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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanksgiving Picks: #GobbleGobble


Gobble gobble, my damies. Thanksgiving is upon us, once again. A time where we gather together, and perform some of the most cherished pastimes that this great nation of ours has to offer. Like my personal favorite. Pretending to listen to a relative tell a story about their kids while simultaneously eating, watching football, and checking your fantasy team. Ah, yes. Traditions. That's what Thanksgiving is all about. And it's what helps separates us from the Canadians. That, and our extremely high crime rate...which might have something to do with our history being founded on the raping and pillaging of the people that actually helped spawn this great holiday. Oh well. Check it out! Football picks and a half naked pilgrim chick that may or may not be late 90s Pam Anderson!..?

FOOTBALL! FOOD! AMERICA! FAMILIAL INDIFFERENCE! HOOKERS! YEAH!!!

Let's go...

Thanksgiving Day Picks
Thigh? Breast? Leg?? Nah. He's got a thing for feet...
New England Patriots (-5-5) @ New York Jets

Last week my Patriots' betting strategy worked to a tee. Unfortunately, I didn't end up taking my own advice. I can be funny like that. And by funny, I obviously mean I'm paranoid. Little bit of a God complex in there, too. But whatever. I'll get some drugs, I'll be fine...

And so will the Patriots on Thanksgiving night when they travel to New York to take on the dysfunctional NFL family know as the Jets. It's almost like a bad sitcom they've got goin' on over there. Like a "My Two Dads" type situation, where Rex Ryan is the "Cliff Clavin". I know I just mixed two unrelated shows, but what I mean is he plays that Cliff Clavin roll. You know, the fat bastard that's merely there to spout insance ideas and provide typical fat guy comic relief. Or maybe Norm would be a better comparison. He was fatter. Whatever, you're on board. Fat guy, two idiots trying to make sense of life. It's a bad show. One that as I'm typing this, CBS is trying to sign to a five season deal. But still a very, very, very bad show...

That's why, despite the result of their first meeting (Pats OT win @ home), despite Gronk being out, and despite my now working theory that the Pats only cover as favorites in games outside of the division. I'm taking the Pats and the nearly 6 points. What can I say? Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Which on a holiday that's based all about gluttony, I'll take as a positive sign of things to come...


Washington Redskins (+3.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

Is there any player that seems more thankful for their position in the NFL than Robert Griffin III? I certainly don't think so. And since he's playing on a holiday that bases itself purely on giving thanks and being thankful, I'm picking his team to win. I don't care how the Cowboys typically perform on Thanksgiving. I don't care that they're at home at sporting a superior record. They're mediocre at best, and that makes them ripe for the  cornucopia compiling when they're spotting anybody points. You see what I did there? Yeah, you seen it. Ahhh holiday references and puns. They really are the best...


Houston Texans (-3) @ Detroit Lions + UNDER 52

Our final game on the slate actually brings us to our first game of the afternoon. The one you better hope is a blowout because it's the one you're most likely to miss the end of due to holiday obligations. I guess you might miss the end of the Pats/Jets, too, while you power through that food coma, but I digest (bam!)...

I like Houston because they're arguably the best team in football, and I like the UNDER because both teams are playing on short rest after coming off hard fought games with divisional foes. Granted, unfamiliarity can often lead to higher than normal scoring outputs. As can dog tired defenses. But I'll take my chances with the dinged up teams on the short week. Oh, and before you ask. I'm only taking this particular point total because it's 4 points higher than the other two. If they were north of 50, I'd be tempted to take the UNDERs there, as well...

Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with the local Indians.
Here's a gander at how I did with last week's picks. Solid in the NFL, lacking in college. But whatever. Can't win 'em all. I'll take 15-11-1 (.574) every time I can get it, though. That makes money. And that is, after all, what we're all attempting to do here in one way or another. Just like the pilgrims. Unfortunately, we can't make our bets with a knife to our bookie's wife's throat. That could be sweet. And be sweet, I mean illegal and creepy. But profitable. Oh my how the profits would roll in. Which is good. Because we'd need all the money we can get to fund our coke fueled run from the law that is sure to follow. Ahhh, traditions. It's what he holidays are all about...

NFL Picks

Last Week: 9-4-1

Overall: 98-78-7 (.555)

Twitter Picks: 19-9-1 (.672)

NCAA Picks

Last Week: 6-7-0

Overall: 74-48-3 (.604)


That's it for me, friends. One final gobble gobble to you all, and here's to wishing you and yours a happy and healthy Thanksgiving. OK, one more time...

#GobbleGobble

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