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Tuesday, April 01, 2014

And Then There Were Four...OR Maybe Just Two...


Well, friends. We've reached the Final Four. And while I'm not exactly thrilled with the remaining match ups (mostly because only 1 of the 4 teams remaining (Florida) would, to me, represent a worthy National Champion), I've obviously still got some thoughts on the 4 remaining squads. In list form, naturally. And we've got baseball to talk about, too. But that'll have to wait until next week. Not like that sport is goin' anywhere, anyway. Am I right folks? Yeah, I'm right. At least more right than I was about this year's Final Four. But I've got excuses as to why that happened...

Enjoy...



Florida

Being my only "worthy" champion left in the field, the Gators have acted every bit the part on their way to North Texas. "North Texas" in itself being rather hilarious, as if Arlington isn't a recognizable enough city. I mean, it's not if they're home to a Major League Baseball team, or anything. But I digress...

The Gators still need to be considered the favorites to take it down for 3 important reasons:

1) They're the moist talented team left.

2) They're the deepest team left

AND

3) They're the most experienced team left

I'll just conveniently leave out that their last lost of the season (1 of only 2) was to their National Semifinal opponent, the Connecticut Huskies...

...and that their other loss is to their possible National Championship opponent, the Wisconsin Badgers. You know, because those facts don't help my argument. Just like any of those teams winning won't help my freakin' brackets. Rat bastards...


UCONN

KEMBA WALKER KEMBA WALKER KEMBA WALKER KEMBA WALKER!

Yeah, so apparently Shabazz Nappier is actually Kemba Walker. Because, I guess they all look alike? OK...

Great defense has gotten the Huskies this far, though. That, and ShaBemba's clutch shots. So they'll need that to remain their calling card if they have any hope of toppling the Gators for a 2nd time, and extending their improbable run...

And, yes. I'm calling him "ShaBemba" now. Mostly because I couldn't think of anything creative. And if you're wondering why I don't consider UCONN a worthy title holder. It's mostly because I'm a bitter Syracuse fan, but mostly because they didn't win their conference and were smacked out of their conference tournament. Shouldn't diminish the run for their fans, or anything like that. I just like it more when a team that was dominant (at least at times) during the regular season. And the inconsistent Huskies definitely weren't that. They're clicking at the right time, though. So I'll give that to those rat bastards...


Wisconsin

The Badgers would be next in line, in terms of worthiness. Behind Florida, that is. Though I might not be able to stomach a Wisconsin National Championship, based solely on the fact that nearly every person I've heard brag about taking Bo Ryan's group this far had done so due to the Badgers' legendarily good defense. Something that, as we discussed last week, just isn't the case with this year's crew. They're defense was good enough to get them here, but this year it's been their dangerously efficient offense that's carried the load...

But that's not to say you couldn't have legitimately picked Wisconsin to upend Arizona and claim this spot. That may have been a intellectually sound selection, on your part. You can answer that question for yourself rather simply, too. Just ask yourself: At any point over the last few days have you used the term "that big white guy can shoot!"? Because if you have, then you're probably a TedNeck. Or something. You're at the very least a Rat Badgerstard. Or not. Though I'm already liking that a lot more than ShaBemba. Though I'd imagine "Myyyyyyyy Sha-Bemba!" would be more fun to yell out during a game. You know, you start it when he goes up for the 3, and you hit the "Bemba!" right when it hits the bottom of the net...

But, yeah. Screw UCONN. And screw these guys, too...


Kentucky

And I'm not usually a Kentucky hater, either. Don't hate Calipari OR his tactics. Don't mind the usual brashness of their players. Hell, Tony Delk is still one of my favorite college players of all time! But this team, man. This team has too much NBA in them already! And it makes for a very boring brand of ball. Last second three pointers notwithstanding...

And it's the physicality, mostly. Or, more to the point. The selective physicality, and the penchant for using that reputation for being tough and athletic in order to get calls from the officials. A la virtually every freakin' player in the NBA. I mean, why else are guys like Julius Randle and the Harrison twins yelling in utter agony every time their bumped or nudged? To only then, on the next play, go crashing through an opponent on their way to the ball? Yeah, it's that classic "cake and eat it too" scenario. And they're knee deep in pastry right now in Lexington. They're swimmin' in the stuff in the NBA, too. Which is why all of these guys should fit in quite nicely next year when they're getting minimal run on the bench of a cellar dweller...

And that's the root of it. Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Those kids were just as dominant, but didn't play nearly as boring a style with so much of the "1-on-1 wait til the clock winds down and either throw my body at someone or hoist a prayer" type shit. I mean, if it works, it works. And they should stick with it. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. And even aided by another amazing shot in the final seconds, I doubt I'll enjoy any game with this Kentucky squad any more than I would were it virtually any other top tier opponent...


So, all that being said. Who am I going to pick? Well, I'm going with anyone that's not UCONN or Kentucky. Mostly because I can't stand those fan bases getting what they want, but mostly because the purist in me wants a more deserving team to take it down. And if you believe that, then I've got a couch in Kentucky that I'd like to sell you...it's been burned, in case you were wondering. And it was probably used as a Meth safe before the fire, too. So, yeah. In case that "bridge in Brooklyn" metaphor didn't hit home. And Meth. You know, because Kentucky. If I had wanted to hustle a UCONN supporter I would have just sold them tickets to the regional final at MSG...

Enjoy the Final Four, friends. I'll be back next week to recap, and then we'll talk some baseball. Probably a few more jokes about Meth, too. Even though heroin now seems to be the Ted drug de jour. But that's next week. Oh, and if you want to keep track of my Final Four picks against the spread (went 8-2-2 through the Sweet 16 & Elite 8), then peep the link below. That brings you to "The Twitter". And if you're not on the Twitter, well then you're just a big twit. OH! No, but seriously. Join the rest of the informed world, already. And the hilarious shut ins. They're there, too. It's a scene, man. So get on board, already...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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