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Friday, October 22, 2010

NFL Week 7 Picks: Life's a Butch...

Greetings, friends.  With  no breaking news regarding the underground meth racket this week, I've decided to forgo a theme and just get right down to business.  That, and I spent too much time racking my brain over the potential sexuality of one of the people in my photos, so I wasn't able to properly develop one.  But nevertheless.  I still got the goods, and you're still gonna wanna take a gander at what I've got to say.  If for nothing else than to help me determine if I'm buying shirts online from a transvestite.  That Internet, man.  It's somethin' else...

Now have at it, kids...



Week 7 Picks
New England Patriots (+3) @ San Diego Chargers

Taking the Patriots this week flies in the face of pretty much every trend I've suggested you follow this season.   They're traveling west.  They're playing a desperate team.  They're coming off a really physical and emotional game.  Pretty much every reason you would need to take the Chargers, you got it.  That is, if you were following trends...

I'm choosing to buck the trends this week, though, and not just because I'm root-root-rooting for the home team.  OK, maybe it is.  Hey, the Pats are in a tough spot this week, I'm not gonna lie, but they were in a tough spot last week, too, and they showed enough grit to pull one out.  Last week, they were supposed to be vulnerable to Ray Rice, but they were able to keep him in check.  This week, the task will be reigning in Phillip Rivers, one of the league's most prolific passers.  The New England secondary should have it's hands full, even with the diminished SD receiving corps, but I figure Meriweather will be able to concuss enough guys to help level the playing field.  And in failing that, I'll take my chances with Tom Terrific in a West Coast shootout...

In reality, I like an early Patriot score to really zap the Charger momentum, and put them in comeback mode way earlier than they'd ideally like.  That'll make their already inconsistent offense even more prone to inefficiency, and I'm banking that the Patriots will be able to take advantage.  It won't be the 41-14 that we saw when the Pats went to Miami, but I'm looking at something in that ballpark.  Let's call it 31-17...

Then it'll be on to a Halloween showdown with the one and only, Mr. Randy Moss.  Straight Tick or Treat, Homie.  But that's for another time...



Denver Broncos (-8) vs Oakland Raiders

It's time for the Mike Shannahan Bowl, kids!  I know the tiny, angry man with the well bronzed face is no longer the head man at either of these two franchises, but I'm still choosing to call it that due in large part to some of the hilarious history between these two division rivals.  Most of which involves Al Davis.  Who at last check is still alive, in case you were wondering...

Truth be told, in a year where teams haven't really been covering big spreads, taking the 2-4 Broncos to win by more than a touchdown definitely appears to be a risky proposition.  What I'm banking on, is that after a confidence builder against the Jets in which they got hosed at the end by a flag, they'll be able to turn that positive momentum into a big divisional win.  They can't run the ball, but Oakland can't stop the run, which means this week, they can run the ball.  They will, and that will open up some lanes for Kyle Orton.  He's been one of the most efficient passers in the league this year, and I expect that to be the main contributing factor as to why the Broncos win this one by 2 scores or more...


Washington Redskins  @ Chicago Bears OVER 40.5

I've never liked the Tedskins, and I don't like McNabb, but this Washington team is a lot better than their 3-3 record suggests.  At least, I think they are.  They've been in all of their last 3 against the likes of Philly, Green Bay and Indy, but their defensive stats suggest those high powered offenses should have blown them out.  Instead, Washington went 2-1 over that stretch.  It might not be pretty, but they seem to be playing a tough brand of football that's keeping them in games long enough to give them a shot to win.  I see a similar story playing out this week in Chicago, but since the point spread (WAS +3) doesn't really lend itself to that strategy, I'm instead going with the OVER on the shadily low game total of 40.5 points.  The Bears should be able to run the ball, and will want to after getting shut down last week, and like I said I like Washington's ability to hang around.  27-24, 28-21.  Somethin' like that.  But I'd rather take my chances with the OVER than pick a side in what I'm pretty sure is going to be a tight game...


Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) vs Arizona Cardinals

If it weren't for all the concussion talk this week, the continued comeback of Seattle's Mike Williams would have definitely been the topic de jour.  Even Positive Petey Carroll had written his once prized USC recruit off, but thanks in large part to the departure of Deion Branch, Williams is finally showing he still has the total package that once made him a high 1st round pick.  The man who once decided to team up with Maurice Clarett to fight the courts is coming off a week in which he had a career best 10 catches for 123 yards, and all signs point to the fact that he's primed for more.  And while Williams' alone isn't the reason I'm picking the Seahawks to cover this week against Max Hall and Cardinals, it's a good story, and one that's worth pointing out.  Besides, if I'm gonna rip on these guys when they get all cheese-burgered out after cashing in, then I figure I gotta give them due when they finally put it all together.  So good work, Mike Williams.  And good looks on not panning on on Matt Millen's watch, too.  That fat bastard didn't deserve you're talent...




New Orleans Saints (-13) vs Cleveland Browns

As I mentioned in the Denver game, nobody has been really covering the big spreads this year.  But just like in the Denver game, I feel this match up provides an ideal opportunity for the favored team to win this one handily.  The Browns are coming off an epically physical game against the Steelers, and New Orleans seems to just be hitting their Super Bowl stride after a 25 point road win against the Bucs.  Cleveland may be able to put up some points on the suspect New Orleans D, but that's still not enough to prevent me from making the Saints my LOCK OF THE WEEK.  Pretty risky with such a big #, but the Saints are starting to roll.  So I like my chances...




Miami Dolphins (+3) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Between James Harrison and his threat to retire, and Channing Crowder's need to tell the media he's still Hell bent on using his helmet, this game has all you need if you're still looking to get that concussion talk fix.  And to reinforce what I wrote earlier in the week, it's the stuff guys like Crowder and Harrison insist on saying to the media that continues to further this concussion discussion.  There wouldn't be such an uproar if these guys weren't essentially going out of their way to say they try for those hits and defiantly refusing to be apologetic for their actions.  It's just ignorance and arrogance at work here, and I say keep bringing the fines til these Teds get the picture...

AS for the game, I just have a feeling the Steelers are due to lose.  Sketchy reasoning, I know, but it's what I'm going with.  I think Miami's due for a big home win, and when I saw they were being spotted 3 points, that sealed the deal.  And if James Harrison or Channing Crowder were to somehow get concussed in this thing, then that wouldn't be a bad deal either...


Minnesota Vikings (+3) @ Green Bay Packers + OVER 43.5

Brett Favre in prime time is always a good bet, but add in Randy Moss and a return to Lambeau Field and you've got yourself the recipe for an epic battle.  Unfortunately for Green Bay, I think they're just too dinged up to be considered a favorite in this one, even if they are playing at home.  Besides, home field advantage kind of loses it's edge when the opposing QB has played more games in the stadium than anyone on your current roster...

The Vikings still aren't great, but they've started to play better of late, and should be able to score their first road win of the season on their aging QB's old stomping grounds.  I'm also looking forward to the signs the Packer fans may have for Favre in the wake of his cell phone scandal.  I'd imagine "Say Cheese" has got to be in there somewhere, but I'm hoping some of the Green Bay faithful can come up with something a little more creative.  But not too creative.  There are some kinds of cheese that nobody wants to hear about.  No matter how anatomically relevant it may be...


And here are the other games for the week.  Notice how I shadily put the Bills +13 at the bottom? Ha!  You know I'll be reppin' it hard if I'm right, though.  Muahahahaha...

Cincinnati Bengals (+3.5) @ Atlanta Falcons

Philadelphia Eagles (+3) @ Tennessee Titans

Kansas City Chiefs (pick) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3) vs St. Louis Rams

Carolina Panthers (+3) vs San Fransisco 49ers

Buffalo Bills (+13) @ Baltimore Ravens




Monday Night
New York Giants (+3) @ Dallas Cowboys

Hello? Bill Cowher?  Yeah, I'd start looking for a house in and around Dallas, Texas, right about now, if I were you.  Oh, and make sure it has a big driveway, because they're gonna be backing a large dump truck full of loots into it...

Sorry, Jason Garrett.  But that's just the way it is...


Last Week: 8-6-1 (Top Picks: 4-3-1)

Overall: 37-41-3 (.475)

Top Picks: 20-24-2 (.457)

Lock of the Week: 4-4-0



First things first.  What the Hell is going on in the picture I have posted here?  IS that a chick?  I mean, I thought it was when I first saved this thing from Google Images, but now I'm just a little confused.  There are breasts, which definitely suggest it's a woman, and there is a visible lock of hair, which also suggests it's a woman.  But then you have the stomach and the...love handles?  Ummmm, what?  I mean, is this some sort of stumpy tranny modeling t-shirts, or what's the deal here?  And trust me, I'm not trying to make fun of some slightly over weight chick, here.  I'm really convinced something is up!  Here I am, just minding my own business, trying to get a freaking Google Image of something that adequately represents the Butch Davis Bowl this weekend (UNC @ Miami), and this is what I get?  Headless tran-jobs in tight fitting t-shirts?!?  I know the guy's name is "Butch", but come on!!  And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  Why else wouldn't they show the head?  Right?  Right??  Of course.  It's obviously because they're using transvestites to model their moderately hilarious t-shirts and they don't want their customers to see they sexually confused heads.  After all, if science has taught us nothing, it's that nothing discourages t-shirt sales more than the teaming of breasts with mascara and a handlebar mustache.  It's just not a good look.  And that's not me talkin' there, that's science.  And somethin' tells me God has a similar take on the topic, as well...

On the plus side, I went 9-5 last week.  I'd like to see a tranny who could beat that!


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(18) Missouri (+3.5) vs (3) Oklahoma

(4) TCU (-18.5) vs Air Force

(5) Auburn (-6) vs (6) LSU

(7) Alabama (-16.5) @ Tennessee

Northwestern (+8.5) vs (8) Michigan St.

(12) Iowa (-5.5) vs (11) Wisconsin

(13) Nebraska (-5-5) @ (17) Oklahoma St.

Washington (+5.5) @ (18) Arizona

(21) Arkansas (-9.5) vs Mississippi

(25) Miami (-6.5) vs North Carolina



Last Week: 9-5-0

Overall: 43-32-2 (.571)


And there you have it, friends.  Picks, trannys, this thing had it all.  I hope you enjoyed your bizarre journey through my football induced thoughts, and here's to hoping you all have a great weekend.  Just steer clear of the stumpy transvestites that won't show you their head, and you should be golden...


Teddy Williams...
100...

#$>

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