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Friday, November 08, 2013

Week 10 Picks: That's Enough, Pilgrim...


So, yeah. Really glad the only definitive statements I made in my rant earlier this week were that the Dolphin front office was inept, and that Richie Ingocnito was just generally a scumbag and likely a racist. Because with each passing moment, it becomes less and less clear what the Hell is actually going on down there. Whatever it is, the front office has certainly done a shit job of handling it. And Incognito's track record alone proves that he's lacking any admirable character traits. But the responses of the Dolphin players and coaches over the past 48 hours have only further muddied a situation that wasn't exactly crystal clear to begin with...

I mean, is it possible that Jonathan Martin is just a nut job that went off the edge? Sure, that's possible. But it's also possible that the average NFL meat head is just that big of an ignorant dick that he wouldn't even recognize actual bullying when he saw it. And right now, I'd have to lean in that direction. Because even if Martin was allegedly sharing the infamous epithet laced voice mail with teammates while laughing, that still jives with the behavior of someone being picked on. At least it does when coupled with all of the other alleged allegations. You know, like the text message from a teammate that allegedly said the player in question was going to rape Martin's sister...

SO, yeah. We might not know exactly what's going on there, and it doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon. But I do think it's safe to say that, whatever the Hell is unfolding, it's due in no small part to a complete institutional failure on the part of the Miami Dolphins. And seeing as I don't really consider it any sort of "news" that the Dolphins are completely inept, OR that the average NFL locker room is full of guys that are so smart that they just realized that being hit in the head might not be good for their brain. Then I'm just going to let this thing play out until there are actual facts on the table, and we've actually heard from all parties involved. Otherwise, any analysis or commentary just becomes unnecessary and reckless speculation. And ain't nobody got time for that...

Except for right now, of course. As I will now needlessly and recklessly speculate as to who's going to win this week's football games. But that's different. You know, because I'm not a racist meat head...

Enjoy...

Week 10 Picks

Chicago Bears (+2.5) vs Detroit Lions

No Patriots, this week. So I figured I'd begin with the other team that I've been sweating since the start of the season. And when better to sweat them than on the weekend when they're not only getting points at home, but they're also expected to get back the services of a certain smoking pilgrim. Yeah, I know Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away. But I figure the return of such a John Wayne like figure deserves an image that will prompt me, and others like me, to want to say the word "pilgrim" in our best John Wayne voice. "Hello, pilgrim. It's the return of Jay Cutler, pilgrim. Now let the woman go, pilgrim. Because while I may look out of shape, I'm gonna get you in the end with surprisingly little effort...pilgrim"...


Baltimore Ravens (+1.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

The Ravens aren't any good. And I'm not here to try and convince you otherwise. But with the Bengals having to go on the road, on a short week, and against a divisional opponent that's very familiar with their philosophy and personnel. I can't very well endorse them as a road favorite. Even if the spread only is a point and a half. Baltimore needs this win more, too. So there's always that...


San Francisco 49ers (-6) vs Carolina Panthers

The 49ers are probably the best team in football, right now. And they're about to better, with the return of both Mario Manningham and Michael Crabtree. But that shouldn't really matter, seeing as the only west coast team that anyone seems to be paying any attention to is the Seattle Seahawks. Seattle's getting a receiver back too, in Percy Harvin. But they're still a running team that can pass. The Niners are on the verge of having a complete offense. One that should make them a significant favorite to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl for the second consecutive year...


Philadelphia Eagles (+1) @ Green Bay Packers

Riley Cooper loves him some Richie Incognito. Loves him some Nick Foles, too. Richie's knocked him off the "NFL white racist de jour" podium, and Foles is not only tossing him touchdowns, but then going out of his way to tell the media that Riley has "overcome a lot". Overcome a lot, huh? IF you say so, Nich-o-las (said as Rory Breaker, obviously). Though if I were you, I'd advise against saying the word "come" too often when in reference to a person when it's well documented that you've had your face jammed in their crotch. Just a piece of friendly advice. Oh, and I'd just stop talking, too. Anything with your mouth, really. Just stop...


Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) vs Houston Texans

Denver Broncos (-7) @ San Diego Chargers + OVER 56.5

I do't pick against Peyton Manning coming off of a bye, and I don't pick in favor of a team whose last game involved an epic collapse. Pun intended...

Although I will admit that my "Working too hard can give you a Kubi-ak-ak-ak-ak-ak ak. He outta know by now" tweet may have been a little insensitive. Mostly because I sent it out before he was even finished being wheeled off the field. Whatever, if you hear it in "context" then it's really not that bad at all. Right, Miami? Oh, sorry. Didn't realize you guys were in the middle of a Mensa meeting. I'll try back later...


New Orleans Saints (-7) vs Dallas Cowboys

The folks over at Yahoo fantasy sports seem to think that Tony Romo is going to get "Blasted On Bourbon Street". And I'd love nothing more than to disagree with them, the best I can do is mock their headline. Personally, I would have gone with "Get Ready For A Good Ole Fashioned Beat Off!: No Romo...". But I can see how that may have been deemed a bit too risque. Either way, I've learned the hard way that you never bet against New Orleans at home during prime time. I mean, I might not exactly have "statistics" to back that up. But ever since they shocked Mike Vick and friends in that post Katrina situation, I've been a believer...

Whoa! Lookin good there, Icebox. And way to make sure Google Images is somehow stocked
with cleave shots and pictures of you in a bra. Rick Moranis would be proud...and likely aroused...if he's not dead. 

Here's the rest of the slate. Including that other team from the west coast, and my unwillingness to spot 7 points to a 2-6 New York Giants team that features Peyton "The Icebox" Hillis in the backfield. Looks like he's doing the "Great White Hop" when he tries to hit the hole, am I right? Yeah, OK. I'll stop...

Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) @ Atlanta Falcons

Jacksonville Jaguars (+12.5) @ Tennessee Titans

St. Louis Rams (+10.5) @ Indianapolis Colts

Oakland Raiders (+7) @ New York Giants

Buffalo Bills (+3.5) @ Pittsburhg Steelers


Monday Night

Miami Dolphins (-2.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Ever intentionally watch an entire Monday Night Football game on MUTE? No? Well, you have now...

RICHIE RICHIE N WORD RICHIE LOCKER ROOM LOCKER ROOM MARTIN MARTIN MARTIN!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Last Week: 7-7-0

Overall: 69-66-5 (.519)


Freakin' Bama even dominates when it comes to Google Image searches for their scantily clad fans with a penchant for side boob. Probably because, just like with their roster, the whole lot of them are already pros. OH! POLE TIDE!!!

Get it? Stripper pole? Pole Tide? Yeah, you get it. Because they're hookers...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Alabama (-12.5) vs (10) LSU

(7) Auburn (-7.5) @ Tennessee

(11) Texas A&M (-19.5) vs Mississippi St.

Virginia Tech (+7.5) @ (14) Miami

Arizona (-1) vs (16) UCLA

Houston (+11.5) @ (19) UCF

(21) Wisconsin (-7.5) vs BYU

Utah (+7) vs (23) Arizona St.

(24) Notre Dame (-3.5) @ Pittsburgh

(25) Texas Tech (-3) vs Kansas St.


Last Week: 5-5-0

Overall: 44-39-3 (.529)


So, there you have it friends. Enjoy the football this weekend, and I'll catch you on the flipman. Or on Twitter. Which I would have made a lot of money on yesterday, if they actually let Teds like me get in on the IPO. But they don't. So here I am. A penniless Ted. Which is probably for the best. Probably just blow all that money getting a "Tuscaloosa Tugboat" from one of those ladies above, anyway. Not that the proposed act would actually cost that much, but they'd probably stab me and steal the rest as they ran naked out of the Howard Johnson's yelling ROLL TIDE at the top of their lungs. And then they'll waste it all on tattoos and Meth. Ah, yes. The circle of life. It really is quite the miracle...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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