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Friday, January 03, 2014

Wild Card Weekend: Let's All Go To The Playoffs...


So I've seen a few new movies. Which means I'll need to tell you about them. So here you go...


The Wolf of Wall St.

You know how people try to sync up songs to movies? Like Pink Floyd and The Wizrad of Oz, or whatever that was? Well, yeah. This latest from Leo and Marty is like someone tried doing that with Goodfellas and a Charlie Sheen homemade porno. Some great scenes, including one particularly epic one. And a lot of hot naked chicks. But the thing was just way too long to really be all that good. Every scene seemed to go on a least 10% too long, and that really dragged down what should have been a fast paced flick...

Translation: Don't go see it. Watch it when it comes out on HBO, if you must. But even if you don't, you really won't be missing much. That's just the unfortunate truth. And while I'd stop short of saying that Leo and Marty should never work together again, I think it's become apparent that whatever magic they had is at least beginning to wane...


American Hustle

Wasn't planning on seeing this, but thanks to a free ticket I decided to give it a go. Result? Meh. probably a little better than I thought it would be. But it was more run of the mill than the hyped cast and flashy costumes would tend to suggest. For instance, Christian Bale's character looks like a really crazy guy who's probably really eccentric and bizarre, right? Yeah, not so much. His acting was great, don't get me wrong. But again, the characters just weren't as interesting as you are led to believe...

The major take away for me, though. Aside from that fact that I think Amy Adam's cleavage should be nominated for an Oscar based on it's prominent role (she's extremely sexy in this, despite her oft putting British accent). Was that I just can't wrap me head around the appeal of Jennifer Lawrence. She's obviously pretty enough, being a professional actress and whatnot. But I've yet to see anything that can convince me that she could actually act her way out of a wet paper bag. maybe I'm
just missing it, I don't know. But this was yet another underwhelming performance from Hollywood's flavor of the month. I'll just chalk it up to different strokes for different folks, and whatnot. But if you can't shine as a member of such a stellar cast, I can't say I love your chances of ever bringing me over to your side...

Ultimately, I'd recommend going to see this. It's funny enough, interesting enough, and it has enough gratuitous side boob to make up for any other shortcomings. No, seriously. EVERY outfit Amy Adams wears is bra free with a neck line that plunges to just inches from her hoo-ha, and she and Bradley Cooper engage in some very aggressive grouping and/or petting. So if that's your thing, you'll be pumped. I know it was certainly working for me. Even if it was grinding my gears a little knowing that, much like Cooper in the film, I'd never be able to bed that vixen myself. Which I'll get over once I see her in another one of her more homely roles. Then, I'll be back on Kate Upton and the more usual suspects...

Oh, and Shea Whigam of Boardwalk Empire fame had a small, shady role in each of this movies, too. So there's that. Thankfully, you don't see his side boob. Although it wouldn't surprise me if it made a cameo appearance as Leo's coke mirror in the Wolf of Wall St. director's cut. Damn yo, your titty!...

Now, on to the picks!

Wild Card Picks

Indianapolis Colts (-2.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs + OVER 46

(speaking of side boobs) Andy Reid's 10-9 playoff record is such a mixed bag. On the one hand, it means he's led his 10th team to the playoffs. On the other hand, he's only averaging 1 win per trip. Mostly with teams that have been expected to win many more. But that really didn't factor into my taking Indianapolis. I just wanted to make sure I pointed out that the future star of every Missouri area diabetes commercial and his teams don't tend to live up to the hype. In reality, I see these as two teams trending in opposite directions. Therefore, the nod goes to the Colts, and NOT Fatty McChokeStashe and his band of less than merry men...


Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) vs New Orleans Saints

Over in Reid's old stomping grounds, I'll again ride the hot hand and take Philly outdoors over a arguably more talented Saints team that often seems inept on the road. And that's more or less my entire thinking. Summed it up quite nicely, didn't I? See, Marty? Leo? Sometimes something doesn't need to be 3 hours long just to be helpful and/or entertaining. Then again, you're both getting millions and I'm getting milk money. Matter of fact, if I can't figure out what shady things are going on between Google and GoDaddy then I might even lose my domain in 3 days! Ahhhhh! Freakin' Interweb. Teacher! Lover! Secret lover...


Cincinnati Bengals (-7) vs San Diego Chargers + OVER 46

I was torn on this one, but only for a second. Mostly because I said before the playoffs started that the team that got in the shadiest way was definitely going to win at least one game. And there's no doubt that the Chargers got in via the shadiest shit. But the Bengals have just been too dominantly consistent in their own joint. That, and I predicted that they would play the Sehawks in the Super Bowl. You know, right before they got blown out by the Steelers...


San Francisco 49ers (-2.5) @ Green Bay Packers

And in the final game, I actually was torn for quite some time. Not because I really like Green Bay to win, or that I think the cold will actually play a significant role. But mostly because this one figures to be close. The Niners are definitely the better team, but especially after last week's performance, I can't expect Rodgers and company to go quietly in to the brisk Wisconsin night. I'm just guessing they won't be loud enough to win their way to within 2 points...


Last Week: 9-9-1

Overall: 143-124-10 (.534)


And since I'm not quite ready to post my first college hoops 25 of the new year (ext week), here are some BCS picks to help stem the tide. Full disclosure, I'm only 4-3 in picking 10+ point favorites to win STRAIGHT UP in my bowl pool (yes, you read that right). But you can take solace in the fact that I would have had Duke, Oklahoma and UCF against the number. Which is meaningless, because I'm saying it in hindsight. But it's definitely as true as it is a thing I just said. Oh, and I threw in a picture of Nina Agdal because she's Ms. January in my 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar. She's also a 21 year old Danish, which means you can make crude pastry and breakfast jokes about what you'd like to do to her. Really a win/win, if you ask me...

BCS Picks
(2) Auburn (+8) vs (1) Florida St.

(12) Clemson (+3) vs (7) Ohio St.

(9) Missouri (-1) vs (13) Oklahoma St.


2013 Season: 70-60-4 (.537)


#BAGSMUNMAN

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