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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Yes, Cuban B!!!


Well? Did you heed my advice and slap together some questionably racist "Cuban B" gear to commemorate the Red Sox recent roster changes? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. But someone on the Interweb will, and the ensuing t-shirts should be sweeter than a free satchel from Mr. Nice Guy. Well, maybe not. But at least they will last a bit longer. Though not that much longer, if I know my Interweb novelty t-shirts. Which I most definitely do...

So I've got thoughts on that, along with some commentary on The Simpsons marathon, the Logan Mankins trade, and a few football futures bets to help get you primed for the upcoming season. If that sounds like your cup'O'tea, then read on, my damies. And if not, then I'm sure there's a dog photo out there that is in desperate need of your approval...

Ahh, yes. So many Interweb choices, yet so little time. Enjoy...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 58-74 (14 1/2 games out of AL Playoffs)
Last Week: 2-5

So, the Red Sox went out and got themselves a bonafide Cuban. Great, right? Meh, I mean I hope so. But I also have a nagging feeling that Boston just nagged themselves the Cuban Dice-K in recent signee, Rusney Castillo...

"Go Fidel yourself..."
Maybe it's because it seems like so long since the Red Sox did something right, in terms of free agency. OR maybe it's because Castillo is older than his Cuban counterparts (27), and hasn't played competitive baseball in about 18 months. Not to mention the fact that the reviews of his performance often fall short than that of Yasiel Puig or Jose Abreu (he projects to have less power, but more speed). Two other players that the Red Sox aggressively tried to sign once they made the journey over on the proverbial floating door (we all know they get shuttled over by drug dealers, and that the story of their journey will one day make for an instantly epic Argo-meets-Blow-like movie starring Chadwick Bozeman as EVERY CUBAN BASEBALL PLAYER EVER. But that's another (likely fantastic) story for another (likely very ordinary) day. One that probably involves a lof of guns and drugs. AKA the best kind of story.)...

But it's all about the direction the front office is taking right now, and acquiring as many assets as possible to help the team win sooner rather than later. And in terms of that, I like this move a lot. I mean, I'll like it a lot more if Castillo ends up making a similar impact as his fellow countrymen. But for now it's just good to see that the front office remains intent on collecting as many assets in possible heading into what should be a very active (and hopefully productive) offseason...


*Like any other respectable TV viewer born in the last half century, I'm a big fan of The Simpsons. So naturally, I've been tolerating the God awful advertisements for The League (really guys?) and partaking in FXX's attempt to make sure you actually locate their channel on your cable box. AKA The Every Simpsons Ever Marathon...

And while it's been a mostly entertaining experience, and I've enjoyed the stroll down memory lane. It's also become obvious that the show has never been the same since losing Conan O'Brien (writer) and Phil Hartman (RIP) in the mid to late 1990's. Conan having been responsible for some of the series' greatest episodes (Marge VS The Monorail, for one), and Hartman having voiced some of the show's most memorable characters (you may remember him as Troy McClure OR Lionel Hutz)...

It's more or less been a steady decline since then, but there's still no denying the imprint that the show has left on society. So give the marathon a look, if you haven't already. Though I must warn ya, they're already well into the 2000's. Right around the time I started tuning the show out. Even if admittedly it's been a little bit better in recent years...


*I was surprised to hear that the Patriots had traded All Pro guard Logan Mankins, which is to say I wasn't "shocked". He makes a lot of money for a guard, and he's coming off a season in which he was statistically the 2nd worst guard in the league (allowed 2nd most sacks). But his standing as a team leader, combined with the proximity to the start of the regular season, definitely makes it a surprising development...

Now, do I like the move? No, I don't. But that's because it's not my money. I understand the move, and that's all you can really hope to do. I'd like to think I would have bitten the bullet and carried Logan for at least another year. But I don't pay the bills. And if the Patriots don't want to spend to the max, then that's OK. So long as they keep putting a quality product on the field. Which I still have the utmost faith in them doing as long as Kraft, Belichick, and Brady are running the show...

Oh, and make no mistake. When I say it's not my money, it's important to remember that this isn't a "salary cap move". The Patriots are below the cap, and carrying Mankins obviously wouldn't have changed that fact. It could be a salary cap move in terms of freeing up money down the road for Revis...

But as of today it just looks like a budget cut for a team that felt like they were in position to make one without sacrificing the product on the field. Something that, as a fan, I'm more than willing to live with. You know, as long as the team continues to win.. And, hey. If he nets us a decent pass catching TE in Tim Wright? Well then I'm not against that either...

Oh, and be prepared for Tom Brady to eventually be dumped in a similar fashion. Not this season, obviously. But eventually, he's gonna be dumped just like Mankins, Seymour, and Milloy before him. they'll be no riding off into the sunset. No Rudy-like being carried off the field. Eventually, when the two sides are far apart enough on a renegotiation (as was the case with Mankins), Tommy Touchdown will be kicked to the curb. I'm not looking forward to it, by any stretch. But this latest transaction just reinforces that it's not going to be pretty when Tom's tenure ends. And that's as unfortunate as would probably be the prudent move...

It ain't show-friends, Teds. It's show-football. Or something. And sometimes that aspect of it sucks. You know, until that 15 seconds passes and you're onto something else. Like right now! Let's gamble!!


*Now, let's finish things up with some futures bets for the upcoming football seasons. A precursor, if you will, before next week's debut of my NFL and NCAA weekly picks...




NCAA Props
LSU RB Leonard Fournette: 33 to 1

Yes, he's a true freshman. And a true freshman has never won the Heisman. But, uhhh. Yeah. Did you watch the tape? Sure, guys like Jameis Winstons and Marcus Mariota would be safer bets. But Fournette is ready for prime time, and by all accounts will be given enough reps to keep himself in the conversation. The perfect combination for a high risk reward pick. Which is the only kind of pick worth making when it comes to futures bets. Unless of course you're betting millions of dollars at a time like some sort of illiterate boxer and/or serial woman beater...

National Champion
Georgia Bulldogs: 18 to 1

Michigan St. Spartans: 25 to 1

Along those same risk/reward lines, I like the odds being laid Georgia and Michigan St. to emerge from college football's first 4 team playoff. Georgia, because they have RB Todd Gurley (right) and don't have to play the SEC's best. And Michigan St., because the injury to Ohio St.'s Braxton Miller has kicked the door wide open in the B1G 10. Just good value, right there. Even if we all know that Georgia is going to inexplicably fall apart at some point because that's what they do...

Win Totals
Oklahoma Sooners: OVER 10 1/2

UCLA Bruins: OVER 9 1/2

Oregon Ducks: UNDER 10 1/2

I like Oklahoma and UCLA because of all the guys they're both bringing back. And I don't like Oregon because they're another year removed from Chip Kelley. He was the brains of the operation. And while a lot of his talent is still there, I tend to think the 10+ wins is more reflective of what Oregon has done as opposed to what they're going to do. I'm also high on the PAC 12 as a whole, so there's that too...

NFL Props


Win Totals
New England Patriots: OVER 11

Not sure what I'm looking at, up there. Probably some crazy song from the MTV, or somethin' But I like it. And I like the Patriots' chances of getting to 12 wins, too. Mostly because of those fools in the bike helmets...

Cleveland Browns: OVER 6 1/2

I'm not one of those guys that thinks John Football is going to come in and lead this team to the playoffs. But I am one of those guys that thinks this Cleveland defense is good enough to help this team to 7 wins...and then when they get that 7th win,
John Football will come and lead them to the PLAYOFFS!!! WOOO!!! MAKE THAT MONEY, JOHN!!!

Oh, and it wouldn't suck if the NFL eventually ruled on the eligibility of Josh Gordon. I mean, what the Hell is going on there? There's gotta be more to the story than we're being told. Then again, complete incompetence wouldn't exactly surprise me either. Not a good look, though. Taking so long to deal with a guy accused of smoking weed (and threatening to suspend him a full YEAR) when you readily gave a woman beater a mere 2 game suspension. Yeah, there's gotta be more to this then we're being told. OR, yeah. Incompetence/old man weed hating. IT'S A GATEWAY, BITCHES!!!

(inst-update: Gordon suspension was upheld. AKA Get to makin' the #FREEJOSHGORDON t-shirts, too)

Minnesota Vikings: OVER 6

The Vikings are another team I figure could make some noise, as long as Adrian Peterson stays healthy. I like Matt Cassel, and I think they have enough weapons to put some points on the board. Sure, having to play in the NFC North doesn't exactly help their cause. But there are surprise teams every season, and I don't see why a healthy Minnesota squad can't be one of those squads...

Atlanta Falcons: OVER 8 1/2

I also like Atlanta to bounce back, mostly due to their restored health. Between Roddy White, Julio Jones, Harry Douglas, and Devin Hester, their offense is just too potent to keep down. And in a league that's all about offense, that should continue to go a long way...


Dallas Cowboys: UNDER 7 1/2

And since I have to pick someone to go UNDER, I might as well pick the Cowboys. Mostly because I love to watch the world burn, but mostly because I hope their demise coincides with JOHN FOOTBALL MARCHING THE BROWNS INTO THE PLAYOFFS!! YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWW!!!


As for a Super Bowl pick, I'll go on the record as picking the Packers OVER the Patriots. I mean, why not? Sounds as good a choice as any. And besides, I'll be able to change it on a week to week basis without anyone ever remembering, anyway. GranTed, that's a double edged sword. But that's why granTed has the capital T. Because the Teds only remember if you lose, and never remember when you win. Freakin' Teds. They're the worst...while simultaneously being the best. Those rat bastards...


And that's it for me, friends. Full slate of picks coming next week, so be on the lookout for that. But otherwise, get out there and enjoy the rest of your summer. Because it apparently ends this weekend. Calendar be damned!!!

Be good, Teds...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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