Friday, December 06, 2013

Week 14 Picks: Whateva, Guy...

Jacoby Ellsbury is gone. That's not a surprise. The fact that he's now with the Yankees? Yeah, that's a bit of a surprise. But the fact that Boston fans are, by and large, knowledgeably indifferent? Well that is flat out shocking. Even if knowledgeably indifferent might not be an actual working phrase...

I mean, seriously. I haven't seen a player go so unceremoniously from one rival to another in my life! Let alone from the Red Sox to the Yankees. And this isn't some old bastard like Wade Boggs making the move. It's a player that, even Red Sox fans would agree, is still in his prime and should remain a "productive-when-healthy" player for years to come. But that "when healthy" is the key. As was his apparent "value" on the open market. Pay a guy more than we're paying Dustin Pedroia, even though his career numbers are considerably worse? Yeah, no thanks. Not that Pedey's deal is some landmark by which you should judge every potential free agent. But I think it helps to put this particular deal into a bit of perspective. As does comparing Ellsbury's numbers to, say, a guy like Carlos Gomez. A guy who happens to be about half the price of Ellsbury on a yearly basis, by the way. And he's not exactly on some outdated contract, either...

Beard alone does not a hero make...
I'm also not just going to sit here and tell you that since Ben Cherington and friends "did it last year", that I think whatever they do is necessarily the correct move. I do like their apparent shift in philosophy, though. From handing out a few long term deals for big money to handing out a lot of shorter term deals that provide the team a lot of flexibility and protection. But that's mostly because they were able use it to win the World Series. Making it work in the long haul will be another trick, altogether. But one I'd like to see them attempt to execute. Just like they were able to take advantage when everyone shifted to "Moneyball". They were at the forefront of that movement, and were able to take capitalize. And while this tactic of signing "lesser" players isn't exactly revolutionary, it's one that, when utilized by a large market team, could prove very effective. At least until the rest of the market adjusts and the value disappears. Just like with "Moneyball". But the best you can do is survive and adapt, and I like the way this team has handled that ongoing evolution...

Meh, whatever. Truth is, Ellsbury was never a favorite son. Not like Johnny Damon was. And that's more or less why people don't care. "Whateva, guy. Damon left and we STILL won anotha title! BOSTON STRONG, KID!". See, it's less about Ellsbury, the player, than it is about Boston, the fan base. We just don't fear the Yankees, like we used to. And we actually have faith in our own front office (still not huge fans of the actual ownership, but that's another thing for another day). Two things we're still getting used to in terms of this legendary rivalry. Probably why it still feels so odd that we're talking about a smooth transition from Boston to the Bronx...

But enough about the Yankees overpaying for a pretty boy that'll likely spend 2+ years of his contract on the DL and isn't likely to hit the # of HRs he hit in 2011 over the first 3 years of his new deal combined. OH! And you thought I was taking the high road! OH! Gotcha, Teds!

No, but seriously. Nobody cares. And it's mildly hilarious...

OK, now let's talk some football. OR at least take a look at some spreads and pictures and musings and such...


Week 14 Picks

Cleveland Browns (+12.5) @ New England Patriots

If I'm not 0-for picking the Patriots against the spread, this season. I'm damn close. And it's not as if I've been lacking faith and picking them to lose, either. Meh, whatever. I don't take anyone favored by this many points. Especially if they're playing against a team with a player whom I've dubbed "JGWeeeeeee!". You know, like RG3, but with a Weeeeeee!? Yeah, I'm clever as Hell. And if I find out you used that as your new fantasy team name because you just so happen to have Josh Gordon. I'm going to cut you while you're sleeping. I'll just follow you in when you go see Anchorman 2. That way I know I'll have probably close to an hour to prepare before you doze off out of boredom. OR if you get up and walk out, I'll just stab you in the parking lot. Probably take your wallet, too. So, yeah. But feel free to say it. It's fun. J-G-WEEEEEEE! See? Imagine saying that as he's running free towards the end zone? Yeah, it's fantastic. But remember. I'll stab you. So tread lightly...

Cincinnati Bengals (-5.5) vs Indianapolis Colts

That, my friends, is "Cincinnati Chili". Something I came to learn about via a pseudo vicious debate recently held over at Deadspin. Can't believe I hadn't heard of it before. But I also don't watch those "Let's Watch This Guy Get Diabetes & Heart Disease While We Cheer & Laugh" shows on a regular basis. Looks like a complete mess, though. And the pasta looks completely unnecessary. But, whatever. Oh, and for those not intimately familiar with the dish, there's so much shredded because you have to cover up the tin of Skoal that's hidden underneath. That's the filling. And I hear mint is the way to go. That is if you consider yourself a true connoisseur...and have done Meth/played strip Pogs with at least 3 of your "cousins"...

San Diego Chargers (-3) vs New York Giants + OVER 45.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-3) @ Washington Tedskins + OVER 43

The end can't come soon enough for the Giants and Tedskins. But they'll have to suffer a little bit longer. Good news, is that we get to utilize their consistent shittiness this week, thanks to their both taking part in non-conference games. Because you see, according to, a great handicapping website, the OVER in such contests this season has hit to the tune of 41-13. That's a 76% clip, for those of you that are scoring at home. So, yeah. I'm riding that wave. I'll either reap the bennie's, or revel in the fact that I've helped bring another OVERwhelming trend to it's knees. Pun, intended...

Tennessee Titans (+12) @ Denver Broncos

St. Louis Rams (+6.5) @ Arizona Cardinals + UNDER 42.5

As I've already mentioned, I'm not spotting anyone 12 points. But these two picks are less a reflection of what I actually think, and more a result of what I'm being told by my sports nerds in the know. Sure, these are the same Teds that were high on the Jets last week. But all that really means is that they're overdue for some magic. At least that's what they keep telling me. I see them regularly, too. Actually one of them sleeps in his car, outside my house. Good guys. Would trust them with my kids...

Seattle Seahawks (+3) @ San Francisco 49ers

Carolina Panthers (+3.5) @ New Orleans Saints

I'm not sure what I was looking for exactly, when I found this picture. But I'm fairly confident it was "Boobweiser" OR "Saggy Frogs". Although the one to the far right? Not bad! Hers are actually holding up quite nicely. Good for her. Then again, I'm not even completely sure what I'm looking at, right there. That's body paint, right? OR they're shirts? I'm still not sure. Whatever the case. Be careful on Google Images, kids. It can be an unexpectedly dangerous place. And yes. I too have noticed that the frog eyes follow you around the room...

Here's the rest of the slate. And, wow. What a bunch of shitty looking match ups. I'm finally willing to trust Philly at home, though. And we have two more non-conference OVERs to feast on. So I guess there's that. But, yeah. Dumpster fire central, up in here. Good luck to you if they happen to be televised in your particular viewing area. Good luck with the alcoholism, that is...

Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) vs Detroit Lions

Oakland Raiders (+2.5) @ New York Jets

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) vs Miami Dolphins

Baltimore Ravens (-6.5) vs Minnesota Vikings + OVER 42.5

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2.5) vs Buffalo Bills + OVER 41.5

Monday Night

Chicago Bears (pick) vs Dallas Cowboys

"A 47 yard field goal attempt on 2nd down, huh? You're fired." Say that as if you're Shooter McGavin, and it should properly sink in. That's what former CFL head man and current Bears coach, Mark Trestman, did last week in his team's loss to the Vikings. And I only mention the fact he was a CFL coach because that's the type of move that some dopey Canuck would try, dontcha know. Forget the fact that the guy is considered a master of the West Coast Offense. Because making fun of Canada is funny. Especially when someone pulls what can easily be deemed such a "Canadian" move. No offense, obviously. You know, to the slow-witted Canadians. It's not their fault. It's just science...

Last Week: 9-9-0

Overall: 100-93-9 (.517)

Haven't had a chance to use "Oklahoma girl", this year. So I'll pick the Sooners just so I can do that. A choice that I believe should be saluted by everyone. And I actually like Arizona St. to clip the Cardinal. So I'll throw some of their scantily clad supports up there, too. And Lord knows there was no shortage of their coeds to be found on the vast expanse know as the world wide Interweb. The only trouble was finding ones that weren' know...being double penetrated. I mean, come on now. This is a family friendly website. Which is why I said "double penetrated" as opposed to "starring in a remake of "Add Momma To the Train". That's right. I go that extra mile. You know, for the kids...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(20) Duke (+29) @ (1) Florida St.

(10) Michigan St. (+5.5) vs (2) Ohio St.

(3) Auburn (-2) vs (5) Missouri

(18) Oklahoma (+11.5) @ (10) Oklahoma St.

(11) Arizona St. (-2.5) vs (7) Stanford

SMU (+10) vs (15) UCF

(9) Baylor (-13.5) vs (23) Texas

(16) Northern Illinois (-3) vs Bowling Green

Utah St. (+3.5) vs (24) Fresno St.

Last Week: 5-6-0

Overall: 64-56-4 (.532)

OK, friends. That's it for me. Good luck with your Christmas shopping, and whatnot. And I'll catch you next time. Oh, and stay tuned for some college basketball updates. Still too early for rankings. But I'll be bringing some knowledge sooner rather than later. So be on the lookout. And as always, feel free to follow along on Twitter. Where the college basketball knowledge and commentary flows like Cincinnati Chili down the gullet of a Meth whore. Which is to say it flows quite well. You know. Because she's obviously eliminated her gag reflex...

OK. Later Teds...



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