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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (1/30)


SEE! HE USES DEE-AH ANTLAHHHHHH! AND HE'S A MURDERAHHH!

Ah, yes. There's nothing quite like Super Bowl media week. The surprisingly well timed release of damaging investigative findings, the voluptuous reporters from south of the border, the roided up participants showing off their fancy college degrees with their articulate interviews. It really is a freak show worthy of the biggest single sporting event of the year...

But that's for Friday. Well, not the analysis of media week. But you can be damned sure I'll be here with all the prop bets fit to fill your pockets. I'm still searching for odds on a coin flip that's performed by bouncing a commemorative Super Bowl quarter off of that Azteca reporter's ass, to no avail. But rest assured that when I find those round and juicy odds, I'll be sure to include them in the Super Bowl breakdown as well...

Now, it's on to the latest Rooch Nation College Hoops Top 25. And while there are no gigantic asses that make you question biology and physics, there is apparently a guy named "Big Nook" and an Eric Devendorf 2.0 sighting. So it shouldn't prove to be a total loss should you actually avert your eyes from that jean clad temptress and venture down the page...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (1/23)


It's true what they say, about being a fan of a good team that makes the playoffs that finally loses. It's like being on a steaming locomotive that abruptly comes to a screeching halt. That is, if trains even run on steam, anymore. I know Doc Brown's flying time machine train ran on steam, so that's good enough for me. But the truth is, I think they're burning the dead homeless as fuel for trains, these days. Either that, or it's electricity and/or some sort of combustible fuel. Perhaps a better analogy would be that it's like being cleated in the junk? That works, too. Although if I used that then I wouldn't get to mention Doc Brown's flying train. Which makes it fantastic for me that I already did...

Point is, as a Patriots fan, my season is suddenly over. And while I'd love nothing more than to sit here and bitch about that fact, I really don't have much to say on the topic. The Patriots played like shit, so they lost. End of story. There are no major changes that need to be made for them to get better. They're still one of the league's elite teams and they'll be right back in the same place next year. Eight years, 10 years, whatever. I don't care how long it's been since they've won a Super Bowl. They're still an elite franchise. And anyone thinking anything remotely different is obviously high on drugs. And probably not even a normal drug. They're probably smoking a hash like substance made of of Ray Lewis' body fluids. Yeah. Think about that. Bet the batches with hair stink your place up something wicked. Oh, I mean. I bet it SMELLS LIKE GREATNESS. What a sick and twisted legend that guy is. Just a beauty...

But, yeah. So with my NFL season pretty much over, and with 2 weeks til the HarBowl, it's time to talk some college hoops. And by "talk some college hoops", I mean defend my position on North Carolina State, and offer a warmhearted mea culpa to my Syracuse Orange. Enjoy...

Friday, January 18, 2013

Championship Picks: Notre Dumb...


Seriously, where do you start with this clusterfuck of a story? Well, I'll start by saying this. IF you needed any more proof that Deadspin was/is the preeminent place to go for any sports news that's actually worthwhile and seemingly unbiased. You got it...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (1/16)


Somerset: These murders are like forced attrition.

Mills: Forced what?

Somerset: Attrition. It's when you regret your sins, but not because you love God.

Mills: More like because someone's sticking a fucking gun in your face....

That's a back and forth from David Fincher's classic, SE7EN. And it's a conversation that perfectly sums up Lance Armstrong and his "apology tour". Now, I've been on Lance Armstrong for going on a decade, and I know you've all heard my take on him. So I'll spare you another rant. But just one last reminder. Do not forgive this man...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Divisional Picks: Hall & Jokes...


Here's the thing about "officials". A term, which for today's purposes, encompasses referees, officials, and those Teds that vote for the MLB Hall of Fame. So here's the thing about those Teds. They're tasked with making a call. Again, whether it's an MLB umpire, a basketball referee, or in this case a voter for a Hall of Fame. The second you give them any room to editorialize on that call? You're in trouble. And since the MLB Hall of Fame voting is completely comprised of guys who editorialize for a living, this latest shutout can't come as much of a surprise...

I bring it all back to the charging call in basketball. So many referees get it wrong and call too many charges, in my opinion mostly because the physical call is that much more fun and impressive to make. So they make the call when they shouldn't, merely to draw attention to themselves and remind people of how important they are. But that's the thing. They're not important. OK, they're important. But they aren't a millionth as important as they'd like to believe...

So, yeah. Votes like the one earlier this week, and the one a few years back that left out Robbie Alomar, are to be expected. Because when you give attention seeking whores a chance to seek even more attention, they're always going to take it. You think this vote was really about "The Steroid Era"? Nah. It was about everyone that wanted to giving themselves a platform to tell you how they feel about The Steroid Era. And it's as simple as that. Why else would they hold their votes hostage by giving the voter the option to make their picks public, instead of making it mandatory that all ballots are made public?

Maybe it's this new age where so many media members have become semi celebrities that's doing this, I don't know. But the fact remains. The voters have officially made the voting process more about themselves than the players they're entrusted to judge. And for that, the Hall of Fame might just be tarnished forever. Not to say that it was super clean before, but it's quickly gone from having a minor amphetamine problem to a full blown epidemic of anabolic steroids and HGH...

And I don't have a solution, for you. Much like my feelings on gun control, I think we've let things go on one way for too long to reasonably expect the necessary changes to take place. You can't overhaul the system, because it's steeped in tradition. And with baseball being the only sport where the fans actually give a rats ass about tradition, that would be a problem. So, what do you do? You just sit back and laugh. Because that's what you do when someone tells a funny joke. And the voting process for the MLB Hall of Fame has become exactly that. A funny joke. Or even better. A funny racist joke. Because you're still laughin', even though part of you knows that it's just not cool...

But enough about baseball. That sport doesn't offer nearly as entertaining a fantasy sports platform, and almost never provides enticing lines on which we can wager. So screw them and their holier than thou writers. Oh, and for the record. My HOF ballot would have had 4 names on it: Craig Biggio, Jack Morris, Don Mattingly & Edgar Martinez. I don't vote for cheaters, because they cheat. And I don't need a Federal court to tell me who's guilty...

Now, football...

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

College Hoops Top 25 (1/9)


Nick Saban. Dude makes Bill Belichick look like Petey freakin Carroll. I mean, even The Hood cracks a smile, pumps a fist, or let's a celebratory expletive fly when his team gets the job done. But not Saban. And it's OK. Matter of fact, I love the fact that guys like Saban exist. This is entertainment, after all, and few things are more entertaining than a Napoleonic narcissist with a penchant for perfection. Mostly because their falls from grace are the disastrously most epic and entertaining, but also because they provide a necessary enviable evil that any franchise needs to keep the viewers coming back for more. And one that's not an illegal type of evil, like that diddler Sandusky...

Just thought I'd throw that thought out there before getting to this week's Top 25. Been hearing a lot of talk about Saban since Alabama's 2nd consecutive National Title and 3rd in 4 years, and there's my take. He's a rat bastard, but you need rat bastards. Because without the rat bastards, the Teds start to run the asylum. And the next thing you know...poof! You're the NHL...

Enjoy the Top 25, friends. Rumor is it tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios...

Oh, and if you want to hear my take on that? Here it is. Not since Roseanne Barr has anyone made a better career out of being a bitch than Kevin Garnett. And you know what? Melo fell right into his trap. So, props to KG for continuing to show that he's still got use of his biggest weapon. And shame on Melo for letting a back peddling trash talker get the best of him...

#BOOM

Now back the the basketball that actually matters...

Friday, January 04, 2013

WILD CARD WEEKEND


Paulina Gretzy, ladies and gentleman. Daughter of a former hockey player whom you might remember. What's hockey, you ask? Well it's a game that dirty Europeans used to play that Americans pretended to like when their local team was good. Like Quidditch on ice, basically. Except replace the wannabe wizards with the aforementioned dirty Europeans. Or just older wannabe wizards. Won't be too much of a difference, there...

So why is Miss Gretkzy donning the top of my post? No real reason. Except for maybe that she's a "wild card". Yeah, that works. I mean, she's no Charlie Kelly, but I'm sure she keeps Papa Wayne on his toes more often than not when she's flashin' her cans all over the Interweb. Not to mention lounging spread eagle in a bikini...

Yeah, so that's why she's there. She's a "wild card". Which in this instance, is a convenient way for me to clean up the term "Interweb flesh farmer", and use it to my advantage. Speaking of advantages, let's see if we can't snag you one as you head into one of the final betting weekends of the season...

Enjoy, my friends. Both the cans, and the conversation...

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Unchaining the College Hoops Top 25...


Well happy new year, you rat bastards. Another year is upon us...and that means absolutely nothing to yours truly.Yeah, sorry. But for this guy, it's just another day on the calendar and a chance to drink champagne...

January does signal the start of conference play in college basketball, though. Which means this week you'll get your first look the 2013 Rooch Nation College Hoops Top 25. I know, you're chomping at the bit. I'll also have a review of the highly anticipated, Django Unchained, too. And a reminder that I may very well be one of the best NFL handicappers in the country...

So new year, old year. Whatever. All I care about is that it's a Wednesday that feels like a Monday. Which is somehow a good thing. Enjoy, my friends. And good luck in the year ahead...