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Friday, February 01, 2013

Betting the Super Bowl OR My Search for Beyonce's Ass...


Here we are, friends. The Super Bowl. And while chances are that if you're reading this, then you don't really have a dog in this fight. That doesn't mean we can't take this opportunity to have some fun and make some money. I mean, Hell. I've already used it as an excuse to troll for pictures of Beyonce's ass all over the Interweb. You know, because I talked a lot about asses last week, said I'd talk about them again this week, and she just so happens to have won of the most noteworthy asses of our modern times? And I'm not talking Serena Williams "Oh my God, I think that woman is suffocating a large midget in her shorts" noteworthy, either. This is a sane and healthy kind of noteworthy. Healthy like the love between two brothers, who are facing each other in the Super Bowl that I'm about to break down...

And that, my friends. Is what we call an awkward segue. But, a segue nonetheless! So let's go. Ya know, because we've already segued from dead midgets and large annuses to brotherly love and the biggest sporting event of the year...

Giggity...

Super Bowl XLVII



Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) vs San Francisco 49ers + UNDER 47.5

While most predictions you come across bury the final score in the end of the post, I'm just gonna give you the nuts and bolts right off the bat. I look for this to be a close game, and I like the more experienced Ravens to take it down. I also expect at least one of the Harbaugh's to try to pull off some crazy trick play against the other because of the whole sibling rivalry factor. But I'll get to that in the prop bets...

I obviously respect the 49ers, and most things being equal I think they're probably the "better team". But games like this are all about winning individual match ups, and I like the Ravens to win more of those over the course of the game. Whether it be on the O-line, where they're still highly underrated, or in the passing game, where Joe Flaccid has suddenly turned into Joe-Precia! Unless that's not a boner pill. Whatever. He's tossin' that pill around the yard, and he's been looking mighty good doing it. I can now clearly see how I was seduced into taking him as my fantasy QB. That rat bastard. And you know what? The more that I think about it, the more it would be fitting for that piece of shit to ultimately ruin my final bet of the year. Nah, gonna stick to my guns. I mean at worst I'll get to continue crucifying that muppet with a massive dome for many years to come...
Michael Oher is still a punk bitch, but that doesn't
mean he and his line mates haven't been very effective lately.

As for the UNDER, I had intended all week to take it, until last night when I actually convinced myself to take the OVER. Then this morning, I read this about the tendencies of the referees that will be working the game. And what that pieced from Covers.com says, is that this referee crew enjoys calling holding penalties at about 3 times the rate of the average crew. That, my friends. Is a lot of holding calls. And holding calls almost always reverse a great play. Often one that ends in 6, perhaps. So, not only are the defenses on both teams very good, but the refs should prove to serve as a 3rd defender and help keep the score low. Not saying they'll slaughter this UNDER in like a 13-10 game, but 24-20 or something like that certainly sounds about right...

Speaking of, here's my final score: Baltimore Ravens 23 San Francisco 49ers 21

Should be a good game. With the brothers, the hard nosed defenses, the young tatted QB, the crazy old veteran in his last game and the whatnot. And let's not forget the power booty slappin' halftime show. Which I'll probably only end up betting on, and not actually watching. Unless there's a nip slip. In which case that's why Al Gore helped God invent the DVR. And the Interweb too, for that matter...

Speaking of events that are unlikely to happen, but that you'd like to take advantage of should they happen to occur. Let's hit up to the prop bets. They aren't nearly as much fun as you'd think to actually bet on, because you're usually too distracted having a good time to see if you hit any of them. But they're cool to imagine betting on. Like we're about to do right here...

Prop Bets

MVP: Anquan Boldin @ 16 to 1; Randy Moss @ 50 to 1; Justin Tucker @ 75 to 1

A quarterback has won the MVP in like 60% of these things, so betting the short money on either of those Teds is pointless. Betting on these guys, however, could end up netting you a decent reward. Boldin I like because he's essentially the most important player to either offense with the worst odds for MVP. Or the "best" odds, for our intents and purposes. And Tucker? Well, remember how I talked about a trick play? Well, if that trick play happens to involve the kicker, and that kicker also happens to make a few important field goals....? Yeah, you see where I'm goin'. And while I wouldn't disagree that if anyone it's Jim and his Niners that are more likely to attempt a trick play, there's no way I'm ever betting money on David Akers. So Tucker at 75 to 1 it is...

I don't think she's ready for that jelly...
As for Randy. Past his prime and not an integral part of the offense, or not. That's a good price for a future Hall of Famer that's made their money catching deep passes that usually end in touchdowns...

Halftime: Jay Z will NOT (-135) appear on stage & Beyonce's top will be predominantly BLUE (16 to 1).

You've gotta think this is something that was in Beyonce's contract when she signed on to be the halftime performer. "OK, we're cool with you. But no Jay Z. We can't even have the hint of controversy at these things, anymore." So there, I think the most scandalous thing to hit the stage will be Beyonce's backside. Then again, if she takes to the stage and starts making those porn star-esque "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO FIT THAT IN WHERE?!?!" faces like the one she's making to the right, whether or not Hova took the stage might become less of a concern...

As for her outfit. Didn't they name their kid "Blue"? They did, right? Good enough for me at 16 to 1...

The Harbaugh's: The name "Harbaugh" will be said MORE than 21 times & the brothers' post game hug will last LONGER than 6 seconds.

Pretty self explanatory. Then again, the fact that it seems so obvious means that the numbers are inflated and I should probably take the UNDER. But I won't. The NFL loves them some Harbaugh, and the Harbaugh's love them some brotherhood...

I also looked for betting odds on whether or not a creepy "Cooper Manning" type  3rd Harbaugh brother makes their debut to the masses at the end of this thing, but I couldn't find any. Tom Crean, you'll have to do...

I'm also recommending taking Randy Moss receptions over Harbaugh parents' appearances. Those "appearance on TV" props almost always seem to go UNDER, despite the fact that everyone seems so sure that they're definitely going to go OVER. Fool me thrice, Vegas. And shame on us all. Wait...

"Jesus Jesus, Lord Lord Jesus. God God, Blessing Savior. Deer Urine, Disney World Jesus!"

Ray Lewis: That crazy bastard WILL mention God or the Lord MORE than 3 times in his post game interviews.

I'm also betting on the Sun rising in the East the day after the game...

Whatnot: The average Tweets per second being sent at the peak of Super Bowl usage will be HIGHER than 16,000 & Las Vegas will report MORE than $90 million in wagering on the game (-155).

There are more Twitter users than there were last year (probably), and from what I read the national media grossly underestimates how well the sports betting industry has been doing of late (last year the game did $94 mil). It also doesn't hurt that I'll be doing both, ever so slightly helping to tip the odds in my favor. I'm a high roller, you know. At least I pretend to be one on Twitter...


NFL Picks

Overall: 170-119-9 (.586)

Twitter Picks: 42-19-2 (.683)


So there you have it, friends. Hope you enjoyed my journey through all things Super Bowl. And just for good measure, here's another shot of Beyonce's ass. Here she is channeling her inner Serenanus Williams. And of course by "channeling", I mean "somebody help that poor family of midgets!"...

Never mind. She's ready...

Enjoy the game, friends. And I'll catch you next week...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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