacksonville have been more or less getting epically smoked this season (as seen above), and I see no reason for that to change this week. They're big #s, I'll give you that. But if that bothers you, just don't bet this game. But DON'T simply take the underdog because you think the # is too big. Unless you know something I don't...

(Oh, and that's where you were supposed to finish reading that sentence and say "Bubbbe, I probably know a lot you don't". Because Snatch.)

Atlanta Falcons (-3) @ Minnesota Vikings

Much like Bortles V Bolts (Oh, did I not mention that Blake Bortles was starting for Jacksonville? Well he is.), this match up features a rookie QB making his first NFL start. And his name is TED, for crying out loud. Well OK, Teddy. But whatever. He'll always be Ted Bridgewater to me. And while I was tempTed to pick the rook to lead his scrappy squad to an emotionally charged win in his first chance at the helm, I just couldn't pull the trigger with that small of a spread. Atlanta's just been too good offensively, and Minnesota's just been too without Adrian Peterson. With him, they beat St. Louis 34-6. Without him, they're 0-2 and have been outscored 50-16. So, yeah. Ted Bridgewater. I'm guessing he probably won't be enough to entirely close that gap...

Philadelphia Eagles (+5.5) @ San Francisco 49ers

This one seems too easy, which is a dead giveaway that it won't go to script. But I'll give my spin anyway. Which is that no team has been as good as coming back this year as Philly, and no team has been as prolific at collapsing this year as San Francisco. That probably means that the Niners are going to score in the final minute or so in order to win by 6 or 7. Because that's what almost always happens to me in these spots. But I'm taking the points, anyway. Because screw you, Vegas. I'M ON TO YOUR FREAKING GAMES!!! I just refuse to play by your rules...or bet actual money. BECAUSE SCREW YOU, YOU LINE MAKING TEDS!...

Dallas Cowboys (+3) vs New Orleans Saints

See that? Tony Romo handing the ball off to Demarco Murray, arguably the league's best back? Yeah, well if the Cowboys can contain themselves amidst the Drew Brees Show, and actually commit to running the ball, then I really like their chances against a Saints team that's already 0-2 on the road. They'll probably end up throwing the ball 50 times, with Romo ultimately whizzing the game down his leg. But between getting spotted points at home, and the fact that they have commitTed to the run over the past 2 weeks (wins), they've officially made a sucker out of me. So here I am, saying the Cowboys will beat the Saints at home. Because apparently I haven't seen every Cowboys prime time game during the Tony Romo & Jason Garrett era...

As for the rest of this week's limiTed slate, here you are. Not much worth lookin' at, unless you're a fantasy football degenerate. Which we all are, so here you go. Get your degenerati on!...

Indianapolis Colts (-7.5) vs Tennessee Titans

Oakland Raiders (+4) vs Miami Dolphins (London)

New York Jets (+1.5) vs Detroit Lions

Carolina Panthers (+3.5) @ Baltimore Ravens

Buffalo Bills (+3) @ Houston Texans

Monday Night

Kansas City Chiefs (+4) vs New England Patriots

Oh yeah, and I'm picking against the Patriots. Mostly because they can't block anybody and the Chiefs almost always win at home when they get 4+ sacks. But mostly because I enjoy putting myself in win/win situations. And while I take pride in my picks, I'd much rather see the Patriots win. So, yeah. WIN FREAKIN WIN, BABY!...

Last week: 10-7-0

Overall: 28-25-0 (.528)

As for the college ranks, I figure there's no one better than the OBC up there to help get my collegiate karma in order. Although, I am currently the #1 ranked college football handicapper in Massachusetts AND Syracuse according to the Yahoo! College Pick 'Em game. That's right, bitches! I'm #1! And I have to get that in now, because there's about a 0% chance that it lasts even just one more week. So there it is. For one week, at one point in time, I was better than a bunch of other Teds at something that doesn't really matter. And to that I say, LIFE WELL SPENT!...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
NC St. (+19.5) vs (1) Florida St.

(6) Texas A&M (-8.5) vs Arkansas

Iowa St. (+22) vs (7) Baylor

(8) Notre Dame (-9.5) vs Syracuse (Meadowlands)

(13) South Carolina (-5) vs Missouri

Washington (+8) vs (16) Stanford

Cincinnati (+16) @ (22) Ohio St.

Last week: 5-3-0

Overall: 12-11-0 (.522)

And that's it for me, friends. Hope you were able to tolerate my Ted bashing, and found my picks to your liking. In failing that, I hope you found the pictures I posted colorful and complimentary. In failing that. Well, in failing that I've got nothin' for ya. And, just between us, you're probably asking too much of a blog written by someone currently wearing a 'Coen Bros Before Hoes' t-shirt. So that one's on you, friend...

But I still hope you have a great weekend, and I'll catch you next time...

Be good...



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