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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"Pass The Sloot" OR "Not Enough Shreks"...

What is up?!?!?! A tremendous Wednesday to you!...

The NBA Finals is headed to a game 7, college football's been turned on it's head, Tiger Woods prepares for the US Open, and fans of the World Cup are being accused of blowing on something that sounds like a piece of the female anatomy...

My name is Brett Ferruccio, and this is what I'm sweating today, June 16th, 2010...



And call me Chris one more time, see what happens...

First, let's start with the biggest sporting event in the World, and an answer to the question: Could millions of dirty Europeans and 3rd Worlders really be wrong? Why yes, yes they could...


"Soccer, huh? So you like sports...kinda?" - Hank Hill

Couldn't have said it any better myself, Hank. And seeing as you took care of the analytical aspect of the World Cup for me, I really only have one other aspect to hit on. Those freakin' horns that everyone keeps talkin' about! It's in all honesty the only reading I've done on the subject of this year's World Cup, and the only reason I looked into it was because I could swear my friends and co-workers were talking about people blowing on something called a "vulva" at the games. And so loud were these "vulvas", that there were times where that was all you could hear when watching the games on TV. Now, I'm no "sex horn expert", so this was something I definitely had to look into, but upon realizing it was just some annoying horn, and was not called a "vulva" and was not in fact some sort of celebratory tribute to the female genetalia, I officially called it a day for both me and my World Cup coverage...

But how funny is Cartoon Network's Adult Swim for airing that specific King of the Hill episode the same day the World Cup got underway? Any other network and I would say it were a coincidence, but those bastards are so clever I just gotta think they did it on purpose. Keep up the good work, you crazy mofos, and if you have any other anti-soccer themed episodes of shows, feel free to keep them hummin' down the line like a South African blowin' on a vulva...or whatever it is those things are actually called. I'm sure the Williams Brothers have their own line of them, so I'd ask them if you want some more info. That type of transgender celbratory tool seems right up their alley...at least I hope it's just their alley it's up...


Sticking with grassy sports for another second, the US Open gets underway tomorrow at Pebble Beach, and I've officially proclaimed this weekend as Tiger Woods' return to glory. Call it a hunch, but I say he takes this thing down, or at the very least, challenges right up til the end. It might sound like a sad commentary, but I get the feeling Tiger has gotten over whatever it was he "did" to Elin and his family and is ready to again make the PGA his #1 bitch. Matter of fact, screw "at least challenge" BS, I say by late Sunday afternoon, the story is not that Tiger's in the hunt, but how many strokes he is ahead. Bam! And wouldn't that just be so refreshing, too? Like a cold long neck on a hot Summer's day. Or in Tiger's case, like a hooker....on any day...Or in this case, a hooker a day for 4 days straight...

Get some, Tiger! Restore the order, and knock that Phat bastard off his perch!...

Now, if you will, let's "sweat" over the NBA Finals...


I was prepared to come on today and congratulate the Celtics had they won last night, I really was. But win or lose, that wasn't going to change anything else I had to say about the C's, their fans, and the Finals in general...

I mean, have you ever, in all honesty, seen a team make it this far in their respected sports' playoffs with fans that have so little faith in them? I know I sure as Hell haven't. And this isn't me just trying to rip the Celtics, their fans and the NBA again, either. Believe me. I've just honestly never seen anything like it. Forget the fact that I couldn't get action on any 12 to 1 or 10 to 1 $10 bets throughout the whole post season (that's you put down $10, and had the C's won, I would have owed you $100 or $120) OR that the Celts fan that did bet me $100 the C's would beat LA, called up at the end of the 3rd quarter of game 4 (a game the Celtics won) and ended the bet by paying me $50. No, what boggles my mind, is that ever since the playoffs have started, Celtics fans have treated their team like an underdog with no shot in Hell, and are still walking on eggshells despite the fact the Green now have a second game in which to claim the NBA Title and historic banner #18...

I mean, aren't the Celtics supposed to be one of, if not the premier franchise in the NBA? It's like if the Yankees were in a game 6, up 3-2, and everyone in New York was "wishy washy" about their chcnaes of winning the title. Sounds unfathomable, doesn't it? Well it should, but that's exactly what's happening in Boston. Before game 6 in LA, the most confident thing I heard any Celtic fan say was "They need to win tonight, because if they don't, they have no shot in game 7". And that was the most confident thing I heard...

You wanna call their run "surprising"? Fine, I get that. Based on how they played in the regular season, sure, nobody really saw this coming. Hence why I was offering 10 and 12 to 1. But at some point, like I don't know, when you're UP 3-2 in the NBA Finals, shouldn't you be slighting heightening your expectations? I'm all for being cautious, but whatever happened to "-ly optimistic" part of that phrase? Where has the freakin' optimism been?! At best, it lasts for one game, and even then it doesn't come off as totally genuine. I get people don't want to jinx their team or sound ignorantly over confident, but if this is your team that shouldn't matter. It's the freaking Finals, for crying out loud!...

And cautious or not, caution should have gone right out the window at the very latest when they won game 1 and grabbed home court. Personally, if I were a fan, the second they showed they could even hang with the Cavs I would have been warmin' up the duck boats. Right then and there, they became legit contenders. I know each series has it's own flow, it's own personality if you will, but from then on out, when they proved they could tangle with the King, it should have been apparent to even the most casual fan that they had this type of run in them...

All this being said, I'm sure LA will go out now and take the whole thing down, ultimately proving all you Celtic fence sitters right, and more importantly, costing me a much needed $50. That is unless one of you Mean Green fanatics out there wants to bet $50 on tomorrow's game? Here, I'll make it easy for ya. I'll take the Celtics...

Too many donkeys, man, and not enough Shreks. Not enough Shreks, man. Just not enough Shreks...

Now, it's onto the Red Team. A team I won't count out til they're gettin' out their golf clubs. I sweat them like Joran van der Sloot sweats his Peruvian cellmates. I hear they're playin' "Pass the Sloot", down there, and from what I can decipher from the Peruvian version of The Onion, the Spanish translation of the rules of that game are fantastically hilarious....

Muahahaha. You're gonna get yours, you rich, Dutch Ted. You die in there, nobody out here bats a freakin' eye...

But for now, let's get to eyein' some freakin' bats! Ha! Bam!...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 38-28, 4 games back in AL East

This Week: 6/16-6/17 vs AZ, 6/18-6/20 vs MANNYWOOD!, 6/22-6/24 @ COL

Daniel Nava's (above) grand slam on the first ever pitch he saw in the Majors can essentially serve as a microcosm of Boston's season to date...

On the one hand, you're glad that a guy that wasn't expected to produce is stepping up, but on the other hand, you're not too pumped that he had to be in there. Ya know, because Adrian Beltre's takin' out left fielders like a mafia hit man...

It's injuries, and continuing to expect production from even the smallest of role players. That's what this season's been all about. I'll admit I've been encouraged by the play of guys like the aforementioned Beltre, but with the lineup yet to settle and the pitching staff still hampered by injury, the best hope is that they can tread water long enough and hope the Yankees and Rays don't pull too far ahead. 4 games is a remarkably small deficit, all things considered, but it's going to take a healthy, consistent lineup for that gap to get any smaller. And seeing as finishing 3rd in the AL East gets you nothing but a one way ticket to the first tee...

Granted I'm no doctor, nor do I play one on the Intraweb, but I guess I'm hopeful that Ellsbury and Beckett will return to form, and that whatever Dice K is able to contribute from here on out will essentially serve as icing on the cake. I know he's important to the rotation, and maybe it's his nerve wracking style, but I just don't see another prolonged shelving of the Gyro hurler as having a major impact on this team one way or another. Getting Ells and Beckett back to form, however, is much more important. Should they not make fully make it back, then that could go a long way towards altering my expectations...

But fear not, loyal friends, because I'll have a chance this weekend to get an up close and personal look at the team I follow so closely. On Saturday, when Tim Wakefield and the Sox play host to Manny Ramirez and the Dodgers, I'll be viewing the game comfortably from BOX 38 along the 1st base line with 3 of my very good, baseball lovin' friends. So be jealous, be very jealous...

Props to fellow Boston baseball fanatic, Jon Mugar, for hooking me up with the choice seats, and I promise to give you a full report, photos included, in next week's post. I've still yet to decide how I plan on greeting Manny, should he actually play, but rest assured I'll pull no punches when giving you all the details upon my return...

OH and if Wakefield throws at Manny, I'm buyin' a round for all my buddies. Why? Because that's just how I roll. And I have a gut feelin' that's what Sheed would do, too. What Would Sheed Do? Oooooo, I smell a new t-shirt idea!...

Next up in the Sweat Lodge, we got a few notes on college football...

First up, conference realignment...


If Nebraska wants to go to the Big 10, fine, I could not care less. But when I heard Texas might be going to the Pac 10, that was the last straw. They're not, thankfully, but picturing the Horns in the Pac 10 was immediately taking me back to the early 90's when the Atlanta Braves were in the NL West. Right, because that made a lot of sense...

Listen, I don't care if you want Texas, and UCLA, and freaking Harvard to all be in the same conference, just then don't go calling it the Pacific 10. I mean, even the Big 10. They have 12 freaking teams now! I understand that the name is the brand and all that shit, but at some point aren't you just being ridiculous? And it's not like conferences haven't changed names in the past, either. I always joke about former Husker Lawrence Phillips trying to sell his Big 8 ring on eBay, and that's because before there was a Big XII, there was a Big 8. When they added 4 teams, they changed the name. What a freaking novel idea...

And for those that would turn and say they've never heard me bitch about the super power that is the "new" Big East basketball conference, and how expansion made their moniker less fitting, my only defense is this. College basketball is the bomb.com, Big East basketball is the atomicbomb.com, and nowhere in the name of the conference is their a number. And what, the team furthest West is in Chicago? Pffft, that's nothin'. The MidWest is more towards the Eastern side of the country anyway, and it was the freakin' trailblazers that named that gave it it's name. Damned if they knew how much more country there was to travel. They probably just did it to make it sound like they'd traveled more than they really had, anyway. Bragging pioneer, bastards. Ruining it for the rest of us...


Even more hysterical in the world of college pigskin, is Pete Carroll's response to the harsh punishment handed down to USC by the NCAA. Obviously Carroll was going to defend SC, and say he didn't leave because he saw this coming, but what I felt was most interesting was how he basically singled out Yahoo! Sports for bringing this thing to a head...

You have to read between the lines a little bit, but for those that have followed all of the Reggie Bush/OJ Mayo allegations from day 1, it's rather apparent who Petey's talking about. When the Bush allegations first came out, it was a running joke that Yahoo! Sports was the only one looking into it. Not to discredit them, or anything, it was just weird that they were literally the only ones looking into it, and it seems clear now that's who Carroll is directing his anger towards...

But whatever, Pete. I know you're taking the high road and whatnot, but we all know this stuff goes down. And we all know that you know this type of stuff goes down. IF you've buffered yourself from having to deal with it, and therefor are in some sort of denial that it does down, well then that's an issue you need to look into. I'm not saying you need to admit to anything, or even throw USC under the bus, but you'd be wise to do something other than trying to attack those who exposed you. Even if it is those shady, undeterred bastards at Yahoo! Sports. Or as I like to call them "the Jeremy Schaaps of the Intraweb". Just creepy...

Not quite as creepy as this next item, though. Not sure if this would make me sweat, or just make me boot...


I was recently alerted to the fad of "Getting Iced", so I had a look into it. For those also umfamiliar, it's a challenge as to where if a friend offers you one, and you don't have one somewhere in your possession, you have to immediately drop to your knee and chug it...

My first thought? This is something Teds do, probably has something to do with the movie The Hangover, and I want no part of it. Then, I read David Parker's piece in the Huffington Post, and realized that while I was 100% correct in my original assumption, like most Ted rituals, this could be one I could learn to use to my great advantage. Take a look at the article, and judge for yourself...

"You just got babied, bro!". Ha! Teds and the games they play. Gotta love 'em...

And finally, just because I've been talking about it a lot recently, here's a little update on the World Series of Poker, currently going on right now in Las Vegas...


Tom "durrrr" Dwan is still bracelet free, but a name even the most casual poker might remember just took down the 3rd of his career. Sammy Farha, or as I like to call him "The Rasheed Wallace of Poker". Not sure why, really, but I pretty much try to relate anyone I like to Sheed, so I guess it's not all that surprising...

Most of you may remember Farha as the infamous bluff victim and 2nd place finisher to Chris Moneymaker in the now historic 2003 Main Event. Sammy sat there, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips, and watched as a nobody, an accountant from Tennessee, took down the most prestigious prize poker has to offer. For those of us that follow the game more closely, we know Sammy to be one of the loosest high stakes cash game players around, with a talent for table talk and a penchant for 6 figure bluffs...

Maybe that's why it shouldn't surprise anyone that during the final table of event #25 ($10,000 buy in Omaha Hi/Lo), Sammy was heard to say that even if he takes down the $480,000+ 1st place prize, he would still only be breaking even for the last 36 hours in Vegas. Well take it down he did, after an epic heads up battle, for his 3rd bracelet and his 2nd in the past 5 years. And somethin' tells me, that after a quick nap, and maybe a lit version of one of his now famous cigs, Sammy was back at the tables and mixin' it up...

He's a true gambler man, complete with all the ups and downs. And while that's not a lifestyle I could ever lead without going completely insane and developing my own penchant for hard drugs and hookers, it sure is fun to watch it from afar. Congrats Sammy, you're fun to watch so I hope you can keep it up for years to come...


And there you have it, kids. Another 'Nache in the books. I hope everyone has a fantastic week, and an even better weekend. Just stay away from the World Cup, and you should be OK. Oh and make sure to look for me at the Sox game on Sturday. I'll be the guy on the first base line in the Manny wig, trying not to get "babied" by one of the guys I'm sitting with...

Peace in the Middle, and stop that freaking oil well already!

Teddy Williams...
100...

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