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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Lyin' King...


Ahhh yes. The death penalty. One of the few phrases that instantly elicits opinions that tend to be as passionate as they can be polarizing. Ya know, like "rape jokes". Though we won't get into that controversy here. Nope, I won't discuss how Daniel Tosh may have gone too far and ruined his career, but I will give my take on what should be the obvious steps to be taken if there's any hope of restoring order and normalcy in what once was a very Happy Valley. Yup, I used that pun. Deal with it...

It's not all bad, though, because since I'll be dampening the mood by discussing kid diddler cover ups, I'll make sure to finish up with a video clip of a certain buxom bikini model doing what she does best. And in between, I'll tackle the eventful week for the Sox, and how Bryce Harper could have easily played the bad guy in Stand By Me...

So, yeah. I'm all over the map. But it's cool, because I close it out with Kate Upton shaking what it is she must have inherited from her presumably fine ass mother. Damn, I gave away the big finish. Oh well. Read on anyway, friends. She's still there at the end, and I'm sure you'll find the middle at least a half a step up from whatever photos of food and feet your friends may currently be posting on Facebook...

Enjoy...

There really aren't any reasons to like Craig James, one of the central figures in the SMU 'pay for play' scandal that earned the program the vaunted 'Death Penalty'.

People talk about the "death penalty" when it comes to college sports, but what is it? Well, simply put, it's the complete elimination of a particular program for an allotted amount of time. The most popular example of which being when Southern Methodist was not allowed to play in the 1987 season after an NCAA investigation determined there was a lack of institutional control at the school, caused in no small part by the power and influence held by the football program. And there it is, for me. plain as day. "Lack of institutional control". And there's never been an example in the history of collegiate athletics of a bigger loss or abuse of institutional control than we've witnessed at Penn St. under the reign of Joe Paterno...

So for me, it's simple. You shut that thing down for at least the next 1-2 years, have them completely clean house, and then begin rebuilding a new football tradition that isn't centered around an old wrinkled tickle monster and a withered old whose greed and conceit were apparently only matched by the thickness of his legendary glasses. The old "cut off the head and the body will die", routine. And it should work, especially seeing as part of the head is already dead...

Now yes, I feel bad for the kids that signed on to play there. And yes, I feel bad for the vendors that are going to lose money without football. I'm not heartless. But that's life. And sometimes life just isn't fair. Kind of like it wasn't fair for those kids that were molested against their will, and who had nowhere to turn in hopes of finding any help or justice. So don't come at me with "fair". Even if life were fair, it would seem to me that the losses those in Happy Valley are about to incur can only begin to balance the karma after their years of apathy and deceit...

So, there ya go. Let the players transfer and shut that bitch down. Bulldoze the building with those shame stained showers, and make sure nobody there profits from football for at least the next 2 years (that time frame seems more appropriate the longer I think about it). As for the statue of Paterno? I say leave that to the masses. They want to leave it up? That's up to them. But only if it's left to serve as a cautionary tale. A reminder of what grave injustices can be done when we loose focus on what's really important, and for lack of a better term, become drunk with power. As creepy as it may seem to keep it standing, if that is indeed the thinking behind letting it stand, then I find it shadily appropriate. After all, it's the history we forget that we are doomed to repeat, and what better way to avoid repeating it if you're constantly faced with a powerful reminder of how perilous a loss of proper perspective can become...

It's on you, Penn St. And after years of making the wrong decision, here's to hoping you finally start making some right ones. If for no other reason, than to restore pride in the community that you've thoroughly disgraced through your indecision, indifference, and flat out criminal negligence...

Crawford and Ellsbury are finally back, but that doesn't mean the Sox
will necessarily start shooting up the standings...

Moving on to a slightly more pleasant topic, we come to the Red Sox. Ellsbury's back, Crawford's back, Youk is back, if only as a visitor. Just a lot going on of late in Red Sox Nation. What does it all mean? Well unfortunately, not too much. Mostly because none of those players I mentioned happened to be front end starting pitchers. Oh, and it doesn't help that all of these returns coincide with Papi's possible departure, either...

Yup, that's what you get from me on the Sox, this week. Still fun to watch, still scoring a ton of runs, but barring several major acquisitions, they're a team that's still 1-2 effective starting pitchers away from legitimately competing for the 2012 World Series. And that's what makes this such a difficult situation. It's not like you need someone to "fill out" your rotation, you need several guys to lead this rotation. That's a role expected to be held down by Josh Beckett and Jon Lester, but with those two faltering, the 2012 Red Sox seem too difficult to "fix" with any sort of deadline deal. Kind of makes performances by a guy like Aaron Cook as frustrating as they are statistically perplexing. Cook's one of those guys you love to see achieve out of nowhere and help round out your roster in time for the playoffs. But as of right now, his pleasantly surprising performance is more just a statistical anomaly than it is a reason for hope...

So yeah. Frustrating But Fun: The Story of the 2012 Boston Red Sox. Oh, well. I suppose things could be worse. Instead of being frustratingly underachieving, 10 1/2 games back in the division and fighting for that one-game Wild Card spot, they could be...I don't know. The Royals? Yeah, I'd say that would be considerably worse. Not only would you suck, but you would be playing in front of fans that apparently aren't even sure which state they're in. Almost make the Pink Hats look smart, don't they? Yeah, not quite. But almost...

As for Red Sox executive, Bill James, voicing his opinion that he thinks Joe Paterno is getting a bad deal? That falls under the "better to keep your mouth shut and have people assume you;re a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt." Listen, Bill. Stick to crunching computer numbers and finding us the next great starting pitcher and STOP going around telling people that you think the man that an FBI report clearly showed harbored a child molester is getting a raw deal! Especially since you yourself look like the type of guy that probably doesn't wanna be associated with anything "pro child molester". Hey, just sayin. Heavy set guy, beard, reclusive. Listen, I don't make the stereotypes, I just know about 'em. So keep your mouth shut, and stop making clown comments, bro...

I'm Bryce Harper, and that's MY dead body, Jerry Romijn-Stamos!

With his latest "spat" with Ozzie Guillen serving as my motivation, I got to thinking this week as to exactly why most people view Washington Nationals rising star, Bryce Harper, as a garden variety punk. And it hit me. There are two main reasons why most people you ask on the street would think this upstart is immature and merely an inside pitch away from losing it and going all Jose Offerman on peeps:

First: He attracts controversy, but never seems to be the cause of it. He's like the Rasheed Wallace of this. In that Sheed was on the "JailBlazers" yet he was only really a "bad guy" on the court, and never off it. Yet people always just assumed one because of the other. Between the Hamels beaning, the flap with Guillen, and the minor league incident that most onlookers say wasn't "really" Bryce's fault, there are just a bunch of instances where he was involved in controversy, but never the cause of it and never one to pile on after the fact.

Secondly: His name is Bryce Harper. A name that sounds like its straight out of central casting for a punk-type villain. Say, like the type of white trash villain that Kiefer Sutherland played in Stand By Me. It's just easy to believe that someone with that name is a bad guy, right? Were his name "John Thomas", for instance, I think people would be more willing to consider him a mild mannered youngster. But you hear "Bryce Harper" and you imagine the same faux hawk sporting, wildly aggressively playing youngster we see before you. And, for better or worse, you'd think that type of guy/player would be mixing it up, talking loads of smack and taking on all comers. It's just not the case. Which selfishly, I find rather unfortunate...

So, yeah. Bryce Harper. Sounds like a bad dude, but there's still a chance he just might not be. I'll keep tabs on it, though. And let you kow if he goes from simply being aggressive, to acting like a clown, bro...

Two brief notes before I finish up with Kate Upton:

Ahh yes. The virtual Field of Dreams...
*Might have found my new calling. And instead of attempting to describe it's greatness myself, I'll just allow the website's opening statement do all the talking for me. IT's, its...it's just glorious...

"Welcome to Digiturf.com - the world's revolutionary online horse racing game! Here you can experience the thrill of owning, training and racing virtual horses in live 3D. Explore your stable management skills and apply your winning strategies as you race against a global community of players for Real Cash Prizes."

Yup, might be done with fantasy spots, kids. I mean, if I can build my own freaking racehorse, and more importantly, NAME a shit load of 'em. Hell, maybe even name a stable! Yeah, I think that has the potential to dominate all of the time I use for fantasy sports...

Needless to say, I'll be checking it out and giving you all a full report, so stay tuned. And don't be shocked if you see my virtual 3 year old, Medium Rare, coming to a an Intraweb winner's circle somewhere near you...


LEGEND
*And finally, Bob Ryan announced his retirement, earlier this week. Saying he'll be scaling "way back" on his duties at the Globe once he returns from covering the Summer Olympics. He'll still be around on a part time basis, but Ryan himself said his time has "come and gone", and that "it's time for somebody else to have their run"...

Bob's the best, and he will be dearly missed. And I agree with his overall contentions, that the business has changed for the worse, and his leaving is really only going to make that landscape all the more barren of any "legitimate" talent. He's one of the few left that really understood the job, and brought a great insight and passion to his craft. He's still "Sports Reporters" in a "First Take" world, and unless he wants to start screaming at the top of his lungs for a living, he's probably right in wanting to fade into the sunset...

So thank you, Bob Ryan. For all of your hard work, and your dedication to a job that plays such a huge role in so many lives. And at the risk of sounding as if I'm paying tribute to a dead man, I'll say again. You will be missed...


So there you have it friends, so as promised, here's the latest piece of work from another master of her craft. The fabulous Ms. Kate Upton. She's to wet t-shirt contests what Bob Ryan is to sports writing. And sorry if I just put the image of Bob Ryan in a wet t-shirt in your head. Here, watch this. Get that nasty ass thing outta there...
  


Yeah, she's a pros pro if I've ever seen one...


So there you have it, friends. Next week, be on the lookout for my review of the Dark Knight Rises. I'll be there Saturday night with a select viewing party, and as I'm sure you can imagine that I'll hold no punches when telling you whether or not the third installment of this successful Summer series is worthy of your movie going dollar...

Until then, have a great week. And I'll catch you on the flipman...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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