Friday, December 20, 2013

Week 16 Picks: Gunnin' For Christmas...

Well, it's Christmas. Yep. Last week was Festivus, and this week it's Christmas. Mostly because I won't be talking to you fine folks between now and the actual event, so I'd rather get the pleasantries out the way now. But mostly because I'd rather just pretend it's Christmas already, and talk about that, than try to make small talk about semi important events like the return of Brian Griffin or the US All Gay Olympic Revue and their planned trip to the Russian Catskills. "So whose rippling thigh do you gotta hump around here to get one of those big furry hats? Huh? Huh??? And what's the deal with that thing on Gorbachev's head? Am I right??"

Yeah, the Olympics are funny. So are politics. But not funny enough for me and this space. Unless, of course, either of them happened to be occurring in Florida. But they don't have politics, there. From best I can tell, there are just a bunch of tribes wandering the state protecting their respective stashes of Sudafed and extra tall white t-shirts. Like an end of days type deal. It's like Denzel Washington in that shitty movie I didn't make it all the way through. OR mostly, it's like Leonard Smalls from Raising Arizona. Yeah, that captures it. I mean, I'm sure he had at least some Meth in that hellish looking saddle bag of his...

So, yeah. Ripped Russia, ripped Florida, said it was Christmas when it really wasn't. OK, good. Even organically worked in a Coen Brothers reference. Which is always a bonus. I'll have an Inside Llewyn Davis review sooner rather than later, too. Speaking of the Coens. I'll like it, you won't, and we'll all continue on our way. It'll be fun times, trust me. Maybe not as fun as watching Putin chasing Brian Boitano and Billie Jean King around St. Petersburg whilst waiving a Bible and speaking in tongues (Bob Costas watches, nods, and begins penning scathing monologue), but you can't win 'em all....unless of course you follow all of my picks! OH! Segue! Which really needs to start being commonly spelled "segway", now. But that's another story for another day...

Enjoy the picks, friends. And in case you don't make the jump, a very merry and healthy Christmas to you and yours...

Week 16 Picks

New England Patriots (+2.5) @ Baltimore Ravens

That narrative currently surrounding the Patriots is that now EVERYTHING is on Tom Brady's shoulders. As if that isn't ALWAYS the case...

But, yeah. The Patriots have been ravaged by injuries on both sides of the ball, and people are getting more nervous about the fact the closer the team gets to the playoffs. And for good reason. But narrative alone doesn't make a team fall off the map. At least not unless that team has a star on it's helmet...

This one should be tight, though. So take the points. Baltimore has won 4 straight, and that's great. But check their offensive performance and the teams they were playing before you go calling them "hot". Yes, they're playing well. But they're not who they were, which was a team that always seemed to have the Pats number...

Miami Dolphins (-2.5) @ Buffalo Bills

I'm sure there are some less than encouraging numbers regarding warm weather road favorites in December, but there's no way I'm passing on Miami in this spot. Snow, sleet, 20-below wind chill, whatever. Buffalo is trotting out a back up QB and has nothing to play for. I mean, I just guaranteed that they now win by 20 and get at least 2 defensive/special teams touchdowns. But you see what I'm saying. Miami is playing well, Buffalo sucks...damn. Now I'm thinking that EVERYONE is probably thinking this way. Which means it's almost DEFINITELY the wrong pick. FUUUUUCCCKKK!!!...

San Diego Chargers (-10) vs Oakland Raiders + UNDER 51.5

Cincinnati Bengals (-7) vs Minnesota Vikings + OVER 47

Told you last week that Cincinnati had a good chance of making the Super Bowl, and they went out and got SMOTED by Pittsburgh like a stale Pall Mall. I'm still on that bandwagon, though. Starting to come around on the Chargers, too. Wouldn't be entirely surprised if Big Philly Styles finally goes completely nuts and punches a ref, either. So there's always that to consider. He'll probably pop out 2 more kids before the playoffs start, too. You know that crazy bastard has 6 kids? They all have fairly normal names, too. Which is surprising. Except for son "Gunner". But I'll just chalk that up to being a Biblical name that I'm just not familiar with. I know he's really religious. Yeah, yeah. Now I remember from church! Gunner, he was like Jesus' wingman! Or was he the guy that sold Jesus weed? Yeah, I can never remember what happened in church. Was always too concerned with the fact that I was being forced to sit on a wooden bench for an hour when they easily could have spotted me a seat cushion. Pfffft. Self righteous do gooders. Makin' me sit on wood. Where's Gunner? I need a satchel...

Washington Tedskins (+3) vs Dallas Cowboys

Speaking of being high. Here are two teams whose coaches tend to manage them as if they too were under the influence of some of Gunner's ganj. I'm fully expecting Dallas to complete their collapse here, too. Just seems too perfect, with Kirk Cousins at the helm and whatnot. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking, on my part, because I want Jerry Jones to go nuts and fire everybody and for Cowboy fans to suffer. Meh, either way. I'll take the QB that's at home and playing with confidence than the guy on the road that's playing scared. I'll still use the scared QB's cheerleaders in Christmas gear as the photo for this match up, though. They ain't scared. You know, except of old age and gravity...    

Carolina Panthers (-3) vs New Orleans Saints

Chicago Bears (+3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Ah yes. The mythical "we should know more about both of these teams after this game" match ups. But, you know what? We should know more, dammit! But we undoubTedly won't. That being said. I like Carolina to get revenge, and I'll take whoever is getting points in a Chicago/Philly game where you have to think the last team with the ball is going to win. Or Cutler might throw a pick 6 whilst elegantly dangling a Marlboro Red from his snow touched lip...

No college picks again, this week. So in lieu of a scantily clad coed, here's a scantily clad Candice Swanepoel dressed in some Christmas themed underwear. Unless that's a skirt, in which case I need to start going out to clubs again...only to them immediately realize I can find the same chicks on the Interweb without having to sweat through a shirt while I shove my way through a sea of bros and ultimately to a $15 Coke and Coke with extra ice...

Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5) vs Indianapolis Colts

Denver Broncos (-10) @ Houston Texans

St. Louis Rams (-5.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Cleveland Browns (+2.5) @ New York Jets

Jacksonville Jaguars (+5.5) vs Tennessee Titans

Detroit Lions (-9) vs New York Giants

Arizona Cardinals (+10.5) @ Seattle Seahawks

Monday Night

San Francisco 49ers (-12.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

27-10 sounds about right, doesn't it? You'll be listening on the radio if at all, anyway. Mostly because you haven't done nearly enough of your Christmas shopping, you lazy bastards. Good luck at Wal Mart with all the unwashed masses. And by good luck, I mean you're going to get stabbed and/or covered in feces. So, yeah. YULE TIDE!!!

Last Week: 11-9-0

Overall: 123-109-9 (.529)

And that's it for me, friends. Again, a healthy and happy to you and yours. I'll be back sometime next week, not sure when. But I'm sure you'll survive. Be good, Teds...



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