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Friday, December 27, 2013

Week 17 Picks: Limpin' To The Barn...


It would be wrong to say I'm on vacation. Because I'm most definitely not. But it feels like I should be. So, to honor that feeling, I'm ditching the usual pomp and circumstance and just providing you with the straight up picks. I was even going to throw in some bowl picks, too. Because I know that Christmas cash is just aching to be lit on fire like so many pieces of wrapping paper and losing holiday themed lottery tickets. Stale rum cake burns well, too. If you're so inclined. But I decided not to add said collegiate picks. Mostly because I'm on vacation and I would consider having to search for those betting lines work. And I'm not working, dammit!

So, yeah. Good luck with trying to make back the money you lost playing fantasy, this year. And I'll catch you in 2014. Where I resolve to return to my more gregarious ways. Be good...


Week 17 Picks
New England Patriots (-9.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Washington Tedskins (+3.5) @ New York Giants

Carolina Panthers (-6) @ Atlanta Falcons

Cincinnati Bengals (-6) vs Baltimore Ravens

Tennessee Titans (-6) vs Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-3) vs Detroit Lions + UNDER 52.5

Miami Dolphins (-6) vs New York Jets

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) vs Cleveland Browns

Jacksonville Jaguars (+11.5) @ Indianapolis Colts

Green Bay Packers (-2.5) @ Chicago Bears + OVER 51

Denver Broncos (-12.5) @ Oakland Raiders

New Orleans Saints (-12.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Arizona Cardinals (pick) vs San Francisco 49ers

San Diego Chargers (-9.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

St. Louis Rams (+10.5) @ Seattle Seahawks + OVER 42

Dallas Cowboys (+7) vs Philadelphia Eagles


Last Week: 11-6-0

Overall: 134-115-9 (.537)


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, December 20, 2013

Week 16 Picks: Gunnin' For Christmas...


Well, it's Christmas. Yep. Last week was Festivus, and this week it's Christmas. Mostly because I won't be talking to you fine folks between now and the actual event, so I'd rather get the pleasantries out the way now. But mostly because I'd rather just pretend it's Christmas already, and talk about that, than try to make small talk about semi important events like the return of Brian Griffin or the US All Gay Olympic Revue and their planned trip to the Russian Catskills. "So whose rippling thigh do you gotta hump around here to get one of those big furry hats? Huh? Huh??? And what's the deal with that thing on Gorbachev's head? Am I right??"

Yeah, the Olympics are funny. So are politics. But not funny enough for me and this space. Unless, of course, either of them happened to be occurring in Florida. But they don't have politics, there. From best I can tell, there are just a bunch of tribes wandering the state protecting their respective stashes of Sudafed and extra tall white t-shirts. Like an end of days type deal. It's like Denzel Washington in that shitty movie I didn't make it all the way through. OR mostly, it's like Leonard Smalls from Raising Arizona. Yeah, that captures it. I mean, I'm sure he had at least some Meth in that hellish looking saddle bag of his...

So, yeah. Ripped Russia, ripped Florida, said it was Christmas when it really wasn't. OK, good. Even organically worked in a Coen Brothers reference. Which is always a bonus. I'll have an Inside Llewyn Davis review sooner rather than later, too. Speaking of the Coens. I'll like it, you won't, and we'll all continue on our way. It'll be fun times, trust me. Maybe not as fun as watching Putin chasing Brian Boitano and Billie Jean King around St. Petersburg whilst waiving a Bible and speaking in tongues (Bob Costas watches, nods, and begins penning scathing monologue), but you can't win 'em all....unless of course you follow all of my picks! OH! Segue! Which really needs to start being commonly spelled "segway", now. But that's another story for another day...

Enjoy the picks, friends. And in case you don't make the jump, a very merry and healthy Christmas to you and yours...

Friday, December 13, 2013

Week 15 Picks: It's Festivus Somewhere...


I know it's not technically Fesitvus, yet. But that doesn't mean I still don't have A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!...Nah. I'm not going to air any grievances, either. Truth is, the Festivus theme just goes well with a video that I want to show later. You know, when I take my weekly shot at the state of Florida. So, yeah! Festivus! So get the pole out of the crawl space and get on board...

Enjoy...

Friday, December 06, 2013

Week 14 Picks: Whateva, Guy...


Jacoby Ellsbury is gone. That's not a surprise. The fact that he's now with the Yankees? Yeah, that's a bit of a surprise. But the fact that Boston fans are, by and large, knowledgeably indifferent? Well that is flat out shocking. Even if knowledgeably indifferent might not be an actual working phrase...

I mean, seriously. I haven't seen a player go so unceremoniously from one rival to another in my life! Let alone from the Red Sox to the Yankees. And this isn't some old bastard like Wade Boggs making the move. It's a player that, even Red Sox fans would agree, is still in his prime and should remain a "productive-when-healthy" player for years to come. But that "when healthy" is the key. As was his apparent "value" on the open market. Pay a guy more than we're paying Dustin Pedroia, even though his career numbers are considerably worse? Yeah, no thanks. Not that Pedey's deal is some landmark by which you should judge every potential free agent. But I think it helps to put this particular deal into a bit of perspective. As does comparing Ellsbury's numbers to, say, a guy like Carlos Gomez. A guy who happens to be about half the price of Ellsbury on a yearly basis, by the way. And he's not exactly on some outdated contract, either...

Beard alone does not a hero make...
I'm also not just going to sit here and tell you that since Ben Cherington and friends "did it last year", that I think whatever they do is necessarily the correct move. I do like their apparent shift in philosophy, though. From handing out a few long term deals for big money to handing out a lot of shorter term deals that provide the team a lot of flexibility and protection. But that's mostly because they were able use it to win the World Series. Making it work in the long haul will be another trick, altogether. But one I'd like to see them attempt to execute. Just like they were able to take advantage when everyone shifted to "Moneyball". They were at the forefront of that movement, and were able to take capitalize. And while this tactic of signing "lesser" players isn't exactly revolutionary, it's one that, when utilized by a large market team, could prove very effective. At least until the rest of the market adjusts and the value disappears. Just like with "Moneyball". But the best you can do is survive and adapt, and I like the way this team has handled that ongoing evolution...

Meh, whatever. Truth is, Ellsbury was never a favorite son. Not like Johnny Damon was. And that's more or less why people don't care. "Whateva, guy. Damon left and we STILL won anotha title! BOSTON STRONG, KID!". See, it's less about Ellsbury, the player, than it is about Boston, the fan base. We just don't fear the Yankees, like we used to. And we actually have faith in our own front office (still not huge fans of the actual ownership, but that's another thing for another day). Two things we're still getting used to in terms of this legendary rivalry. Probably why it still feels so odd that we're talking about a smooth transition from Boston to the Bronx...

But enough about the Yankees overpaying for a pretty boy that'll likely spend 2+ years of his contract on the DL and isn't likely to hit the # of HRs he hit in 2011 over the first 3 years of his new deal combined. OH! And you thought I was taking the high road! OH! Gotcha, Teds!

No, but seriously. Nobody cares. And it's mildly hilarious...

OK, now let's talk some football. OR at least take a look at some spreads and pictures and musings and such...

Enjoy...

Saturday, November 30, 2013

White Saturday Special...


"Black Friday is just a regular Friday that smokes Newports and chases chicks with big asses."

Saw that on Twitter. Hilarious. And who doesn't love themselves a Newport or 2 now and again? Smoking a cough drop? Yeah, sign me up for that. OR don't. I will take me some of that big ass, though...

BOOM! WHITE SATURDAY!

And, yeah. There's no significance behind "White Saturday". Although I do like to think I'm doing my part in helping to even out the potential for racial inequality. Black Friday? That shit's just racist, B...

Oh, right. I have football picks for you, too. Because white, black. We all love to gamble. Not so sure about the Spanish, though. Jury's still out on them. Pretty sure they're pumped for big asses, though. So there's always that. Common ground, bodiqua. We gotta find it...

OK good luck, Teds...

Week 13 Picks
Jacksonville Jaguars (+7) @ Cleveland Browns + OVER 40

Tennessee Titans (+4) @ Indianapolis Colts
Say I needed a place to rest my beverage...

Chicago Bears (+1) @ Minnesota Vikings

New York Jets (-2) vs Miami Dolphins

Arizona Cardinals (+3.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

New England Patriots (-7.5) @ Houston Texans

Buffalo Bills (-3) vs Atlanta Falcons

St. Louis Rams (+9) @ San Francisco 49ers

Denver Broncos (-5.5) @ Kansas City Chiefs & UNDER 50

San Diego Chargers (-1) vs Cincinnati Bengals

New York Giants (-1.5) @ Washington Tedskins

Monday Night
Seattle Seahawks (-5) vs New Orleans Saints


Last Week: 11-6-1 (2-1 on Thanksgiving)

Overall: 93-85-9 (.521)


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(4) Auburn (+10.5) vs (1) Alabama

Florida (+31.5) vs (2) Florida St.

(3) Ohio St. (-15) @ Michigan

(5) Missouri (-4) vs (19) Texas A&M

(6) Clemson (+5) @ (10) South Carolina

(8) Stanford (-14.5) vs (25) Notre Dame

TCU (+12.5) vs (9) Baylor

(11) Michigan St. (-14.5) vs Minnesota

(14) Wisconsin (-24.5) vs Penn St.

(23) USC (-3.5) vs (22) UCLA

(24) Duke (+5.5) @ North Carolina


Last Week: 3-4-0

Overall: 59-50-4 (.540)


#BAGSMUNMAN

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving Picks: That's My Dog...


According to tradition, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate who, and what, you have in your life. In reality, we all know it's just some commercialized buffet that does more to support diabetes and imperialism than it does family values and friendship. But that's neither here nor there. Sure, the holiday has lost almost all of it's historical luster. But that doesn't mean we still can't enjoy what we've got and give thanks. And what we've had, too. Like Brian Griffin, who passed away, this Sunday, after a 14 year run as the arrogant social conscience of not only Family guy, but his also adoptive family. He was a great dog, and an even better character. One that will probably go down as one of TV's all time best, animated or not. That's how transcendent that rat bastard was. And not all the "Doggie Walnuts" in the world will be able to replace him. I mean, I doubt this "Vinnie" even has a novle that he's been workin' on...

But we move on. And before I do, here's a list of things I'm thankful for. OK, wait. I'm not gonna do that. But I will channel my inner Kevin Garnett as I thank my family, friends, CJ, Moo Moo & Ennis the Menace. They're what make life worth living for this guy. And here's to hoping you have just many creatively named people with which you too can enjoy your holiday...

Gobble gobble, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving. And I'll catch you next time. Oh, and in honor of Brian's passing, I decided to pick all underdogs in today's slate. Which is a lie, because I really just like all of the underdogs to cover. But, hey. It works. And you know it works...

So gobble gobble again, my friends. OR "Happy Turkmas", if you're not into the whole "gobbly" thing. Enjoy the holiday weekend, and I'll catch you next time...

Thanksgiving Picks
Green Bay Packers (+6) @ Detroit Lions

Oakland Raiders (+9.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (+3) @ Baltimore Ravens


Last Week: 9-5-1

Overall: 91-84-9 (.519)


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, November 22, 2013

Week 12 Picks: Butt, and to the Left...


That's the best GIF ever, up there. Something I'm sure you're aware of, seeing that I've already posted it many times even though it's only been existence for a few months. And I post it again to remind you all how big of a lying fraud Alex Rodriguez is. He went on Mike Francesa's show to plead his case after storming out of his meeting with MLB mediators, and so I'm posting this GIF of the 'Don of the DC' again because I think it accurately depicts how hilarious the whole situation is. I could have gone with some sort of JFK tribute pic, I suppose. It being the 50th anniversary of his assassination, and all. But I think this is better. And that's really all I have to say about the matter. Which is to say, I basically just wanted to post this GIF again, and that was my weak explanation. As if that GIF needs an explanation...

It's also the 1st anniversary of GIF #2 in the Rooch Nation Hall of Fame...


See that? Butt, and to the left. BUTT, and to the left. Yeah. Mostly Lee Harvey ASSwald, am I right? Yeah, I'm right. Never forget, friends. NEVER FORGET!

OK. Enjoy the picks, kids...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Week 11 Picks: Good Luck, Everybody Else!


Well, I've finally figured out what's worse than listening to former football players and baseball writers talk about hockey as if they've been following it since their youth. And it's those same Teds trying to stir up a debate on the virtues of tanking in the NBA (Coach K calls it "Un-American", I call it "wicked retahded"), while at the same time trying to discuss potential impact players from the college ranks, when they'd otherwise regularly laugh about how theirs is a sport that isn't worthy of their time. It's all rather embarrassing. Whether it's the NBA and it's laughable tank-inspiring system, OR the fact that the role of today's sports jock is merely to bounce from topic to topic like a Methed up ferret. OR, you know. The fact that they just turned this trick when the Bruins were suddenly relevant, and now seem to have made it into an actual blueprint for how to get things done. Which is far and away the most embarrassing part for those of us that clamor for local sports talk, but are forced to settle for national guys like Dan Patrick if we actually want to listen to people that know what they're talking about. Not that DP isn't the man, because he is. But there's nothing quite like great local sports talk...

Sparty on, Mateen!
And, yes. Twitter is great. We all love Twitter. And it can be a very useful tool in terms of a LIVE radio show. But I'd rather see a show bring on an allegedly educated and informed guest if they want to go beyond the scope of their expertise, rather than ignorantly theorize just because that's what the masses are clamoring for on the various social networks. Twitter chief among them, seeing as most you can easily picture most jocks merely reading their timelines as you listen to them on the radio. And I get it. You talk about what's trending, and that's how you pump up the ratings. But catering to the loudest common denominator won't get you anywhere worth being. We all know they aren't really "listening", anyway. Because if they were, they would have blasTed you when "Mateen Cleaves" was the only player on Michigan St. you could name. I mean, he left there 13 years ago. But sure...

There's a silver lining to this shit filled sack, though. Because if I'm bitching about how the Boston sports jocks aren't meeting my elitist standards in terms of talking college hoops, that at least means that the college basketball season has actually begun. Right? And while I won't be releasing a Top 25 poll until the new year, I was excited to finally see some of the big boys officially kick off the new season with the Champions Classic in Chicago. Unfortunately, if that pair of games were any indication, the upcoming season might be all for naught if the Kansas Jayhawks continue to play at the level they exhibited on Tuesday night...

Michigan St. and Duke were impressive, too. Don't get me wrong. While Kentucky looked more like they did a year ago than the Anthony Davis team that cut down the nets (though Randle is a MAN. There's no doubting that). But between Andrew Wiggins, Perry Ellis and Wayne Selden Jr, Kansas should prove too explosive and efficient for any of those other top tier teams to handle. Especially Eliis, that smooth bastard. He just makes it look so easy. Which is all the more impressive considering he really only burst onto the scene about 3/4 of the way through last season...

I mean, I don't wanna call this annually epic, season long race over before it's even really begun. But, yeah. I can't help but feel like Bill Self and friends are in the driver's seat. And I don't mean that in a "they have control of their own destiny" sort of way. I mean it in an Asian woman changing lanes on a major highway sort of way...



Yeah. Good luck everybody else, indeed. And good luck to all of you wrestling with this week's football picks. And good luck to the Celtics? I hope they...lose?

Yeah, OK. Whatever you say, "fans of the sport". Enjoy...

Friday, November 08, 2013

Week 10 Picks: That's Enough, Pilgrim...


So, yeah. Really glad the only definitive statements I made in my rant earlier this week were that the Dolphin front office was inept, and that Richie Ingocnito was just generally a scumbag and likely a racist. Because with each passing moment, it becomes less and less clear what the Hell is actually going on down there. Whatever it is, the front office has certainly done a shit job of handling it. And Incognito's track record alone proves that he's lacking any admirable character traits. But the responses of the Dolphin players and coaches over the past 48 hours have only further muddied a situation that wasn't exactly crystal clear to begin with...

I mean, is it possible that Jonathan Martin is just a nut job that went off the edge? Sure, that's possible. But it's also possible that the average NFL meat head is just that big of an ignorant dick that he wouldn't even recognize actual bullying when he saw it. And right now, I'd have to lean in that direction. Because even if Martin was allegedly sharing the infamous epithet laced voice mail with teammates while laughing, that still jives with the behavior of someone being picked on. At least it does when coupled with all of the other alleged allegations. You know, like the text message from a teammate that allegedly said the player in question was going to rape Martin's sister...

SO, yeah. We might not know exactly what's going on there, and it doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon. But I do think it's safe to say that, whatever the Hell is unfolding, it's due in no small part to a complete institutional failure on the part of the Miami Dolphins. And seeing as I don't really consider it any sort of "news" that the Dolphins are completely inept, OR that the average NFL locker room is full of guys that are so smart that they just realized that being hit in the head might not be good for their brain. Then I'm just going to let this thing play out until there are actual facts on the table, and we've actually heard from all parties involved. Otherwise, any analysis or commentary just becomes unnecessary and reckless speculation. And ain't nobody got time for that...

Except for right now, of course. As I will now needlessly and recklessly speculate as to who's going to win this week's football games. But that's different. You know, because I'm not a racist meat head...

Enjoy...

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Confessions of a Button Pusher: Why There's Plenty of Blame to Go Around in the Richie Incognito Case...


Not that this is going to come as any sort of revelation to anyone that knows me, but I consider "pushing buttons" as one of my all time favorite past times. What can I say? I like to mix it up, stir the pot, and go out of my way to make sure that people don't get a "free pass". And while my penchant for such things has endeared me to many, it's also been the cause of the demise of more relationships than I'd care to admit. I like to think I've learned from those experiences, but that's not really my call. Just like it's never the call of the "bully" in determining what is and what is not offensive or hurtful to the person they're mocking. Which is why there's really no way that Richie Incognito isn't in the wrong...

Friday, November 01, 2013

Week 9 Picks: So Long, Beard Strong...


Start Teddin' the news, my damies! the Red Sox are world champions and I'll be damned if it doesn't feel...good? Yeah, I guess "good" is about all I can muster. I mean, I'm pumped for the bragging rights and the chance to snag a new hoodie or two. But between the '01 Patriots-like improbability of the thing, and the fact that I was 21 years old when they finally broke the curse (AKA right in the meat of every man's sports loving wheelhouse, where camaraderie flows like the salmon to Capistroano), I just can't bring myself to even let this improbable run by an incredibly likable group of guys even approach putting a dent in my personal pantheon...

I'm not selling the accomplishment short, nor am I trying to put out the championship flames with my less than positive spin. I'm merely reinforcing the fact that while many outsiders will look at "Boston sports fans" and call us spoiled, "jaded" is probably a much more apt description. At least it's appropriate when describing me. Maybe it's because of the anticlimactic way in which the game ended, or maybe it's because I know that so many that created that electric atmosphere at Fenway these past few weeks spent most of the Summer dry humping the Bruins' off season activities and paying little mind to the team that used to dominate the city's sports scene. But I think it's really just that '04 spoiled me. '04 was like that first hit of heroin, if I'm to believe what I've seen on TV and read extensively on the Interweb. Which I'm wont to do. And while every hit since has been a fantastic ride on that prize winning white horse, it's just never as good as that very first time. You know, when you had no idea what to exactly expect...


Jaded? Sure. But a jaded junkie need not worry about these things. So allow me to cut myself short before I ruin all of our respective highs. It was a great season, with an incredible finish. And while my arm will inevitably be itching again before I even finish this sentence, let it never be said that I didn't appreciate this team, this ride, and the incredibly entertaining and unexpected way in which it all unfolded. And that's really all that matters.  I mean, a ride on the white horse is a ride on the white horse, after all. And I'll be whipping that rat bastard til he Eight Belles' his way into a substandard can of store brand dog food. If for no other treason than to continue chasing that high that I know I'll likely never be able to reign in again. At least not from a sports fan standpoint...

But that's not your problem. Your problem is figuring out which of my football picks this week were made while I was on smack, and which ones are actually legit. Which is to say they're at least the ones I made while I was only looking for smack or figuring ways to sell my bodily fluids for more smack money. You'd be amazed at how much money you can get for a bag of your own feces form the guys that hang out behind the YMCA. $25! And all they ask is that you give out a few "bum hugs" to the local residents in addition to the product.. PS - they're really hand jobs. Don't believe when one of them offers to show his "purple heart", either. Freakin scam artists. You'd think those involved in the smack for poo game would have more of a sense for fair trade. And you'd be wrong...

Enjoy...

Friday, October 25, 2013

Week 8 Picks: Things I PredicTed...


Things I predicTed last night:

1) The Cardinals would win a Game 2 in which the Red Sox would score fewer than 3 runs

2) Mike Tolbert would score a touchdown, while Steve Smith would underwhelm in the Panthers/Bucs game

AND

3) The Carolina Panthers would cover the spread in a convincing fashion

The result? Wacha shut down the Sox, Tolbert was inexplicably and unexpecTedly named the Panther starting running back (was never discussed prior to the game) en route to his best game of the season AND the Panthers routed the Bucs in what will likely be Greg Schiano's final game as coach...

Now naturally, I only predicTed those things because they would almost exclusively screw me (minus the Panthers covering the spread) in my various ventures. But if there's one thing I've found I can successfully predict, it's when irregular things will happen to me in the face of nearly insurmountable odds. For instance, that whole Smith/Tolbert situation? I don't just own Steve Smith and I wasn't just playing against Mike Tolbert. I own Steve Smith on one team (only playing him due to injuries to both Wayne & Julio), and was playing against BOTH Smith and Tolbert on another. Meaning the only REAL way I could have a bad fantasy night would be if Smith under performed AND Tolbert had his best game of the season. Now you see? Yeah now you see...

So, what does this mean in terms of my picks? Not a whole lot, unfortunately. Because while I'm keenly aware of the power I possess, I've still yet to find a way to wield it to by benefit. Probably wouldn't hurt your thinking when reading my picks if you kept that in mind, though. Oh, and did I mention how Yahoo featured Mike Tolbert on their front page prior to his breakout game while last week they featured my guy, Jermichael Finley, who would only go on to suffer a likely career ending spinal injury? Yeah, no. I know nothing of what I speak...

So on that note, let's get to the picks...        

Week 8 Picks

New England Patriots (-7) vs Miami Dolphins + OVER 43.5

I've more or less given up on ever correctly predicting a Patriots game, which is why I've now moved on to adding OVER/UNDERs to the equation. I mean, why the Hell not? Misery loves company, right? Besides, Gronk is due for at least a couple touchdowns, isn't he? I'm fully expecting him to take a bite out of the ball when he finally reaches the end zone, too. And no, that's no hyperbole. Dude's gonna eat the bean. BOOK IT...


Detroit Lions (-3) vs Dallas Cowboys

If ever a stat hasn't sounded right, it's the one that has the Lions only having turned the ball over ONCE in the past 3 games. Yep, the same franchise that most of us still picture having a QB run out the back of the end zone is now apparently the model of offensive efficiency. GranTed, they're 1-2 in that stretch, but....OK I'll cut the shit. That stat is true, but I'm only rolling with this pick due to a tip from an incredibly savvy source of mine. I call him "Uncle Interweb", and while I've consulTed him before, this is the first time I've ever decided to blindly take one of his selections. I have no idea why he thinks a Lion team that just lost to Cincy at home is going to beat the Cowboys. But he's a sav, and that's gonna have to do for now...


New York Giants (+6) @ Philadelphia Eagles + UNDER 54

Here's where predicting your own fantasy demise can come in handy, and this one just seems way too easy. I mean, is there a Michael Vick owner out there who isn't expecting the oft injured wunderkind to limp off the field somewhere before the first half? Oh, right. Of course there are. And right now they're awkwardly high fiving each other in celebration of Tolbert's great performance last night. OMG YAHOO NAILED IT GUY!


Washington Tedskins (+13) @ Denver Broncos

Speaking of Yahoo doing it's best to nail me in the ane. They now have Roy Helu up on their front page as a savvy start in a week short on RBs. Just like they had Tolbert, last night. Needless to say, I'm starting Helu. So, yeah. I'll let you do the math on that one. AKA RIP Roy Helu. Hope you have your affairs in order...


Oakland Raiders (+3) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Uncle Interweb was a big fan of the Steelers over the Jets, last week. As was I. And that consensus worked out beautifully. And while he didn't say anything about the Raiders coming off their bye and laying the wood to Shattstown, I view this as a very similar spot. McFadden is back, and since he will probably only be healthy for a game or two, look for the Silver & Black to get while the gettin's good. Besides, the Steelers are beat. There's not a team north of Jacksonville that I'm spotting them points to on the road...


Here's the rest of the mess, including another game in London. Although I'm cool with this one, because it's like we're punishing the British by making them watch the Jaguars. That'll teach them to try and tax our tea. Elitist wig wearing bastards...

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) vs Atlanta Falcons + OVER 44.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-8) vs Cleveland Browns

Buffalo Bills (+12) @ New Orleans Saints

Jacksonville Jaguars (+16.5) vs San Francisco 49ers  (London)

Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5) vs New York Jets

Green Bay Packers (-9) @ Minnesota Vikings


Monday Night

Seattle Seahawks (-11) @ St. Louis Rams

You know your team is in a bad way when you have to call Brett Favre on the down low and see if he has enough time between cell phone photo shoots to run your offense. The St. Louis Rams are that team, and they are indeed in that bad way without the services of QB Sam Bradford. Would have loved to have seen Favre rush back in one week only to have been devoured by the Seahawks defense, though. Much more than I'm enjoying that oft putting picture of his face on Uma Thurman's body. It gets extra creepy when you realize that you just glanced down it's shirt, too. Freakin' Favre...

In all seriousness, though. What isn't be covered in all this Favre nonsense, is that the famed QB complained of memory loss in the same interview in which he discussed the rumors. Guess ESPN figured that's just not as entertaining an angle...


Last Week: 8-8-0

Overall: 53-52-5 (.505)


I'm not sure what Missouri's deal is, but they have NOTHING going on in terms of sexy coeds when it comes to Google Images. So much so that the guy pictured above was literally the best looking fan I could find! The rest of the results were a bunch of strippers from ASU and this GIF of Katherine Webb deep throating some sort of Big Mac. Step your game up, Mizzou. If you're gonna have a top 5 team, you're gonna need at least a few shots of topless chicks wearing Tiger shorts. OR at least a chick wearing a ripped jersey while suggestively bringing her finger to her mouth. Come on, now! Give me somethin' to work with!

NCAA Top 25 Picks 
(1) Alabama (-28) vs Tennessee

(2) Oregon (-22.5) vs (12) ULCA

Penn St. (+14.5) @ (4) Ohio St.

(5) Missouri (-3) vs (20) South Carolina

(8) Stanford (-4) @ Oregon St.

Maryland (+14) vs (9) Clemson

(17) Oklahoma (-7) vs (10) Texas Tech

(14) Texas A&M (-17) vs Vanderbilt

Iowa St. (+13) vs (19) Oklahoma St.

Minnesota (+10) vs (25) Nebraska


Last Week: 7-4-0

Overall: 32-31-3 (.508)


That's it for me, friends. Enjoy the World Series, and I'll catch you next week...


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, October 18, 2013

Week 7 Picks: Here's The Beef...


MOST WICKED EXCITING ALCS EVAHHHHH! It has been great, though. Great pitching, timely hitting. And I'd be saying that whether or not the Sox were taking a 3-2 lead back home, as that's just the type of purist Ted that I am. But thankfully, that's not the case. What is the case, is that I'll likely be missing game 6 and if necessary, a game 7, due to a wedding of a big New York Yankees fan! Freaking sons of bitches. Even when they beat that team they end up coming back to screw me. Whatever. If I know me, and I do, this will all probably be for the best. And by "for the best", I obviously mean that I'll end up with a great story about my own personal misery that's virtually guaranteed to entertain...

Freakin' Yankees. Oh, and I'll be missing the majority of these games I'm about to pick, too. So there's that. Let this serve as a reminder to you all that early October is not the most ideal time to throw a wedding. At last not if you don't want to end up feeling the wrath of a cellar dweller with too much free time on his hands. OR pretty much anyone from the south...or the likes baseball. Yeah, just don't do it. Get married in the Summer. Sure, it's hot as shit, and you'll likely end up sweating through your suit. But, whatever. Small price to pay. You know, for avoiding the wrath, and whatnot...

Bastards. Always ruinin' my well crafTed lifestyle. Well, whatever. Let's pick some games. Enjoy, Teds...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Week 6 Picks: CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, BANANA!


So the good news is that the Tigers beat the A's to advance to play the Red Sox in the ALDS. That's also the bad news. Bad, because they're arguably the most complete team in baseball with the most dominant front line pitching. But good news because it means the Red Sox magical season can't possibly end at the hands of Cocaine Crisp and the Oakland A's. Sorry, A's fans. No (inevitable and undeserving) disrespect intended, but I'd much rather my team be the perceived underdog. Last thing I want is for this season to end on what could be termed as a choke job. Not saying it still couldn't happen within an actual game, or whatever. Bill Buckner and such. But I'm just more comfortable with the feeling that should this run happen to end in the ALCS, that it won't be ended by a group of no name rookies and Red Sox retreads. Oh, right. And they've got a Cuban guy in there somewhere. AH YES! CUBAN B!!!...

Call it loser talk, if you'd like. But it's just a mindset. And it makes me feel better thinking this way, even if I know I don't really believe it. So leave me be. Cuban B, if you will. And if you won't, well then I don't think I've got anything for ya. Unless you merely came looking for this week's NFL and NCAA picks. In which case I've got you covered. Pun intended. At least in hindsight...

Now let's go!

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

ALL ABEARD! We're Goin' To The 'Ship...


In a game that embodied their season's success to date, the Red Sox used strong starting pitching, a dominant bullpen and clutch hitting to further their worst to first campaign and reach their first American League Championship Series appearance since 2008. A fitting end, to say the least, that saw Breslow and Uehara nail down what Peavy started, with the offense providing of a few timely hits and a lot of savvy on the base paths. Rather encapsulating, don't you think? I know I do. If for no other reason than I get to use the word "encapsulating"..

SO, now it's on to the ALCS. A's? Tigers? It shouldn't matter. Either way, it figures to be hard fought and intensely entertaining. Even without the presence of Mr. Entertainment himself, Joe "the Madd Scientist" Maddon. That guy really is the best. Emu lookin' bastard. I'm gonna miss him. But, the show must go on. With or without his creepy pets, sketchy tactics and his hipster chic thick rimmed frames...

It really is great to have the Sox back on the main stage, though. And it seems even more satisfying knowing how they got there. Not saying they over achieved. I think it's apparent now that the talent was always there with this team. But the "us against the world" mentality, whether contrived or not, has really made this an endearing team to watch, and the most enjoyable team to root for since the idiots of 2004. Now, here's to hoping that they can make good on ending their season in a similarly appropriate fashion. Even if their bearded success will make that much easier for the GUY KID Bruins fans to latch on to the ever growing bandwagon...

ALL ABEARD!!!...(making sure to get as many of those in as I can before it becomes the rally cry for all the PinkHats at the next duck boat parade...)


As for last week's football picks, they were predictably mediocre. It's OK, though. Workin' on a new strategy for next week that will provide guaranteed winners. OR not. In the meantime, here's a picture of Scarlett Johansson in honor of her again being named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. Quite the achievement. And she's more than just blonde locks and a big rack, too. As proven yet again in her turn as Janet Leigh in Hitchcock, which recently made it's debut on HBO (how else would I have seen it?). So, you should check that movie out. OR, at the very least, you should have yourself a Google Image search of "Scarlett Johansson GIF" to make sure you get an adequate and respectfully appropriate Scarlett fix in honor of her...well, honor. I know that's what I'm gonna do. After I give her ass wagging entrance in Hitchcock another look, of course. Which is a film worth watching, by the way. Ass wagging aside, it's an interesting take on a well known man with a great cast. Definitely worth the 90 minutes if you find yourself with time between deciding whether or not to add Nick Foles to your plethora of fantasy football teams...

Catch ya Friday...

NFL Picks

Last Week: 7-7-0

Overall: 34-39-4 (.468)

NCAA Picks

Last Week: 5-8-0

Overall: 21-22-2 (.489)


#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, October 04, 2013

Week 5 Picks: Dumpster Fires, Dude...


Here I was. All set to go on a rant on how too many people (mostly Teds, nerds and Grantland fanboys) were analyzing TV shows as if they were real things (like a sports team or player). And then Drew freaking Magary beat me to it with his weekly "Dick Joke Jambaroo". I was even going to try and tie in Bryan Cranston's beard and the fact that he's on the phone with the Red Sox and their quest for the World Series. But, whatever. When you're beaten to the punch by a segment called the "Dick Joke Jambaroo", it's probably a sign that you should just cut your losses and move on. And I say that with the utmost respect...

So this is me, moving on. Enjoy...

Friday, September 27, 2013

Week 4 Picks: The Man Diaper Diaries...


You could try to convince me that the only reason the NFL sent the Steelers to London wasn't to get this picture. OMG BIG BEN & BIG BEN!! GET IT, GUYS?!? BAAAHAHAHAHA! But you probably wouldn't have much success. Much like I haven't been having much success at picking games, this year. Whatever. At least I'm not a huge Ted on a shitty team from a shitty city, sharing a nickname with a stupid clock. So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice. Unless of course there's a Bag Munman clock out there, somewhere. In which case I'd totally want my picture taken in front of it...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Time to Weird Out With Your Beard Out...


It dawned on me yesterday as to why, let alone even talking about them, Red Sox fans aren't head over heels for the most exciting baseball team to hit this town in a decade. And, yes. that picture above has something to do with it. Now it's your job to find out if it's a clever reference to something sports relaTed, OR merely foreshadowing the fact that I'm going to trick you into clicking on a hyperlink that sends you to WhiteMeatSpin.com...

Your move, Interwebbers...

Friday, September 20, 2013

Week 3 Picks: Try Not To Blow It...


What a difference 48 hours makes, huh? Just a few days ago I was tossing about humble brags in regards to my fantasy football team, and one vintage Vick performance later, I'm wondering if my team will ever win again. Not to mention my once thriving fantasy baseball team is plummeting and my golf team is holding on for dear life. But, hey. That's how these things work, right?. Sometimes you're flush, sometimes you're bust, and sometimes all you're left with is lousy quotes from old Johnny Depp movies...

...that one was from Blow, in case you missed it. And speaking of cocaine...OK, I don't really have a segue ready for that. But let's see if we can't make enough money this week so we could actually afford some, should the mood strike...

Let's pick some winners, friends. Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

How Lo Can You Go...


Remember that scene in Jackie Brown, when Samuel L. feels he has to kill Bobby D.? And how while he's doing it, he agonizingly says to him, "What the fuck happened to you, man? Your ass used to be beautiful."? No? Well, I linked to it, you lazy bastards. So feel free to check it out so you know what I'm talking about. And then you'll know how I feel on days like this past Tuesday. Where not once, but twice I turned on Boston sports talk radio (2 different stations) to find them talking about the possible return of former Bruins goalie Tim Thomas. You heard me. The possible return, of a guy whose sport doesn't even start for another few weeks, and who isn't even currently on an NHL team's active roster!!!

But, yeah. It's not like the Red Sox are on the doorstep of a historic playoff run, or anything. OR like the Patriots are as shadily interesting as they've been in ages, thanks to their depleted roster. No, yeah. Let's talk hockey. Because that makes a lot of sense...

Poor Boston sports talk. What was once a beacon on the sports landscape, now reduced to little more than First Take sans the pictures. OMG TUUKKA CLODE LUCIC GUY!!

And if you think I'm just bitter, you're probably right. I mean, I'm coming off the best fantasy weekend any one of you has probably ever seen (MICHAEL VICK GON MAKE YOU SICK!!), yet I still chose to chew out the industry in which I still hold out hopes of making my career instead of bragging about my god-like performance. Except right there, where I just mentioned it in perhaps the worst humble brag of all time...

I'm not not all gloom and doom, though. And to prove it, here's this:


This (no link needed):

This (likewise):



And this, too. Which is arguably the greatest obituary I've ever read. Matter of fact, it's so good that I think I might even claim it as my own when I finally shed this mortal coil. I mean, I'll probably change the name. but I'm already leaning towards using the current picture. Should serve as the perfect compliment to my proposed gravestone inscription... #RIP

And just for good measure, to prove once and for all that I'm really not (always) a cynical bastard. Here are 5 Lindsay Lohan GIFs...


Leave it to Lindsay to serve as the proof that not all hope is lost...even if virtually all of these GIFs were created before she spent several stints in rehab. Whatever. Details...

And here's a round up of this past weekend's picks. Not as pretty as the view above, but at least I'm trending in the right direction. Well, at least with my NFL picks...which basically means my results are equally as shitty as last week, just differently dispersed. Again. Details...


NFL Picks

Last Week: 8-7-1

Overall: 13-17-2 (.438)

NCAA Picks

Last Week: 3-4-1

Overall: 8-7-1 (.531)


Anyway, I'll catch you Friday, friends. We'll talk hockey. OR maybe football. Ya know, whichever seems more relevant at the time. Probably have a few more Lindsay GIFs, too. Because why the Hell not...

#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, September 13, 2013

Week 2 Picks: Manziel Without A Cause...

Fantasy golf...?
Last week, I went 5-10-1. And if you're looking for excuses as to reasons why, well then you've come to the right place. Nah, i won't actually give it excuses. Not like you want to hear about how I'm distracted by the stretch runs in my rotisserie baseball or fantasy golf leagues, or that I'm already dealing with a myriad of injuries across both of my big money fantasy football teams (pretty sure I got a tight end that's about to lose a toe...). Matter of fact, trying to use that as any excuse would probably only get the whole conversation sidetracked as you drift off trying to imagine what kind of super degenerate competes in fantasy golf...

Well, I'm that kind of degenerate. Probably the reason why I'm up this early after working a 13 hour shift until nearly 3 in the morning. That's right. You feel like a terrible person for making fun of my fantasy golf team now, don't you? Realizing the time and effort I put in to help you out free of charge. No? OK. Well then you can just go ahead and fornicate yourself with an iron rod (I was tempted to say you could "Argo-fuck yourself, there. But I don't want to give that mediocre flick any more pub than it's already received. Though Alan Arkin did slay in the limiTed time he was on the screen). Not like 'Bags' Birdie Brigade' needs your support, anyway. You rat bastards...

Either way. You've probably already scrolled past all of this nonsense to get to the picks, anyway. So let's have at it...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

#NEVERFORGET



Originally, I was going to use this time to rip Argo (I finally saw it), discuss my worries about the Patriots (they looked like crap) and revel in the return of Clay Buchholz. But this seemed more appropriate...

Catch you Friday, friends...

#BAGSMUNMAN

Friday, September 06, 2013

Week 1 Picks: Upton At Them!!!


Well, I'm ready. Likewise, I'm pretty sure you're ready. Lord knows after last night that Peyton Manning and the Broncos are ready. And if me dreams are any indication, Kate Upton is always ready. So let's get to it. Oh, and just a little reminder as to how all this works:

You check in here every Friday-Saturday. Laud me for the picks I made that you agree with, criticize me for those that you don't. And then go make completely different picks all together over your myriad of gambling enterprises. Finally, at the end of the season you report that at least you "broke even", and then we all eagerly wait until we get to do it again next year...

We good? OK, great. Because next year is here. And it's time to break even. So, without further dudes. Let's break even in style...

Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

But Wait, There's More!


I spoke to a screenwriter, this weekend, at my sister's fantastic Indian wedding (this was before Ron Popeil cut me off on the Long Island Expressway). And we came to a startling quick consensus that Breaking Bad is probably the most annoyingly over analyzed show in the history of television. And not only that, but we also agreed that we thought the writers had bought into all of the over analysis, and that it had started effecting the way they were crafting their episodes. You know, overloading them with potential foreshadowing and insisting that every episode come equipped with a cliffhanger ending. Not that cliffhangers aren't great, but any trick that's used every single time will more often than not begin to become stale and predictable. Much like it's begin to happen here...
OMG WALT SHAVED HIS HEAD!
THAT MEANS FANBOY FANBOY
BEST SHOW EVAAAAAHH!

Now, whether any of that's true or not, that positive reinforcement from a  (combined with what I've felt have been a few lackluster episodes) has encouraged me to abandoned my recent attempts at a weekly review, in hopes of being able to salvage any enjoyment I could possibly get from the final 4 episodes. At the very leas I've got Boardwalk Empire to look forward to, as that series reboots with season four this Sunday after football. A show my new friend and I agreed provides all the entertainment value of Breaking Bad, without a good chunk of the inherent pretentiousness. We also agreed that we preferred the acting of Steve Buscemi, Jack Huston & Stephen Graham (not to mention Jeffrey Wright) to that of Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul and Dean Norris, and discussed our mutual love for everything Marcia Gay Harden that doesn't include Aaron Sorkin (because Sorkin can't write for female characters, obv). But I'll just stop my gushing now before either any of you (or this dude's wife) get the wrong impression. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except for, you know. The potential for intellectual adultery...

Oh, and as for the legendary pitchman that almost ran me off the road in his Mercedes as I attempted to maneuver my way on the LIE (his 'RONCO' vanity plates gave him away)? I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. OR, to use the parlance of that rat bastard's times. I'd be more than happy to "set it and forget it". You know, as long as he sends me a complimentary pocket fisherman. Besides, Ron's nearly ending my life doesn't even register as relevant in a weekend that saw (A) my burning of rice puffs and clarified butter at the behest of some sort of priest setting off the fire alarm in the middle of my sister's ceremony, and (B) my getting changed in the same tuxedo shop that saw this go down back when Ben Stiller was still considered funny...

Yeah, I'd say if I had to comment on the enjoyment and entertainment of this weekend I'd definitely classify it as "strong to very strong"...


As for the rest of the myriad of sports and entertainment scene that I often offer commentary, I don't have too much to report. The Red Sox continue to cruise along, with last night being arguably their most satisfying win of the season. Between Lester, Middlebrooks, the bullpen and the fact they were up against Scherzer (19-2) and Detroit. And Kate Upton was named model of the year. Mostly because she's a beautiful woman and one of the few models who weighs more than 100 pounds and doesn't look like she was just kicked off the H-train. But mostly because virtually everything she does can be turned into a GIF that prominently features her fun bags. And that's going to win you a lot of awards and make you a lot of money more often than not. This is America, after all. And if you don't like big breasted blondes doing provocative things, then you can get the fuck out...

But, hey. Before you do. Don't forget that you're going to want to come back on Friday, red blooded American or not. I'll have the first installment of my 2013 NFL & NCAA picks (if you want the pick for Thursday. head to Twitter). I'll say again that I'm long overdue for variance to rear it's ugly head, but that's not gonna stop me from attempting to continue defying the odds while basically not profiting at all...

It's all good, though. I live to serve, after all. And by that, I mean I'm almost never happy in these situations unless I'm miserable. And there isn't anything quite as agonizing as being convinced that the only reason you're beating the book is because you don't actually have any money on the line. But, such is my life. And I'll continue to offer up my tortured soul as entertainment for the masses...

NFL Picks

Last Season: 171-120-9 (.585)

Overall: 951-606-56 (.607)

NCAA Top 25 Picks

Last Season: 90-56-3 (.614)

Overall: 544-340-22 (.613)


Gaudy numbers, huh? Yep. And those results put me in an elite class of Interweb handicapper, too. But there's no reason that should help drive traffic to my site. Not like there's a large chunk of the populous out there that likes to win money betting on football, or anything...

So, yeah. Friday, friends. I'll see you then. And don't worry. I'll make sure my picks don't come with an abundance of over analysis...

#BAGSMUNMAN