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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Time to Think...


Anybody here ever read A Time To Kill by John Grisham?

I know we've all seen the movie; Samuel L. at his "angry black" best; both Sutherland's doin' their thing, one white power, one not; Oliver Platt and Kevin Spacey somehow managing to add comedy and credibility; and of course Matthew McConaughey, who at the time was still playin' slick gentlemen from the deep South, as opposed to stoners from the West coast, or underachieving slackers from God knows where...

Oh and let's not forget present day victim #1, Sandra Bullock, in what I like to call her "Cameron Diaz The Mask" phase. Ya know, like when she was at her hottest but at her least famous? She made Ashley Judd her bitch in that one. Almost stole her man, too. And here she is crying on TV about infidelity. No wonder the KKK tied to her to a post and almost killed her...In the movie, that is...

But that's the movie, and seeing as the part I want you to focus on is McConaughey's big closing argument in the murder trial of the century, I'd rather you remember the book if that's at all possible. See, I'd rather you not get caught up in how bad McConaughey was in the movie, and focus more on the importance of the message in the scene, and most importantly, how it applies to the message I'm trying to get across in this week's post...

For those that don't remember/don't know what I'm talking about, please allow for a very brief summary:


The speech in question is at the end, when McConaughey's character, defense attorney Jake Brigance, is trying to describe how his defendant, Carl Lee Hailey (Samuel L), felt at the time he gunned down the two men that had raped and nearly killed his daughter. A large group of people saw Haliey do it, and Jake was trying to get him off on temporary insanity. Brigance describes the scene of the little girl's rape, telling the all white jury to close their eyes and "imagine". "Imagine a girl lying in her own blood". "Imagine a girl screaming for her daddy, but nobody could hear her". Imagine this, imagine that. He describes the whole scene in extensive detail, drawing out every sentence and he himself, coming closer to tears with each passing breath. Then, at the very end, after a pause so pregnant it's water nearly broke, he drops the bombshell...

"Now imagine she's white..."

Bam! There it was. He cut through the black and white, got into every body's hearts, and got Samuel L. outta there with not so much as a slap on the wrist. Brilliant, just brilliant...

Now I'm not claiming this is some original tactic, or even a literary stroke of genius, but I do see it as a good "forrest through the trees" type litmus test. Proof that facts are facts, but that the way they are conveyed can totally alter how you view them. And for today's purposes, I'd like you to use that frame of thought to think about the latest allegations against America's favorite cyclist, Lance Armstrong. Oh, and allow me to right now say that you should be putting a lot of stress on the adjective, American...

Also, allow me to make a few things clear before I state my case...

I'm not doing this because I don't like Lance as a person. I don't know him, and to be honest, every time I've ever heard him speak he's seemed like a really polite guy...

I'm not doing this because of the latest allegations put on Lance by #1 creepazoid, Floyd Landis. That guy's weirded me out since day 1, and I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw the cars his Mennonite family isn't allowed to drive...

And I'm not doing this because I want to tare him down. Nobody appreciates more than I do how Lance was able to come back from cancer to lead a healthy life, but having beat a deadly disease does not necessarily an honest man make. There's no doubt he's tough, resilient, and should be commended for his fight against cancer and the work he does to raise money for research, but again, that doesn't mean he's then incapable of doing any wrong...


So here's my thing. IF I were, like Jake Brigance, to lay out all the facts in front of you, it would look a lot like this...

Imagine a 7 time Tour de France Champion, in the middle of what was known as the most steroid infested era in sports on record...

Imagine he won races in a dominating fashion never seen before, DEMOLISHING his opponents in the hill stages. Moving by them as if they were standing still, why he himself looked to be exerting little to no energy at all...

Imagine he had well known and well publicized relationships with pharmaceutical companies and trainers banned by his sport. A trainer so disgraced, that when a former Tour champ and fellow countryman heard Lance had been working with him, he said he felt "disgraced"...

Imagine multiple lawsuits filed on behalf of former employees, alleging drug use, that were settled out of court...

Imagine a book having been published, alleging the illegal use of performance enhancers, and a major National newspaper seeing it fit to publish excerpts from that book...

Imagine every couple months or so, a new story seems to appear alleging drug use, whether it be from doctors, reporters, or former teammates...

Now, and this is where Jake would really be tearing up, and where Kevin Spacey would know he had just lost the case. Now imagine he's French...

Change your opinion at all? I bet it did, but whether or not you want to admit it is another story. And that's OK. Listen, I get that the myth of Lance may me more important than the reality, much like Batman in the Dark Knight, but it's also important to temper expectations and keep in touch with reality. I can't help but see all those LIVESTRONG bracelets, see Lance's past, see what happened to Tiger Woods, and think this is all just going to lead to a whole other group of fans being devastated because they thought they knew a guy that they really didn't...

And I know my words, this column, won't change that. Won't change how people view this guy, or think. But it's just a thought process I've had in regards to Lance for a really long time (since I made and wore my LANCE ARMSTRONG DOES STEROIDS rubber bands in '02), and seeing as he's in the news again, I felt this as appropriate time as any to lay my opinion on the table. As usual, it's here for you to take or leave...

I know I didn't exactly come hard with facts and details, but that wasn't really the point. And not because the "facts" would get in the way of my argument, either. The point was, just like in Briggance's closing argument, is that often times, you can see things differently my merely rearranging the facts. And in this case, when you rearrange those facts to not include the fact that Lance is American, I'm pretty confident in saying there would be no doubt in any of your minds that he was a blatant cheater...

But hey, that's just me. And while I don't believe that Lance "deserves to die, and I hope he burns in Hell!", I do think that the powers that be, and all the fans, should start looking at his career with a much more critical eye. If not for the purity of sport (chuckle), then simply to protect themselves from what seems to me, almost an inevitable bombshell at some point down the road...

After all, I like to call myself a gatekeeper. One who protects the sports he loves and the fans that dwell inside his gates. And I'll tell you right now, if I see a guy on a bike in a yellow unitard knockin' on the gate, he ain't gettin' in...


Ahhh. So not that I have that free and clear of my system, let me hit you with some other ish before I head on down the road...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 25-21, 7 1/2 games back in AL East

This Week: @ TB (5/25-5/26) vs KC (5/27-5/30)

Obviously going 6-1 in their last 7 against the Yankees, Twins, Phillies and Rays is encouraging, but allow me to stop just short of saying the Red Sox are right where they need to be. The starting pitching is coming around, as witnessed over the weekend, and that's great, but even with Ellsbury back this offense still concerns me...

They've been scoring runs, and that's awesome, but the way they do it still isn't exactly confidence inspiring. Sounds a little odd, seeing as they're 2nd in the Majors in HRs, 5th in runs scored, and just beat Roy Halladay on the road, but I still won't be confident in this team until they work out their roster quirks and get another big bat in there. Until that happens, I just don't see the Sox being able to win down the stretch, let alone win a series come October...

For now, I'll still opt to play the waiting game, as in waiting for Theo Epstein to make a move. It won't stop me from enjoying and rooting for the product on the field, but it will always be right there in the forefront of my ever so quizzical mind...


The Celtics almost inspired me to do a "it's funny how winning changes things" column on Glenn Rivers MD and Danny "the Mormon Towel Bandit" Ainge, but my love for John Grisham books and hatred for cyclists won out. Instead, I'll just tell you that while I don't think the Celts are on the verge of a Bruin-esque come-from-ahead tank job, I do predict that they will lose the NBA Finals in 6 games to the Los Angeles Lakers. I won't be rooting for the Lakers (I may be a cynic, but even I have my limits), but I just think they have what it takes to beat the Green this time around. Celtics fans will be the first to tell you the reason they're beating Orlando this time is because last time they didn't have Kevin Garnett, and the Lakers have a similarly strong argument when it comes to Andrew Bynum. And judging by how they're playing, it would be tough to argue...


Again, just sayin'. Besides, all that prediction really guarantees, is that the Suns will come back to beat LA, sweep the Celts in the Finals, and Sheed will then retire, move to the Mexico/US border and become an immigrant Bounty Hunter and stars in his own A&E documentary. I call it "No Country For Old Mexicans". But that's just a working title. "Wallace: Texas Ranger" and "Sheed, Army of 1" are also still on the table...

And finally, as if Lance's tale weren't enough to discrouage you from attempting to alter your genetic makeup with illegal drugs, there's this image to keep you up at nite...


Dear God, somebody put a jockstrap on that thing...Oh wait, they already did...


Have a good week, everybody. As usual, I hope you enjoyed what I brought to the table, and I hope to see you back next week for another sensational installment...

Until then, I hope it's sunny and warm where you are, and I wish you all the best in the week to come...

Peace in the Middle...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May The FAIL Be With You...



Lemme tell ya, for a guy that's not into the NBA or the NHL, and whose baseball team is currently struggling to stay at .500, the month of May can be one trying time. Especially when you can't seem to catch a break on the pone-boxes...

So while I take yet another week away (or at least a few days) from the sports spotlight to search for some true, semi-journalistic inspiration, I'm gonna leave you with a few images that I think might give you yet another glimpse as to where my head is at these days. You know the FAIL blog that always seems to make it's way into your email inbox on a bi weekly basis? Well you can call this EPIC FAIL Rooch Nation Boston Edition. Not sure if I'm breaking any Intraweb copyright rules there, but at this point I don't really care. Matter of fact, the Fail Blog trying to rip me would probably do wonders for my career. Kinda like when Jeff Gellman, the "pack leader" whose dog training show I produce every Saturday 9-11, had me send a show clip of his into The Howard Stern Show, simply so he could be made fun of. Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? You're damn straight it is. And I hope the Boston area teams keep that very principle in mind while I use a few photographs and video clips to "low light" their less than stellar play over the last month. Or in the case of the Celtics, when I rip them for having a Ted of a GM that I've loathed since he rocked the Purple and Orange...

Set your brain to FAIL, kids, and enjoy...


Any Boston FAIL blog has to start with the Boston freaking Bruins, right? I mean blowing a 3-0 lead is like hitting 3,000 hits in terms of auto-FAIL status, isn't it? Hell, it might even be hitting your 3,000th hit and then dying in a plane crash type auto-FAIL status, it's that automatic...

And listen, while I know a lot of you think I hate the Bruins, and must be dancing around their grave, I gotta tell you it's honestly not the case. I mean, why would I waste my time with that, when their 3-0 come from ahead collapse has left me with an even more powerful weapon to use against the masses that got caught up in Bruins fever. Now, every time something incredibly trendy, incredibly cheesy, and incredibly crappy takes hold of the minds of the American populous, I reserve the right to ask you if you're into it. Example:

Me: "Hey Ted, what'd you think of the latest episode of So You Think You Can Dance?"

Ted: "Why the Hell would I be watching So You Think You Can Dance?"

Me: "You watched the Bruins, right? I just figured you were into watchin' crap on TV. OH, BAM! Bruins SUCK!"

Hahaha OK, so maybe I don't like the Bruins, but B's fans I wouldn't take it personally. I just don't like the NHL, and to be honest there's no team I would have wanted to see do that to the Bruins less than the Philadelphia Flyers. Because while I don't like the NHL, I actually hate the city of Philadelphia. Personally, I'd like to see all those mouth breathing, gristled shoe leather and Cheez Whizz guzzling, classless d-bags shown a cattle brand in the most unpleasant of orifices, but still won't change the fact that their hockey squad just made Boston their bitch. Big time FAIL, fellas, and best of luck trying to make this town care again next year...

Championship drought, 38 years and counting. Oh, but nice Bobby Orr statue. That's some good work right there. And from what I can tell, putting up statues tends to do wonders for the intellect of your fan base, as well. So we got that goin' for us, which is always nice...

And where's the freakin' Bill Russell statue, already? Huh, Celtics?...



I missed on this last week when I was busy getting all political, so while I know it's long since been run through the cycle like a soiled pair of ARod's bikini briefs, I still have to throw in my two cents. And while I stop before saying "I told you so", in regards to Danny Ainge, this incident should at the very least open your eyes to the type of guy we're dealing with, here. He's just a punk. I mean, who else does something like this? Throws a towel up to distract an opposing player at the free throw line? A fan doing that would be bad enough, and even the the lawless atmosphere of the NBA stands it would raise some eyebrows. Logo "hankies" or Thunderstix, maybe, but not even fatty boom batty whose 7 $10 beers deep is grabbing the closest object and launching it into the air!...

And I don't wanna hear how it was a "lapse in judgement", either. Is the same "lapse in judgement" guys like ARod and McGwire had? Please. This is a reflection of character, and if you didn't already know, Danny Ainge has barely enough character to play a bit part in a community theater production of Simple Jack...

And hey, I get it, people like what Ainge has done with the Celtics. Most of all, people like that they're winning. So when it comes to hating on Danny and the job he's done, I know I'm not only in the minority, but that it's not really an argument worth having because of the strength of his results. So it's one I choose not to have. What I will say, though, is that when the Celts were Shoeless Joe-ing their way into the lottery, nobody would have been the least bit surprised had Danny pulled a stunt like this. That was a time when I was President of the Danny Ainge is a Huge Ted Club, and I had dozens of club members that echoed my message. Now? My followers are gone, most of their positions at the very least, "revised". But I'm still here, keeping the message alive. And it doesn't hurt when you get some video proof to help your cause...

Danny Ainge? FAIL...


Banner 18 is in Sheed's bald spot, by the way. O marks the spot, pimps. It ain't Sheed-friends, it's Sheed-Bidness. Getcha Getcha Getcha Sheed On...


The next red F that I'm choosing to dish out with my Intraweb version of the fine point Sharpie, goes to none other than the 19-20 Boston Red Sox. OK, maybe I'm not giving the Sox a FAIL quite yet, but it has more to do with the fanboy inside me than it does to do with anything I've seen on the field. I still feel confident that the pitching staff will steady the ship and get this team on a more stable course, but it's the inconsistency of the offense that I believe will plague this team all season long...

To be honest, they're play has been more or less what I predicted it would be before the start of the season. Now I know you're saying "but didn't you pick them to win the World Series?" Well I did, and while I won't sit here and tell you their 19-20 start was part of my grand plan, it's what's coming, or not coming, next from Theo Epstein that will determine whether or not I was actually in the ballpark. IF I can see that this offense is destined to be inconsistent, with or without a healthy Ellsbury, then Theo has to see it, too. The ball is in his court, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. People wanna know if this really is a bridge year? Well I say we find out sooner rather than later simply by watching the actions of the GM...

And here's to hoping that won't be yet another FAIL to add to this list...

Theo Epstein: Rooting on the Celtics in hopes they buy him another week or two out of the Bostonian crosshairs. Good luck with that, Mr. Theo. Or as I have now dubbed you, Mr. Huxtable. And that's dangerously close to "Ruxbin". So combined that with the fact your name is Theo, and I'd keep an eye on my performance if I were you, or the Ted-isms are gonna start flyin' out of here like a Dice K gyro ball...

Now finally, just to round things out and hit on all 4 "major" teams (Ha! Bruins!), we have this...


You know a guy didn't have an impact when the only relevant photo I could find in a Google Images search for his name and the word "Patriots", is the one I posted above. Derrick Burgess? Really? Again?...

The signing is so minor that it's not really worth the valuable web space I'm taking up to question it, but in an age where a lot of us are getting sick of simply "trusting Belichick", I just had to go ahead and give this signing a nice big FAIL...

"Yup". That's the response I expect to give in about 3 1/2 months when I get multiple texts asking "Whoa, Derrick Burgess is still on the team?!" That is, assuming he makes it through camp...


So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed the FAIL edition of the Nation, boys and girls, and I wish you all a great week, free of any failures of your own. But remember, failing is bound to happen when you try new things. And you should always be trying new things. It's just also important to be able to laugh at your failures, and in turn learn from them. After all, learning and laughing are what life is all about, and if we can't laugh at ourselves, and learn from our mistakes, then it really makes life rather unbearable...

Live. Learn. Laugh. Love. Just don't love in public. I'm not down with excessive PDA's and I have access to my dad's gun closet...

Have a great week, friends!

Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

...Which In Spanish Means, THE SUNS!


Los Suns...

It just sounds funny, doesn't it? In fact, I can't even read it without getting vivid and humorous flashbacks of the late Chris Farley and "The Nino!" from his days on SNL. But there's nothing funny about whats goin' on in Arizona right now, and seeing as the story has been dragged into the sporting world, I figure it's time I threw in my two cents. Besides, the Sox are sputtering, and the Bruins and Celtics just don't interest me, so I figure if there's any time to turn my back to the action on the field and get political, this would be it...

So let's make like Louganis and dive on in...just don't hit your head and DON'T get AIDS...And definitely don't sign off on having Mario Lopez portray you in a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Hey there, banana hammock...

Now everyone that knows me, knows I'm about as politically indifferent as they come. Not to say that I don't care how my country and state are governed, because I do, but it's just that getting entangled in the everyday political back and forths is something I'd just rather not do. In my Facebook profile, you can find my political views labeled as "Conservatively Liberal", and while that may be more of an attempt at political satire than anything else, it's also just a comment on how I more often than not find myself right in the middle. Again, not that I'm apathetic and choose to stay in the middle and out of the fight, it's just that I'm more of a cafeteria type citizen, often picking and choosing which policies I like and which ones I don't. It's not an uncommon philosophy, I know, but before I launched into what I'm about to say, I just wanted you all to have a good handle on where I was coming from...


So, back to Los Suns. Those were the words on the jerseys wore by the Phoenix Suns, in order to show support for the Mexican-Americans many believe are being persecuted by racial profiling along the Arizona/Mexico border. Something, I might add, I don't particularly have an issue with. They wanna wear those jerseys to support the perceived plight of the of Mexican-Americans that live within their borders, I have no problem with that. It's the all to common references to "Nazi Germany" and "racial profiling" that have got scratching my head...

Racial profiling? Of course it is, but I don't have a problem with it at all. I mean, I know we're talking about people so this is going to sound a little coarse. But to make a cake, you have to break a few eggs, don't ya? And in this case that means you might have to step on a few toes and offend some sensibilities. Now I understand that those that are here legally might feel that their rights are being violated, because I would feel exactly the same way. The difference between me and those folks, I guess, would be that I would also see the bigger picture, and realize that the ends were going to more than justify the means...

Like the time I was pulled over at 3 AM in Central Falls a few years back. I had been "out on the town" with a few friends of mine, and as my incredible tolerance often dictates, I was the one driving a few of my friends home. Now when I went to drop of my last passenger, my good buddy Ray Charbatji, he realized he had left his keys on the floor of my car. Now just to set the scene, I was pulled to the side of a DESERTED side street, not in a driveway, but that was just because the nature of the place I was dropping him off. Also, for any of you that know Central Falls, you know I could provide many other reasons as to why I would want to keep my car running, anyway. But to continue, I picked his keys up off the floor and handed them to him through the rolled down passenger window. The entire exchange, from Ray forgetting, to me handing them to him, takes literally about 5 seconds. He thanks me, but as he starts to back away he also gives me a heads up...

"Look out for that cop behind you", he says.

Awesome. Just awesome. I thank Ray, pull away, and within 500 feet the cop lights me up and pulls me over...

Again. Awesome. just awesome. I knew I was well under the legal limit for alcohol, but even so, you get a little jumpy, and I did. So the cop strides up, I give him all my info, and he asks me all the standard questions. Where was I going? Where was I coming from? And I'll always 100% honest. I have no trouble telling a police officer that I've been at a bar, because I know I've done nothing wrong, and I always hope they will respect the honesty. And ya know what, in my experiences, they usually do.

Then, he asks me to open my glove conpartment again. I do. He asks me to remove the two black cases inside and hand them to him. I do. They're my GPS, in it's black leather case, and my perscription Aviators (pimp), also in their black leather case. He takes them back to his car for about 10 minutes, then returns. Hands them back to me. Then, as he's leaving, he mentions how I'm lucky he's not giving me a ticket for blocking the street, and for me to have a safe trip home...

Whoa, what?!? Blocking the street? That doesn't even make any sense!

So as I'm drivin' home I get to thinkin'. The fact that I may have been drinking and driving never even crossed this guy's mind! He thought I was slinging rocks! OR at least smokin' 'em! He'd been watchin' too much Training Day, I guess, and thought he saw what he deemed a "hand off" between me and Ray, and thought he was about to bust a drug dealer. Turns out I was just Joe Nobody, headed home to get a good night's sleep, but he thought there was a good possibility that I was dealing drugs...

The more I thought about it, the more it didn't really bother me that the guy had pulled me over, even though at the end he was kind of a prick. Why? Because I considered the circumstances. I mean it was freakin' 3 AM in a less than reputable part of town. Was it really that far fetched for him to think his assumption was correct? No, it wasn't. Granted it's a sad state of affairs that he has to be on the lookout for such behavior, but that's just the way of life. So this time he was wrong, so what? I'd rather be inconvenienced for 20 minutes and have the peice of mind that these guys are actually out there trying to enforce the law. He was, in the grand scheme of things, protecting me by pulling me over. Right? Trying to clean up the streets and make Central Falls and safe place to live. And I'm sorry, but if you can't see that, than maybe you need to start looking at things a little differently...

Now granted my example isn't identical to what's going on in Arizona, but I believe my message still rings true. I know it's gotta suck being pulled over just because of your skin color or your ethnicity, but in regards to what's happening down there, sometimes that's just the price you have to pay for freedom. These cops and Federal agents are trying to protect America and it's border, so that those of us actually here legally, can feel safe and enjoy our freedoms. And to me, it's the legal immigrants more than anyone that should be almost happy when they get flagged down by the authorities. They should be the one's the most upset at all the illegal immigrants puring in. They did things by the book, and went through the proper channels, and these people just get to waltz in and mooch off the system? Granted they don't really wanna get pulled over, I was just saying that for effect, but like any other legal citizen they sure as Hell wanna make sure their rights are being protected...

Great example I've heard many times from an Arab American around 2002 when being asked about increased airport security. Granted this is vague, but again I think the message rings true. While pulled aside with a white passenger for additional screening, the Arab American was asked by the white passenger if it bothered him that he was selected for additonal screening. His response was something along the lines of...

"Hey, it guys wearing top hats and monacles flew planes into a bunch of buildings, I'd want every guy with a top hat and a monacle to be pulled aside for additional screening every time they went to board a plane."

I couldn't agree more. In situations like this, I don't care if the authorities are wrong 99% of the time. I'd rather they be wrong, and have me inconvenienced, than have poltiical correctness on their mind when they let the next terrorist onto a plane, or the next drug dealer cruise through the checkpoint...

It's not a perfect system, I get that, but no system is going to be perfect. At least this one has it's heart and mind in the right place. And hey, maybe I'm missing part of the story here, but I don't think so. These athletes and entertainers that are coming out in opposition to this practice of flagging down suspected illegals, and hassling people without proper ID? I think they're the ones that don't get. They perceive racism, and they run with it. I don't. I see justifiable profiling, and while I understand it's going to be tough for some people to live with, I honestly think it's the best way to go...


OH, and as for all the Nazi Germany comparions I keep hearing? Come on, people. I know I'm only one of the 3% of the country that reads anymore, but you might wanna do a little research before you go spouting off on that one. Did the Nazi's make the Jews carry around identification cards much like people in Arizona have to do now? OF course they did. But one common practice does not a legit comparison make. I'm sure the Nazis ate breakfast on a daily basis, too. So does that mean that since I ate breakfast this morning, that I'm about to go out and committ mass genocide? Of course not. Extreme example? Sure. But when the people on the other side of your argument are going as far as to compare a siutation to one of the worst acts of inhumanity the world has ever seen, I believe anything other than an extreme example in return just wouldn't be appropriate. Last time I checked, they weren't loading Mexicans into gas chambers. Oh and if they are, and I'm yet again grossly misinformed, then by all means let me know. Until then, be creative and come up with a more appropriate example rather than spouting off the most extreme one that comes to mind...

Like I said, it's not perfect, but neither is life. It's a tough situation. And in my experience, tough situations are usually overcome by hard work and dilligence, not apathy. Compromise, people. The kye word here is compromise. If you want to live in a place that protects you, then sometimes you're going to have to live with the way they get things done. Whether they jive with your personal beliefs or not, or if they happen to inconvenience you. Sometimes, you just have to break a few eggs...

I'll be back next week with some non political stuff for sure, but thanks for taking the time to give this a read...

Hope everyone has a great week, and I'll catch on the flipman...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Potent Quotables: Say Whaaaaaaat?!?


Greetings and salutations, my good friends, and welcome to a special edition of Rooch Nation that I've chosen to title, Potent Quotables. I didn't plan on doing things this way, but as quote after memorable quote hit me over the last few days, I decided I'd be best served to use that inspiration rather than ignore it. Because after all, if you don't use it, you will lose it...

And besides. It's a funny hat...

Now let's GO!



Mike Adams* was filling in in on WEEI's Dennis & Callahan Show this Monday when he let this gem rip...

"Playing a lot of card games is a lot like having sex. IF you don't have a good partner, then you better have a good hand!"

Ahhh, Mikey's always good for a chuckle or two. And the guy collects one liners and crappy joke like Larry King collects wives and suspenders, so who better to kick things off with, right?

*Mike Adams of WEEI is not to be confused with the Mike Adams who went to Syracuse University with me. That Mike Adams, as you might remember, has become famous in Rooch Nation for the following:

1) He entered two teams in my 2009 fantasy baseball league, claiming one was him, and one was his twin brother. A fairly identical twin brother, who, by the way, was given the moniker "Old Homer". You can figure that origin out for yourself...

2) He stopped responding to messages requesting league payment, and became unreachable for more than two months. Oddly enough, this was the same time both of his teams were being eliminated from contention...

3) I contact Mike's self described "best friend", asking him for help, and he tells me he doubts Mike will ever pay me, but that he will try asking him anyway. That's his best friend, telling me straight up that Mike has a rather extensive history of stuff like this, and that I shouldn't be holding my breathe. I thank him for his help, and go about my business...

4) Mike finally gets the Internet back ("hahaha"), after losing it for nearly 3 months, only to ambush me on AIM, call me every malicious name in the book (actually he kept telling me I "wasn't a man"...on AIM), and tell me that while he had fully intended on paying, he wasn't going to now because of my shady tactics...and because I'm not a man!

Hahaha ohh man. Mike Gundy would have been proud...

Now I know Mike doesn't believe me, but I was laughing the entire time I was talking to him online. Half at the absurdity of his claims, and half imagining how worked up he was getting on the other end of the line. And to paraphrase a line from Bronx Tale, "If it cost me $20 to get rid of that kid, then it was well worth it." I mean, what a joke. But hey, I should just count myself lucky I'm not delusional like that, huh? Must be a tough life...

And why did I bring this up again, you ask, nearly a year after it happened? Well the name Mike Adams, mostly, but I figure I'm doing funny quotes this week, and I haven't heard anything as funny as that in quite some time. That, and I know Mike Adams probably reads this on a semi regular basis, and if I even have a 1% chance of pissing him off and sending him on a tailspin, then I'm gonna go ahead and take it...

Then again, he is the "would drive from New York to Attleboro to kill me in my sleep" kind of crazy, so I might wanna watch what I say. Eh, nahhhh, what was I thinkin.? He doesn't even have the Internet, so how's he gonna get directions?!? HA!

Next!


Here we have D&C host, Gerry Callahan, talking about the potential Vicodin scandal involving Sean Payton and the New Orleans Saints:

"He won the Super Bowl! As long as he doesn't get caught with a live boy, or a dead girl, they can't touch him!"

Can't believe I'd never heard that one before, but you best believe I'm gonna be using it on a regular basis from here on out. Bravo, Gerry. Bravo...


Here, we have Red Sox color man, Jerry Remy, attempting to do a plug for Masters Series Tennis, but finding himself giving a pseudo plug to my favorite fictional band...

"Coming up later this week on NESN, we have Masters Series Tennis with John McEnroe VS Mark Philippoussis. I don't think I've ever heard of Mark Phili...Phili-Pubis before, Don, have you?"

Ahhh, Rem Dog. Here I thought it was impossible for me to like you any more, and then you drop a Mark Phili-Pubis bomb on me. Oh, and if you're looking for the home of my favorite fictitious band, Hubert Pubis & The Dudes, then you need not look any further....that was the signal for you to click on that hyperlink...

And for those who don't remember Mark Philippoussis, he was a big hitting Aussie who was probably more famous for looking like a Vampire in Virtua Tennis, and apparently for playing in jeans, than he was for anything he actually did on the court. MAn, he could serve though. Probably because of all that blood he was drinkin'...


Here, we have our first, and basically only, serious quote of the bunch. This one coming on Monday from Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein....

"Things haven't really changed. We talked about this last week. We're still playing bad baseball. Unintelligent, undisciplined, uninspired baseball. It's got to change.It either changes itself or we have to do something to change it."

Half of this is sort of "duhhh", but half of this is rather refreshing. Especially in light of what I've been writing about Theo over the past few weeks. And hey, result aside, the Sox actually did seem to be playing with some fire and inspiration on Monday night. Coincidence? Sure, I guess that's possible, but I'm more apt to believe Mr. Epstein just delivered this group with the needed motivation to at least get themselves out of their current rut. Most importantly, with his statement Theo has made it blatantly clear that he "gets it". I talked about "seeing the forest through the trees", and although it may be too late to erase what he did in the off season, at least he's showing he's not too stubborn or too egotistical to admit when something is wrong, or when changes need to be made...

Now, we just sit back and see if A) His motivational comments really worked and B) If his bark is ultimately worse than his bite. Either way, it's good to see some emotion coming from that man in the wake of his team's awful start. Shows he's human, which results be damned, is usually a good thing...


Here are a few exerpts that were brought to my attention over the weekend from an interview done by Tiger Woods in 2006...

"Mom beat the hell out of my ass. I've still got the handprints."

"What's this?" he'd ask, rubbing the tips of his shoes together. "A black guy taking off his condom."

What? The parents of pro athletes are sometimes abusive? Tiger Woods likes making sex jokes? Nah. I refuse to believe it. This story must have been falsified by TMZ, or somethin'...

NEXT!



Here's Boston Celtics head coach, Glen Rivers, ripping into my mainzest mens 'n them, Rasheed Wallace...

"[Wallace] has to play better, bottom line. He has to play better defense -- the offense will come -- but he has to be a better defender. And we can't wait for him. He has to be a better defender for us."

Awesome. Just awsome...

Much like when JD Drew came to the Red Sox, and I wished for the team to succeed in spite of him (which they did), I wished quite the opposite for the Celtics when Rasheed Wallace came to town. I don't like the Celtics, I don't like their hoards of Pink Hat fans, and I don't like the NBA. I like Sheed and I wanted him to tear this team down from the inside and expose Doc as a fraud. He hasn't been completely successful...yet...but I'm not exactly about to complain about the results...

OH, and just for the Pink Hat record, I'm no longer taking 15-1 on $20 that the Celtics will win the NBA Title now that they're 1-1 with the Cavs. You had your chance, and you Teds blew it...

And real quick, before I move on. NEVER, at any point in my life, EVER, did I say I disliked the NHL Playoffs. I'm not watching them, mind you, but my primary beefs have always been with over expansion, ice size, goal size and season length. Not with the Playoffs. It's as exciting and intense a post season that professional sports has to offer, and I watched them for years. It's just now, I don't really have the desire. I was, however, the only guy I knew telling everyone about a month and a half ago that I was virtually certain the Bruins were going to make at least the Eastern Conference Finals. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

And as long as we're on that, as much as I appreciate everyone that reads Rooch Nation and tells me as much, nothings worse than someone telling me they read my post, only to have them ask me a question that I answered in multiple paragraphs in the very post they claimed to have read and enjoyed. Believe me, I'm not gonna quiz you on what I wrote, so don't worry, but when you do that it's almost to me like you're lying to my face. Again, I know this may be a fine line, and I in no way want to discourage people from reading and openly discussing the topics of which I write about, but I'd honestly you rather tell me you hated it, and have shit to back up your stance, than to pull some bull ish like that...

I'm trying to reach people here, people! Website traffic is good, but sparking an intelligent yet hysterical conversation is more what I'm lookin' for...


Next, we have Brian Griffin errrrrr I mean Seth MacFarlane, commenting on the current illegal immigration issues going on in Arizona...

"It's too much. It's kind of a slap in the face, it's not the way to handle it...Nobody but the Nazis ever asked anybody for their papers. Walking down the street, a cop can come up to you and say 'May I see your papers?' -- I think they should be required to ask that question in German if the law sticks around."

Right, Seth. When in liberal doubt, always feel free to throw a Nazi blast out there and everything should be OK. Come on, buddy. I'm all for using your significant influence to get your viewpoints out there, but you should be more focused with that fact that this Sunday's Family Guy was FAR AND AWAY the worst episode the series has ever produced.

No cutaways? No flashbacks? Brian eating Stewie's shit and contemplating suicide? Talk about straying from the winning formula. Family Guy without flashbacks and cutaways is like Serena Williams without a certain hot dog shaped reproductive organ. It just doesn't work. What's clear to me, is that MacFarlane is getting bored with Family Guy, meaning either the series is coming to an end much sooner than later, or that MacFarlane has decided to take the show in a new sort of artsy direction. Something that those of us that have been watching from the beginning can tell you he's been essentially itching to do since day 1. You know all those musical numbers that they parody that you've never heard of before? Yeah, get ready for lots more of those, and a lot fewer "Gigggity's"...

Hey, I hope I'm wrong, and this was just a rare dud in a series full of gems, but I've long been on the record that I think Seth has grown tired of Family Guy's "limitations", so at this point nothing would surprise me...

Rollo from The Cleveland Show, though. Now there's a little brotha with a message that I can get behind! And he's not even gay!....at least not yet...

Ohhhhhhh-Bama! (and that's a line of his from the show, so you can stop right there)

OK, time for one more potent quote.../two potent quotes...


Sean P. Before the Derby...

"I honestly don't see how we don't make at least some money in this race, man. And when we do win, we should take that money and put in on either the Red Sox or the Yankees once the MLB playoffs start. You know only one of them is makin' it, and you know whichever one makes it is gonna fuckin' win. That's like stealin' right there."

And after the Derby...

"FUCK HORSES!"

So, how do you think we did in the Derby? Hahaha. Oh Sean P. The man, the myth, the Don Dadda of the DJ Booth. I'd be lying, too, if I said 10% of the reason I bet on the Triple Crown isn't because I look foward to such proclamations, and ultimately, such reactions. Because I do, and I'm sure Sean's the same way with me. Yet another thing that's well worth the $20...

That was quite the betting strategy he came up with though, right? I'm sure he'd like to give some of the credit to "Mr. Sangria in Central Park", but I'm givin' full credit to Mr. Sean P., and callin' it day...

Hope you enjoyed this week's Potent Quotables, boys and gals, and for those in the NorthEast, I hope this little detour was enough to distract you from the fact that you're stuck inside at work, while it's an absolutely gorgeous day outside. Which is where I'm gonna head right now, actually. So if you see me outside, feel free to flag me down and say hello! And if you see me in the streets? Well, then holla at a playa...

Have a good one...

Teddy Williams...
100...

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