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Friday, January 17, 2014

Conference Championship Picks: You've Probably Never Heard of Them...


If a fan base could be compared to an area of the country other than the one from which it actually hails, I think there's no doubt that the New England Patriots' fans would be the borough of Brooklyn, New York. They're entitled, arrogant, have a penchant for pea coats and woolen scarves. Just like the elite strain of thick rimmed hipsters that have become so synonymous with Brooklyn, and helped turn it into a place that would make Biggie Smalls turn over in his grave. Ya know, if he were actually dead...

So, in part because of that, but mostly because the good folks over at Kissing Suzy Kolber posted hipster versions of every NFL team's logo and got me off on this tangent, I decided to go with a somewhat hipster theme with this week's picks. I won't try too hard with the theme, because I don't want to give the illusion that I actually care. But in reality, I care more than you do and I'd tell you all about it if given the just the slightest opportunity. I'd also frequently use the phrase "you've probably never heard of..." just to make sure you knew, as if there were any doubt, that I have a far superior and more worldly intellect...

But, yeah. I just like the logos. And mostly, I like PBR. So here we are. Now let's get to these games. Ya know, before zombie Biggie shows up. And speaking of Biggie. You don't even know Biggie until you've listened to his underground vinyl stuff that he recorded in the bathroom of Grandmaster Flash's sister's friends apartment. Oh, but right. You've probably never heard of that...

OK, enjoy the picks. You local produce eating bastards...

Conference Championship Picks

New England Patriots (+5.5) @ Denver Broncos + OVER 55

See? See that logo? Looks like hipster Eric Stoltz minus the OD'n bitch on his carpet. You know hipster Stoltz would be able to revive her with some sort of herbal extract, too. He wouldn't need a needle or any fancy first world medicine. Yeah, I'm thinkin' Pulp Hipster wouldn't have been as nearly entertaining a flick...

As for the Brady/Manning XXIFGVV, or whatever it is. I see what most have been seeing. A high-ish scoring game that should end up within a score or two. Why I'm siding with the Patriots, besides my allegiance. Is because I believe this should come down to one team making a big mistake, and history tells me that team will likely be Denver. Unless Stevan Ridley fumbles. In which case it will be New England. Not saying Denver is mistake prone, because they're not. But the Patriots are even less mistake prone than the Broncos. If that's even a thing. Which for my argument, I'm gonna go ahead and say it is...

I expect both teams to pass a ton, because everyone is predicting they're going to run. It having been successful for both in their earlier match up. I expect the Pats to utilize Vereen (my game MVP), to help spread things out. Mostly because everyone is expecting another big game from Blount. And I expect Peyton to use his myriad of weapons to great success, until a late game gaffe costs him a chance at his second ring. Maybe not his gaffe, but a gaffe nonetheless...

Patriots 30 Broncos 27

BOOM. And we're goin' to the ship...


San Francisco 49ers (+3.5) @ Seattle Seahawks + UNDER 39.5

If there ever was a hipster coach leading a hipster backed team, it's Petey C and the P-E-Ds. Even if the people I see at Seattle games remind me more like the townies from the Carrier Dome than they do latte sipping literati that collect vintage jazz records in an attempt to mine heroin from the grooves. I'm tellin' ya, man. You haven't ridden the white horse til you've shot up with some 15 year old H dust from a Louie Armstrong album. The kids call it "Satchin'", after "Satchmo". Armstrong's nickname. Except for the fact that I made all that up, and have already taken it too far...

As for the game, this is another spot where I like the underdog to come away with the outright win. I know, I know. One of my own cardinal rules is to never bet against the Seahawks at home. But, what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. Especially when it comes to breaking my own rules. I love that shit. Because then I can't lose! Either I win, which is great. Or I lose, but can claim that I actually knew I was going to lose all along. It's just good biz!

This should be a defensive slug fest, as all our predicting. And much like the game above (and virtually every game of football ever played ever), I like this one to come down to a few crucial plays. Perhaps even an overdue defensive penalty on those lineman that Petey Good Times has playing in his secondary. OR not, and they'll just keep letting those guys mud everyone that goes down field. Either way. Pretty sure Anquan Boldin isn't gonna stand for that, anyway. And you know Jimmy Harbaugh will be barking about it from the second he steps on the field...

That is somethin', though. I hate those freakin' coaches that are complaining about calls from the word go. But those rat bastards almost always seem to get their way! Even when it seems like they got something called against them simply for their being a dick, the rest of the way it seems like they tend to get their way. Which sucks, because I think that tactic is a bad one for sports all the way around. And it only encourages over zealous parents to do the same at the lower levels. Something I then have to feel the wrath of while working high school basketball games. What? Obviously you knew that had to come back to me somehow, didn't you?..

But, whatever. Better the over competitive guy wins than the hipster, right? Meh. They're both Teds. GO FOOTBALL! And go football they will. Should be a good one...  

Niners 20 Seahawks 16


Oh, and because she's been such a good luck charm the past few weeks, here's another gratuitous shot of SI's Miss January, Nina Agdal. Seems she found the shirt she was missing, last time. But we won't hold that against her. Especially if she doesn't even seem to want to hold it against herself. OH!


Last Week: 6-2-0

Overall: 151-130-10 (.536)


Have a good weekend, kids. And good luck. I'll catch you next time...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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