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Friday, November 15, 2013

Week 11 Picks: Good Luck, Everybody Else!


Well, I've finally figured out what's worse than listening to former football players and baseball writers talk about hockey as if they've been following it since their youth. And it's those same Teds trying to stir up a debate on the virtues of tanking in the NBA (Coach K calls it "Un-American", I call it "wicked retahded"), while at the same time trying to discuss potential impact players from the college ranks, when they'd otherwise regularly laugh about how theirs is a sport that isn't worthy of their time. It's all rather embarrassing. Whether it's the NBA and it's laughable tank-inspiring system, OR the fact that the role of today's sports jock is merely to bounce from topic to topic like a Methed up ferret. OR, you know. The fact that they just turned this trick when the Bruins were suddenly relevant, and now seem to have made it into an actual blueprint for how to get things done. Which is far and away the most embarrassing part for those of us that clamor for local sports talk, but are forced to settle for national guys like Dan Patrick if we actually want to listen to people that know what they're talking about. Not that DP isn't the man, because he is. But there's nothing quite like great local sports talk...

Sparty on, Mateen!
And, yes. Twitter is great. We all love Twitter. And it can be a very useful tool in terms of a LIVE radio show. But I'd rather see a show bring on an allegedly educated and informed guest if they want to go beyond the scope of their expertise, rather than ignorantly theorize just because that's what the masses are clamoring for on the various social networks. Twitter chief among them, seeing as most you can easily picture most jocks merely reading their timelines as you listen to them on the radio. And I get it. You talk about what's trending, and that's how you pump up the ratings. But catering to the loudest common denominator won't get you anywhere worth being. We all know they aren't really "listening", anyway. Because if they were, they would have blasTed you when "Mateen Cleaves" was the only player on Michigan St. you could name. I mean, he left there 13 years ago. But sure...

There's a silver lining to this shit filled sack, though. Because if I'm bitching about how the Boston sports jocks aren't meeting my elitist standards in terms of talking college hoops, that at least means that the college basketball season has actually begun. Right? And while I won't be releasing a Top 25 poll until the new year, I was excited to finally see some of the big boys officially kick off the new season with the Champions Classic in Chicago. Unfortunately, if that pair of games were any indication, the upcoming season might be all for naught if the Kansas Jayhawks continue to play at the level they exhibited on Tuesday night...

Michigan St. and Duke were impressive, too. Don't get me wrong. While Kentucky looked more like they did a year ago than the Anthony Davis team that cut down the nets (though Randle is a MAN. There's no doubting that). But between Andrew Wiggins, Perry Ellis and Wayne Selden Jr, Kansas should prove too explosive and efficient for any of those other top tier teams to handle. Especially Eliis, that smooth bastard. He just makes it look so easy. Which is all the more impressive considering he really only burst onto the scene about 3/4 of the way through last season...

I mean, I don't wanna call this annually epic, season long race over before it's even really begun. But, yeah. I can't help but feel like Bill Self and friends are in the driver's seat. And I don't mean that in a "they have control of their own destiny" sort of way. I mean it in an Asian woman changing lanes on a major highway sort of way...



Yeah. Good luck everybody else, indeed. And good luck to all of you wrestling with this week's football picks. And good luck to the Celtics? I hope they...lose?

Yeah, OK. Whatever you say, "fans of the sport". Enjoy...

Week 11 Picks

New York Jets (+1) @ Buffalo Bills

Ed Reed's brother died a few years back. Drowned while being chased by the cops, if memory serves. I took to calling him "Dead Reed". It's wildly insensitive and  inappropriate, but I'm a wildly insensitive and inappropriate kind of guy. And besides, that won't even be close to the worst thing said about Reed and his new team on Monday if they get upset by the Bills coming off their bye week. Francesa might need two Diet Coke's to handle that workload. Especially since you know he's bound to spill at least one of them...

(BEST GIF EVER)

But they'll probably win. Even if this line almost looks shady enough for me to want to take the Bills. Damn! OK, tie breaker. I'll pick the Dead Reed's brother's new squad. See? Soul cleansed. Karma, all evened out. Ahhhhh, yes. Feels good to be at peace with the universe...


Washington Tedskins (+3.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles are 0-4 at home, this season. Both straight up AND against the spread. Sooooo, yeah! Science! Or math. Yeah, this is probably more like one of those math deals. So, yeah. Thanks for the money, nerds. Good looks on all that modern technology, too. Much appreciaTed...


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

Jacksonville Jaguars (+7.5) vs Arizona Cardinals

Little bit of a dumpster fire duet, going on here. But I'll take the 2 home teams with the points, considering none of the 4 have ever shown anything remotely resembling consistency so far this season. That, and when you search for "dumpster fire falcon" on Google Images, one of the first results is a picture of Bucs coach Greg Schiano. And yet not a single picture of a flaming bird. So, yeah...


Kansas City Chiefs (+8.5) @ Denver Broncos

New Orleans Saints (-3) vs San Francisco 49ers

Everyone is hyping these games as the ones that will help define the power structure in their respective conferences. Now, savs like us know that's a bunch of bullshit, and that these two games likely won't factor in at all when everything is said and done. But hype isn't always a bad thing. And these should be two of the best games of the weekend. As far as my thought process behind the picks. I like Fat Andy Reid and his immaculate record coming off the bye (like 12-1, or some shit) and I like New Orleans at home against a 49er team that may very well appear to be going through a late season stutter step. It's entirely possible I take SF (+3) in this spot come playoff time. But after last week's poor showing at home against a good defense, I don't like their chances against an equally good defense on the road...


Green Bay Packers (+5.5) @ New York Giants

I thought I'd be slick, this week. And I grabbed the Giants D to start against the Packers 3rd string QB for a fantasy team that's fighting for the virtual playoffs. Thought a defensive unit coming off back to back 20+ point fantasy performances would be a good bet against a QB whose name (Tolzien?) sounds more like a prescription drug than the moniker of a respectable signal caller. So, why take the Packers? Because the Giants aren't really that good. They're D should score well, because they'll probably find the end zone on a turnover. But I'm sure Eli will reciprocate, and said reciprocation will likely lead to the Packers grabbing at least a backdoor cover...


Here's the rest of the slate, and my abbreviaTed take on it. The Browns are sneaky good, man. Combine that with the Bengals being sneaky bad, and you've you yourself...The Battle For Ohio? Yep. The Battle For Ohio. Pretty sure the loser wins, if you know what I mean. And you do...

Chicago Bears (-3) vs Baltimore Ravens

Cleveland Browns (+5.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Detroit Lions (-2) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Oakland Raiders (+7.5) @ Houston Texans

San Diego Chargers (-1) @ Miami Dolphins

Seattle Seahawks (-12) vs Minnesota Vikings


Monday Night

New England Patriots (+2.5) @ Carolina Panthers

If I'm picking Fat Andy as a road dog because of his great record coming off a bye, I'd be wicked retahded guy if I didn't side with Belichick and the Pats using that same logic. So, there it is. And even thoug I'll be rooting for the Patriots to win, a 1-2 point loss might actually prove ideal. Mostly because I have a friend that's contemplating driving the 15+ hours to the game, and I'd get a good chuckle picturing him having to make that 15+ hour drive home while being angry and undoubtedly hungover. Again. Insensitive and inappropriate. But whatever. I did the Rick Reilly, and asked someone else whose already done that if they thought if would be OK for me to rip on this other guy. And he said it was OK. He said all the "Dead Reed" stuff was chill, too. So there...


Last Week: 10-4-0

Overall: 79-70-5 (.536)


I always try to give the "smart schools" some props in the form of scantily clad coeds when their teams actually play well. But dammit if those intelligent bastards didn't cleanse the web of anyone possibly rocking their gear while showing a little skin. Hence why I've had to use this topless backpack chick like 5 times over the years, and why the stripper in Sox gear posing at a horse track(?) came up in a search for girls from Duke. Meanwhile, you type in "Roll Tide" and "thong" in the same search and you're lucky if the results don't simultaneously put you on a pederast watch list and a mailing list for MethPeopleMeet.com. Which isn't really a website. It's just what they call Denny's once you get south of Charlotte...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Alabama (-24.5) @ Mississippi St.

(4) Baylor (-27) vs Texas Tech

(5) Stanford (-3.5) @ USC

(7) Auburn (-3.5) vs (25) Georgia

(13) UCLA (-2.5) vs Washington

Nebraska (+6.5) vs (14) Michigan St.

Temple (+17.5) vs (15) UCF

Houston (+16) @ (19) Louisville

(21) Arizona St. (-13.5) vs Oregon St.

Duke (+3) vs (24) Miami


Last Week: 6-4-0

Overall: 50-43-3 (.536)


Hope you enjoyed, friends. And I'll catch you next week...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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