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Friday, November 01, 2013

Week 9 Picks: So Long, Beard Strong...


Start Teddin' the news, my damies! the Red Sox are world champions and I'll be damned if it doesn't feel...good? Yeah, I guess "good" is about all I can muster. I mean, I'm pumped for the bragging rights and the chance to snag a new hoodie or two. But between the '01 Patriots-like improbability of the thing, and the fact that I was 21 years old when they finally broke the curse (AKA right in the meat of every man's sports loving wheelhouse, where camaraderie flows like the salmon to Capistroano), I just can't bring myself to even let this improbable run by an incredibly likable group of guys even approach putting a dent in my personal pantheon...

I'm not selling the accomplishment short, nor am I trying to put out the championship flames with my less than positive spin. I'm merely reinforcing the fact that while many outsiders will look at "Boston sports fans" and call us spoiled, "jaded" is probably a much more apt description. At least it's appropriate when describing me. Maybe it's because of the anticlimactic way in which the game ended, or maybe it's because I know that so many that created that electric atmosphere at Fenway these past few weeks spent most of the Summer dry humping the Bruins' off season activities and paying little mind to the team that used to dominate the city's sports scene. But I think it's really just that '04 spoiled me. '04 was like that first hit of heroin, if I'm to believe what I've seen on TV and read extensively on the Interweb. Which I'm wont to do. And while every hit since has been a fantastic ride on that prize winning white horse, it's just never as good as that very first time. You know, when you had no idea what to exactly expect...


Jaded? Sure. But a jaded junkie need not worry about these things. So allow me to cut myself short before I ruin all of our respective highs. It was a great season, with an incredible finish. And while my arm will inevitably be itching again before I even finish this sentence, let it never be said that I didn't appreciate this team, this ride, and the incredibly entertaining and unexpected way in which it all unfolded. And that's really all that matters.  I mean, a ride on the white horse is a ride on the white horse, after all. And I'll be whipping that rat bastard til he Eight Belles' his way into a substandard can of store brand dog food. If for no other treason than to continue chasing that high that I know I'll likely never be able to reign in again. At least not from a sports fan standpoint...

But that's not your problem. Your problem is figuring out which of my football picks this week were made while I was on smack, and which ones are actually legit. Which is to say they're at least the ones I made while I was only looking for smack or figuring ways to sell my bodily fluids for more smack money. You'd be amazed at how much money you can get for a bag of your own feces form the guys that hang out behind the YMCA. $25! And all they ask is that you give out a few "bum hugs" to the local residents in addition to the product.. PS - they're really hand jobs. Don't believe when one of them offers to show his "purple heart", either. Freakin scam artists. You'd think those involved in the smack for poo game would have more of a sense for fair trade. And you'd be wrong...

Enjoy...

Week 9 Picks

New England Patriots (-7) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Let's start with the team that began leading me down this jaded path in the first place. And we'll find them in a place that we haven't often found them before. Sure, they're 6-2. And that's normal. But what isn't normal is the increase in talk that Tom Brady looks "old" and just might not "have it" anymore. Translation: Cue the 4 touchdown game the emotional yelling in the end zone and on the bench....


Dallas Cowboys (-11.5) vs Minnesota Vikings

Speaking of emotional outbursts on the sidelines, you've gotta love the odds of Dallas bouncing back at home after last week's relative meltdown on the road in Detroit. At least I do. Especially since the Vikings have proven about as good at playing football as they are at not letting photos and stories from their sexscapades leak out into the press. Where is Bryant McKinnie at, anyway? Somebody needs to make this team interesting, God dammit. Fred Smoot? Anyone? Hello? Bueller?

Or maybe we can just dial up Sweet Pea and the ladies, over there, to help liven things up a little. You know, by having one of them smash an over sized champagne bottle over Dez Bryant's head while under the guise of giving him a halftime handy J. Two hand job references in one post? Yep. Two hand job references in one post. That's how you know it's good...


Cleveland Browns (+2.5) vs Baltimore Ravens

Buffalo Bills (+3.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Houston Texans (+3.5) vs Indianapolis Colts

Now here's something special, for ya. The first ever RoochNation.com "Dumpster Fire Parlay of the Day". Do i really think all of these home underdogs are going to win? Of course I don't. But wouldn't it be extremely profitable if they did? Huh? Right? I'm also shadily on the Case Keenum bandwagon. Mostly because Michael Vick is a fragile prick. But I've also convinced myself this is one of those situations where the unheralded backup comes in and steals the job. So there's that...


Oakland Raiders (-2.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

'Unlce Interweb' let me down last week in his debut, picking the Lions to cover against the Cowboys. But he promises to make it up up to me this week when the Raiders place a bay side beat down on the Shady McCoy & The Fightin' Foles'...

I don't buy Foles as a starting QB. So there's that. But even if I did, I'd probably still take the Raiders and their underrated defense in this spot more often than not. Terrelle Pryor has been grabbing all the headlines, and he's been real good. But check this. Outside the 37 they gave at Denver, the Oakland defense hasn't allowed more than 24 to anyone they've faced. I know, right? That's pretty damn good. And I don't expect that to change in the face of an offense that's only slowed down since the season's opening snap...

Besides. Oakland has a black QB and Pihlly has a white one. So it's just science, really...


Carolina Panthers (-7) vs Atlanta Falcons

Speaking of black QBs trying to make sure whitey doesn't keep them down, I like the odds of Cam Newton (black) and his backfield cast of thousands taking down a suddenly ancient Falcons team being captained by Matty Ryan (white). GranTed, this could be one of those "NFC South" spots in which I curse myself for thinking it looked to easy. But I'm a glutton for punishment. Oh, and again. Black QB. What? It's not racist if I  get the pick right, is it? Of course it's not. Unless you think it's racist towards white peeps. In which case I don't care. Those crackers could use a little racism. Cut them down a peg or two...

Here's the rest of the slate...

Tennessee Titans (-3) @ St. Louis Rams

New York Jets (+6.5) vs New Orleans Saints

San Diego Chargers (-1) @ Washington Redskins

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+17.5) @ Seattle Seahawks


Monday Night

Green Bay Packers (-11) vs Chicago Bears

With Jay Cutler dying of diabetes, or whatever it is that's keeping him out, I'm now officially OFF of the Bears bandwagon. Which is for the best, really. Because nearly everyone I've ever met from Chicago has been a shady thief. Whether we're talking about the kid that lied about graduating from college, or the one that created a fake Yahoo account for this brother so he could cheat and collude at fantasy baseball...only to lose anyway, and then refuse to pay for the league citing the fact that I was a "dick". He also used to the term "padna bro" in many instances during our interaction. Mostly because he thought he was black. What he didn't realize, though. Is it that "Teds" can come in all colors. Or maybe he did realize that, and that's why he got a tattoo of his recent girlfriend's name (no longer) in massive lettering across his chest. Ouch. Let's just hope her name wasn't "Steaming Dump". Because that would just be awkward. And by "awkward", I obviously mean incredibly appropriate...


Last Week: 9-7-0

Overall: 62-59-5 (.512)


Wide right, wide left. It doesn't matter. What matters about FSU/Miami is that it's usually the greatest gathering of tanned skin coeds that happens this side of Spring Break. And judging by the photo nearest above, they don't even have to be tan in order to be willing to get their party on. Though if you want some of that legendary "Nole Hole", as being flashed in the picture on top. I advise stalking the chicks that look like they've spent more than their fair share of time cutting up cocaine on the top of a tanning bed. Otherwise, you're likely to end up getting a handy J in the back of a station wagon from a chick that nearly knelt down in a....what is that, a danish? Well, whatever. That's 3 hand job references. THREE! And that's a magic number...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(7) Miami (+22) @ (3) Florida St.

(8) Auburn (-8.5) @ Arkansas

Virginia (+16.5) vs (9) Clemson

Tennessee (+11.5) @ (10) Missouri

Mississippi St. (+13) @ (14) South Carolina

Nevada (+21.5) @ (16) Fresno St.

(17) Oklahoma St. (+3) @ (15) Texas Tech

(21) Northern Illinois (-26) @ UMASS

Iowa (+9.5) vs (22) Wisconsin

(24) Michigan St. (-4.5) vs (23) Michigan



Last Week: 7-3-0

Overall: 39-34-3 (.533)


OK, Teds. Until next week...

#BAGSMUNMAN

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