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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Week 16 Picks: Happy Birthday Jesus!


Ho ho ho, my damies, and a Merry Christmas OR Happy Hanukkah to you all. And notice the OR is capitalized and emboldened there, friends. Ya know, for emphasis? Because you each only get to accept ONE of those greetings. To you enterprising religious types out there that like to celebrate both holidays? You get nothing. Not because I've suddenly become religious and don't think it's morally correct that a person should celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, but because I'm jealous that you rat bastards have beaten the system, and garnered yourselves 8-10 total days of legitimate gift getting, while I'm still sitting here like a schmuck with merely the 1-2...

So yeah, screw you, you double dippers, but make sure you know that those sentiments are coming from a place of love and jealousy, not a place of religious judgment. Ya know, because apparently these are religious holidays we're celebrating right now. Somethin' about a story of the magical birth of a young carpenter, who could turn water into wine and help the blind to see. I don't have all the facts, but I'm thinkin' that kid would have slayed on one of those reality TV type talent shows. Jerusalem's Got Talent? Man, oh man. He could have been huge. Oh well, in a lot of ways I'm sure getting spit on, beaten, nailed to a piece of wood and then rising from the dead was probably just as exciting. But I digress...

Yep, cuz we're here to pick games and tell jokes, not talk about religion. I mean, I guess if the joke has to do with religion it's cool, but either way, it's time to move on. Oh, and I'll be moving on using just one space after the end of each sentence. IT's all the rage, and all the cool bloggers are going it, so I'd figure I'd be wise to follow suit. No more "Two-spacing" for this guy. Well, at least not on purpose. Probably prove a tough habit to break, though. Freakin' muscle memory...

OK, now it's really onto the picks. I'm already feelin' good, after winning last night with the Colts and the points (+6.5), and I figure that savvy and successful selection can only bode well for the week to come.  That, and I nailed the top pick in my Confidence based NCAA Bowl pool when Boise St. beat Arizona St. by like 40 points. So I'm feelin' good. Hopefully, that'll carry over into this Holiday weekend...

...and I haven't caught myself "two spacing", yet, which has gotta be a good sign...

It's a huge week in the NFL, with 13 of the 16 games on tap having some sort of impact on the playoff race. Which is awesome, and props to the league for making it so all these divisional and rivalry type games were moved to the last few weeks of the season. Part marketing genius, part common sense and just overall good business. IT might still be the "No Fun League" as far as the players are concerned (ie - fines from Goodell), but from a fan perspective, this is one of the reasons why we're so appreciative of what the NFL brings to the table, and why it continues to keep us so wildly entertained. Props to you, football. Now make me look smart...

Week 16 Picks
Mrs. Tom Brady. Bet she filled a few stockings in her day ...
Miami Dolphins (+10) @ New England Patriots + OVER 48.5

It's another one of those seasons for me, with the Patriots, where I can never seem to win no matter which side of their game I pick. I think I'm like 4-9-1, or some garbage like that. It's really quite pathetic. Then again, it also goes a long way towards my "forest through the trees" betting philosophy, where the more you actually "see" of the team, the less likely you are to be able to correctly analyze their games. Ya know, with all the emotions and over analysis getting involved, and whatnot...

That being said, I have to take the Dolphins and the points this week, due mostly to the fact that, aside from Denver where they were playing for a playoff spot and a divisional title, the Patriots haven't really been blowing people out. I mean, they blew out some crappy teams, but most everyone else they've been beating by 7 or 8. I'll take my chances guessing that's what happens here, as New England should win, but might struggle to pull away from a scrappy Dolphin squad that's won 4 of their last 6, and are a respectable 4-3-0 on the road against the spread...

Arizona Cardinals (+5) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Look out, Tim, it's Santa-dusky!!!
The Cardinals are also 4-3-0 on the road ATS (against the spread), playing a Bengal team that's only 2-4-0 against the # when playing at home. That alone makes this a decent play, but it's not all I'm going on. Both of these teams still have slim playoff hopes and they both thrive on running the ball. That should keep this close, a place where the Cardinals have thrived over the past few months, having won 4 in a row and 6 out of their last 7. Right? That's a pretty nice run for a team who's QB (John Skelton) would have to be touched by Jerry Santa-dusky in order to finally get his name in the paper. I hear he "showers" the kids with presents. Yeah, I know. Too gross and too soon. Whatever. You laughed, I laughed, and then we both laughed at little Tebow. So it's all good...

Buffalo Bills (+3) vs Denver Broncos + UNDER 41

Going with Tebow and the points has been a pretty good strategy, but Tebow as a favorite? No thanks. I mean, if Jesus didn't help him beat the Patriots, he's not gonna help him cover the spread up in Buffalo, against a crowd that would gladly sell their souls for a shot at success. Although, I think a lot of them already sold their souls for the time the Sabres made the Stanley Cup Finals. Talk about a waste of a wish...

Carolina Panthers (-7.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Did you see the Bucs play last week against Dallas? Would you pick them after seeing that? Exactly...

Oh and feel free to laugh at me via Twitter when Tampa Bay wins by 40... @RoochNation



New York Jets (-3) vs New York Giants

Detroit Lions (-2) vs San Diego Chargers

Philadelphia Eagles (+2.5) @ Dallas Cowboys + OVER 50.5

Grouped these 3 games together because, to me, they're all pretty much the same. Talented, yet sketchy teams, fighting for their playoff lives, even though just a few weeks ago, half of them were deemed "finished". Yet another reason as to why you've gotta love the NFL...

As for the games themselves; I like Detroit just because I think that place will be rockin' and the talent on both sides is more or less equal; I like the Jets mostly because I can't imagine Tom Coughlin NOT being pissed on one of the happiest days of the year; and I like the Eagles (as long as they still have something to play for at that point) because the Cowboys are choke artists from top to bottom, and what better stage than Christmas Eve to show the entire football watching world their true colors...

Oh, and I have no idea where there isn't a much hotter girl promoting that Giants/Jets game. I guess when it's just two teams that are struggling to make the playoffs, and whose coaches are both on the hot seat, the best you can get is the girl that gives handy's behind the Duane Reade for Meth money. Ho Ho Ho, indeed. Easy on the eye makeup there, hun. There are already enough chicks out there tryin' to look like that guy, Snooki. We certainly don't need any more...


Here's a look at the rest of the slate. Seahawks should prove to be a good play at home, and I wouldn't sleep on the Browns and that big #. The Ravens are shady, as they proved last week, and after having lost their top receiving option (Boldin) I wouldn't like their chances of blowing out anyone...

Jacksonville Jaguars (+7.5) @ Tennessee Titans

Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5) vs Oakland Raiders

Washington Redskins (-6.5) vs Minnesota Vikings

Cleveland Browns (+14) @ Baltimore Ravens

Seattle Seahawks (+2.5) vs San Francisco 49ers + UNDER 38

Green Bay Packers (-11.5) vs Chicago Bears



Monday Night
New Orleans Saints (-6.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

The Saints are a perfect 6-0-0 ATS in the Superdome, this year, and I don't expect that to change when they play the Falcons on Monday Night. It should prove to be an exciting end to the fantasy football season, with a lot of big names in action and a lot on the line, but if you're looking for this to be Atlanta's last stand, I'd temper those expectations. The Saints have as much to play for, at least in their minds, as the Falcons, and at the rate Drew Brees is passing the rock, I don't like Atlanta's chance of slowing him down...


Last Week: 12-7-0

Overall: 143-100-6 (.586)

Everyone out there have a safe and happy holiday season, and good luck...in trying to get a beautiful woman to pose in nothing but a thong and a Santa hat for you, that is. Unless you happen to be a girl, in which case you should be on your way out to buy a Santa hat...

Ho Ho Ho!


Teddy Williams...
100...
#$>

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