Well, I'm that kind of degenerate. Probably the reason why I'm up this early after working a 13 hour shift until nearly 3 in the morning. That's right. You feel like a terrible person for making fun of my fantasy golf team now, don't you? Realizing the time and effort I put in to help you out free of charge. No? OK. Well then you can just go ahead and fornicate yourself with an iron rod (I was tempted to say you could "Argo-fuck yourself, there. But I don't want to give that mediocre flick any more pub than it's already received. Though Alan Arkin did slay in the limiTed time he was on the screen). Not like 'Bags' Birdie Brigade' needs your support, anyway. You rat bastards...
Either way. You've probably already scrolled past all of this nonsense to get to the picks, anyway. So let's have at it...
Week 2 Picks
Green Bay Packers (-6.5) vs Washington Tedskins* (*DOWN WITH RACISM!!!)
Which will completely fall apart first? RGIII's surgically repaired leg OR Sports Illustrated's "story" about rampant drug use and "pay for play" at Oklahoma St.?
I don't have the answer, but both will be going down sooner rather than later. Freakin' SI. OMG COLLEGE KIDS ARE SMOKING WEED! AND WE SHOULD GET A NOTORIOUS OKLAHOMA HOMER TO WRITE A SMEAR CAMPAIGN ABOUT OKLAHOMA ST!!!
I have no skin in that game, but wow. What happened? Did ESPN buyout SI when I wasn't looking? And if so, does that mean Rick Reilly is President now? If so, I'll be eagerly awaiting the piece he eventually writes on the backside of the Declaration of Independence in which he expounds on how people need to watch more tennis...
Indianapolis Colts (-3) vs Miami Dolphins
I wasn't buying the Dolphins as legit before the season, and their "win" last week at Cleveland didn't do much to alter my thinking. And while Andrew Luck and friends had a harder time than expecTed with Terrelle Pryor and the Raiders, I still like their chances to cover only a 3 point spread in their own joint...
New York Giants (+4.5) vs Denver Broncos
Speaking of joints. Apparently there's a new strain of ganj in the weed-o-sphere known as "Peyton Manning". Seems cooler than you'd think, though. As any frequent purchaser of buds could tell you that the name usually has very little to do with the actual product, and is usually just a creation thought up by the dreaded out hipster from whose mason jar the buds were retrieved. Matter of fact, you can usually Kaiser Soze together the name from shit you see around the hipsters room:
"Oh yeah? You call it 'Pink Snatch', huh? Yeah, I'm sure that has nothing to do with the Pink Floyd and Snatch posters you have hanging on your wall. And also. Gross, dude. But you said $50, right...?"
New Orleans Saints (-3) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs have already lost to the Jets AND their QB has had to answer questions as to whether or not there's a rift between himself and the head coach. It's week 2...
San Francisco 49ers (+3) @ Seattle Seahawks
I don't believe the 49ers are quite as good as they looked last week (they were aided by some blown calls), but I am of the opinion that they're the best team in football. And while I don't normally pick against Seattle at home, I don't usually pick against the best team in football when they're getting points, either...
And here are the rest. Including Chip Kelly and friends covering a rather large number just a week after being an underdog. Probably not the wisest pick, but I'm trying to ride that train until he gets all of his players killed with his uptempo style. Dude is the heroin of coaches, and it's really only a matter of time before his entire team has completely OD'd...at which point Nick Foles will play the John Travolta role to the team's Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction style). Which I guess would make LeSean McCoy either Eric Stoltz or that chick with all the shit in her face...
St. Louis Rams (+7) @ Atlanta Falcons
Carolina Panthers (-3) @ Buffalo Bills
Chicago Bears (-6) vs Minnesota Vikings
Dallas Cowboys (+3) @ Kansas City Chiefs
Philadelphia Eagles (-7.5) vs San Diego Chargers
Tennessee Titans (+9) @ Houston Texans
Arizona Cardinals (+1) vs Detroit Lions
Oakland Raiders (-5.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore Ravens (-7.5) vs Cleveland Browns
Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5) vs Shattstown Steelers
A lot of people have been waiting a few years for the Bengals to overtake the Steelers in the AFC North, and I'm thinking this is the year. Not just because the Bengals are a team on the cum, but mostly because the Steelers look like shit. It's not just because they lost to an improved Titans team, either. It's more like they've aged 10 years in one off season, and could easily be in for an entire season where they look slow and outmatched on a weekly basis...
Last Week: 5-10-1
Overall: 6-10-1 (.382)
ESPN's 50 for 50 presents: Little Nicky: How Johnny Manziel drove Nick Saban to become a psychotic murderer...
Either that, or Jeremy Piven stars as Saban in an HBO production chronicling how Manziel beat Saban and his Crimson Tide to the point where the coach went all Beautiful Mind meets "Son of Sam"...
That's all my way of saying I'm taking the Aggies. Don't really think they're going to win, especially now that Saban is extra pissed after getting grilled by reporters about allegations of pay for play under his watch. But I really want them to win, so I'm picking them. Jeremy Piven is gonna need that gig in 15 years, kids. I'm tellin' ya. So if you ever want to see him on TV again, then you're gonna want to be rooting for Texas A&M...
You should also listen to this song before watching Manziel. WALL OF FREAKING SOUND, MAN! BACK TO MONO! Phil Spector. What a genius. And by "genius", I mean gun crazed sexual deviant and wig connoisseur turned murderer. But man, could he produce a record. And I'm pretty sure that song will serve as the opening to that ultimate Piven jump off, as well. HBO always uses great music. And they already used that song in "Spector", so I know they've got it hangin' around...
MANZIEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, HE'S GOIN' PLATINUM!!!
OK, that was too much. But I really wanTed to work the title of the post in there. Even if it doesn't quite fit. So there it is...
NCAA Top 25 Picks
(6) Texas A&M (+9.5) vs (1) Alabama
(2) Oregon (-27) vs Tennessee
(5) Stanford (-28) @ Army
(7) Louisville (-13) @ Kentucky
(23) Nebraska (-4.5) vs (16) UCLA
Illinois (+10) vs (19) Washington
Arizona St. (-4.5) vs (20) Wisconsin
(21) Notre Dame (-20.5) @ Purdue
Last Week: 5-3-0