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Friday, September 06, 2013

Week 1 Picks: Upton At Them!!!


Well, I'm ready. Likewise, I'm pretty sure you're ready. Lord knows after last night that Peyton Manning and the Broncos are ready. And if me dreams are any indication, Kate Upton is always ready. So let's get to it. Oh, and just a little reminder as to how all this works:

You check in here every Friday-Saturday. Laud me for the picks I made that you agree with, criticize me for those that you don't. And then go make completely different picks all together over your myriad of gambling enterprises. Finally, at the end of the season you report that at least you "broke even", and then we all eagerly wait until we get to do it again next year...

We good? OK, great. Because next year is here. And it's time to break even. So, without further dudes. Let's break even in style...

Enjoy...


Week 1 Picks

New England Patriots (-9.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Naturally, I'm starting in New England. And while the large spread, their lack luster pre season and the fact they're on the road all served as good reasons not to pick them. I figured I'd roll with the Pats, anyway. Why? Well, because the Bills suck. And I'll continue to pick against them until they prove otherwise. That, and I think the 2013 Patriots will be defined for once by their semi-dominant defense. A group that should give rookie signal caller EJ Manuel fits all day...

Oh, and Manuel went to Florida St. You know, the place where elite high school talent goes to die? That means he's already been dead for a couple years, and that's good enough for me. Should be good (as in bad) enough for Bill B Hoodsworth and associates to take advantage and grab a convincing week 1 win, too...


Carolina Panthers (+3.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

Tennessee Titans (+7) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

First glimpse says I'm probably just picking Carolina and Tennessee because they have similar looking uniforms. And while that's a pleasant side effect (love me some powder-ish blue), my actiosn are actually steeped in a the greater belief that both of these teams are poised for bounce back seasons. Carolina because I believe in their defense, and Tennessee...well Tennessee mostly because they have the same colored jerseys as Carolina...

Doesn't hurt that I think both of their opponents are overrated, either. At least in terms of the point spread. Oh, and i don't care how trendy a pick they are. I still don't pick the Seahawks when they're coming east and getting points. It's a good trend to follow, even if I'm too lazy to produce any data to prove it...


Chicago Bears (-3) vs Cincinnati Bengals

I've got several fantasy teams that are all-in on Matt Forte, and a few more where Smokin' Jay Cutler figures prominently into the blueprints. Not sure what I was thinking, exactly. Jay Cutler being coached by someone whose only head coaching experience comes from the CFL? I mean, that just sounds like a bad joke. Yet, here we are...

I liked how the Bengals looked on Hard Knocks, too. So let's just chalk this up as me being a glutton for punishment and a fan of the Smoking Jay Cutler Tumblr page. Even if i'm still not completely sure what Tumblr is. And what's Reddit, for that matter? Other than a site that seems Hell bent on making me squint to read user generated interviews with B list celebrities...


Green Bay Packers (+4.5) @ San Francisco 49ers

Green Bay's offensive line is suspect, and San Fran still sports one of the best defenses in the league. But I still have a fantasy man crush on the 'Beard from the Bay'. He's not even on any of my teams, this year. But that bearded bastard led me to a lot money during his coming out campaign of 2009, and for that I'll be forever grateful...and likely biased...

But, whatever. Fuck Jim Harbaugh. I mean, who bitches about a blown call when they lose the Super Bowl to their brother? Someone who would stab each and every last one of us if it meant he was awarded one more timeout per game than his competitors, that's who. And you know what? I'm not down with stabbings. Not cool, coach. Not cool... #jawface


New Orleans Saints (-3) vs Atlanta Falcons

DISCLAIMER: I'm about as good at picking NFC South match ups as I am at maintaining a long term romantic relationships...

That being said. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO PAYTON BOUNTY GUMBO GUMBO. (hokey schtick courtesy of Drew Magary)


Dallas Cowboys (-3) vs New York Giants

Much like with Forte and Cutler, I'm all in this year with Dez Bryant. Yeah, I know. But it should at least make for good reading on your end when I lose my mind and start wondering how I became the first person in fantasy history to lose a player because he committed a murder while on the field. Not saying Dez Bryant has the look of a potential murderer, but I'm not saying he doesn't have that look, either. I don't know. Call me racist, but that looks like the mock high step of a man that I could easily see being forced to wear an orange jumpsuit. OR at the very least that white hospital number that guard from Shawshank let Denzel wear when he was serving time as Ruben "The Hurricane" Carter...

OK, so I'm probably racist.Whatever. As long as I'm not wrong about the outcome of this game... #priorities


Speaking of prison. I wouldn't trade half a pack of cigs for tickets to any of these games. Oh, and anyone betting on any of these things probably has an appointment with an Aryan for a Jesus Christ face-tat that in their near future. That's how you end up with the swastika eyelid tats, my friend. So tread lightly...


Cleveland Browns (pick) vs Miami Dolphins

St. Louis Rams (-4) vs Arizona Cardinals

Kansas Shitty Chiefs (+4) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Indianapolis Colts (-9.5) vs Oakland Raiders

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) @ New York Jets


Monday Night

Washington Redskins (-3.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Houston Texans (-4) @ San Diego Chargers

As for Monday. As long as Arian Foster and RGIII's legs don't break, both of their respective teams should have no problem cruising to victory. And while it would serve to my fantasy detriment (yep, I'm in bed with the Eagles #glutton), nothing would signal the return of an enjoyable NFL season more than a Vick injury/fumble and a Philip Rivers pick-6 (complete with his signature scowl) in the same night. Oh, and Twitter laughing it's ass off at how hilariously quickly the Eagles are going "3 & out" will help solidify the fact the nation's new favorite past time is back, as well...


Last Season: 171-120-9 (.585)

Overall: 951-606-56 (.607)


Think it's too early for the Old Ball Coach to start getting cock-y? Yeah, probably. But he's cocky all the time, so that doesn't really matter. And I only brought it up because it was equally obvious and sexually suggestive pun. So there...

For those new here, that's the extent of the "analysis" I'll typically give for a slate of college football games. May seem silly but COUGH :: RESULTS!! :: COUGH. Yeah, and you'll almost always get to sneak a peak at a scantily clad coed, too. So my picks at least have that goin' for them, which is nice...


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(2) Oregon (-22) @ Virginia

(3) Ohio St. (-28) vs San Deigo St.

(6) South Carolina (+3) @ (11) Georgia

Miami (+3) vs (12) Florida

(15) Texas (-7) @ BYU

(16) Oklahoma (-20.5) vs West Virginia

(17) Michigan (-3) vs (14) Notre Dame

(19) Northwestern (-12) vs Syracuse


Last Year: 96-56-3 (.614)

Overall: 544-340-22 (.613)


So, Teds. There you have it. Good luck on your journey towards the middle, and I'll catch you on the flipman...

Enjoy your weekend...

#BAGSMUNMAN

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