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Friday, October 11, 2013

Week 6 Picks: CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, BANANA!


So the good news is that the Tigers beat the A's to advance to play the Red Sox in the ALDS. That's also the bad news. Bad, because they're arguably the most complete team in baseball with the most dominant front line pitching. But good news because it means the Red Sox magical season can't possibly end at the hands of Cocaine Crisp and the Oakland A's. Sorry, A's fans. No (inevitable and undeserving) disrespect intended, but I'd much rather my team be the perceived underdog. Last thing I want is for this season to end on what could be termed as a choke job. Not saying it still couldn't happen within an actual game, or whatever. Bill Buckner and such. But I'm just more comfortable with the feeling that should this run happen to end in the ALCS, that it won't be ended by a group of no name rookies and Red Sox retreads. Oh, right. And they've got a Cuban guy in there somewhere. AH YES! CUBAN B!!!...

Call it loser talk, if you'd like. But it's just a mindset. And it makes me feel better thinking this way, even if I know I don't really believe it. So leave me be. Cuban B, if you will. And if you won't, well then I don't think I've got anything for ya. Unless you merely came looking for this week's NFL and NCAA picks. In which case I've got you covered. Pun intended. At least in hindsight...

Now let's go!

Week 6 Picks

New Orleans Saints (+2.5) @ New England Patriots

I almost always get burned in these types of games, but apparently I just can't help myself. And how am I expecTed to when I see Cameron Jordan up there going all Ray Lewis in front of a ball of flames? And don't you think it's weird that guys named both Cameron Jordan and Jordan Cameron are simultaneously experiencing breakout seasons? Because I know I do. I'm also hoping that Jordan Cameron has a brother named Newton, that will also one day find his way to the NFL. That sounds like a cool name. Could call himself "NewCam". It would be a whole thing. That's a really white name, though. Almost so white that it becomes black. Like a black man named 'Leslie' or 'Stacy'. Then again, if they named one of their sons 'Jordan' I don't exactly hate my chances that they would have named another one 'Newton'. Whatever. Possibly racist coincidences blah blah blah...


Pittsburgh Steelers (+2.5) @ New York Jets

I like betting against favorites coming off a short week, and I love betting against favorites that have seen the line move 6 points in their favor based strictly off of their latest result. Even if I have to side with a pack of towel waiving Yinzers that consider Methamphetamine a performance enhancing drug. Freakin' Walter White is like Dr. James Andrews to those toothless blowhards. Or maybe it's the fans in Philly that think that. Whatever. Mostly Teddsylvania. YINZER YINZER YINZER CHEESESTEAK!


Green Bay Packers (-2) @ Baltimore Ravens

Probably wrestled with this pick the most, this week. But ultimately I decided that the Ravens are just too shady to trust at such a small number. They haven't been able to run the ball effectively all year, and despite the fact that their offense figures to be the healthiest it's been all season, the Packers should prove too much to handle offensively for any of that to really matter. Even if the Pack still didn't look their usual selves in coming off their bye last week and beating a Megatron-less Detroit squad...


Jacksonville Jaguars (+28) @ Denver Broncos

St. Louis Rams (+7.5) @ Houston Texans

It's not my intent to smear the decent reputations of the Colts and Titans, but the AFC South is a freaking dumpster fire. I mean, so is the NFC East, but those are teams that people with indoor plumbing actually care about. So that doesn't count. That being said, I'm not taking anyone as a 27 point favorite that isn't playing against a team with a directional word in it's name. Southeastern Jacksonville Tech? Sign me up. Otherwise, I'll play the sucker and lay those delicious points...

As for Schaub and the Texans. I'd normally love to take them in this spot as a prime bounce back candidate. Btu between Owen Daniels going down, Andre Johnson being dinged up, and Matt Schaub in the midst of one of the most Matt Schaub-y seasons anyone's ever seen. I can't in good faith take them to win by more than a score. Even if their playing a team that's winless this year against teams not named Jacksonville or Arizona...


Washington Tedskins (+5.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

And here's your Sunday Night shocker special. You just know the Cowboys won't be able to let last week's last second loss to the Broncos go, and that combined with a divisional opponent coming off a bye seems a recipe for a Texas sized disaster. Dallas has looked real good, in the early going. But that's all the more reason for them to start Teddin' it up out of nowhere. Then Murray will break his foot, Dez will start to pout, the Giants come out of nowhere to win the division, and Jason Garrett ultimately gets fired. Next thing you know, BAM! Michael Irvin is coaching the Cowboys, and Jon Gurden is marveling over how "CRACK PIPE SPLIT BANANA" is the name of a play. "Who's the Crack Pipe, Mike? I bet it's that guy Dez. Somethin' about the number 88, man. THAT GUY! THIS GUY! CRACK CRACK CRACK!...BANANA!"...(Gruden explodes, covering Tirico in Red Bull, guts, and for some reason a chewed off piece of a Tony Stewart beer cozy)


Buffalo Bills (+7.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Cleveland Browns (+3) vs Detroit Lions* (I'd take Detroit if Megatron plays)

Oakland Raiders (+9.5) @ Kansas City Chiefs

Carolina Panthers (+2.5) @ Minnesota Vikings

Philadelphia Eagles (-1) @ Tamp Bay Buccaneers

Seattle Seahawks (-13) vs Tennessee Titans

San Francisco 49ers (-11) vs Arizona Cardinals


Monday Night

Indianapolis Colts (-1.5) @ San Diego Chargers

Let's see. Will Renaissance Rivers spit the bit in the first real spotlight game of his much celebrated career revival? Why yes. Yes he will. Though if this were a Sunday afternoon game, I'd definitely take the Chargers getting points against anyone traveling a west a week off of their biggest and most emotional win of the season. Monday is the factor, here. And the fact that Phil Rivers is still, in all likelihood, the recklessly aggressive Big Philly Style we've come to know and love. Seriously, though. You could be a Nobel prize winner and create a single pill that cures all diseases, and there would still be no getting passed having once being caught making that face. What's he doing, up there, anyway? A Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor impression???...

That was your chance to say, "I don't think so, Rooch". I hope you took advantage. Because you won't be able to say it after these picks all come through. OH!


Last Week: 6-8-0

Overall: 35-39-4 (.474)

 

My college picks have been almost as bad as my NFL picks, this year. Which is as unusual as it is unfortunate. Thankfully, that means I'm due. It's just science. Like the science used to put together that Oregon cheerleading squad. Not sure where the black chick is, though. Unless that spicy number in the middle qualifies as "black" in the Pacific northwest. Whatever. Science. Trust it. It works...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
Kentucky (+28.5) vs (1) Alabama

(2) Oregon (-14) @ (14) Washington

(5) Stanford (-9) @ Utah

Mississippi (+6) vs (9) Texas A&M

(10) LSU (-7) vs (17) Florida

(12) Oklahoma (-14) vs Texas (Cotton Bowl)

Arkansas (+6) vs (14) South Carolina

Penn St. (+2) vs (18) Michigan

(19) Northwestern (+11) @ Wisconsin

Pittsburgh (+9) @ (24) Virginia Tech


Last Week: 5-8-0

Overall: 21-22-2 (.489)


Catch you next time, Teds. And go Red Team...


#BAGSMUNMAN

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