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Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Collin' It Like I See It...


Whether you believe it or not, I actually do try to steer clear of exploring social issues when I discuss sports. Race, gender, religion, sexual orientation. The way I was raised, those differences weren't ever magnified and deemed "important". So, as hard as it is or some to believe, I tend not to give them a second thought. Granted, like any young whippersnapper, my cavalier attitude on those subjects has burned me in the past. But I think in my older age I've been able to find a happy medium...

That being said, between the Boston bombings and Jason Collins coming out party, there seems to be nothing but social issues dotting the sports landscape for which I can discuss. Either that, or I'd have to blindly stumble along pretending that these things aren't happening. Which is an option, don't get me wrong. But I'd rather toss my two cents into the proverbial fountain than let them burn a hole in my pocket. Lord knows I have enough trouble keeping my money in those bad Larry's as it is...

So, here we go. There'll be a little bit of social commentary, and I'll check in on the Red Sox hot start and the Patriots latest draft. Oh, and there'll be some underboobs. Granted, they'll be those of a spiteful bitch. But underboobs are underboobs. Whether they're attached to the mouth of a jealous wannabe, or not. Meh, that's something you deal with in the morning. You know, when you're telling her about the appointment you had totally forgotten about last night? You can't miss it, though. And you won't wanna miss what I've got for ya, either...

Enjoy...



First, we have Jason Collins. The first ever openly gay male athlete in one of North America's 4 major sports. Or, is he?..

Yep, I call bullshit on this one. I'm glad Jason came out, and I think his doing so will prove as an important stepping stone for the advancement of homosexuality in professional sports. But this isn't, for lack of a better term, "what we've been waiting for". Again, what he's doing should serve as a good example for any future players to express similar feelings, if they deem it appropriate or necessary. But Collins coming out, mostly because his career is all but over and he's a well established player in the league, isn't the declaration that will do for homosexuality in sports what Jackie Robinson did for African Americans...
Google Image search result for
'Ty Cobb racist'? OK then...

Not trying to compare the two, mind you. It's just that this announcement is more an "after the fact" proclamation than it is a "here I come, deal with it" sort of deal.. Like, maybe if when Ty Cobb had retired he had gone all reverse Clayton Bigsby and said, "I'm really black, bitch!!!". OK, perhaps I only made that analogy to tickle my own fancy and piss off the racist ghost of Ty Cobb, but you get what I mean. It'll take a notable player, in their prime OR maybe a young college star (male), that comes out at an early age. Then we'll really see how "comfortable" people actually are...

Until then, announcements like the one that Collins made will merely serve as baby steps. And while each and every small step is important on the way toward reaching a goal, I think we need to be careful to recognize that's all this is. Props to Jason Collins. It took courage to do what he did, and I salute him for it. And the fact that he was a model NBA citizen and teammate should go a long way. But homosexuality in sports is a war that hasn't even begun to be fought. And we can't let the fanfare of his announcement take away from that bigger picture. Something Collins himself addressed when talking to the New York Times by saying, "Now it's time for me to pave the road for somebody else, to be a great teammate, society being the team." And he's right. That is, if we really do want to create a truly tolerant atmosphere based on equal rights. Something I won't be convinced of until the initial ad dollars have dried up. Sorry for the cynicism. But I think we all know it's money that will ultimately be the deciding factor as to whether or not we ever reach those desired goals...

After all, this is less about someone being gay, and more about how we as a society handle it. More directly, the media. It's about how they react, how they allow people to react, and that they eventually settle into a place where sexual orientation is no more important than height or weight. This is a good start towards testing those reactions. But it's only a start. And while it's good that Jason Collins' is aware of that, we all need to be aware. Or else there's a good chance no real progress will be made...



Next up, we've got body image issues. OR, more directly in this case. Some spiteful bitch whose jealous of an Oklahoma City Thunder cheerleader...

"Chunky". That's what now fired CBS blogger, Anna-Megan Raley called Thunder cheerleader, Kelsey Williams. Pictured above. What's even worse, despite the obvious fact that WIlliams is far from chunky, is that Raley did all of her hate based scribbling under the pen name, 'Claire Crawford'. Oh, and did I mention that Raley herself is a wannabe dancer/model turned blogger? Because, yeah. That pretty much cements that she's a jealous bitch that feels like she wasted hours of her life throwing up while some perceived fatty can shake her ample ass for the masses...

I'm with this guy...
That's one thing I've always enjoyed about being a guy. We're usually straight up when it comes to physical abnormalities. You're fat? You get used to being called fat. If you're smart, you embrace it. But nothing is typically, at least in my experience, assumed about your character just because you may have a few extra l-b's. With girls? Every description of weight comes directly attached with a negative comment on their sexual tendencies. "Fat whore", "skinny skank", and it's almost exclusively down either behind someon'e back, or in the most passively aggressive way possible. You know what I'm saying. It's just like in the beginning of "Baby Got Back". Big ass? Well, then she must love black guys. And this Anna-Megan-Claire whatever her name is feeds right into that bitter, jealous, cat fighting mentality...

To suggest that some guys may "like that"? Meaning a woman with a little more meat on her bones? What's that? Code for, "Hey, some losers out there dig fatties"? Because that's what it sounds like. What's next, jokes about how she's probably the best on the team when it comes to the doggstyle position?! Well, you know what, Anna-Claire-Cindy-wannabe-Crawford? She probably is! And it probably has a lot to do with the fact that she's confident enough in herself and her body to put it on display for the masses to gawk at and critique AND virtually nothing to do with the fact that she may or may not have, to use the parlance of our times, a little more "cushion for the pushin'". Although, let's not kid ourselves. I'm sure her man isn't complaining. And if he is, then I know a certain little lady in a black leather bikini top that all of a sudden has a lot of extra time on her hands...

Lookin' a little chunky there, Ursula...
And how is this chick,  posed with her underboobs flappin in the breeze for all the world to see, even going to suggest that readers criticize how anybody looks, anyway? Again, don't get me wrong. I'm glad there are enough girls out there that are, "working their way through college", so that we all get a solid glance at an underboob now and again. But how is someone like that then going to flip the switch?! "OH sure, my ta-tas were hanging out, but check out that cheerleader's love handle! Ew! Too much!?". Oh yeah? Well why don't we critique your alleged photo and discuss as a group weather or not your top looks like you stole it from the back of a pony at a Sturgis petting zoo...

But that's the world we live in. Where thoughts once scribbled anonymously on bathroom walls are now done the same way online. And while I'm glad to see that, just like in high school, it didn't take a CSI team to ultimately "out" the cowardly party responsible and see them brought to justice. It's still a shame that there are so many people out there that are so quick to turn to the most personal attacks. Especially when they aren't even being provoked. It is a bonus that I got to work "out" or "outted" into this story, though. You know, for connectivity purposes and whatnot. Thematically, it just works. And you know this...

So keep doin' what you're doin', Kelsey. And don't let Ursula Underboobs up there tell you what does and does not look good. I mean, seriously. Just one look at that fake smile, and you can tell she's just jealous. Unless that's not her, in which case the Interweb steered me wrong and we just got a free glance at some underboobs. Either way. She's still a jealous bitch. And if you need any more cheering up, Kelsey. You know where to find me. Yeah, that's right. On the Interweb...

...even though that very same Interweb just led me to believe that you are most definitely married. In which case, that's one lucky guy. Still, I'm sure I'm way cooler...

Now, in the interest of "sticking to sports". Here are some notes on the Patriots and Red Sox...

Ladies and gentleman, the best team in baseball...?
First, the Sox. And if you're looking for me to explain their red hot start, you'll be greatly disappointed. I do know this: When your team is collectively hitting a shade under .280, with only 2 regulars (Nava, Pedroia) hitting over .300, and your pitching staff has the 6th best ERA in the Bigs (3.42) and is holding opposing hitters to just a touch over .220. Well, then you're going to win quite a few more games than you lose...

Granted, there's absolutely no way they keep this pace up. But it's nice to know that they appear to have righted a lot that was wrong (namely, the clubhouse and the pitching staff), and that they should be able to compete for the American League pennant. Sounds bold, but remember. Half the league makes the playoffs, now. And with the way Lester and Buchholz are pitching to start the season (save last night for Jon), I'd give the Sox a puncher's chance in a 5-7 game series against any team that's out there. At least any American League team...


As for the Patriots. I long ago gave up trying to make heads of tails of why Bill Belichick does what he does and just instead reveled in his success. But I do appreciate the fact, as a peon of a fan, that the team finally decided to address a wide receiver problem that makes the Red Sox shortstop turn style look like a well built machine...

An entire roster comprised of
 players strictly from Jersey?
Oh, I'd say we're "half way there"...
Granted, I don't know any of the receivers they picked. But if nothing else, it feels good that Bill and the fans may finally be on the same page in terms of team "need". Even if these guys like Aaron Dobson and Josh Boyce turn out to be the next Chad Jackson and Bethel Johnson, respectively. At least we as fans will still know that the Hoodie also views WR as an area for concern. Which is rare in New England. To have that sort of consensus between we meatheads and the Hooded Genius. And like I said, it feels good...

I am a little concerned at how many players from Rutgers the Patriots selected. Hoodie or no Hoodie. Reminds me of the "joke" about how Isiah Thomas did all his scouting at the NIT while he was GM of the Knicks. Because he kept drafting guys that had played well in that tourney (see Balkman, Renaldo) much earlier than anyone that had actually watched colleeg basketball outside of MSG that year would have ever expecTed. This version would be Bill going on a fishing trip with Greg Schiano, and getting all his draft advice from listening to the current Tampa coach talk up all the guys he recruited at Rutgers...

Hey, I'm just sayin'. Rutgers isn't exactly Ohio St., and the Patriots just drafted half of their defense. Not a reason be "concerned". But it will cause me to take much more of a "wait and see" approach with these draft picks than necessarily having any sort of legitimate hopes. I am sure that the Hoodie knows what he's doing, though. So there's always that. Though I never like having to put the name of anyone I respect in the same sentence as Isiah Thomas...whom I'm still convinced must have unfathomably damaging pictures of some very powerful people. Like, you know. "Two Girls One Cup" where the two girls are Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and David Stern is the "cup"...

Gross, I know. But I'd like to hear your more reasonable explanation as to how that many continues to get paying gigs. Yeah, that's what i thought... #ZekeOnALeash


Say, that reminds me. How many QBs to run the Jets offense? FIVE! Hahaha. Wait, I told it wrong. :Lemme try again. Why does it take 5 QBs to run the Jets offense? Because they're so fuckin' stupid!!

Yeah, that's a "way homer". Now if you'll excuse me, there's a baby born with it's heart on the outside that needs my attention. I call him "Jason". I just love me some Biblical names. Seemed appropriate, too. Considering the man featured at the top of this column. OH! BAM! Full circle!


Which makes this a good place to end on. Then again, I haven't even touched upon this weekend's Kentucky Derby. Meh, I'm sure you'll survive. And if you can't, I'm sure I'll be tweeting my picks out. So you can catch them there. Probably even post a picture of the unwashed masses at the race track when I go to place my bets. I'm convinced those crazy bastards only exist there, at the race track, for my Truman Show-like pleasure. And for that I'm thankful. But, good God. What a bunch of degenerates.And they're not the drunk and sad kind of degenerate, either. They're still really loud and fired up because they wasted too much of their booze money on losing pones and Methamphetamine. See, the experienced degenerati, they know. You place your bet, and you bounce. Lest you want to see how well a Smartfood bag filled with sand from an ashtray works as a pillow...


Happy betting, friends. And I hope you enjoyed. Catch you next week...  


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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