Friday, December 14, 2012

Week 15 Picks: Go Bengal Yourself...

So, remember on Wednesday when I rubbed all your noses in the fact that I was still alive and thriving in the fantasy football playoffs? Well, today I'm feeling most of your pain. And I'm also ready to change "Bengal" from a term for an amount of Meth, to a verb describing a situation very much akin to a prison rape. As in, "Hey, Rooch sure is walking funny today..." "Shhhhhh. He got Bengaled, yo..." "Dammmmnnnnn"...

But it's cool. I've come back from worse. OK, maybe I haven't. But, screw you. You're team's garbage. And yes, I realize I'm not talking to anyone in particular. But, whatever. Somebody has to feel my wrath. I can't keep it inside my person. Then I'd probably end up clippin' some pedestrian with my car and thinking that somehow things had just evened out for me. I call it doin' "a Donte'". You know. As in Stallworth? Man, can that guy flee a scene. Flees it right into the end zone! OH!

Nah, but he killed a guy. Just like how I'm about to kill these picks! #toosoon


Week 15 Picks

New England Patriots (-5.5) vs San Francisco 49ers

Kicking things off, we've got the latest "game of the year". And while I think it will be closer than the Pats/Texans that proceeded it, I'm alos of the opinion that this will be yet another case of a game not living up to it's hype. Harbaugh's a great coach, and the 49ers are a very good team, but the Patriots are just playing too complete a brand of football to be F'd with on their own field...

I think Colin Kaepernick is the right choice for the Niners, and I think by the time they'll need to play for all the Marbs he could be ready for prime time. But he's just not consistent enough at this point to be trusted in such a huge spot. That, and this game falls in my "take the Pats and the points against non divisional opponents" wheelhouse. So, to no one's surprise. I'm taking the Pats. Hence the bold type below the picture...

New York Giants (+1.5) @ Atlanta Falcons

Could it be a coming of full circle for my fantasy team this week in Atlanta? Well, probably not after the freakin' Bengals took my fantasy innocence. But, David Wilson. The rat bastard I told all of you to be on the look out for in your fantasy draft. May finally get a chance to redeem himself with starter Ahmad Bradshaw looking "iffy" as of when I'm virtually penning this column. Could the very player that ruined so many of my hopes, dreams and plans, ride back into town and save my fantasy season from inevitable ruin? OR will he just fumble and cry again, forcing Ahmad Bradshaw to run it 25 times on one leg?

I'm guessing the latter, but I'm picking the Giants, anyway. Atlanta's overrated. Just like Homeland. Bu we'll get to that later...

Chicago Bears (+3) vs Green Bay Packers

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

In looking for advice last week, someone said to me: "It would be very "Dallas" of them to go in and win against Cincy, but then probably spit the bit next week at home against Pittsburgh". Well, they pulled off step one, and I'm likin' them to finish off the Bipolar Texas Two Step this week against a Pittsburgh team that may finally be getting healthy...

Oh, and I'm picking Chicago because it would be very "Chicago" of them to pull this one off only to trip over themselves coming down the stretch and into the playoffs. Both Chicago and Dallas have that knack for being able to look extremely talented and completely inept during the same drive. It really is a beautiful thing. And by beautiful, I mean it's about time a bunch of people in those two cities lost their jobs...

Denver Broncos (-2.5) @ Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens couldn't beat Kurt Cousins, when push came to shove. You think they're gonna be able to beat Peyton Manning? I know I sure don't. Pfffft. Cousins. That's not even a name! That's a group of people whom you're forced to talk to during the holidays. But there's a 45% chance you bathed nude with them at one point in your life, so you gotta stay humble...

Carolina Panthers (+3) @ San Diego Chargers + OVER 45

Last week, both the Panthers and Chargers did more to resemble the teams a lot of pundits thought they'd be before the start of the season. This week, one of them will likely return to shitting the bed. I'm guessing it's gonna be the Chargers. Mostly because of Norv Turner and Phil Rivers. And I seen Cam Newton do some shit last week that I haven't seen since Robert Griffin III. So he might be back up to his old tricks...

OR he might have just gotten up for the divisional tilt with Atlanta. Meh, either way. I'm not taking San Diego as a favorite against any team with a pulse. The Panthers have that pulse. It might be weak, like that of a frail prisoner post Bengaling. But it's a pulse, dammit. And that's good enough for me...

I'm not even picking the Seahawks, this week. But that underboob was just too good to pass up. Kinda like a good Donte' Stallworth joke. Ya know, except with gorgeous breasts instead of vehicular manslaughter...

Arizona Cardinals (+6.5) vs Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings (+3) @ St. Louis Rams

Jacksonville Jaguars (+7) @ Miami Dolphins

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) @ New Orleans Saints

Indianapolis Colts (+8.5) @ Houston Texans

Buffalo Bills (+5.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

Washington Redskins (+4) @ Cleveland Browns

Oakland Raiders (-3) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Monday Night

Tennessee Titans (-1) vs New York Jets

You wouldn't know it based on all the negativity, but the Jets are still alive for the playoffs. Obviously, that needs to stop being the case...

And yes, I realize that MegaStorm Sandy isn't a laughing matter. But that's a funny shirt. And that was a damn good concert, too. I know, all that destruction wasn't worth that amazing lineup and that fantastic show. But...but, nothing happened to my house? So....

Nah, getting your community leveled definitely isn't cool. And I still wish the best for those people and their recovery. The Jets, on the other hand. Well I help they just wither and die. And maybe they can wrangle themselves up a benefit concert with Dexy's Midnight Runners & that first girl group that Diddy put together on reality TV...

THIS ONE'S FOR REX!!! 2!! 3!! 4!!...Come on, Eileen...

Last Week: 9-7-0

Overall: 129-96-9 (.571)

Twitter Picks: 27-11-2 (.700)

Just a few brief thoughts before I finish out the week. And for real, this time. They'll actually be brief...

*I've already said it across a myriad of social networks, but I'm reserving the rights to the fantasy team name "Prom Night Demspter Babies". As for Dempster's actual impact on the Red Sox. I think the more decent arms you've got, the better. But that's all Dempster is. A middle of the rotation, "decent" arm. Welcome...

*The Angels are going to be really good. It's just a shame that they didn't lose Pujols and replace him with Hamilton. Then the papers would have used the headline "Angels Fix Pu-Holes With Preparation H". OH! No, but seriously. That offense is gonna Bengal the shit out of people...

*Unsupervised > Homeland. Not a joke. Even if the latter happens to star Inigo Montoya...

*Treat all ESPN personalities, especially those on "Cold Take", like most parents treat their whiny punk kids in public. Just ignore them, and eventually they'll go away. Hopefully to prison...

*I'm frightened by the NFL's alleged proposals of eliminating kickoffs and expanding the playoffs. IT AIN'T BROKE, YOU TEDS! STOP TRYIN' TO FIX IT!!!

That's it for me, Teds. Have a great weekend, finish your freaking Christmas shopping, and I'll talk to you next week...

Teddy Williams...



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