Friday, September 20, 2013

Week 3 Picks: Try Not To Blow It...

What a difference 48 hours makes, huh? Just a few days ago I was tossing about humble brags in regards to my fantasy football team, and one vintage Vick performance later, I'm wondering if my team will ever win again. Not to mention my once thriving fantasy baseball team is plummeting and my golf team is holding on for dear life. But, hey. That's how these things work, right?. Sometimes you're flush, sometimes you're bust, and sometimes all you're left with is lousy quotes from old Johnny Depp movies...

...that one was from Blow, in case you missed it. And speaking of cocaine...OK, I don't really have a segue ready for that. But let's see if we can't make enough money this week so we could actually afford some, should the mood strike...

Let's pick some winners, friends. Enjoy...

Week 3 Picks

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+8) @ New England Patriots

The Bucs are a mess, but could easily be 2-0 (they're 0-2). And the Patriots are a mess, could easily be 0-2, yet are somehow 2-0. That's the reasoning behind why I'm taking Tampa and the points. Even if this is typically a spot where the Patriots blow someone out, thus encouraging me to unsuccessfully pick them as favorites for the next couple weeks. Yeah, it's a vicious cycle. But it has to start somewhere...

Miami Dolphins (-1) vs Atlanta Falcons

Wasn't high on either team before the season, and neither's play to this point has done much to change my mind. OK, maybe that Miami win @ Indy was surprising/impressive. Either way, the Falcons are too dinged up (White, Jackson, a few key defenders) to trust as a road dog. Even if that road trip only had them traveling through the Meth Belt. AKA....baaahhh, you know where I'm talking about...

Minnesota Vikings (-5.5) vs Cleveland Browns

Indianapolis Colts (+10.5) @ San Francisco 49ers

I always find it funny when fans can't believe that a new coach or GM would want to do things drastically different than their unsuccessful predecessor. Mostly because, if anyone can relate to knee jerk reactions AND wanting things done their very specific way, it's a freaking fan! Not saying trading Trent Richardson was a good move, not saying it's a bad move. But it was obviously a bold move. And I can't fault anybody from making a bold move. Even if they are making said move from a run down shit hole known as "The Mistake By the Lake"...

Carolina Panthers (-1) vs New York Giants

In Carolina, where I'm not sure what their city's derogatory nickname is, I like the Giants to hit rock bottom before eventually starting their ascent to the top of the NFC East. You know, like they normally do? 0-3 sounds like a good place to start. Not like the Cowboys, Eagles or Redskins are going anywhere, anyway...

Arizona Cardinals (+8) @ New Orleans Saints

The Saints have only scored 39 points in their first two wins. Yeah, let that sink in. The Saints are 2-0, yet have only scored 19-20 points per game. So, what does that mean? That they're due for an offensive explosion, OR that they just aren't as potent as in year's past? Well, I'm thinking it's the latter. And while the Cardinals may not be ideally suited to capitalize on the Saints' deficiencies, neither were the Falcons or Bucs. But that didn't stop either of them from covering this number against New Orleans in the first two weeks...

Green Bay Packers (-2) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sucks that Cincy is coming off a short week against a division rival. Otherwise, I would have loved them in this spot. They pressure the quarterback, they can score in bunches. But, alas. The short week will do them in. They'll get to Rodgers, they just won't get him down. And there's nothing more detrimental to your defense's chances for success than a mobile Aaron Rodgers that isn't being hit...  

Thanks, but I don't need a Sidekick....yeah, or a new data plan...Guy,
you're officially in line with me at the pretzel joint, now...

Chicago Bears (-2) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

The other team on the short week is about to hit rock bottom. AND HARD. And in front of the weekend's most watch game, no less. Oh, and if I sound exciTed it's because I am. I hate the fucking Steelers, man (said as The Dude hating the Eagles). And unlike most, my hate actually has nothing to do with Roethlisberger. I mean, he's a huge Ted. There's no doubting that. But my disdain is for the Pittsburgh fans. And I don't really have any great reason as to why. I mean, I did know this one huge Ted in college who was a Steeler fan. But that can't be it, can it? Nah, because I never liked them when Cowher was the coach. So that Ted's off the hook. Well, whatever the non reasons. They're all Teds, and I can't wait for their shady near dynasty to burn like the coal that I assume poisons all of the air those rat bastards breathe. Then their coach can go back to his Virgin Mobile mall kiosk and return to harassing passers by about their cellular plan while slapping a brochure and wearing a Bluetooth...

What? That's not racist. Dude looks like EVERY guy I've ever seen doin' that. That's not me, man. That's society. THAT'S YOU! Yeah. So think about THAT! You racist bastards...

Ed Reed, huh? If you say so, Google Images...
Here's the rest of the slate. I cheated a bit by only taking the OVER in the Detroit/Washington game, and I refuse to take a team favored by 19, even if I think they're likely to win by 21+. So, you know. Full shady disclosure...

Dallas Cowboys (-4) vs St. Louis Rams

Detroit Lions @ Washington Tedskins OVER 47.5

Buffalo Bills (+2) @ New York Jets

Jacksonville Jaguars (+19.5) @ Seattle Seahawks

San Diego Chargers (+3) @ Tennessee Titans

Houston Texans (-2) @ Baltimore Ravens

Monday Night
This reaction is part Michael Jordan, part UUUGGGHG DERP DERP DERP...

Denver Broncos (-14) vs Oakland Raiders

To finish the week off, most are expecting a blowout that sees the Broncos running down the clock for the majority of the second half. And while I don't see the Raiders folding quite that easily, I can be counted among the masses that think this Denver passing game is too good to be stopped. Especially at home...

It should work out well, too. Because after Denver puts on another show, and the Pats barely squeak another one out., then at least the sports jocks in Boston will have something (WELKAHHH!) other than hockey to talk about. Unless of course the town's baseball team suddenly becomes interesting. I mean, what a boring bunch...

Last Week: 8-7-1

Overall: 13-17-2 (.438)

Not a big slate of legitimate games this week, but that's OK. LSU is playing, and their presence allows me to bust out the pic of my favorite fans for the first time all season. Love these girls. Wonder what they're up to, these days? Married? Single? Pregnant, and dolling out handy Js behind a dumpster in the parking lot of the "club" they used to "dance" at? The possibilities are really endless/it's definitely the last one...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(5) Stanford (-7) vs (23) Arizona St.

(6) LSU (-16.5) vs Auburn

(19) Florida (-17) vs Tennessee

Michigan St. (+5) @ (22) Notre Dame

Purdue (+24) @ (24) Wisconsin

Last Week: 3-4-1

Overall: 8-7-1 (.531)



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