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Friday, September 27, 2013

Week 4 Picks: The Man Diaper Diaries...


You could try to convince me that the only reason the NFL sent the Steelers to London wasn't to get this picture. OMG BIG BEN & BIG BEN!! GET IT, GUYS?!? BAAAHAHAHAHA! But you probably wouldn't have much success. Much like I haven't been having much success at picking games, this year. Whatever. At least I'm not a huge Ted on a shitty team from a shitty city, sharing a nickname with a stupid clock. So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice. Unless of course there's a Bag Munman clock out there, somewhere. In which case I'd totally want my picture taken in front of it...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Time to Weird Out With Your Beard Out...


It dawned on me yesterday as to why, let alone even talking about them, Red Sox fans aren't head over heels for the most exciting baseball team to hit this town in a decade. And, yes. that picture above has something to do with it. Now it's your job to find out if it's a clever reference to something sports relaTed, OR merely foreshadowing the fact that I'm going to trick you into clicking on a hyperlink that sends you to WhiteMeatSpin.com...

Your move, Interwebbers...

Friday, September 20, 2013

Week 3 Picks: Try Not To Blow It...


What a difference 48 hours makes, huh? Just a few days ago I was tossing about humble brags in regards to my fantasy football team, and one vintage Vick performance later, I'm wondering if my team will ever win again. Not to mention my once thriving fantasy baseball team is plummeting and my golf team is holding on for dear life. But, hey. That's how these things work, right?. Sometimes you're flush, sometimes you're bust, and sometimes all you're left with is lousy quotes from old Johnny Depp movies...

...that one was from Blow, in case you missed it. And speaking of cocaine...OK, I don't really have a segue ready for that. But let's see if we can't make enough money this week so we could actually afford some, should the mood strike...

Let's pick some winners, friends. Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

How Lo Can You Go...


Remember that scene in Jackie Brown, when Samuel L. feels he has to kill Bobby D.? And how while he's doing it, he agonizingly says to him, "What the fuck happened to you, man? Your ass used to be beautiful."? No? Well, I linked to it, you lazy bastards. So feel free to check it out so you know what I'm talking about. And then you'll know how I feel on days like this past Tuesday. Where not once, but twice I turned on Boston sports talk radio (2 different stations) to find them talking about the possible return of former Bruins goalie Tim Thomas. You heard me. The possible return, of a guy whose sport doesn't even start for another few weeks, and who isn't even currently on an NHL team's active roster!!!

But, yeah. It's not like the Red Sox are on the doorstep of a historic playoff run, or anything. OR like the Patriots are as shadily interesting as they've been in ages, thanks to their depleted roster. No, yeah. Let's talk hockey. Because that makes a lot of sense...

Poor Boston sports talk. What was once a beacon on the sports landscape, now reduced to little more than First Take sans the pictures. OMG TUUKKA CLODE LUCIC GUY!!

And if you think I'm just bitter, you're probably right. I mean, I'm coming off the best fantasy weekend any one of you has probably ever seen (MICHAEL VICK GON MAKE YOU SICK!!), yet I still chose to chew out the industry in which I still hold out hopes of making my career instead of bragging about my god-like performance. Except right there, where I just mentioned it in perhaps the worst humble brag of all time...

I'm not not all gloom and doom, though. And to prove it, here's this:


This (no link needed):

This (likewise):



And this, too. Which is arguably the greatest obituary I've ever read. Matter of fact, it's so good that I think I might even claim it as my own when I finally shed this mortal coil. I mean, I'll probably change the name. but I'm already leaning towards using the current picture. Should serve as the perfect compliment to my proposed gravestone inscription... #RIP

And just for good measure, to prove once and for all that I'm really not (always) a cynical bastard. Here are 5 Lindsay Lohan GIFs...


Leave it to Lindsay to serve as the proof that not all hope is lost...even if virtually all of these GIFs were created before she spent several stints in rehab. Whatever. Details...

And here's a round up of this past weekend's picks. Not as pretty as the view above, but at least I'm trending in the right direction. Well, at least with my NFL picks...which basically means my results are equally as shitty as last week, just differently dispersed. Again. Details...


NFL Picks

Last Week: 8-7-1

Overall: 13-17-2 (.438)

NCAA Picks

Last Week: 3-4-1

Overall: 8-7-1 (.531)


Anyway, I'll catch you Friday, friends. We'll talk hockey. OR maybe football. Ya know, whichever seems more relevant at the time. Probably have a few more Lindsay GIFs, too. Because why the Hell not...

#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, September 13, 2013

Week 2 Picks: Manziel Without A Cause...

Fantasy golf...?
Last week, I went 5-10-1. And if you're looking for excuses as to reasons why, well then you've come to the right place. Nah, i won't actually give it excuses. Not like you want to hear about how I'm distracted by the stretch runs in my rotisserie baseball or fantasy golf leagues, or that I'm already dealing with a myriad of injuries across both of my big money fantasy football teams (pretty sure I got a tight end that's about to lose a toe...). Matter of fact, trying to use that as any excuse would probably only get the whole conversation sidetracked as you drift off trying to imagine what kind of super degenerate competes in fantasy golf...

Well, I'm that kind of degenerate. Probably the reason why I'm up this early after working a 13 hour shift until nearly 3 in the morning. That's right. You feel like a terrible person for making fun of my fantasy golf team now, don't you? Realizing the time and effort I put in to help you out free of charge. No? OK. Well then you can just go ahead and fornicate yourself with an iron rod (I was tempted to say you could "Argo-fuck yourself, there. But I don't want to give that mediocre flick any more pub than it's already received. Though Alan Arkin did slay in the limiTed time he was on the screen). Not like 'Bags' Birdie Brigade' needs your support, anyway. You rat bastards...

Either way. You've probably already scrolled past all of this nonsense to get to the picks, anyway. So let's have at it...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

#NEVERFORGET



Originally, I was going to use this time to rip Argo (I finally saw it), discuss my worries about the Patriots (they looked like crap) and revel in the return of Clay Buchholz. But this seemed more appropriate...

Catch you Friday, friends...

#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, September 06, 2013

Week 1 Picks: Upton At Them!!!


Well, I'm ready. Likewise, I'm pretty sure you're ready. Lord knows after last night that Peyton Manning and the Broncos are ready. And if me dreams are any indication, Kate Upton is always ready. So let's get to it. Oh, and just a little reminder as to how all this works:

You check in here every Friday-Saturday. Laud me for the picks I made that you agree with, criticize me for those that you don't. And then go make completely different picks all together over your myriad of gambling enterprises. Finally, at the end of the season you report that at least you "broke even", and then we all eagerly wait until we get to do it again next year...

We good? OK, great. Because next year is here. And it's time to break even. So, without further dudes. Let's break even in style...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

But Wait, There's More!


I spoke to a screenwriter, this weekend, at my sister's fantastic Indian wedding (this was before Ron Popeil cut me off on the Long Island Expressway). And we came to a startling quick consensus that Breaking Bad is probably the most annoyingly over analyzed show in the history of television. And not only that, but we also agreed that we thought the writers had bought into all of the over analysis, and that it had started effecting the way they were crafting their episodes. You know, overloading them with potential foreshadowing and insisting that every episode come equipped with a cliffhanger ending. Not that cliffhangers aren't great, but any trick that's used every single time will more often than not begin to become stale and predictable. Much like it's begin to happen here...
OMG WALT SHAVED HIS HEAD!
THAT MEANS FANBOY FANBOY
BEST SHOW EVAAAAAHH!

Now, whether any of that's true or not, that positive reinforcement from a  (combined with what I've felt have been a few lackluster episodes) has encouraged me to abandoned my recent attempts at a weekly review, in hopes of being able to salvage any enjoyment I could possibly get from the final 4 episodes. At the very leas I've got Boardwalk Empire to look forward to, as that series reboots with season four this Sunday after football. A show my new friend and I agreed provides all the entertainment value of Breaking Bad, without a good chunk of the inherent pretentiousness. We also agreed that we preferred the acting of Steve Buscemi, Jack Huston & Stephen Graham (not to mention Jeffrey Wright) to that of Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul and Dean Norris, and discussed our mutual love for everything Marcia Gay Harden that doesn't include Aaron Sorkin (because Sorkin can't write for female characters, obv). But I'll just stop my gushing now before either any of you (or this dude's wife) get the wrong impression. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except for, you know. The potential for intellectual adultery...

Oh, and as for the legendary pitchman that almost ran me off the road in his Mercedes as I attempted to maneuver my way on the LIE (his 'RONCO' vanity plates gave him away)? I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. OR, to use the parlance of that rat bastard's times. I'd be more than happy to "set it and forget it". You know, as long as he sends me a complimentary pocket fisherman. Besides, Ron's nearly ending my life doesn't even register as relevant in a weekend that saw (A) my burning of rice puffs and clarified butter at the behest of some sort of priest setting off the fire alarm in the middle of my sister's ceremony, and (B) my getting changed in the same tuxedo shop that saw this go down back when Ben Stiller was still considered funny...

Yeah, I'd say if I had to comment on the enjoyment and entertainment of this weekend I'd definitely classify it as "strong to very strong"...


As for the rest of the myriad of sports and entertainment scene that I often offer commentary, I don't have too much to report. The Red Sox continue to cruise along, with last night being arguably their most satisfying win of the season. Between Lester, Middlebrooks, the bullpen and the fact they were up against Scherzer (19-2) and Detroit. And Kate Upton was named model of the year. Mostly because she's a beautiful woman and one of the few models who weighs more than 100 pounds and doesn't look like she was just kicked off the H-train. But mostly because virtually everything she does can be turned into a GIF that prominently features her fun bags. And that's going to win you a lot of awards and make you a lot of money more often than not. This is America, after all. And if you don't like big breasted blondes doing provocative things, then you can get the fuck out...

But, hey. Before you do. Don't forget that you're going to want to come back on Friday, red blooded American or not. I'll have the first installment of my 2013 NFL & NCAA picks (if you want the pick for Thursday. head to Twitter). I'll say again that I'm long overdue for variance to rear it's ugly head, but that's not gonna stop me from attempting to continue defying the odds while basically not profiting at all...

It's all good, though. I live to serve, after all. And by that, I mean I'm almost never happy in these situations unless I'm miserable. And there isn't anything quite as agonizing as being convinced that the only reason you're beating the book is because you don't actually have any money on the line. But, such is my life. And I'll continue to offer up my tortured soul as entertainment for the masses...

NFL Picks

Last Season: 171-120-9 (.585)

Overall: 951-606-56 (.607)

NCAA Top 25 Picks

Last Season: 90-56-3 (.614)

Overall: 544-340-22 (.613)


Gaudy numbers, huh? Yep. And those results put me in an elite class of Interweb handicapper, too. But there's no reason that should help drive traffic to my site. Not like there's a large chunk of the populous out there that likes to win money betting on football, or anything...

So, yeah. Friday, friends. I'll see you then. And don't worry. I'll make sure my picks don't come with an abundance of over analysis...

#BAGSMUNMAN