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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (2/27)


He's posed topless with a goat, rocked a suspect faux-hawk, and now he's taking less money to help out his team. I mean, seriously. Is there anything Tom Brady can't do without still somehow walking away looking like the world's greatest trendsetter? OK, maybe his dabbling in goat-a-filia and that Flock of Seagulls haircut weren't big hits, and I wouldn't expect taking "less money" to all of a sudden become a trend. But you get what I mean. Tom's the man, and no matter what he does, he seems to come away smelling like he's just been between the sheets with a heavenly scented supermodel. That's just how he rolls...

I for one would like to thank him for being the boss pimp that he is. Not only for making life as a Patriots' fan so much fun, but also for making life as a fan of pretty much any other team relatively unbearable because of your suave demeanor and nearly unprecedented success. Mostly the latter, actually. Because I know how pissed I'd be if the Jets and Patriots were to switch positions. And I revel in the fact that more of my friends than not have to deal with that pain. What can I say? I'm a sick bastard. But you knew this already. Probably the reason you even wandered into this little Interweb space to begin with. For which I thank you...

And I have no idea what the Patriots plan to do with this new found salary cap space. Won't even venture a guess. Why? Well, because I'm not in the business of trying to get inside Bill Belichick's head. I've got enough issues fluttering around in my own hooded dome to be worried about what that crazy bastard is up to. Hope it's good stuff, though. As I'm sure it probably will be...

But enough about football. Though much like MLB, the NFL is trying to make it so that their league is always in the news with their stretched out new schedule, that doesn't mean I have to oblige. Especially when we're right in the middle of what's gotta be the best college basketball regular season in recent memory. The efforts of my Orange not withstanding...

Now, without further dudes. My latest Top 25. Enjoy...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (2/20)


Spring Training, folks. It's alive and kickin'. And while it's officially become harder to get a legitimate fantasy baseball league together than it is a fantasy football league (the 10 year transformation is complete), I'm one of those rare New Englanders that's still looking forward to the Boys of Summer. Granted, the Red Sox are garbage, and it figures to be a really long summer if you too happen to be one of their fans. But since when is a long summer a bad thing? By my math, a long summer means we get to see beauties like my baseball lovin' girl up there strut around in their bikinis for that much longer! And while I'm no mathematician, I'm pretty sure you'll find those numbers to your liking...

But, alas. Summer's not here quite yet. It's unfortunate, I know. But as the saying goes, "good things come to those who wait". And while we wait, what better to distract us from the oncoming bikini onslaught, than the part of the college basketball schedule that if it were stuffed into a barely there bathing suit, would no doubt be the new fixture on the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue? Sorry, Kate. But it's true. I'd rather see Jim Boeheim in a banana hammock than...wait. OK, I'm thinkin' it's more of a metaphorical thing. At least I'm hoping it is, because I just booted up what looks like Cheerios on my keyboard at the thought of that last statement. And when the Hell did I eat Cheerios?! Ah , yes. Just one of life's little mysteries...

Speaking of mysteries, you can cross the one off of your list that involves this week's 25 best teams in college basketball. It's solved. So, yeah. Cue up The Who, slide your shades on, and let's get to this thing...

YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (2/13)


Valentine's Day. For many a single guy or gal (emotional ladies of Facebook, I'm mostly talking to you), just the simple words can bring a sadness to their heart. But not this serial bachelor. Now, would I like a busty piece of arm candy to follow me around to my various college basketball watching engagements and make sure I've always got a cold beer? Sure. But I don't let the presence of red boxes of chocolates and overpriced stuffed bears remind me of that fact on Valentine's Day any more than your average run of the mill Thursday...

And it's not because I'm some heartless bastard, either. It's because I'm distracted. Between rivalry week in college basketball, and what is rapidly becoming "Kate Upton Day" presented by Sports Illustrated, I've got more than enough on my plate to worry about squeezing on an extra heart shaped pastry or sketchy piece of meat. I mean, have you seen Kate Upton's spread in the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?? Damn. Just damn, folks. I mean, if you have a girlfriend or wife, I kinda feel bad for you when you flip through that gallery. I mean, sure. I'm delusional in thinking that I could ever land a busty vixen like that. But at least my delusions don't have to involve breaking up with someone and become the bane of their existence. Just sayin'...

#natural
So, yeah. Valentine's Day. Enjoy it, if you've got someone. Just be sure not to whip out the SI Swimsuit issue while doing so. And if you don't have at least a steady hook up that you could use a useless Christmas gift card to take to your local Applebee's, I've already given you plenty of reasons not to get you down. Namely two. College basketball and Boobs McGee, up there. And you can even post about those things on Facebook without coming off as a desperate basket case. Sounds like a win/win to me. And everybody LOVES a win/win. Get it? Valentine's? Love? Birds? Stones? Yeah, you got it. You're learned. About you're about to get learned on what the real College Hoops Top 25 should look like as rivalry week rolls on...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (2/6)


Quite the little Super we had there, wasn't it? I certainly enjoyed it. There was some good football, some good drama, I successfully predicted the winner. All in all, it really was a rousing success. Sure, virtually all of my prop bets failed along with the power, the commercials I actually understood were terrible and Beyonce ruined an otherwise stellar halftime performance with this impromptu Serena Williams impression. But other than those minor sped bumps, I think it's safe to say that a more than satisfactory time was had by all. Except during the blackout, when I'd have to imagine that the suits at CBS weren't having such a great time, and wishing they still actually employed more than 2 competent broadcasters in their roster of feather haired meat heads...

But, alas. They don't have anyone that knows how to successfully string together a few recognizable sentences when Nantz is out of commission, and we no longer have any football. It's just the unfortunate way in which the world works. Lucky for us, the world also works in ways in which we can all benefit. Like say, being able to cushion the fall from football with the meat of the stretch run for college hoops. It's your typical door close/window open type situation. So let's dive through that window together, and make sure we're adequately prepared for the sure to be entertaining months to come...

Oh, and feel free to dive first. Not trying to get all cut up, over here. Especially since I'm all out of Billy goat semen to help me recover. Yeah, it's the new "deer antler". And I've been hearing good things about ferret pubes, too. But that's for another time. For now, enjoy the latest installment of my Top 25, and feel free to leave any grievances you have with my selections at the bottom of the page...

Enjoy...

Friday, February 01, 2013

Betting the Super Bowl OR My Search for Beyonce's Ass...


Here we are, friends. The Super Bowl. And while chances are that if you're reading this, then you don't really have a dog in this fight. That doesn't mean we can't take this opportunity to have some fun and make some money. I mean, Hell. I've already used it as an excuse to troll for pictures of Beyonce's ass all over the Interweb. You know, because I talked a lot about asses last week, said I'd talk about them again this week, and she just so happens to have won of the most noteworthy asses of our modern times? And I'm not talking Serena Williams "Oh my God, I think that woman is suffocating a large midget in her shorts" noteworthy, either. This is a sane and healthy kind of noteworthy. Healthy like the love between two brothers, who are facing each other in the Super Bowl that I'm about to break down...

And that, my friends. Is what we call an awkward segue. But, a segue nonetheless! So let's go. Ya know, because we've already segued from dead midgets and large annuses to brotherly love and the biggest sporting event of the year...

Giggity...