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Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Sterling, Kaufman, Draper, Hood


There are few things more American, more capitalistic, than the NFL Draft. More specifically, there are few things more American than the analysis of the NFL Draft. A full blown cottage industry all in itself, it's inhabited almost exclusively by those who have themselves, in a best case scenario, once been fired from the position that they themselves are now trying to critique. I'm not trying to call them out as "uninformed" or "unqualified", they're far from it, I'm just appropriately labeling this event. Not as a true evaluation and unveiling of new talent, but just merely as another form of advertising. Advertising for the NFL and it's brand of entertainment. Which is why I have those two stone cold pimps at the top of the page sharing the same picture. They're both kings in their respective worlds of advertising, and while one may smoke a few more unfiltered cigs than the other, they both unapologetically go about their work, filled with the confidence that their methods, while not the tendencies of the masses, are more than capable of getting the job done...

That's what Bill Belichick is in terms of the NFL Draft. He's the Draft's Don Draper. As efficient and successful as he is mysterious and unpredictable. Someone that uses every angle to his advantage, and let's their track record speak as to why they never feel the need to explain their actions. It's like Brad Pitt says to Jonah Hill in Moneyball, "You think it's a problem us having to explain ourselves. Don't". And these two men have never lost any sleep over wondering if those within their industry have made heads or tails of the decisions they've made. Something you have to feel contributes directly to the fact that they find themselves at the top, and are often considered geniuses in their respective fields. Fictional or not...

I've got more on that, and some notes on the Sox, but if you're looking for reaction to Rondo and Rose, you've come to the wrong place. There is a good chance I may have a video of a monkey riding a dog, though, if you'll allow that to substitute for some talk about the NBA. OK, maybe not this week, but usually there's a pretty good chance of that going down, and you have to admit, it would probably just as entertaining as discussing a league full of floppers, whiners and prima donnas...

Read on, friends. And enjoy...


You think he's going to trade down? He trades up. You think he's going to take guy A? He takes guy Z, and 5 rounds before the "experts" had him going. A disturbing trend, but not if those "questionable" decisions come accompanied with a track record for success. That's what you've gotta love and respect about Bill Belichick. Guy has such a seemingly quirky way of going about his business, yet he does it to rave reviews. So much so, that the analysts like Kiper and McShay think he's making some of his decisions just to make them look the fool. Sure, they don't come out and say that directly, but the looks on their faces can't hide what it is their mouths might not be actually trying to say...

That's why, when it comes to evaluating the NFL Draft, or in particular, the Patriots 2012 NFL Draft, I won't go as far to say "In Bill I Trust", and blindly accept the selections, but I will more or less throw up the white flag and admit that I'm not in a position to judge. Yeah, you heard me right. Yours truly, of all people, not in a position to judge. I liken it to my Agnostic take on religion. I don't deny a higher power, or the existence of spirituality, but I also don't think I've read or seen any religion or group that's convinced me that they know what's going on, either. So, I don't judge religion. Why? Because I didn't live how you lived, don't know what you've been taught to believe, and could never get inside your mind enough to why you make the religious decisions you do. Replace religion with football, which most in the South do anyway, and you can see it's a pretty simple example. "God", or whatever higher power you choose, is to the Universe, what Bill Belichick is to Patriots' football operations. You have a feelin' that both of them are workin' their magic, somehow, but you'll be damned if you'll ever get to ask them a direct question and receive a direct answer in return...

Can Jones and Hightower play? Is there a God?
These are the questions...
So, Chandler Jones? I don't know, looked slow to me on film and played for a crappy Syracuse team where he didn't even post great numbers. Tavon Wilson? The pick that made McShay (the Ken Cosgrove of this) and Kiper (at best the Bert Cooper) go "Who?" and basically spawned the idea for my opening statements? I wouldn't know him if he came in my house and tried to punch me in the face...which is exactly what Patriots' 7th round pick, Alfonzo Dennard, did 5 days before the Draft. Not me, per say, but a Nebraska police officer. Either way, they're picks that make you wonder if the front office was well enough prepared. Or at least it would if you hadn't seen the results over the better part of the last decade...

Andy Kaufman. Bat shit crazy genius... 
That's what I mean. You want to make heads or tails of that stuff, be my guest, but trying to figure Bill is like trying to predict the next gag from legendary comedian and performance artist, Andy Kaufman. Is the joke on us, is the joke on them? You never really know. All you know is that when Andy is done, you're entertained, and when Bill is done, you've won a ton of games. Ya know, maybe I would have been better off comparing Bill to Andy then to Don. After all, Bill is more of the squirrely and mercurial bastard, that Kaufman was, and Andy did turn the industry up on it's ass more than a time or two, much like Bill is accused of doing more or less all the time. But nah, I already made that Draper/Belichick picture in Photoshop and told Frosco I was going to use it. Besides, I'd much rather picture the leader of my football team as a stone suave and sophisticated manipulator and business man than I would a guy that made the majority of his money pretending to beat up women...

To sum it up, I don't know how Bill goes about deciding to make the proverbial delicious sausage that is Patriots' football, and while I'd love to get access to that though process, there's no way we're ever getting in that back room to see him funneling player parts into that organizational casing. That's just the way it is. I do know he gets the job done, though, and at an alarmingly successful rate, so while it might be entertaining to be given more insight to his process, I think we're all better off just leaving him to his work...

It's called L-S-D. You'll love it. 
Oh and I wanna mention Roger Sterling, real quick. Ya know, justify his placement in the title and talk a little Mad Men. Now we know why the series has to end when it does, because I don't think too many people could stomach watching 'ole Rog get his member serviced by little Sally Draper. Thankfully Julia Ormond came to the rescue, this time, but the older she gets, the harder that potential story line is going to be to kill. Well played, Weiner. Well played. You're a good egg, no matter what Delmon Young says. And this season is shaping up to be the best one yet...

Big Papi's red hot start (.405/6/20) has been the fain factor in keeping
the Sox afloat through the early going. 
Red Sox Update

The Sox are winning, which is great, but I'm still upset that upper management is still so clearly inept. Not much anyone can do about it, let alone in season, but as I've said in the past, it's just upsetting to know that we've seen behind the curtain, and it's nothing but a storage room for the unsold pink hats. But like i said, the good news is the team is winning...

And they're doing that exactly how we thought they would before the season began. By scoring a shat ton of runs. First in the AL, if I'm not mistaken. And even if I am, they're still at the top of league in a category that many thought would be a weakness before the season began. I'll admit it does have a bit of a Danny Ainge, achieving despite your best efforts, feel to it, with a lot of production coming from supposed role players like Cody Ross ( 5 HR/18 RBI) and Ryan Sweeney (.373 AVG/.394 OBP), but riding this current wave of unexpected production should work out just fine if and when the pitching actually comes around. And of course that's the key. So goes the pitching, and so goes this team. Which is why I'd love to see Cherington...I mean Lucchino, make a move for another pitcher sooner rather than later. Especially considering that even after a slow start, the So are still right there in the AL East...

Can't complain, though. At least not with the performance of the players on the field. Winners of 7 of their last 8, smackin' the ball all over the yard. It's good to see. Now hopefully they can harness this momentum and carry it into a successful Summer...


Oh and while I may not have that monkey riding a dog, I do feel obligated to remind you that a group of more evolved monkeys will be riding a slightly larger animal this weekend in the form of the Kentucky Derby. I'm slackin' on my picks, right now, as I haven't even really gotten a good look at the field, but with 20 horses taking the track, there's certain to be no shortage of long shots on the board and potential exotic combinations that could fill your troughs with gold. Depending on my demanding schedule, I may or may not get a chance to post my picks on here, so make sure you stay tuned to me on Twitter for all the latest news and tips from the first leg of the Triple Crown. I may even be LIVE Tweeting from my local racetrack/off track betting parlor, how about that? And by "LIVE Tweeting", I mean recording the various fights that break out in that degenerate Hell hole and streaming them over the Interweb. I've even already taken off a day from work next week in preparation for the fact that I'll likely have to appear in at least one court case as an eye witness. Ahhh yes. Horse racing. It truly is the sport of kings. Smelly, swearing, drunken, dead beat kings...

And yes, here's a monkey riding a dog. I couldn't resist. And for future reference, just call him Whiplash. After all, he has a name and he deserves our respect...



Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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