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Friday, December 07, 2012

Week 14 Picks: Except The Weasel...


Greetings, my fellow degenerates. Did you get your betting week off to a good start by taking Denver and the points last night? You did?!? Well, congrats to you. You just bet against a trend that had seen the last 23 double digit home underdogs go 22-1 against the spread, and lived to tell the tale. Yeah. You're a lucky bastard. But hey, luck is great! It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. Wait, I think I said that wrong...

No matter. Here, I make my own luck. Mostly by setting myself as the center of some perverse universe in which the betting Gods are conspired against me, and working from there. But there are also some hard numbers involved there, too. And if a team happens to have a readily available photo of an attractive half nude female sporting their team gear? Yeah, that's probably not gonna hurt their chances, either...

Enjoy...

Week 14 Picks

Washington Redskins (-2) vs Baltimore Ravens

No sexy football temptress needed for this pick, but what the Hell. Right?

I was saying last night that I think the Ravens are the worst 9-3 team I can remember, and it's quite possible that the Redskins are the best team in recent memory with a less than stellar record of 6-6. And it's mostly due to their quarterbacks, too. I'm not in the camp that says Joe Flacco "sucks", per say. But I am in the ever growing camp that agrees that Bobby G #3 is rapidly becoming one of the league's biggest difference makers. It's a fun camp, where we sneak across the lake to the girls camp and try to score. Not that Tedded out Flacco camp, where they make dream catchers and tell stories about half nude women they've seen in the dressing rooms in the lingerie department of Sears. Which apparently sells clothes? Pretty sure I ate a pizza in one of those, once. But I an't say I remember seeing any legitimate clothing next to the dozens of VCRs...


Cincinnati Bengals (-3) vs Dallas Cowboys

I've been high on the Bengals lately. That woman above? She was also high on "Bengal". Which is obviously a slang term for "7 kilos of Meth". And if it's not, it definitely should be...

"Let me get a Bengal, dammit! Raarrrrrrrrararrrrrrrr!" (Sound a wild jungle cat would make. Akin to the sound "Sex Panther" makes when you open it...)



Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) vs New York Jets

St. Louis Rams (+3) @ Buffalo Bills

The only thing these two games have in common, is that I'm picking the 3 point underdogs. I like the Jags because the Jets are terrible, and I like the Rams because both they and Buffalo are both still clinging to their playoff lives. Should be a close one. IF you can help it, try not to watch either of these games. Just bet and look away. That usually proves a sound strategy...



New York Giants (-4.5) vs New Orleans Saints

These aren't the Giants we're used to. Pushing hard trough the second half of the season after stumbling through the first. Lucky for them, these aren't the Saints we're used to, either. And despite having appeared to have righted the ship a few weeks back, New Orleans has now dropped 2 straight by 10 a piece. Mostly because their defense is on par with that of a SUNY school, but it also isn't helping that their coaching staff remains a shell of it former self...

Probably isn't helping their competitive spirit that the basketball team that shares their city has changed their name to that of a large billed bird, either. But who are they to talk? Their team is named after a bunch of religious figures. And everyone knows religious people aren't good at sports. Their schools are good, because they recruit the inner city kids so they can then stick it back to their public school by dunking on them or running them over. But they're not good themselves. And no, I don't want to hear your "David and Goliath" references to combat my philosophy. Just pick the G-Men, and hope the Eli above isn't the one that graces this Sunday's services with his presence. That alone should be enough for them to cover...


Arizona Cardinals (+10.5) @ Seattle Seahawks

You seeing this, Marty? This one's for you. It's the season of faith, my friend. So have some faith in your team! I mean, they're not gonna win. But hey. Faith is an imperfect science. Except for the weasel...? Damn!

Happy holidays to you and yours, my friend. And here's to hoping your religious gift giving figure of choice puts a QB under your tree...or candelabra...or possibly aluminum Festivus pole? Either way. OH, and I donated money for you this to the Human Fund. You're welcome...



As for the rest of the slate, apparently I think all of the underdogs are going to cover the spread. Not sure how I came to all of those conclusions, exactly. But if history is any indicator (and it is), then that shouldn't really matter...

Carolina Panthers (+3.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

Detroit Lions (+7.5) @ Green Bay Packers

Kansas City Chiefs (+6.5) @ Cleveland Browns

Indianapolis Colts (-5.5) vs Tennessee Titans + OVER 47.5

Minnesota Vikings (+3) vs Chicago Bears

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Miami Dolphins (+10) @ San Francisco 49ers


Monday Night

New England Patriots (-3.5) vs Houston Texans

Finally, we have the main event. Two of the best teams in football, squaring off on the regular season's biggest stage. And despite the Texans sporting arguably the most well balanced team in the entire NFL, I'm still pick the Patriots as part of the "pick them to cover against on non-divisional opponent" technique. You know. The one I choose to use when it suits me and usually results in the Patriots winning? Yea, that technique...

Fact is, I don't see this one being a close game. Either the Patriots blow Houston out, much like Green Bay's high powered passing attack did earlier in the season. OR, the Texans impose their will on defense, and likewise make the Patriots their collective "bitch". I just don't like the chances of the latter happening due to Houston being on the road. Not that they're a bad road team, OR that the Patriots home field advantage is anything of note. But I just don't like their odds of pulling that off...

The football fan in me is hoping for a hard fought game that takes on the feeling of the AFC Championship, but the prognosticator in me just can't pull that trigger. Call me crazy for not taking an 11-1 team with the points, if you want. But just don't call me late to dinner...except the weasel. There, I think that time I made it work...


Last Week: 8-6-0

Overall: 120-89-9 (.571)

Twitter Picks: 26-10-2 (.711)


Good luck this weekend, you weasely bastards. And I'll catch you next week...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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