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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sweet Sorrow


The more I think about it, the more the NCAA Tournament is just like an entire year's worth of college partying emotions crammed into a 3 week period...

First, it starts with an insane party, where all sorts of shit happens that you never would have expected. You meet all kinds of seemingly cool new friends, see a drunk girl go waaay too far with a tub of Land O Lakes butter and a stray dog, and leave thinking that you're a changed person thanks to the experience. You're probably wrong, but that's not really important to my point...

Then, there's the Sweet 16. Where we are now. A time where you party with a much closer knit group of friends (the chick you nicknamed "Land O Lips" has since failed out), and where your new found wisdom has you feeling good about what to expect. Well, except for the fact that you know that this is truly your last real good party of your college year. Sure, there will be a few other straggling parties to close things out. And maybe even one "official" rip to ceremonially end the campaign. But this is the real sendoff. You see most of your good friends for the last time, in the way you;re used to seeing them, and reflect upon what a fantastic time you'd had over the past 12 months...

So, yeah. It's bittersweet, the Sweet 16. And I'm not just saying that because it allows me to use that effortlessly effective play on words. Although that doesn't hurt. No, it's bittersweet because it's the last real rip of the year. And just when things really seemed to be amping up, too. But that's how it goes. It's why we love the tournament, and why every year we're aching for those first 2 weekends as if they were Meth and we were a pack of scabbed covered Floridians. And we'd be wearing jean shorts and Gator jerseys with no undershirt, obviously. Yep, ladies too. Because that just might be a lady there on the left. I think they call 'em "handsome hicks", down there. Ya know, right before they burn them at the stake...

It's OK, though. Because while it's sad knowing that this is the last party of the year and the South is intolernet, it's great knowing that there are a bunch of Floridians around to help Meth this rip out to epic proportions! That's only a metaphor, of course. Though I look at the Gulf Coast roster and I can't help but think that one of those cats could help me score a case full of cough syrup. Just sayin'...

And I'll say a little more, too. As I breakdown the penultimate weekend of the year, and let you know what I think my good friends are going to do going forward. Even see if I can't help you make a dollar or two, as I'll pick the weekend's first 8 games against the spread. Ya know, help you make back some of that bracket money you lost? I mean, you'd still have that money had you actually heeded my advice. But here we are. So let's make the best of this, and ensure that this is indeed a fitting send off for the 2013 college basketball season...

Enjoy, my friends...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So What? So Let's Dance!: 2013 NCAA Tournament Preview


Anyone who knows me, knows that there are two defining characteristics of my personality when it comes to sports. My love for college basketball, and my constant paranoia concerning the "sports Gods" and their penchant for fucking with my mind. Two things that will be on prominent display over the next few weeks thanks to the mind bogglingly difficult bracket that the NCAA Tournament committee decided to release on Saturday night. Especially since they saw fit to put 4 of my Top 10  teams in one region (STL, LVILLE, MSU, DUKE) , and the team I've been touting all year as underrated (NC State) in the same 4 team group with the team (Indiana) that I've had ranked #1 for a good chunk of the season...

But yeah, no. I'm just paranoid. Not like NC State could have been easily swapped with Pitt (no other ACC teams in that half of the draw), and been able to more easily knock of Gonzaga. OR St. Louis swapped for Michigan (yes, I get that VCU is there. But still...), which would have given them a shot at the always shady Jayhawks. Nah, that would have been too easy. And nothing that easy would have ever been any fun. Profitable? Most definitely. And I'm sure I would have had fun spending that money. But per usual, I'm more interested in the madness than the money. Even though, to quote Jason Lee in Almost Famous, "Some money would be nice!"...

And that's where this post comes in. I'm here now, in all my nerdy glory, to help guide you through the madness. To allow you access to the virtual mess of post it notes and John Nash type ramblings that is my knowledge of this season in college basketball. The chance to make heads or tails of my "beautiful mind", and try to use whatever useful strands you find to at least bring some respectability to your bracket entries. I say "entries" instead of "entry", because this year's field is that wide open, and I'm not some purist that's opposed to making money. And I say "beautiful mind", because I like subtle movie references. Even if they're not very subtle at all and actually accompanied by a picture and a hyperlink...

But no time for movies, except of course that movie that's about to unfold before our very eyes in the next few weeks. But that's just a metaphor, and we don't have time for those right now, either. It's time to dance...which I guess in itself, actually is a metaphor. So maybe we do have some time? Hmmmmmm. Interesting development. But no time for that, either. Unless there is. At this point, even I'm no longer sure. But what I am sure of, is that the greatest event in all of sports is upon us. And that unless I stop rambling, you'll never actually make it to the part where I give you the advice. So let's do that...

Hope you enjoy. Lord knows I will...

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (3/12)


I told you March was gonna be the jump off, didn't I? And boy has it ever delivered. College hoops? March's performance has continued to buoy the claim that this might be the craziest season of all time. My birfmas? A rousing success. The Taco Bell Doritos Cool Ranch jump off? The jump off. And out of left field, and obviously just for your pleasure, Tiger Woods even decided to add to the madness by sending a clear message to the rest of gold just a a few weeks before The Masters. That message? Look the fuck out, less out wanna get penetrated. He's primed to spray his special brand of Tiger sauce all over his 5th green jacket, and first since 2005. Those in the first few rows? You may get wet in a rather disgusting manner. I advise a poncho. Available in the gift shop for probably around 75 bean pieces...

Oh, and before I completely run off the rails. You're also getting an added March surprise with an early edition of my Top 25! I know, right? And it's my final Top 25 of the year, at that. After this, it's off to NYC, and then back for the bracket. Where Top 25 rankings become even more meaningless than they actually are during the year. But, no worries. I'll still have the bracket breakdown for ya. Granted, that info's been pretty useless past the Sweet 16 for the last 5-6 years. But, hey. We do what we can, right? After that, it's for Gus Johnson to decide. Yeah, I realize he doesn't work the tourney, anymore. But I think we all know he's still the final authority on all things March and dramatic. Sorry, Verne. But it is what it is...

So, here ya go. We're in the storm before the storm. And it's time to dance in the rain. Not the kind of gross rain that Tiger's producing. But yeah, let's not get back on that topic again...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (3/6)


As if March could have gotten any better. Now, on the eve of my birthday and the release of the Cool
Ranch taco, and mere weeks before the start of the NCAA tournament, comes word of a Kate Upton doppelganger! Granted, she's Russian. And that rabbit impression she's workin' around the mouth area ain't helpin' her cause. But still, I'm thinkin' that having the knowledge that even one more woman is out there in the world with a strong resemblance of everyone's favorite buxom blonde is a pretty decent score for mankind...

Speaking of scores, college basketball has been, per usual, continuing to provide a massive stash of entertainment worthy of George Jung. Or at least worthy of those geniuses that built a Meth lab in a golf course outhouse. More so the latter after last night's victory by Ohio St. I mean, is shit fucked up, or what? Here we were, all set in thinking that the Hoosiers were the clear cut favorites to cut down the nets and BAM! They get handled at home by a team that does it's best to set offensive basketball back to the days of drunken Dennis Hopper. So, what now? Does that mean the Zags are the best team in the country? A team that hasn't played much a schedule for the past 2 months?

Eh, guess you're about to find out. I already know, because I wrote it. But shouldn't stop you from scrolling down and seeing what it does...

Enjoy, my friends. IT's the beginning of the end. AKA The jump off. And you don't wanna mess anything. Ya know, because in doing so, you;re likely to miss everything at the same time. And you don't wanna do that. That's how you end up lookin' like Bunny Uptonslova up there come tourney time. Not sure what that means, exactly. But I really wanted to use that name...

OK, let's go!