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Friday, January 04, 2013

WILD CARD WEEKEND


Paulina Gretzy, ladies and gentleman. Daughter of a former hockey player whom you might remember. What's hockey, you ask? Well it's a game that dirty Europeans used to play that Americans pretended to like when their local team was good. Like Quidditch on ice, basically. Except replace the wannabe wizards with the aforementioned dirty Europeans. Or just older wannabe wizards. Won't be too much of a difference, there...

So why is Miss Gretkzy donning the top of my post? No real reason. Except for maybe that she's a "wild card". Yeah, that works. I mean, she's no Charlie Kelly, but I'm sure she keeps Papa Wayne on his toes more often than not when she's flashin' her cans all over the Interweb. Not to mention lounging spread eagle in a bikini...

Yeah, so that's why she's there. She's a "wild card". Which in this instance, is a convenient way for me to clean up the term "Interweb flesh farmer", and use it to my advantage. Speaking of advantages, let's see if we can't snag you one as you head into one of the final betting weekends of the season...

Enjoy, my friends. Both the cans, and the conversation...

Wild Card Picks

Cincinnati Bengals (+5) @ Houston Texans

That's TJ Yates, up there. Remember him? Yup, he was the limp wristed backup that led Houston to a 31-10 victory Cincinnati in last year's playoff match up. And by "led", I mean the defense dominated and he was able to throw for 159 yards but still walk away a winner. If Matt Schaub is looking for a similar result, he better hope for a repeat performance from that suddenly porous Houston D...

Now, what's tricky here, is that if the defense does come out of it's coma for this one, we could easily be looking at another blowout. And while I can't blame anyone for wanting to make that play, I feel much better taking the Bengals with the points. They're playing better than Houston of late, they have the experience of last year's loss, and the Texans are still reeling form inexplicably falling out of a 1st round bye. Combine that with the 5 free points, and it just becomes too friendly a play to pass up...

...points I'll be sure to remind myself of when the "Arian Nation" is romping in for his 3rd touchdown of the 1st half...




Green Bay Packers (-7) vs Minnesota Vikings

Ready for this fantastic betting logic? Last week, I took the Vikings as a 4 point underdog, and predicted they would win outright. And they did. Which is why just one week later, I'm obviously taking the Packers to turn the tables by 15 points or so and waltz on in to the second round...

Sounds counter intuitive, I know. But there's a method to my madness. And most of it relies on the fact that the Vikings were just the more inspired team last week, and that Green Bay will be that inspired team this week. Throw in the fact that Aaron Rodgers might finally have a healthy receiving corps for the first time in what seems like forever, and I like the odds of Green Bay exacting some rather convincing revenge. And I know Mr. Peterson has carved up the Packer D to the tune of 400+ yards this season, but that didn't stop Green Bay from beating the Vikings by 9 just a month ago at Lambeau Field. A result similar to the one I'm expecting to see on Saturday night...


Indianapolis Colts (+6.5) @ Baltimore Ravens

Linebacker. Leader. Motivator. Alleged Murderer. For better or worse, that's Ray Lewis. And man, am I gonna miss that rat bastard if and when he does actually decide to hang 'em up. Which if I'm right, could be sooner than the future Hall of Famer would like...

I like the Colts in this spot because this line has too much of that Baltimore/Giants game still left in it. Outside of that 33-14 win, Baltimore hasn't covered a number like this since a week 10 badgering of the hapless Raiders. They've also only won by more than 7 points 4 times all season. Even lessening the likelihood of a blowout in this one...

I'll admit that the Colts are a different team on the road (4-4), but this is just too juicy a # to pass up. And I'm certainly not confident enough in the Ravens to lay them those kind of points. This coming from a guy that predicted that previously noted blowout of the Giants just a few weeks back...

Oh, and one last shout out to Ray Lewis. We're gonna miss you man. The NFL is a better place for having had you in it. And I wish you nothing but the best...just as long as you don't attempt to star in a network sitcom before eventually finding your way to the commentators table. That just wouldn't be cool. I mean, I'm picturing an awkward LL Cool J "In The House" type situation. And it's just making me wanna murder someone and get away with it. So don't do it, Ray. Please, please don't do it...


Washington Redskins (+3) vs Seattle Seahawks

Is there a more racist team nickname in professional sports than the Redskins? Is there a funnier mock nickname for me to say than the "Tedskins"? Does "Tedskin" sound like a minor but possibly important piece to a huge loser's anatomy? Obviously, the answer to all of those questions is "yes". And just as obvious, should be the fact that I'm going to continue to stick with my boy Robert Griffin III. His success has played a huge part in my success this year, and I've decided I'd rather go down on the girl that brought me then....wait. I think I'm screwing up that analogy. Or is it a metaphor. And what's a meta for? And how terrible was that joke?

Either way, I'm stickin' with Bobby G #3 and the boys. Especially when they're at home, and especially when they're getting points. Seattle is good, and they're probably the better "overall team", but the next time shit like that actually turns out to matter will probably be the first...

So go get 'em, Bob. Win this one for Tedskin fans everywhere! Just don't be too eager for the Tedskin trophy they're going to want togive you if you happen to win them a Super Bowl. It's...it's...it's pretty disgusting. Merely touching it could give you the AIDS and 4-6 different Hepatiticis. Hepatiti? Either way, it's a bunch of foreskins molded together to look like Joe Theismann's mangled leg. And it smells like the Coney Island bathrooms after the hot dog eating contest if they were stocked with free sex panther cologne...


Last Week: 13-3-0

Overall: 162-112-9 (.588)

Twitter Picks: 29-11-2 (.714)


OK, friends. That's it for me. Hope you enjoyed. If you didn't? Well then that likely means you don't like young perky breasts, foreskin jokes and winning money. And I can't do much for ya. My advice for you there would be to get into the Meth cooking business. Probably the only way you'll end up being any use to society...

Have a great weekend, you rat bastards. And I'll catch you next week...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

24 comments:

Ktomasso said...

"it's a bunch of foreskins molded together to look like Joe Theismann's mangled leg. And it smells like the Coney Island bathrooms after the hot dog eating contest if they were stocked with free sex panther cologne..."

And boom goes the dynamite.

Brett Ferruccio said...

'And Bags goes the Munmanite' is really the preferred nomenclature. But I certainly appreciate the enthusiasm.

#GIMMIEBACKMYSON!

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