Wednesday, August 28, 2013

One Man's Fantasy...

I learned a lot of things, this week. OK, I only learned one thing. And it's that the kids these days like they're male singers to sound like chicks and dress like Foot Locker employees almost as much as they like their female singers to look and act like prepubescent boys. Maybe that's actually 2 things, I'm not sure. But seeing as I don't seem to be quite certain about anything, anymore. I won't even bother investigating that potential misstep any further...

What I will do is provide you with my usual commentary of all the things I've deemed a reasonable combination of timely and entertaining. And I promise that's pretty much all I've got on Miley, if you're one of the many that have taken this opportunity to go "Cold Twerky". Yeah, that's a phrase I created that I'm not even sure what it means. My vast knowledge of the Interweb tells me it works, though. So I'm goin' with it...


Quick reaction to what apparently was the biggest moment at the VMAs since...another former Disney star did the EXACT SAME THING about 13 years ago. Yeah. I've already seen Britney Spears pull this trick, going full stripper in a flesh colored thong-semble back at her peak at the turn of the century. I've already seen the likes of Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera go from zero to prosti-tot right before my eyes, too. And I'm sorry, but they were much more attractive (and dare I say talented?) than the one they call "Heinous Mantegna". OK, maybe only I call her that. But, yeah. She just doesn't do it for me. Never mind the fact that she can't even sing. I mean, when I first saw the video of her performance, I thought I was watching some sort of Jonathan Taylor Thomas impersonation contest circa 1995. Not that there's anything wro...nah, yeah. There would have been something very very wrong with that...

Whatever. I guess every generation needs their child-star turned Meth-ed up hooker. And now whatever generation claims her as their own has Miley Cyrus. So, yeah. Nothing to see here. Just another talent-less ass-clown being rewarded merely for being famous and wearing underwear in public. Moving on...

Speaking of ass-clowns. Keith Olbermann returned to ESPN this week, with the highly anticipated premier of his new talk show. Not calling Olbermann an ass-clown, per say. But his first guest and fellow recent ESPN hire, Jason Whitlock, once said that about former Deadspin editor, Will Leitch. And Leitch did a far better job than I ever could in summing up Olbermann, the enigmatic dynamo that helped mold the current sports broadcasting landscape, for better or worse. A snippet:
"To shoehorn in a tortured music analogy, Olbermann was Nirvana, and everyone else was Bush. Eventually, Bush started selling more records, and all the music started to suck."
It's unlikely I'll watch, simply due to my schedule. But I can't help agree with Leitch that, while very talented, Olbermann is probably still too complicated and naturally combative to make it work anywhere without eventually wearing out his welcome. Most bets in that case being placed on sooner rather than later...

Scenes like the one above are how i know I won't ever be on the same page as
the average Breaking Bad fan. They were nutting over the symbolism,
while I only merely  got a craving for Taco Bell...
That feeling of knowing you're going to be leaving earlier than most might think carries us right into the latest episode of Breaking Bad. You know, with Walter White walking the fine line between drug kingpin and family man and dying of cancer and whatnot...

This week's episode certainly helped move things along, but more so for the characters than the actual viewers. I mean, we already knew that Walt was a manipulative scumbag. Jesse getting confirmation was good to see, and a better option than having him unceremoniously shipped off to Alaska. But it wasn't necessarily a "holy shit" episode that the first installment of season 5's reboot led to me to believe all of the final episodes would be...

Was a pretty cool scene/move with Walt and the "confession", though. Got to give credit where credit is due. Though I'm still not nearly as impressed with every single aspect of this show like most of the fan boys and critics seem to be. Hank wearing a purple shirt is a big deal?! Seriously, I read two reviews that mentioned that fact prominently. Again, I'm all for foreshadowing and symbolism, but anything more than 2 shakes and you're just playing with yourself. Am I right? Yeah, I'm right. Purple freakin' shirt. Why don't you just blow up a double wide, already? Embarrassing...

Speaking of jerk offs with drug problems, apparently Rolling Stone is ready to release a piece about Aaron Hernandez (co authored by noted Belichick critic, Ron Borges, no less) in which it details his extensive angel dust use and how Urban Meyer (and knowing Borges, Bill Belichick) helped cover his violently sketchy tracks in order to take advantage of his talent. Pretty sure the entertainment mag is only doing the story so they can throw Aaron on the cover and feel smug when Boston based customers turn their story into a major talking point after making the stink about the Marathon bomber. But, whatever. Any drug that forced Smokey into a chicken coop should make for some good reading. And you know!!

I'm must admit I'm a little interested in how one could get hooked on angel dust, though. I mean, I'm a white kid from the suburbs. My only exposure to angel dust is that allegedly all the good weed being sold in high school was laced with it. Which it obviously wasn't. People were merely first realizing the difference between brick pack schwag and legitimate buds, and didn't want to admit they couldn't handle it. At least that's what I've been able to determine from my extensive research. That's right. I Jane Goodall'd it up. Lived with those Teds. Witnessed that revelation first hand...

Whatever. Angel dust. Sounds hilarious, in a very sad sorta way (kinda like Borges...). And while that usually makes for better TV, I'm sure it should suffice as the centerpiece of a decent expose as well...

As for the league that Hernandez used to call home, here are the the results I promised from my fantasy football draft. It's important to note that we trade draft picks in my league, so I'm missing a 4th and have an "extra" 6th & 7th.  And it should also be taken into consideration that we have 14 teams, and get 6 points for passing touchdowns. Take a look...

1.(10)Matt Forte(Chi - RB)
2.(19)Dez Bryant(Dal - WR)
3.(38)Pierre Garcon(Was - WR)
4.(66)DeSean Jackson(Phi - WR)
5.(82)Michael Vick(Phi - QB)
6.(84)Golden Tate(Sea - WR)
7.(92)Jermichael Finley(GB - TE)
8.(94)Mark Ingram(NO - RB)
9.(122)Knowshon Moreno(Den - RB)
10.(131)Fred Davis(Was - TE)
11.(150)Jay Cutler(Chi - QB)
12.(159)Roy Helu(Was - RB)
13.(178)Jon Baldwin(SF - WR)
14.(187)Jason Avant(Phi - WR)
15.(206)Minnesota(Min - DEF)
16.(215)Blair Walsh(Min - K)
17.(234)Donald Brown(Ind - RB)
My strategy was mostly to gamble (not having that 4th round pick) and select the guys with the strangest first names. Hence Dez, Pierre, DeSean, Golden Jermichael and Knowshon. I'm also buying into Mike Vick and Chip Kelly, but hedging with Jay Cutler. Oh, and I would have taken Matt Forte as high as 3. Not sure if the Bears are going to be any good, but I do think they're going to score a lot of points with their new CFL coach. And where Forte sometimes gets robbed at the goal line, I think he can more than make up for as one of the few every down backs to be prominently featured in his team's passing game...

Unfortunately, I'm not able to provide you with an Alfred Morris-type as I was able to last year. Closest thing might actually be Morris's backup, Roy Helu. It almost definitely won't be Donald Brown. But guys on teams with a muddied positional situation (RB in Indy) are always worth a flier in my book. And I'd definitely consider a backfield with an injured Ahmad Bradshaw and a mediocre Vick Ballard a muddy situation. Even if Vick Ballard's name happens to fit quite nicely into my roster full of guys that sound like they should be auditioning for P Diddy's latest incarnation of Making the Band (obviously I would have reached for anyone named "Dylan, Dylan OR DYLAN! I SPIT HOT FIRE!!!!")...

You also probably noticed that I don't have any New England Patriots on my team. It wasn't by design, but I'm not exactly disappointed. Pre season or not, I haven't found much reason to get too excited about that offense. I still think they're the best team in the AFC East and one of the best in the AFC, so let's not go nuts. But I just didn't feel the need to reach for a lot of their better players as I've felt I've needed to do in years past. Especially since I'd never be spending a first round pick on one of their running backs...

As for that other New England team set for a playoff run, the Red Sox have come through yet another valley and are riding high after winning 4 of 5 including a series against the red hot Dodgers. Even more encouraging, is that they've done the bulk of this damage on the road and gotten impressive pitching performances from both Jon Lester and Jake Peavy. They keep that up, and Clay Buchholz actually makes it back ("final" rehab start on Friday...) then maybe I'll finally be convinced they enough top end pitching to make a serious run. In the meantime, I recommend you enjoy as much of what's been a great season and a great pennant race as you can. Because I think we all know that once football starts, anything short of an ALCS game against the Yankees isn't going to grab any one's attention. Not in Boston. Not anymore...

Just had to take that shot at the PinkHats on my way out the door, sorry. Oh, and speaking of football. I'll have my NCAA Top 25 picks starting next week. I know games begin this week, but I like to get a week under my belt. Something about not wanting to bet on a group of guys that have never played together before. I'm funny like that. I'll have my NFL picks, too. With the only funny thing there being how hilariously awesome my record has been over the last few years. That also means that I'm long overdue for an "adjustment" in my results, so feel free to grain of salt that situation moving forward...

Now, if you;ll excuse me. I have a wedding to prepare for. Yep, my big sister Lisa is tying the knot this weekend. I know that she would never embarrass herself on a stage with a foam finger and the son of a former TV dad. And for that, among many other reasons, I love her, and wish her the best. It also means that the countdown is officially on for me to become the crazy uncle. A role that I could not be more eager to embrace. It means I'll have to get started on a mean beer koozie collection, too. Pretty sure I'm not allowed to purchase them new, though. So I'll probably be stealing them from people I know and buying quirky used ones from yard sales. Gonna need a jean jacket, too. Man, so much to do...

OK, friends. Enjoy the rest of your week. It's the calm before the football storm. And I for one can't wait til it's raining touchdowns and sacks. As long as one of those sacks don't belong to an effeminate crooner in a Beetlejuice costume...


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